Do you ever truly get numb from the abuse?

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all,

Feeling a little low today.  I honestly thought I was completely over BPD/Schizoaffective Sis's abuse but it still has it's ability to make me feel horrible.  

Since she showed up at my work last week to drop off a bunch of papers claiming that her life is in danger (this is also a couple of weeks after she called my husband a pr$ck, told me to move out of state and told my Mom to take a dirt nap). Someone had gave me advice that I need to state very clearly that I want no part of her drama and that she is not to stop into my work again.

Well, she emailed me and a ton of other people her updated papers in which she corrected her spelling errors.  Because she copies in everyone with everything, especially smear campaigns, I decided to reply all.  Maybe that was the wrong thing to do, but I for once decided I wanted everyone she is smearing me to, to know my stance on things.  

Here is my letter to her:

I’m just trying to understand something here.  In your last email to me

(ironically titled “This is the last email you will receive from me”) On top of telling us not to contact you anymore (if you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been contacting you at all!) you insulted my husband, told me to move out of state and told Mom to take a dirt nap.  

Why are you still contacting me?  This makes no sense at all.  You had the nerve to show up at my work last week, DO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

I do wish you well, we just don’t get along, let’s leave it at that.  I have no wish to become involved with what ever is going on here, so please leave me out of it.

Also, I think you may misunderstand what a notary can do.  All they can do is to ensure that the person signing the document is in fact who they say they are, that is all.  I know this because I have been a Notary for 4 years. (and no, I cannot notarize anything for anyone I am related to, and will not notarize anything for anyone I know personally) (She keeps acting as though anything notarized has legal standing.  Maybe I shouldn't have said anything but I felt she was putting too much weight on a notary)

Again, leave me out of this.  :)o not show up, do not email me or contact me.

Here is her response:

Dear EX sister of mine.  And you ARE and EX.

Since you decided to reply to all, I will extend you the same courtesy

If you remember correctly, I spoke with you in private between 2 door of double pane glass in private the day I showed up at your work.  I was quiet and discreet, and the only rudeness anyone heard was you... .when I handed you the document and told you that "this is what real harassment looks like, Merry Christmas".  Those were my exact words, and I left. (Actually, she was quite nasty to me but has a way of making her rudeness acceptable)

I chose to bring it to your work because Kevin knows the people that own Fabrics and Findings directly next door to your work.  They were nice enough to let me use their copier to make copies of all my PRELIMINARY complaints and get them sent out.

That is why I chose to walk it over to you.  Gotta get your digs in when you can in this life:)  You are an EX sister not just because you got a restraining order against me from children that I would lay my life down for without blinking an eye.  No, that was just the Last Straw!  Someday I will make a list of ALL the $hitty things you have done to me since I introduced you to that prick and make sure I hit reply to all so there's no mistake and that everyone is on the same page.  I'm not gonna be an Aunt Sarah where she doesn't show up to her mother's funeral, and she's the bad guy, and still no one wants to talk about why.  I personally still don't know why she was there.

I'm not attempting to involve anyone that  doesn't want to be at all,  however family are supposed to be there for you, and that is what I am doing.  I am letting my friends and family know that I am in danger.  Should I keep this to myself and you find out later in the newspaper?

By the way, ex sister... .I know exactly what I am doing.  I have already spoken with a paralegal yesterday who told me what to do in order to get a warrant for her arrest.  If you had read the whole document, you will have noticed that I labeled it my preliminary complaint.  The only reason that I had it notorized was so that I would be taken seriously, that's it.

And I'm sure that since you've been a Notary for the past 4 years, that makes you feel good about yourself and that you are better than me.  You aren't.  I have no desire to become one, but congratulations to you, and yes I already know that you cannot notary for a family or yourself nor would I EVER cosider asking YOU.

I have a solid resume since I was 16.  They used to use MY voice in conference calls to train people.  I have multiple kudos from customers as to my wonderful customer service experience, was nominated for best idea to corporate, type 70 words a minute, hardly every have to use spell check, and much much more.  Just because you are working and I'm on welfare right now working with my therapist curing my agoraphobia, does not make you any better than me sweeheart.  I have 10 years alone in at Time Warner Cable.

