SURVEY | Hitting Bottom - why people leave?

[Randi Kreger]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave? Was there something you started to look at differently?What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

See list of all romantic relationship surveys

[Skip]

            What was the final straw that ended the relationship?



What was the final straw that ended the relationship?

~Cheating/flirting

~Life change (e.g., job, family death, health issue)

~Significant event (e.g. holiday, birthday, wedding)

~Fight

~"We're not right for each other" conversation

~I don't know

~It just ended

~Other (explain in post)

[ADecadeLost]

Interesting topic, Randi.

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

In my case my dPBD exW asked for a divorce.  However, she had spent the majority of the prior year away (2 months, then 3, then 4 with small trips home in between), so things had already begun to change between us.  She was also 18 months into DBT at the time, which played a role as well.

Specifically, there were two events that made me begin to look at things differently.  One prior to divorce and one since.  The first, were her actions in the months leading up to asking for the divorce.  She was out of the country for work (living with her mother) and became more and more distant as she rebuilt bonds with old high school friends (she's in her mid-30s).  What was supposed to be a reunion of sorts early during the trip turned into her drinking until the sun came up nearly every night she was gone.  After a while I sort of became numb to it.  And in all honesty, it made it easier (after the initial shock) to handle the decision to divorce.

The second "something" that truly helped me make peace with my situation was a family trip to Florida for a memorial service.  I spent 5 days with my extended family, enjoying each others company and celebrating my dearly departed grandmother's life.  It was a wonderful experience that I had not felt in years.  Flying home I realized why.  I had just managed to spend nearly a week with my family, and never once felt the anxiety of wondering when the next blow up would happen, who/what would trigger it, and what the fallout would be.  It was a revelation of sorts, and has given me the strength to stand strong as she tries to back track from the divorce.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

Honestly, no.  I had to come to this on my own.

[Pingo]

It was a sequence of events.  Started by reading 'The Wisdom of Menopause' last year (2013) and there was a part about how women approaching menopause start asking themselves about their roles they've taken on in life.  I asked myself 'what is my role?' and my answer was 'caretaker'.  I then wanted to explore how I got into this role and why.  This took me down a road that brought me to ending my marriage.  I no longer wanted to be the caretaker.  I wanted a partner.  He could not be my partner.  He needed/wanted a caretaker. 

I started therapy and continued reading.  Hariett Lerner, Susan Forward, You (Randi Kreger), Lundy Bancroft, and so many others... .We recycled once and I left the marriage again after 2 mths.  He had become very controlling and possessive, more than ever, and it eventually led to a physical incident that scared me enough to say this is enough and we've been split since last June. 

In hindsight, upon reflection, it was a r/s full of incidences, reasons to leave.  And I had people try to influence my decision to stay/leave.  I felt it overwhelming, I lost trust in my own judgment.  I was very confused.  It was with the help of my T to sort out what was abuse, what was right, what was wrong, and what I wanted.

[Recooperating]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

- yet another dysregulation, rage, accusations, attention seeking episode. He had quit T for some nonsense reason (all lies). After cheating with the OW for 3 months (and living together), all the years of investing, being really drained and exhausted, I had had enough. It wasnt going to change... .

Was there something you started to look at differently:

- after him being diagnosed BPD all the pieces came together. I studied, read and signed up for group meeting that focus on dealing with pwBPD. I saw him with different eyes. I started to see when he was lying (all the time), I saw the projections, gaslighting, etc. I also saw my part in it... .I would express my boundaries, but I didnt apply. Therr were no real consequences for him in out rs. I knew I had to take my life back, live for me before living for him. But too much had happened already and he couldnt deal with me standing my ground and dysregulated more and more... .

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

- all my friends told me to leave. My parents, my T insinuated it. But I had to do it on my own pace. It had to be my desicion. Read 2 of your books, a lot of online stuff, a book from the group session... My T said something that made me start thinking... .She said forget the BPD label and look at his actions. His actions are his, so are the consequences. Stop obsorbinh and start observing. Leave his energy with him and start taking care of you. In retrospect I realize I was focussing on him, so I wouldnt have to deal with my own issues.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

- a lot of people said things and they all helped me think it through and open my eyes just a little more. Eventually it took 2-3 recycles, a lot of pain and unnessecary drama, physicall abuse to wake me up... .It was my path, I had to hit bottom to be able to climb up.

