Is this what growing up feels like?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had this internal shift.

I was reading about these people whose parents had treated them really badly and I was feeling sorry for them - also surprised that they could possible think it's their own fault. And it twanged with me that that is exactly how I should feel myself but don't.

And then this sudden quiet. The clamour of grief and blame and yelling and insulting and defensiveness and futile explanations and pointless reasonings all stopped.

I was quite struck by this one single solitary idea.

It's all over.

My childhood is all over.

There's a pain in acknowledging that I can't go back and fix it and a sadness in understanding that the things I was ripped off in I will always remain ripped off in but at the same time a real sense of safety in knowing I will never ever be a vulnerable child who lacks insight and understanding again.

I had this sense of disorientation like I suddenly became a giant by eating a mushroom like Alice In Wonderland! I wonder if it's a physical reaction to feeling like I had suddenly grown up.

I am confused by it.

It's painful like adolescence but relieving like getting the keys to the door.

Is this what's supposed to happen?

How do you know if you've become a grown up?

Do people in healthy households have this sensation when they are teenaged? Or is it unrelated to chronological order?

I don't know whether to be thrilled or to despair.

I want to cry for all those lost opportunities - it really wrenches my heart - like that boy who had a crush on me and I never knew although I was completely smitten with. that'll never come to fruition.

Or those girls who beat me up because they didn't 'get' my clothes. I'll never have a chance to show them what a success I made of my life.

On the other hand my parents will never EVER hit me with a belt again.

Very disorienting.

I feel deprived of power but dizzy with it at the same time.

[Ziggiddy]

I had this internal shift.

I was reading about these people whose parents had treated them really badly and I was feeling sorry for them - also surprised that they could possible think it's their own fault. And it twanged with me that that is exactly how I should feel myself but don't.

And then this sudden quiet. The clamour of grief and blame and yelling and insulting and defensiveness and futile explanations and pointless reasonings all stopped.

I was quite struck by this one single solitary idea.

It's all over.

My childhood is all over.

There's a pain in acknowledging that I can't go back and fix it and a sadness in understanding that the things I was ripped off in I will always remain ripped off in but at the same time a real sense of safety in knowing I will never ever be a vulnerable child who lacks insight and understanding again.

I had this sense of disorientation like I suddenly became a giant by eating a mushroom like Alice In Wonderland! I wonder if it's a physical reaction to feeling like I had suddenly grown up.

I am confused by it.

It's painful like adolescence but relieving like getting the keys to the door.

Is this what's supposed to happen?

How do you know if you've become a grown up?

Do people in healthy households have this sensation when they are teenaged? Or is it unrelated to chronological order?

I don't know whether to be thrilled or to despair.

I want to cry for all those lost opportunities - it really wrenches my heart - like that boy who had a crush on me and I never knew although I was completely smitten with. that'll never come to fruition.

Or those girls who beat me up because they didn't 'get' my clothes. I'll never have a chance to show them what a success I made of my life.

On the other hand my parents will never EVER hit me with a belt again.

Very disorienting.

I feel deprived of power but dizzy with it at the same time.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Sounds more like Mario Brothers. You've got fireballs now!

Anyways on a more serious note, I think you've reached a point of acceptance. Acceptance is the most powerful thing there really is. What a beautiful thing to give up all that outrage and bitterness. What a beautiful thing to empathize with yourself and to give up on clamoring for everything you never got. I'm sorry you were abused. It's very inspiring to see others become strong, like you. It gives me hope that I can heal from all of my pain, thank you.

[Crumbling]

 , Hi, Zig.

Sounds like you had a profound shift, good for you.  I  agree with Building, it's so beautiful to read!  Inspirational.

Some schools of thought would say your inner child is healing.  You 'told' her with your thoughts that she doesn't have to blame herself for the bad times from your childhood, and she accepted it and felt peace, and for adult you, everything went quiet.  What I like about this thinking is that it gives you the chance to begin to recognize that when you feel vulnerable and scared, this child-state has a guardian, called Adult You, who knows how and wants to help her feel safe and secure and loved. And will do what needs to be done to make it so.    It makes going through the bad times of today a little easier.

Thanks for sharing your breakthrough with such insight!

c.

 

[Ziggiddy]

Thank you Crumbling - I appreciate your words there.

And thanks for reminding me about the inner child. It's easier to deal in the third person for some reason. I can protect others fiercely and with very little fear of retribution but myself ... well that's another matter.

Buildingfromscratch. Acceptance? huh. it is isn't it? i did not see that.  Hooray! I made some acceptances!

FIREBALLS! Now you're talking!

PS thank you for what you said about being inspired. I am terrified when i post. I also feel like I am being attention-seeking and acting like a victim. Usually get to thinking "Oh no, someone will tell me it's all my fault, I should shape up, others have it worse" etc etc. It's a pleasant surprise not to get that.

Thank you

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ziggiddy,

Thank you for this inspirational post. It has reminded me to pay attention to the little girl inside who feels alone and unsupported. I can grieve the losses in my childhood now, accept them, and move on in life with a greater connection to myself and others.

My challenge has been to stay focused on that little one inside; she can be so quiet and doesn't demand attention... .

I am sorry that you had to go through that pain when you were a child, that is so hard.  What a wonderful realization you have had, and a chance to mourn for what wasn't, while opening up to wisdom and what can be now and in the future. Thank you!

heartandwhole   

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ziggiddy,

Thank you for this inspirational post. It has reminded me to pay attention to the little girl inside who feels alone and unsupported. I can grieve the losses in my childhood now, accept them, and move on in life with a greater connection to myself and others.

My challenge has been to stay focused on that little one inside; she can be so quiet and doesn't demand attention... .

I am sorry that you had to go through that pain when you were a child, that is so hard.  What a wonderful realization you have had, and a chance to mourn for what wasn't, while opening up to wisdom and what can be, now and in the future. Thank you!

heartandwhole