Counting the losses

[Crumbling]

I participated in this exercise in group therapy one time, that had us draw something that represented our greatest loss.  Then we drew a beautiful peaceful place around it.  Then it was suggested that we place it on the bottom of a drawer or something, and when we are feeling burdened by this loss, to pull it out and to put our sorrow back there.  It was a good exercise, but I took it a step further, and I drew me a cemetery with lots of crosses, because I felt like there were so many losses in my life.  That was before I married by BPDh.

I say all that to say that this post is going to be my new 'graveyard' (and for anyone who may benefit from giving it a try).  I've survived ten years in a r/s with a pwBPD, and I've suffered losses because of it.  I am attempting to lay them out here and now.  I've let these things go in my life, I don't blame him.  But part of taking inventory, is counting your losses, so here goes:

In the past ten years, I've lost... .

1.  my connection to a church.  I've let my unease about attending alone override my heart's push to be a part of a congregation.  I feel burdened by this a lot.

2.  time bonding with my kids because I was too busy bonding with my new h.  I can't get this one back, I know, but it's still a loss.  I really think I would be a lot closer to them now if I hadn't stepped into this relationship when I did.  I have to learn to accept this, I guess.

3.  my commitment to living truthfully.  Before this marriage, I had made a conscious decision to live in truth, not hide, lie or shelter anyone from the truth, including myself.   Deception for personal gain had become a part of who I was in my younger years, and I worked hard at breaking this destructive behaviour.  I had it in the bag when I met him, but I've noticed lately that I'm starting to do it again.  Don't tell him little things so that I don't get yelled at, tell other people lies so that I don't have to admit we're not coming over because he's too drunk, or whatever.     

4.  my self worth.  I feel like I could disappear today, and I'd be truly missed by no one.  I feel like the resources I consume are too much of a cost to pay for my life, sometimes.  Okay, a lot.  I'm a typical jack of all trades, I've spun my heals and ran from so much opportunity in my career, and now, because of my present health condition, I've fallen completely down to the bottom of the proverbial ladder, and, I just can't get back up.  Sell myself to an employer?  I could tell them all the things I do wrong, I've had those drilled into my head, over and over, but my assets?  um, I breath.?. I get myself dressed, on most days... .?

5.  my dreams.  When we met, we had a common goal of not wanting to live the normal 9-5 lives, of 2.5 kids and a picket fence.  We wanted experiences.  We wanted to share the hope we had in our hearts, that had got us through our very tough lives thus far with other people, with people that needed to hear it.  Somewhere along the way, we both got caught up in 'doing our duty' for the family, and, well, I just don't know what happened to this goal.  I think of it now, and it really does seem like it was a dream.  We got freedom from the chains of a mortgage when we moved, but he quickly ensured that his debt was equal to what it was before we made the move, thus cancelling all financial gain, within the first three years of the move.  i digress, this isn't about his behaviours... .but I guess Im still really angry about this one.  It's what we committed to as a couple and we aren't doing it.  ggrrrr.

6.  my reputation.  Because I've moved around so much, and started over so many times, I feel like my past is just a shadow of memories and nothing more.  I have nothing to build from, because there has been nothing accumulated.  I guess that's not entirely true.  I have accumulated experiences, understanding, a wisdom of sort.  But I have nothing tangible, nothing the professional world sees as a progression of success.  My salary has always been just slightly over minimum wage, and this past year, well, this is going to be my lowest annual income ever.  I'm 46.  ouch.

Okay, maybe there's more, but I can't think about this anymore right now.  It feels so freakin heavy right now. 

Gotta go do something else.

c.

[Ihope2]

Hello Crumbling

Just logging on to bpdfamily.com now for the first time in weeks, and your posting resonates with me.  There is so much honesty there and such a sense of lost opportunities.  I am also 45, and I reflect back on my life and also see how I have  undermined myself for so long.  Much like you, if I had to sell myself to a new employer, I  wouldn't know how to promote myself.  What have  I always done really well?  Short change myself and trip myself up! 

And yet, there is that accumulation of hard-won experiences, understanding, wisdom that you speak of.  On a Soul level, we have had a long journey and gained insight and depth and strength of character.  Don't underestimate that.  On the surface level, you may not feel "marketable" in general society, but you have so much more to offer than that.

I hope you get to experience a shift in your life, where you can reconnect with your spirituality, your kids, your commitment to truthful living, your sense of self-worth, your dreams.

May you have some respite from all the heaviness and find the peace and joy that is waiting there for us all.

Ihope2

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Crumbling, Are you currently married to a pwBPD?  I'm sorry to learn of all your losses and can definitely relate.  I lost a tremendous amount during marriage to my BPDxW.  I even lost myself for a while there, which is a terrible feeling.  I came close to destroying myself physically, emotionally and financially.  Fortunately some kind friends and family members intervened before I had a total breakdown.  I understand how hard it is, believe me.  If I could make one suggestion, it would be to return the focus to yourself.  Try to listen to your gut feelings and follow the path that is right for you.  It's easy to get off track in a marriage to a pwBPD, but it's also possible to get back on your path again, if you are ready.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Crumbling]

   Thanks for the replies.  Yep, my husband was diagnosed a year ago, we are still together, and we are both committed to staying.  Although I am considering a physical separation for a while, which he knows nothing about, at this point.   

I've been trying to re-focus on me.  He just got laid off, so I'm sort of feeling like a caged animal again, now that he's home all the time.  I've set goals for the new year, and been trying to keep things about me, but I feel like I'm in a catch 22 - when I make progress, he dysreg's and I either tend to him, or watch him shrivel up into a ball of hate that he takes out on me.  I'm not his keeper, yet, I'm subject to the abuse, so if I do nothing, I'm hurting me.  If I do something, I'm hurting him.  Sucks.

   It's so good to know I'm not alone.

c.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Crumbling, I understand the Catch-22 you describe.  I think it's OK for one partner to require extra care from the other during times of crisis.  On the other hand, in my experience, my BPDxW was constantly in a crisis so I was always in the position of caring for her, rather than the other way around.  At the time, I justified it to myself by explaining that I was stronger, which was true up to a point, yet at the end of the day I depleted my resources trying to care for her and totally ignored my own needs and limitations, which eventually led to a collapse.  That's why I suggest that you focus on yourself.  Another adult can stand on his/her own two feet.  LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Our words have power and meaning and significance.

Your losses are very real. Every one of them.

I wouldn't visualize the collection as a cemetery. Those things are still out there; they may be lost, but you can find them. And truly know their value to you, upon being reunited.

I've taken one more trip around the sun than you have. I have my own losses. I am trying to be gentle with myself and believe that I'm learning these things now, exactly when I need to. I hope you can be gentle with yourself as well. 

[Perfidy]

Open your self to loss. Only then will you fully accept loss. We are the masters.