[ogopogodude]

   In my situation, my ex wife is soo blatantly obvious that she has BPD (low functioning, volatile upon the most trivial thing, needy, "I hate u/I luv u" syndrome,etc). What made me leave her is that I have core values in me that I will not deviate from and living a life of truthfulness is one of them.  When my partner cannot even acknowledge that she abused me and the kids (again, it can be verified with video footage etc) then that was the straw.  

  It is like a thief being caught in the act of shoplifting an item and having the item clearly in her purse as she left the store. I mean , ... .how can one argue with a video clip?  How can I live with someone that lives a lie... .? It is as simple as that.  All behaviour of hers was always reasoned out or put in a way that I was the bad guy.  It just did not make any sense. Not one bit.  BPD behaviour is just non-sensible behaviour. Like a 2 year old in a shopping cart having a tantrum reaching for the oreos in the supermarket (but at least  this can be logically reasoned that the toddler does not know any better due to age, ... .etc)

 But how can a grown adult possible consider denial of one's actions and behaviours?  Even when there is 100% evidence of the contrary?  This totally bewilders the living crap out of me.

[Wastedyears25]

My stbxh asked what I wanted most, I replied a simple, peaceful, quite life. Then it seemed he spent his time doing the exact opposite. Raging, belittling, embarrassing episodes in public, ruining an anniversary trip within 12 hours of arriving at our destination. (Abosultely nothing like spending 4 days of a 5 day trip wandering around a strange city by yourself while the spouse pouts in the hotel.)The dysregulation came more and more often, every month, every other week, every week, several times a week. I knew it was over well before I left, after over 20 yrs together I realized I would never get the simple, peaceful life I wanted with him, he thrived on chaos and anger he would continue to be angry and chaotic no matter what I did or what our kids did. He was never going to be happy. It was time for me to seek my own happiness and stop letting him steal my joy.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Randi and Skip

Thanks for giving us all the opportunity to write about this.

For me it was a combination of many things.

1.  So many chances and lessons for him to finally do the right thing and put as much effort into making it work as I was and again    he agreed and then did the opposite anyway as usual.

2. His constant admission (and yes even joking and laughing and admittance/agreeing ) that he needed help/medication and would eventually 'do something about it', yea you guessed it, there was always an excuse why he couldn't and wouldn't. In the end, I knew I was just wasting my time and heart.

3. His lying, perhaps cheating, drinking, suspicion he was abusing substances and his constant verbal abuse.

4. The sleep deprivation he waged against me

5. His refusal to adequately help himself and his expectant attitude that the whole world 'owed him', (he justified using, treating people badly and stealing because of this belief).

5. The final straw for me back in March was again, his violence towards me and a member of the public I was talking to. BP drove up and tried to run us both over, and then smashed his fist into his windscreen as a display of bravado, not to mention driving off screaming abuse and threats out his window, this was humiliating as there were quite a few people around and I was again at work outside. From that moment on, after I left my workplace that day I drove around for an hour to avoid BP returning to my home and continuing to provoke conflict with me, (only so he could leave like he really wanted to). The next day I avoided all his efforts to make contact with me by phone to recycle, and by the next day he had stopped calling. A month later, since he knew my daughter and partner were moving out and he was still obsessed with them and their life, I caught him on CCTV at my home in the early hours of one morning, going through my rubbish bins outside, (perhaps to find their new address or something else?)

That sums it up mostly I guess.

Thanks for the opportunity to tell that.

[HappyNihilist]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

I didn't leave my exBPDbf. I don't know if I ever would have left. He had to push me away.

We've talked a few times since the breakup, with no recycle attempts, and I know that he genuinely cares about me and wants to protect me in a lot of ways. He realizes how addicted I am to him. He ensures that we're kept at a distance. This is not just about me, of course -- he's protecting himself, too, which is healthy and I respect that. I love him and want him to find peace and happiness. It's not easy for either of us.

During the r/s, did I realize something was "off"? Absolutely. My ex is very self-aware and pretty much told me everything upfront. I didn't want to fix or change him, I accepted him as he was... .a big part of why we are dysfunctional together. I trigger him very hard -- I could list a lot of incidents and revelations. But none of them made me want to leave. And when he left me, I begged him not to.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

What hurt me the most was when I would need support and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. I started to notice that more after about a year together. When I would push him on this, he would withdraw.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

See also, "and when he left me, I begged him not to."  

