Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave? Was there something you started to look at differently?What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

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Interesting topic, Randi.


In my case my dPBD exW asked for a divorce.  However, she had spent the majority of the prior year away (2 months, then 3, then 4 with small trips home in between), so things had already begun to change between us.  She was also 18 months into DBT at the time, which played a role as well.

Specifically, there were two events that made me begin to look at things differently.  One prior to divorce and one since.  The first, were her actions in the months leading up to asking for the divorce.  She was out of the country for work (living with her mother) and became more and more distant as she rebuilt bonds with old high school friends (she's in her mid-30s).  What was supposed to be a reunion of sorts early during the trip turned into her drinking until the sun came up nearly every night she was gone.  After a while I sort of became numb to it.  And in all honesty, it made it easier (after the initial shock) to handle the decision to divorce.

The second "something" that truly helped me make peace with my situation was a family trip to Florida for a memorial service.  I spent 5 days with my extended family, enjoying each others company and celebrating my dearly departed grandmother's life.  It was a wonderful experience that I had not felt in years.  Flying home I realized why.  I had just managed to spend nearly a week with my family, and never once felt the anxiety of wondering when the next blow up would happen, who/what would trigger it, and what the fallout would be.  It was a revelation of sorts, and has given me the strength to stand strong as she tries to back track from the divorce.



Honestly, no.  I had to come to this on my own.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

- yet another dysregulation, rage, accusations, attention seeking episode. He had quit T for some nonsense reason (all lies). After cheating with the OW for 3 months (and living together), all the years of investing, being really drained and exhausted, I had had enough. It wasnt going to change... .

Was there something you started to look at differently:

- after him being diagnosed BPD all the pieces came together. I studied, read and signed up for group meeting that focus on dealing with pwBPD. I saw him with different eyes. I started to see when he was lying (all the time), I saw the projections, gaslighting, etc. I also saw my part in it... .I would express my boundaries, but I didnt apply. Therr were no real consequences for him in out rs. I knew I had to take my life back, live for me before living for him. But too much had happened already and he couldnt deal with me standing my ground and dysregulated more and more... .

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

- all my friends told me to leave. My parents, my T insinuated it. But I had to do it on my own pace. It had to be my desicion. Read 2 of your books, a lot of online stuff, a book from the group session... My T said something that made me start thinking... .She said forget the BPD label and look at his actions. His actions are his, so are the consequences. Stop obsorbinh and start observing. Leave his energy with him and start taking care of you. In retrospect I realize I was focussing on him, so I wouldnt have to deal with my own issues.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

- a lot of people said things and they all helped me think it through and open my eyes just a little more. Eventually it took 2-3 recycles, a lot of pain and unnessecary drama, physicall abuse to wake me up... .It was my path, I had to hit bottom to be able to climb up.

My stbxh asked what I wanted most, I replied a simple, peaceful, quite life. Then it seemed he spent his time doing the exact opposite. Raging, belittling, embarrassing episodes in public, ruining an anniversary trip within 12 hours of arriving at our destination. (Abosultely nothing like spending 4 days of a 5 day trip wandering around a strange city by yourself while the spouse pouts in the hotel.)The dysregulation came more and more often, every month, every other week, every week, several times a week. I knew it was over well before I left, after over 20 yrs together I realized I would never get the simple, peaceful life I wanted with him, he thrived on chaos and anger he would continue to be angry and chaotic no matter what I did or what our kids did. He was never going to be happy. It was time for me to seek my own happiness and stop letting him steal my joy.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

I didn't leave my exBPDbf. I don't know if I ever would have left. He had to push me away.

We've talked a few times since the breakup, with no recycle attempts, and I know that he genuinely cares about me and wants to protect me in a lot of ways. He realizes how addicted I am to him. He ensures that we're kept at a distance. This is not just about me, of course -- he's protecting himself, too, which is healthy and I respect that. I love him and want him to find peace and happiness. It's not easy for either of us.

During the r/s, did I realize something was "off"? Absolutely. My ex is very self-aware and pretty much told me everything upfront. I didn't want to fix or change him, I accepted him as he was... .a big part of why we are dysfunctional together. I trigger him very hard -- I could list a lot of incidents and revelations. But none of them made me want to leave. And when he left me, I begged him not to.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

What hurt me the most was when I would need support and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. I started to notice that more after about a year together. When I would push him on this, he would withdraw.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

See also, "and when he left me, I begged him not to."  

But going to therapy, meditating, reading, talking to friends and family... .these things all helped me both during and after the r/s. There may never have been a catalyst for me to leave, but I certainly gained a lot of strength and knowledge from them all.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

I don't know, honestly. Probably not. Some lessons have to be learned on one's own. This was one of those lessons for me.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

His mask fell off in 2011 (adultery)

I begged him back.

His mask fell off again 3/2012... .worse than adultery.

The abuse, the lies, etc... .my kids didn't want to be home because of him, my youngest left home in March 2014 and in April 2014 I said enough; No more. I filed. Divorce was final in June, I threw him out in July.

I quit talking and texting w him in Aug and it has been an amazing healing time for me.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

My kids. They were miserable.

