He didn't get the thanks he thought he deserved

[Cat Familiar]

Today we went to the animal shelter to give a donation. He wrote a large check and wanted to deliver it in person with me. The animal shelter is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. His causes are typically Buddhist groups.

So it's kind of pandemonium when we get there. They're vaccinating a litter of kittens on the front counter. He gives the check to a young volunteer and she gives him a receipt for his taxes, but no thanks.

Now he's in this black mood. I validated it when he said that it was "bizarre" not to get a thanks for that amount of money. I said that if someone else had helped him, I was sure he would have received an effusive thanks. Undoubtedly he'll get a nice thanks in the mail, but this is his pattern: "Nobody appreciates me or what I do."

It couldn't have gone worse.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ydrys017]

If that cause is dear to your heart, should he be thankful that you didn't bring home a shelter animal! 

[maxsterling]

Wow, the bad moods come out of nowhere and are triggered by nearly anything, aren't they?  Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.  I sadly admit that I deal with similar on a regular basis, where "neutral" news or reactions are interpreted as bad news.  You have to be careful here to not invalidate, because that is real easy to do.  To him, not being told thanks is the end of the world.  To you - it is something that you wouldn't have even noticed.  My issue is that my wife will feel slighted by someone, and then mad at me for not noticing or defending her.  And the issue may be as simple as not being thanked or someone looking at her the wrong way... .

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, he should be grateful that I didn't try to adopt another cat. I did look at them with him and saw one I liked.

And I just called the shelter and told the woman who is the manager that he was upset for not getting a thank you--and I wanted to make sure he continues to donate to them. She apologized for the volunteer not saying thank you and said we'd be getting a handwritten note from the woman in charge of the shelter. I imagine she will speak with everyone to let them know that it's important to acknowlege gifts.

This is not something I would have done in the past, but I was eager to let her know that this cause is important to me and I want to make sure that he will continue to support them in the future. We had a nice quick chat and I was glad I said something.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, the bad moods come out of nowhere and are triggered by nearly anything, aren't they?  Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.  I sadly admit that I deal with similar on a regular basis, where "neutral" news or reactions are interpreted as bad news.  You have to be careful here to not invalidate, because that is real easy to do.  To him, not being told thanks is the end of the world.  To you - it is something that you wouldn't have even noticed.  My issue is that my wife will feel slighted by someone, and then mad at me for not noticing or defending her.  And the issue may be as simple as not being thanked or someone looking at her the wrong way... .

Thanks for the reminder not to invalidate. I'm so glad to have found this site. In the past, I would have gone on and on trying to fix things--instead I've agreed that it was poor form not to receive a thanks and haven't continued the discussion.

It's so true that they make a mountain out of a molehill! I guess I'm not walking around all day wondering if people appreciate me or like me. I know there's people who will like me, people who will dislike me and people who will be indifferent to me. I concentrate my energy on the first group.

[ColdEthyl]

Wow, the bad moods come out of nowhere and are triggered by nearly anything, aren't they?  Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.  I sadly admit that I deal with similar on a regular basis, where "neutral" news or reactions are interpreted as bad news.  You have to be careful here to not invalidate, because that is real easy to do.  To him, not being told thanks is the end of the world.  To you - it is something that you wouldn't have even noticed.  My issue is that my wife will feel slighted by someone, and then mad at me for not noticing or defending her.  And the issue may be as simple as not being thanked or someone looking at her the wrong way... .

Thanks for the reminder not to invalidate. I'm so glad to have found this site. In the past, I would have gone on and on trying to fix things--instead I've agreed that it was poor form not to receive a thanks and haven't continued the discussion.

It's so true that they make a mountain out of a molehill! I guess I'm not walking around all day wondering if people appreciate me or like me. I know there's people who will like me, people who will dislike me and people who will be indifferent to me. I concentrate my energy on the first group.

Good job, Cat! That's what we have to do... .no matter how silly it is to US, to THEM it's a mountain.