But going to therapy, meditating, reading, talking to friends and family... .these things all helped me both during and after the r/s. There may never have been a catalyst for me to leave, but I certainly gained a lot of strength and knowledge from them all.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

I don't know, honestly. Probably not. Some lessons have to be learned on one's own. This was one of those lessons for me.

[Trog]

I left because she had stopped taking her medication without telling me, this means she can become psychotic and this last for weeks. She is physically violent, sexually inappropriate and I have no wife during those periods as she 'talks to the angels' ie people who are not there and if they are angels, they are mocking cruel angels as they taunt her and she cries and screams at them 24/7. It's hell to watch, it's totally avoidable if she takes her medicine and instead she puts us all thru that. tHEn she b___es to whomever made the 911 call and blames them for her being sectioned and NEVER forgives them. ... .So yeah... .That's why I left, her selfish decision tops top taking pills causes to much pain, and I don't want to be married to that.

The moment that 'broke the camels back', after chucking her out and her coming out of hospital was the dawning realisation that she just doesn't give a monkeys about me and I am insane giving her any time or hoping for reconciliation, there were two sucker punches 1) I was mugged and drugged in a club and she made the situation about her and offered no sympathy and then 2) she calls me to tell me, after weeks of not speaking that she has a crush on someone. I did not need to know that. It was just plain cruel, attention seeking and again, not good enough behaviour for a wife.

In the end, as painful as 1 and 2 were, if they had not happened I would still be in mental anguish, I no longer bargain or have a sliver of hope about getting back together, waking up to the fact they really are cruel and simply don't have your best intentions at heart frees you.

[going places]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

His mask fell off in 2011 (adultery)

I begged him back.

His mask fell off again 3/2012... .worse than adultery.

The abuse, the lies, etc... .my kids didn't want to be home because of him, my youngest left home in March 2014 and in April 2014 I said enough; No more. I filed. Divorce was final in June, I threw him out in July.

I quit talking and texting w him in Aug and it has been an amazing healing time for me.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

My kids. They were miserable.

I was miserable.

And my daughter joined the service. That took a lot of guts.

Her willingness to step out of her comfort zone, and do something like that inspired me to do the same.

HE is a monster... .spending time with my advocate proved to me that my gut was right. Abuse is NOT just black eyes and broken arms.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

Scripture. Lundy Bancroft. And a handful of books I bought, and the fist full of books I sat on the floor at the library and book stores and read... .www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Overcoming-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420119502&sr=8-1&keywords=emotionally+abused+woman

1 Friend is in a worse situation (alcoholism) than I and really didn't have much guidence once I opened up.

Another friend thought I should go on some christian camp weekend thing and our marriage would magically be healed (barf, not). For the first year... .I told no one. My "biblical counselor" said that if I did, I would be unforgiving. When I finally did talk, my doc, in tears told me that I had PTSD and Depression... .bad... .and begged me to call the numbers she gave me.

Prayer. I pray, all the time.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

YES

In 2011, when his mask fell off; and I begged him back... .IF someone would have stepped in, got in my face, and shown me what PD's are, shown me what NPD / ASPD ... .If someone would have made me talk about what I was thinking feeling going thru... .If someone would have explained to me what was going on and how it would affect (negatively) my kids. If someone would have shown me abuse is not JUST black eyes and broken bones... .

I would have listened.

I was fear driven. I wish someone would have come along side me and said "OH HELL NO YOU DON'T... .this is NO GOOD".

Yes, I would have listened.

I was too shell shocked. And no one to snap me out of it... .I was putty in his abusive hands for 3 more years.

[Waifed]

I had never heard of BPD but was drained mentally and physically from all the push/pull emotionally from the relationship. If I had known now what I do about BPD and people like this really existed I would have left when the red flags started popping up. Because she kept coming back and doing "loving" things that in my mind confirmed that she was in love with me, but was just scared or maybe a bit immature, I believed end we could work it out. All of this led me spiraling further and further into depression, despair and caused me to lose my identity and self esteem.

During the downward spiral I began to lose trust in her and looked at her email/FB. Not the right thing to do but it contained all the evidence of cheating that I needed. It was all there. I was already at rock bottom and had to save myself. It was my one way ticket out. I survived in a large part because I caught her cheating. It saved my life.