I was miserable.

And my daughter joined the service. That took a lot of guts.

Her willingness to step out of her comfort zone, and do something like that inspired me to do the same.

HE is a monster... .spending time with my advocate proved to me that my gut was right. Abuse is NOT just black eyes and broken arms.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

Scripture. Lundy Bancroft. And a handful of books I bought, and the fist full of books I sat on the floor at the library and book stores and read... .www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Overcoming-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420119502&sr=8-1&keywords=emotionally+abused+woman

1 Friend is in a worse situation (alcoholism) than I and really didn't have much guidence once I opened up.

Another friend thought I should go on some christian camp weekend thing and our marriage would magically be healed (barf, not). For the first year... .I told no one. My "biblical counselor" said that if I did, I would be unforgiving. When I finally did talk, my doc, in tears told me that I had PTSD and Depression... .bad... .and begged me to call the numbers she gave me.

Prayer. I pray, all the time.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

YES

In 2011, when his mask fell off; and I begged him back... .IF someone would have stepped in, got in my face, and shown me what PD's are, shown me what NPD / ASPD ... .If someone would have made me talk about what I was thinking feeling going thru... .If someone would have explained to me what was going on and how it would affect (negatively) my kids. If someone would have shown me abuse is not JUST black eyes and broken bones... .

I would have listened.

I was fear driven. I wish someone would have come along side me and said "OH HELL NO YOU DON'T... .this is NO GOOD".

Yes, I would have listened.

I was too shell shocked. And no one to snap me out of it... .I was putty in his abusive hands for 3 more years.

Yes. My uBPDh got physically threatening with me after years of being emotionally/verbally abusive. He was taking pain meds and drinking rum and cokes that were mostly rum I think. He'd been raging/tantruming for years and i'd put up with it, but I was at the point in therapy to be cognizant of the huge leap his abuse made when he started physically bullying me. So I texted my local son-in-laws for someone to come get me. I've been gone now from the house and my doggies for ten months. I definitely miss the dogs more.


Yes. I had finally gotten to the point of protecting myself and that traumatized little girl in me, rather than trying to soothe my h.


That was cumulative--when I was describing the crazy behavior of my h to my therapist she suggested I read "stop walking on eggshells" and that pretty much described my life--first with my dysfunctional childhood with a likely NPD mother and alcoholic father, then my whole marriage of at the time 35 years. That got the ball rolling and the thoughts turning in my head. My sister died and that made me consider what was important to me, and I realized my h was absolutely unsupportive and only offended that I took our adult and supportive daughter to the memorial in another state instead of him. I was able to start seeing how every single thing about life was about him.

I started praying for clarity a year ago and boy have I gotten it in massive, stinky piles! I also read part of "Why does he do that?" until it started triggering me too much, and your "Essential Guide." I found out I had complex PTSD since I had it from childhood and my h just kept stirring it up over all those years.

SO--my therapist, your book and that other book, and God finally got through to me, but it was a process since it was so hard for me to "give up" on my very long marriage.


Do you mean "the wrong road" of staying in my marriage? My therapist kept trying to show me, but it was a process I had to go through of learning and observing and changing my thinking. So no, I don't think there's any one thing someone could have said, it had to be the accumulation of information and personal experience, especially since i'd lied to myself for years to keep the image of the happy little Christian family.

I had a couple of people give me the info for some Christian marriage weekend sort of thing, like there would be magic in it. That was one of my hugest struggles, and my Christian therapist had to keep pointing me toward understanding that I could only change myself and nobody else, that they had to choose that for themselves. So of course after I left my uBPDh started counseling and is trying to show everybody what a great guy he is and how changed he is, but he still talks to me like i'm "Less Than." But now I know i'm not. 

Oh--after I left my h went on an Ikea binge to decorate the bedroom he was now finishing. I kept hoping he'd meet somebody in an Ikea aisle and run off with her. But nope, I had to get one who believes in fidelity.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

Yes, I finally realized that many times he had said over the course of 2 months he wanted his ring back. He was acting strangely. We weren't seeing each other as often. He was preoccupied and was picking fights. I would confront him and he gave me the silent treatment.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

I started to ask myself. Am I really happy here? What am I getting out of this relationship? The rages were more frequent. I set up boundaries and left when he started to rage. He hated that. I am sure that is when he started up his affair. I saw him pull back. Take me with him to buy new sheets! I asked him if those were for his internet girl. He smirked... .Quit having sex with me and even showed me two people doing it on the tv and said "we use to be like that." He was cruel, distant and here I was engaged to him. Belittling started, and I felt his anxiousness to get to this other woman. He wanted out. He felt trapped. I felt I had wasted years of trying my hardest to make it work. He painted me black and every time I saw him he raged at me for nothing! How I drove the car, anything to get out... .

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

None of my friends or family members were very excited about our engagement or him at all. They knew he had hurt me many times before, disappeared then returned like nothing had happened. Finally one of my sons said, "oh he is doing it again to you. That's just... .mom. That is who he is." This coming from a 19 year old. It struck a chord with me.