Me and my for now EX mother will have our day to speak, after this crisis in my life is over, (which she is not in any way to be a part of),   I will allow her to prove her innocence as to which I am accusing her of being guilty.  If she can prove her innocence I will allow her back into my life.  If she CANNOT prove her innocence to the most recent bs hand that she has dealt me, then she too will remain an EX, and I will make sure that an entire list of all the ___ty things that she has ever done to me since a child goes out to all as well, along with yours.

I have forgiven all with the Lord, but I'm putting all the trash out to the dumpster in 2015.  That includes all people that don't love me and do nothing but hurt me. That includes you.  When your children are old enough I will explain to them why I left their life if they want to know at all.

Speaking of EX.  Why don't you, prick, and your children (which are aquiring pricks attitude I might add),  just move to Orlando?  That way you can live blissfully ignorant and go to Disney Land every day after work?  LOL.

For the record, the ONLY reason that I emailed the updated document to everyone was because I added a note to it apologizing to Dad for including in the first document... .that he likes guns too.  It was wrong of me to do, I've deleted it, and when I go to speak with the Sergeant at 1099 Jay St and file my formal police report, then the paralegal will issue a warrant for the investigatioin which may or may not lead to her arrest.  But you should already know all the legal proceedings right?  I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know

Duck you.

BPD/Schizoaffective Sis

Anyway, I really should be beyond all of her nastiness and accusations, but I'm just not used to being talked to like that by anyone but her.  I wish there were a numb button when I get an email from her.  I did block her from my phone, I blocked her on FB.  I honestly just want her to leave me alone.

Thanks,

SisterofBpd

[Harri]

Hi sisterofBPD.  Ugh, what a mess your sister is causing for herself and, indirectly, you.  Of course you feel upset.  I think that is understandable given the circumstances. 

I understand why you would reply all with your email.  Leave it there though.  Her response to your email very clearly shows, IMHO, that she has some issues (putting it mildly there).  At this point, anything else she writes is about her and her alone even if she mentions you by name.  I think anyone with a bit of sense who reads her reply will be able to see clearly who is the one with the issues, so even if she does decide to write more, do NOT reply with another group email as a second one will most likely annoy people and alienate them.  Let her be the one to do the annoying  .  Do not justify, argue, defend or explain.   Let your silence speak for you.  I do not think sending the first reply to everyone was necessarily wrong, but I do think it is important for you to stop it there. 

One of the biggest things I had to accept was that I could not control who my mother talked about me with/to.  It is so hard to just not engage and not respond in kind but I knew I was better off not saying anything to anyone.  If someone mentioned what my mother was doing or saying about me, I would just roll my eyes and smile while shaking my head or say something like "That's my little Fruit Loop" depending on who it was.  The other thing to remember is that most people will quickly be able to see through your sister no matter what she says and those who can't are most likely not people you want to be involved with anyway.  I know it still hurts and it is difficult, but you can not control your sister.  All you can do is choose to act in ways that leave your self respect intact and ways that honor your values.  Other people will notice that even if your sister does not. 

In the meantime, grit your teeth, sit on your hands to keep from hitting the reply all button  and come here to talk.  We can help you and support you.   

wishing you the very best.

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for your great advice. 

This was actually the first time I responded to her in any capacity in over a year. I don't plan on responding to her or anyone else on it. I guess I'm just sick of her nasty hate emails that she sends specifically targeting my mother and I in which she copies in everyone, then literally 2 weeks later comes to us with drama in some fashion wanting our sympathy and protection.

Also, I posted to the legal board on here basically looking for advice on how to protect my father from the misguided threats she made on his behalf. ( she basically said he will do what needed to be done and he likes guns too!). Anyway, someone on the board suggested that I send a clear boundary message to her and I thought it was important for everyone she was involving to know where I stand. I do not want her showing up to my work ever again (I didn't feel as though I could let that go without addressing it) and I want her to leave me out of it.

I completely agree that I shouldn't respond to her anymore. I just wish her antics wouldn't bother me anymore, I wish I was numb to it.