[Elpis]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

Yes. My uBPDh got physically threatening with me after years of being emotionally/verbally abusive. He was taking pain meds and drinking rum and cokes that were mostly rum I think. He'd been raging/tantruming for years and i'd put up with it, but I was at the point in therapy to be cognizant of the huge leap his abuse made when he started physically bullying me. So I texted my local son-in-laws for someone to come get me. I've been gone now from the house and my doggies for ten months. I definitely miss the dogs more.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

Yes. I had finally gotten to the point of protecting myself and that traumatized little girl in me, rather than trying to soothe my h.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

That was cumulative--when I was describing the crazy behavior of my h to my therapist she suggested I read "stop walking on eggshells" and that pretty much described my life--first with my dysfunctional childhood with a likely NPD mother and alcoholic father, then my whole marriage of at the time 35 years. That got the ball rolling and the thoughts turning in my head. My sister died and that made me consider what was important to me, and I realized my h was absolutely unsupportive and only offended that I took our adult and supportive daughter to the memorial in another state instead of him. I was able to start seeing how every single thing about life was about him.

I started praying for clarity a year ago and boy have I gotten it in massive, stinky piles! I also read part of "Why does he do that?" until it started triggering me too much, and your "Essential Guide." I found out I had complex PTSD since I had it from childhood and my h just kept stirring it up over all those years.

SO--my therapist, your book and that other book, and God finally got through to me, but it was a process since it was so hard for me to "give up" on my very long marriage.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

Do you mean "the wrong road" of staying in my marriage? My therapist kept trying to show me, but it was a process I had to go through of learning and observing and changing my thinking. So no, I don't think there's any one thing someone could have said, it had to be the accumulation of information and personal experience, especially since i'd lied to myself for years to keep the image of the happy little Christian family.

I had a couple of people give me the info for some Christian marriage weekend sort of thing, like there would be magic in it. That was one of my hugest struggles, and my Christian therapist had to keep pointing me toward understanding that I could only change myself and nobody else, that they had to choose that for themselves. So of course after I left my uBPDh started counseling and is trying to show everybody what a great guy he is and how changed he is, but he still talks to me like i'm "Less Than." But now I know i'm not. 

Oh--after I left my h went on an Ikea binge to decorate the bedroom he was now finishing. I kept hoping he'd meet somebody in an Ikea aisle and run off with her. But nope, I had to get one who believes in fidelity.

[clydegriffith]

Cheating is what finally did it for me. It wasn't just cheating but the manner in which she was doing it. I actually forgave her for an affair she had as i convinced myself that she was emotionally vulnerable at the time that happened which was stupid on my part. Anyhow, she was pretty much screwing anyone that looked her way with my kid in the next room.One night she intentionally started a fight so i could leave and i had a hunch something was up so i came back a short time later and she was in bed with one of my friends. The cat came out of the bag then and i came to find out just how rampant the cheating was. She was having NSA sex with more than a handful of guys.

Falling in love with someone else and leaving his understandable but whoring yourself out to ANYBODY with my kid in the next room is unforgivable. More so if you're telling me you love me and want our family to work out. 

[downwhim]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

Yes, I finally realized that many times he had said over the course of 2 months he wanted his ring back. He was acting strangely. We weren't seeing each other as often. He was preoccupied and was picking fights. I would confront him and he gave me the silent treatment.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

I started to ask myself. Am I really happy here? What am I getting out of this relationship? The rages were more frequent. I set up boundaries and left when he started to rage. He hated that. I am sure that is when he started up his affair. I saw him pull back. Take me with him to buy new sheets! I asked him if those were for his internet girl. He smirked... .Quit having sex with me and even showed me two people doing it on the tv and said "we use to be like that." He was cruel, distant and here I was engaged to him. Belittling started, and I felt his anxiousness to get to this other woman. He wanted out. He felt trapped. I felt I had wasted years of trying my hardest to make it work. He painted me black and every time I saw him he raged at me for nothing! How I drove the car, anything to get out... .

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

None of my friends or family members were very excited about our engagement or him at all. They knew he had hurt me many times before, disappeared then returned like nothing had happened. Finally one of my sons said, "oh he is doing it again to you. That's just... .mom. That is who he is." This coming from a 19 year old. It struck a chord with me.

Thanks for this post. It helps me to process.

[Perdita]

I saw how the r/s was impacting me, and felt that it was bringing in chaos that hadn't previously been in my life.

