First post

[mcfly411]

Hi I'm a single mother of a soon to be 18 yr old daughter (4 days from her bday) and 13  yr old son.  My daughter hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD but it's clear this is what she is struggling with among other anxiety related issues.  Due to stress associated with caring for her and being the brunt of her verbal, physical and emotional abuse has caused me to fall into deep depression for the past 5 years.  Sometimes the depression and guilt of feeling 'what if' leaves me barely hanging on daily.  Some days I just go through the motions of life though inside I feel like giving up.  Over the past year, she stopped living with her father 50% of the time and has insisted on staying with me.  She chose to stay with me because she didn't get along with her dad's wife, or her dad at times, but prefers to stay at my house -- not because she gets along with me but because she can push me around a lot easier.  Plus, she is closer to her friends in my house/town.  The last several months have become increasingly worse to tolerate because she has friends over every single day because she doesn't like to be alone.  My home has become the hangout for all the teens and because of that  my property has been damaged or stolen and my relationship with her has degraded beyond repair.  I love my daughter very much but I can't stand living with her.  She breaks every rule including smoking in the house, leaving doors and windows open/unlocked, trash thrown all over the house and cigarette butts all over my yard and when she gets angry, she breaks things or punches or kicks holes in walls.  She fights with me constantly and barely works so she is a financial and emotional burden to me as well. 

I have been in a 9+ yr relationship with a man that lives close by yet has been forced to keep his distance because she is so volatile.  We can't live together with our kids because she causes such turmoil in any household that he has chosen to distance himself from her.  I doubt we'll ever get married because of my situation. 

My ex can be somewhat helpful but until recently was in denial about our daughter's behavior.  He kept saying it was all my fault and that I was just over-reacting to normal teen anger.  It wasn't until last year that she was suspended from school for drug possession and put on informal probation that he became to realize the intensity of her problems.  My emotional fragility has become so apparent to my friends and my kids that even they tease me for being 'crazy' because I'm so depressed over my situation.  I have been a professional all my adult life and have worked hard for everything I have.  I own my own home and have been able to take care of my kids for this whole time.  But I am at a loss on how to handle my daughter.  Because she was physically abusive, I have stopped touching her all together and keep my emotional and physical distance from her.  I know this is something she needs yet I can't find the ability to give her this emotional support when my own depression keeps me isolated and ill-equipped to handle her explosive mood swings.  My natural reaction is to retreat to my room and cry for hours.  Well, crying isn't working too well and is starting to affect my daily life.  I am resentful that my ex is able to live 30minutes away with his wife yet I'm still stuck in a home that I bought for the kids 9 years ago and unable to move forward with my personal life because of my daughter.  I'm resentful and hurt that I have to handle all of her probation and therapy meetings and have no time for my own therapy.  I have become a basket case to my boyfriend and I'm afraid my depression may make him leave me too.   Feelings of depression with no outlet for relief is how I live daily.  I'm saddened that my daughter has become who she is and despite everything I've tried, she's always been allowed to stop taking medicine or stop therapy because it didn't suit her. Yet I'm left alone to struggle with getting her help that she doesn't want.  My goal was to get her ready for independent living because I know she needs to feel empowered yet her life skills are pathetically poor.  Her interpersonal relationships are strained with everyone that loves her.  No one in her dad's family will help her or me but they are all quick to point out how 'crazy' I am and that must be the reason for all her problems.  I left an abusive marriage 9 years ago and am still struggling with abuse in a new form... .in my daughter.  I've pleaded with her father to have her live with him to keep her safe for a while but she refuses and he is content to watch me suffer from afar.  I've asked for his help because I know that I'm not helping her and probably making her worse and the net effect is more depression and isolation for me.  She's 4 days away from 18 and just about ready to finish high school.  So, she thinks she's ready for independent living but in reality, she's far from it.  She has no driver license (due to poor behavior and rule breaking) and only works about 10 hours a week so she's hardly in a position to become independent.  Yet, my attempts to help her and give her guidance are met on deaf ears.  She seems perfectly content on staying in my house, taking it over with her friends and destroying any property I have left.  I am at the point where I don't even want to keep the house anymore.  It's become her hangout and all I do is pay the bills and house her lazy friends.  ... .and repair the damage she does to it.  I commute 100 miles a day to a well paying job in a border state and so desperately want to move away and have her brother live with her dad.  My daughter's behavior is affecting her brother so much that he hates her and cries about how mean she is to him.  I feel bad that he has to live with me half of the time and endure her nastiness.  From the time she wakes up in the morning till when she goes to bed, she's either screaming at someone, cussing someone else out or hanging out with friends at all hours doing illegal activity -- despite being on probation.  My life isn't mine and I'm so depressed and resentful that I know I can't be of any help to her right now.  The only reason I'm still here is because of guilt for possibly leaving my son without a mother.  I know she wouldn't miss me at all and has even said she hated me and wouldn't go to my funeral.    The pain I feel is so deep that I can't tell anyone how I feel for fear of being committed.  And, if I was then she'd be alone and would surely get into more trouble and hate/resent me even more.  It's a bad situation and here I am posting on a board because I am so embarrassed about how bad it has really become.   

Stopping the rambling... .but bottom line is when will she become aware of her behavior and how it affects other people close to her?  Or, must I suffer in silence until my depression has overtaken me?  Why is her father allowed to have a life but I'm not?     My daughter's boyfriend of 4years is also stuck in an abusive pattern.  They fight with each other constantly yet she won't let him leave and has become physically violent with him, too.  One day, I fear that her anger will be felt by the wrong person and she will be hurt or worse.  I don't know how to help her or myself anymore. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello mcfly411 and 

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time with your daughter. Your own depression must make it very difficult to be able to function at work, home and in all your relationships. Adding in suspected BPD is just another layer.

I have certainly learned from being on this site that when a child suffers from BPD (even an adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. The symptoms of BPD can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that you've come to the right place to get some answers and some support. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do?. You can also read and post on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board.

When we have dealt with my stepson's addiction and mental health issues (his mom is uBPD), we are often reminded that we need to be as healthy as we can be in order to help him. My husband likes the analogy of what they say on an airplane -- you must put on your oxygen mask before trying to put on your child's.

What do you think you could manage to get you help for your depression? What are some initial first steps you could take?

Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep posting and reading. You've come to the right place. 

[clljhns]

Hi mcfly411 and  ,

I want to join NorthernGirl in a warm welcome to the BPD family.

I am so sorry for the struggles and challenges you have faced with your daughter. I went through a similar time with my daughter, between the ages of 16 and 24. It was like oil and water mixing and she was always explosive. I can relate to your feelings of wanting to retreat and the deep sadness over the turmoil your daughter is in and has caused you. My daughter had demons from her childhood that contributed to her behavior. While I knew this, and she had been in therapy for many years over the abuse, it didn't seem to stop the outburst. My situation with my daughter may be different, but I still understand the pain.

My daughter hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD but it's clear this is what she is struggling with among other anxiety related issues.

You stated in your post that your daughter had been in therapy, what was the diagnosis? When did you first notice these behaviors? I am not suggesting that your daughter is not BPD, but is there the possibility that she may not know how to express her feelings? Yelling and screaming is not the same as expressing your feelings. Has she ever been able to tell you what is bothering her in a reasonable manner?

Please continue to post and read the articles that NorthernGirl has suggested.

Wishing you all the best! 

[lbjnltx]

Hello mcfly,

Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are holding up.  Your d has turned 18 by now ... .is she still under your roof?



lbj