Thanks for this post. It helps me to process.

She said the replacements name in her sleep and at that point, I pretty much HAD to check up on her FB and texts. And sure enough, I found what I needed to find. A few days later I told her that I felt that she was losing interest in our relationship. Then the other shoe dropped and she ended it with some silly excuses.

I gathered some more evidence and confronted her with her cheating ways and she went ape$hit on me. Eventually she fessed up to what she had done right before I moved out. But not before she treated me like I never mattered to her at all for 2 months until I found an apartment. Haven't really heard from her since. I guess I still don't matter, probably never did... .

Hitting bottom didn't come for me untill after being dumped and then after deciding not to recycle and it was over.  My physical and mental health got worst and worst. Untill I was having full intensity panic attacks  multiple times daily and a mild anxiety attack up to full intensity panic attack was my permenant state for months.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

- All of the above.  Throughout there had been experiences, incidents, events, that had the cumulative effect of wearing me down.  The r/s was like watching a boulder going down a hill bouncing and spiraling out of control until one day the boulder hit a tree.  That was an incident that caused me to run, run, run as quickly as I could.  

Was there something you started to look at differently?

- Yes.  I began looking at my partner, our interaction, and my role in his life differently.  What had changed is I gained some objectively and felt that the r/s would not improve.  I saw how the r/s was impacting me, and felt that it was bringing in chaos that hadn't previously been in my life.  

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

- At the end, family and close friends encouraged me to leave as quickly as I could.  Family and friends had previously expressed concern for my wellbeing.  Really though, it was his actions that got through to me.  I could no longer excuse those actions.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

- Now, yes.  At that time, no.  

I would keep the thread up in the future as it may posses significant value, even for professionals planning to research this topic. There are only a handful studies concerning the romantic partners of borderlines and it is impossible to gain statistically relevant information from those who already departed.

Cheating/Flirting

When I realized there were 3 replacements she was seeing in the end. They didn't know about each other though they would frequently all be at the house at the same time. It was easy for her to convince them all to keep it a secret. Since there were children involved, we had fought for her custody/visitation rights for most of the 5 years we were together. She told them all that I would tell her exH, that thought never crossed my mind.

Significant Event

There were a couple of events. The most serious was a suicide attempt though at the time is was to control me. Normally I would never say that, however, I was angry that she had once again came home incredibly drunk and I told her I was leaving. Basically just to get away from her for the night. But she put pills in her mouth and showed me by opening her mouth. She didn't swallow them. At that point I walked out and left.

Went to a friends house and called her mother. It dawned on me that these pills were ones that would dissolve under her tongue and at that point I should have called an ambulance but I didn't. I was scared to death, I knew if she went to the hospital for a suicide attempt that her exH would find out and her visitation would end and I thought or I knew she would blame me. Even her own mother wouldn't call for that reason though she told me she wouldn't blame me for calling. I never called. Instead I called her ex who was a nurse and she met me back at the house. Scared to death of what I would find but she was gone, meaning she had left the house. She had spit out those pills all over the house. I was told later that one of her other friends had called an ambulance. To this day I do not know whether or not that is true.

We still had contact on and off because of the kids and at one point she told me I had left her to die. That thought devastated me. At the time it shook me to my core because she blamed me for her actions and leaving her to die was never a thought that crossed my mind. Bottom line though I had become a person who didn't think clearly enough to do the right thing. My first thought and action should have been to call for help. At that point I needed help as much as she did.

The second event, this happened after, I called her T and told her that my ex was drinking heavily while on the heavy duty meds (seriquil, klonapin, lexapro) that she had prescribed. My ex had shown up at my house drunk and high, passed out on my living room floor and wet herself. That T threatened me not to call again and gave my ex my phone number, I had changed my number. I was furious and told her I was reporting her.

My ex called me the next day, on her phone, which I was still paying for, and told me NO ONE is going to believe YOU. I was afraid to turn that phone off for several reasons. Nevertheless, I was at work at the time and a coworker who was a close friend, who saw what all of this was doing to me got in my face... .he screamed TURN OFF THAT PHONE THIS MINUTE! I did, immediately.

I've been NC ever since. She continued to drive by my house for a long time and once I stopped looking for her to do that she disappeared. I survived a deep depression over who I had become and losing contact with her son whom I was very close to. Found these boards and got a T.

Edit to include: There was one last contact through a friend. Since I had blocked all access she called him in the middle of the night, hysterical, and told him that her son had died. Spent the entire next day with the thought in the back of my mind that it could be true. I kept telling myself she was lying and she was. He got her to admit that at the end of the day. Her response was "yea, go figure, I lied."

He had a weekend he was raging, we had a newborn and a toddler and I decided to point out some of his cruelties and ask him to stop - this made him worse, and by the end of the weekend he had a) Called the police and claimed I abused our child, b) made a false claim about one of my relatives, and c) raged for five hours all night threatening to do all kinds of things.  It was a shock to my system as I never expected him to go that far.  So I got a restraining order and it broke my heart, because I knew he had a good side.  Those first few days were scary and confusing, but also strangely peaceful.