This says it perfectly for me too. I had lead a very quiet life prior to getting involved with him.  An extremely quiet life, in fact.  I guess you could say a small life, but at least it was quiet and peaceful.  I was grateful for that quiet life because I had been through a great deal over the years.  Once he got into my life that peacefulness slowly but surely disappeared until there was nothing but almost constant chaos.  For a lont time I was scared of leading such a small life again.  Yet my longing for that old life really began to grow steadily over the past couple of months and today I finally came to that point when I said ENOUGH.  It is so over for me now.  I want to rest in the warm embrace of my small quiet life again.  I need peace or I will die.  I can't handle the chaos any longer.  Not one moment longer.

It is a bit scary to see the poll in this thread about what ended it.  Over 50 votes and 29 said "cheating/flirting".  That puts it way ahead of all the other reasons.  It was my final straw this week too.  The POS I've loved was cheating again and so was his best friend and both got caught out and both are now directing their rage at me.  They won't take responsibility for their actions.  They must blame everyone around them.  Viciously so.

Enough.  I moved from "undecided" to "leaving" today and although it is a real shake up in my life, I know it is the best thing for me.  He is very sick and will never change and doesn't even think he has a problem.  He has to live with himself.  I don't and won't.

[BorisAcusio]

The National Health and Social Life Survey found that 4% of married men, 16% of cohabiting men, and 37% of dating men engaged in acts of sexual infidelity compared to 1% of married women, 8% of cohabiting women, and 17% of women in dating relationships.

Lalasz, C. B., & Weigel, D. J. (2011). Understanding the relationship between gender and extradyadic relations: The mediating role of sensation seeking on intentions to engage in sexual infidelity. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(7), 1079-1083.

libra.msra.cn/Publication/49241330

[downwhim]

Oh, I also wanted to add incase it helps someone that there was another person that helped me get out beside my son's comment.

I called a crisis line because my ex was out of control and I was getting afraid of him. I wanted to know how I could get HIM help. (codependent). As she spoke with me, heard my fear, my anxiousness, she started to ask me questions.

She then told me it sounded like I had been emotionally and verbally abused. It was a  moment for me! I had PTSD so bad too that it was pouring out of me for others to see as I almost walked around in circles not knowing what to do with myself when he left.

God, reliving it as I write is hard. I was abused and admitting it was my very first step to healing.

[fred6]

She said the replacements name in her sleep and at that point, I pretty much HAD to check up on her FB and texts. And sure enough, I found what I needed to find. A few days later I told her that I felt that she was losing interest in our relationship. Then the other shoe dropped and she ended it with some silly excuses.

I gathered some more evidence and confronted her with her cheating ways and she went ape$hit on me. Eventually she fessed up to what she had done right before I moved out. But not before she treated me like I never mattered to her at all for 2 months until I found an apartment. Haven't really heard from her since. I guess I still don't matter, probably never did... .

[Leaving]

I decided to leave a couple of months after our last dog died.  

Our dogs were our children or rather, my children.  Not that I'm one of those dog lovers that needs a dog or humanizes my animals.  I'm not like that at all but what I mean is that my dogs provided a great sense of joy and purpose in my life and even more, a distraction from my horrible and horribly abusive marriage. I could celebrate with them, walk with them, enjoy watching them play.  They were always positive and happy and helped recharge my spirit on a daily basis.  When my last dog died, I was left one on one and face to face with my husband and the raw painful truth about my life, my marriage and the toll it had taken on my life, career and financial security.  At that point, I realized that I had zero tolerance for his abusive behaviors and I had no reason to stay here. I was free and had no need to stay in my house because my dogs needed a home and big back yard.  I was grieving and as many of you know, grieving in the presence of a borderline narcissist is unbearably lonely and painful and creates even more grief for us.  

I've known a few women in my life ( customers) who, after their youngest child left for college or got married, their marriages fell apart or even worse, they committed suicide.  I used to believe it was because they were living vicariously through their kids but now I believe that they endured because their children provided the same distraction and purpose in their life that my dogs did in my life.  

[Blimblam]

Hitting bottom didn't come for me untill after being dumped and then after deciding not to recycle and it was over.  My physical and mental health got worst and worst. Untill I was having full intensity panic attacks  multiple times daily and a mild anxiety attack up to full intensity panic attack was my permenant state for months.