[losthero]

Dear SisterofBPD,  i can hear the pain in your heart she causes you.  Its such a sad relationship to have with a loved one.   I can hear in your posts how much you wish you could have a normal relationship with your own sister.  She is so paranoid, delusional and  so negative and angry.  It takes its toll on us emotionally to be subjected to such intense ,chaos,drama endorphine inducing (fight or flight) feelings all the time.  Very taxing on our bodies.  You do need to find away to be "numb" for awhile. Constant stress on our bodies eventually takes its toll.   You need a serious time out from her.  I find that I do better by realizing and accepting the sad reality that my mom is delusional and emotionally stuck in a permanent 14 year old mind set.  Vey impulsive, attention seeking.   She cannot just "be still".  Peace is so uncomfortable for her.  It gives her life meaning to have drama.  My mom cannot recognize my need for a peaceful relationship with her.  So I have to recognize that she NEEDS drama and attention like I need air.  That being said it is NOT your place to fix her crises which she is trying to get you all invoved in because it doesnt really matter she will just create another soon enough to fill her void.  You are going to go crazy getting involved with her drama all the time.   You need to realize there is NO END to it, unless she miraculously gains insight into her own situation, but that is rare, and not something that she will gain from you because its obvious she has this sense of sibling rivalry with you.  Please look into ways in finding radical acceptance of her mental illness and forgiveness of yourself for not being able to save her or fix things for your family.  Emotional distance is the path to numbness.  Wishing you more peace. 

[sisterofbpd]

It takes its toll on us emotionally to be subjected to such intense ,chaos,drama endorphine inducing (fight or flight) feelings all the time.  Very taxing on our bodies.  You do need to find away to be "numb" for awhile. Constant stress on our bodies eventually takes its toll.   You need a serious time out from her.

 

It certainly does take a toll and I honestly think I need a major time out from her, like possibly the rest of my life even though that is probably being selfish on my part

I find that I do better by realizing and accepting the sad reality that my mom is delusional and emotionally stuck in a permanent 14 year old mind set.  Vey impulsive, attention seeking.   She cannot just "be still".  Peace is so uncomfortable for her.  It gives her life meaning to have drama.  My mom cannot recognize my need for a peaceful relationship with her.  So I have to recognize that she NEEDS drama and attention like I need air.

 

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing with your mother   She certainly is stuck in I would say a nasty 12yr old mind set for sure.

That being said it is NOT your place to fix her crises which she is trying to get you all invoved in because it doesnt really matter she will just create another soon enough to fill her void.  You are going to go crazy getting involved with her drama all the time.   You need to realize there is NO END to it

You are absolutely right.  Right around the time that I started to realized that yeah, she really does have a mental problem, I noticed that every 3 months (and I know that sounds weird, but it was like clockwork) she would have either some major blow out with a member of our FOO.  Once I realized this, I started noticing more and more and the incidents were more frequent.  Once she cut our FOO off for like a year because I dared to beg her to seek mental help, her blow outs ended up being with those around her because her FOO targets were not readily available.  It seems she is doing this with her neighbors now, and you are right, there will be no end to her lifelong drama roller coaster ride.

Unless she miraculously gains insight into her own situation, but that is rare, and not something that she will gain from you because its obvious she has this sense of sibling rivalry with you.

 

Yeah I doubt that will happen.  She has had at least 4 stints in the mental ward that I know of and for each time she blames someone's actions besides herself for her landing there.

Please look into ways in finding radical acceptance of her mental illness and forgiveness of yourself for not being able to save her or fix things for your family.  Emotional distance is the path to numbness.  Wishing you more peace. 

Thanks again.  For a long time, I really thought I found radical acceptance.  It came for me when we were finally given a solid diagnosis of a PD and Schizoaffective disorder.  It still stings when she gets nasty though and that kind of takes me by surprise because for the most part I'm able to brush it off.

Happy New year to you!

[Deb]

It certainly does take a toll and I honestly think I need a major time out from her, like possibly the rest of my life even though that is probably being selfish on my part

Selfish? Oh, heck no. Self PRESERVING, yes. You need to protect yourself from her illness.

[losthero]

I agree with Deb, its not selfish to take care of yourself.  My mother has had several dianoses throughout the years and yes schizoaffective and BPD/npd was on the list.  Im currently no contact for about 1 1/2 months.  Yes I feel guilty but strange that I also feel more peaceful.  I dont know how long I will be NC but for now I need to take care of me for awhile and recharge.  Its amazing how much space in my head she was taking up.  Im starting to dream and get excited about MY life again

[sisterofbpd]

Selfish? Oh, heck no. Self PRESERVING, yes. You need to protect yourself from her illness.

Thanks, I really hate that FOG that creeps in!

Its amazing how much space in my head she was taking up.  Im starting to dream and get excited about MY life again

That's great and I'm very happy for you!  I can tell you my life is typically more peaceful when I'm NC with her.