[AnnMargret]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

The revelation was actually two years prior, that he had BPD and he admitted to how dead-on the books were in describing him.  The epiphany for me was suddenly understanding all these paradoxes about this person to whom I had been married and the revelation was that once his behavior and addiction got out of control again, I wasn't going to stick around to have it spill all over my life.  Ironically, many of the months following that time were really good.  He was working hard in therapy and recovery but it all (like everything) eventually went to hell.  The addiction (sex and relationships) reared its ugly head, but I saw it right away and told him he had to leave if he didn't go back into treatment.  He left.



Was there something you started to look at differently?

I looked at so much differently than I had in the past!  I used to try so hard to help him see the error of his perceptions and the harder I worked the more he dug in on the distortions.  Wow, do I understand what a waste of time that was!  I looked at his distortions and instead of defending myself I realized it had nothing to do with me and it was all about him.  I no longer took it personally and that was very, very freeing.



What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

I know she is lacking in credentials or credibility and her views are very slanted, but Shari Schriber's description of the male borderline ("Cassanova" was exactly what I needed to hear at the time of my separation.  I was truly sick of all the compassion and understanding (which I do indeed have)  I was expected to have for my husband... .will that stop me from getting STDs or ensure my daughter won't be affected by being taken on secret dates with other women? No, so compassion only goes so far.  I just needed to hear, once and for all, that this was a pattern, a "type" that wasn't going to change.



Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road? 

I am not sure which road is "wrong" but the only times I was misled or confused it was because the truth was being hidden from me.  Once I have and understanding of what I am dealing with, I can find peace in my decisions.  So, any of those times when I forgave or agreed to believe a "plausible" (our couple's therapist's favorite term and now I hate that word) story, if someone had shown me evidence that my gut was right, it would have made it easier to end it sooner and maybe in a better financial or legal position.  I fantasize about someone bursting in the room and screaming, "YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!  And presenting corroborating evidence for what I already knew in my gut and heart

[blissful_camper]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

- All of the above.  Throughout there had been experiences, incidents, events, that had the cumulative effect of wearing me down.  The r/s was like watching a boulder going down a hill bouncing and spiraling out of control until one day the boulder hit a tree.  That was an incident that caused me to run, run, run as quickly as I could.  

Was there something you started to look at differently?

- Yes.  I began looking at my partner, our interaction, and my role in his life differently.  What had changed is I gained some objectively and felt that the r/s would not improve.  I saw how the r/s was impacting me, and felt that it was bringing in chaos that hadn't previously been in my life.  

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

- At the end, family and close friends encouraged me to leave as quickly as I could.  Family and friends had previously expressed concern for my wellbeing.  Really though, it was his actions that got through to me.  I could no longer excuse those actions.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?

- Now, yes.  At that time, no.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Was there an incident, revelation, epiphany, or something that happened before you decided to leave?

Yep, we went on vacation together, which stressed the relationship, both of us out of our comfort zone, and she became totally dysregulated, 100% cold, and there was absolutely no working on it and resolving anything.  So we spent the week apart from one another, on a cruise ship no less.  The emotional pain was so extreme for me that something snapped and everything was suddenly completely unacceptable.  I left her once we docked and never looked back.

Was there something you started to look at differently?

Everything.  There was a sea change and once my tolerance and willingness to work on the relationship were gone, nothing about it looked remotely attractive.

What particular book or person said something that finally started getting through to you? How many times have you heard it before?

The books and the sites came later; I bailed purely to escape pain and learned about the disorder later.  Interesting, I had called her a psychopath once, and the look on her face said she'd been called that before and thought there was something to it, so I googled psychopath, turns out she's not one, but that was the start of the research that led me to BPD.

Is there anything someone could have said to you or shown to you that would have convinced you that you were taking the wrong road?  

Someone could have confirmed the relationships I 'knew' she was having with other men but had no proof, that would have been proof and reason to bail immediately.

[BorisAcusio]

I would keep the thread up in the future as it may posses significant value, even for professionals planning to research this topic. There are only a handful studies concerning the romantic partners of borderlines and it is impossible to gain statistically relevant information from those who already departed.

[oortcloud]

My exBPD was a bit unique in that she was always honest and never cheated on me. However, after 2 years of her emotional abuse and anger after all I had done for her, I'm the one that cheated on her. I didn't sleep with anyone, but I had begun flirting with another girl online. I enjoying the positive attention from someone who made me feel respected and loved. Nothing more ever became of it.

It's something I was filled with much remorse about - even to this day. My exBPD attempted to forgive me and we were together for 4 months afterwards, and I did everything in my power to right the wrong. But it set the relationship onto even MORE of an emotional roller coaster than it already was before this ordeal happened.

What ended the relationship? When we were on vacation, we had gone out to see a live show. For the entire show, she didn't speak a word to me and spent the whole time chatting to her friends on the phone during the intermission. When I confronted her about it later, she broke up with me on the spot because I wouldn't "leave her alone". I never understood what this meant, but we both decided to endure the rest of the vacation together. And the day before we left to go back home, I asked her why she wanted to break up with me and why this was happening. She replied, "Because I'm sick and I need to get better."

This tugged on my heartstrings, and I never got a chance to ask what she meant by this.

6 months later, she has painted me black and tells everyone the relationship was horrible, and that I am a horrible person. It's really hurtful because I really did love her and did so much for her. I made so many sacrifices. I also made mistakes, which I always took responsibility for. And despite the fact that she accepted and acknowledged how remorseful I was about what I did, it has become the reason for me to be split black.

[Suzn]

Cheating/Flirting

When I realized there were 3 replacements she was seeing in the end. They didn't know about each other though they would frequently all be at the house at the same time. It was easy for her to convince them all to keep it a secret. Since there were children involved, we had fought for her custody/visitation rights for most of the 5 years we were together. She told them all that I would tell her exH, that thought never crossed my mind.

Significant Event

There were a couple of events. The most serious was a suicide attempt though at the time is was to control me. Normally I would never say that, however, I was angry that she had once again came home incredibly drunk and I told her I was leaving. Basically just to get away from her for the night. But she put pills in her mouth and showed me by opening her mouth. She didn't swallow them. At that point I walked out and left.

Went to a friends house and called her mother. It dawned on me that these pills were ones that would dissolve under her tongue and at that point I should have called an ambulance but I didn't. I was scared to death, I knew if she went to the hospital for a suicide attempt that her exH would find out and her visitation would end and I thought or I knew she would blame me. Even her own mother wouldn't call for that reason though she told me she wouldn't blame me for calling. I never called. Instead I called her ex who was a nurse and she met me back at the house. Scared to death of what I would find but she was gone, meaning she had left the house. She had spit out those pills all over the house. I was told later that one of her other friends had called an ambulance. To this day I do not know whether or not that is true.

We still had contact on and off because of the kids and at one point she told me I had left her to die. That thought devastated me. At the time it shook me to my core because she blamed me for her actions and leaving her to die was never a thought that crossed my mind. Bottom line though I had become a person who didn't think clearly enough to do the right thing. My first thought and action should have been to call for help. At that point I needed help as much as she did.

The second event, this happened after, I called her T and told her that my ex was drinking heavily while on the heavy duty meds (seriquil, klonapin, lexapro) that she had prescribed. My ex had shown up at my house drunk and high, passed out on my living room floor and wet herself. That T threatened me not to call again and gave my ex my phone number, I had changed my number. I was furious and told her I was reporting her.

My ex called me the next day, on her phone, which I was still paying for, and told me NO ONE is going to believe YOU. I was afraid to turn that phone off for several reasons. Nevertheless, I was at work at the time and a coworker who was a close friend, who saw what all of this was doing to me got in my face... .he screamed TURN OFF THAT PHONE THIS MINUTE! I did, immediately.

I've been NC ever since. She continued to drive by my house for a long time and once I stopped looking for her to do that she disappeared. I survived a deep depression over who I had become and losing contact with her son whom I was very close to. Found these boards and got a T.

Edit to include: There was one last contact through a friend. Since I had blocked all access she called him in the middle of the night, hysterical, and told him that her son had died. Spent the entire next day with the thought in the back of my mind that it could be true. I kept telling myself she was lying and she was. He got her to admit that at the end of the day. Her response was "yea, go figure, I lied."

[dabeanymac]

Wow... .I can say almost all of the options in this poll I can relate to my breakup with my ex who I believe has BPD.

SIGNIFICANT EVENT

This breakup occurred on her birthday. I flew out to Colorado from NY because she was at a work training and she was going to spend her birthday alone.

SHE ENDED IT/"WE'RE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER" CONVERSATION

At her hotel in Colorado, she informed me that she wanted to end our 14 month relationship because "We're two different people." Mind you nothing about me changed from the beginning of the relationship until the end of the relationship. Which made no sense because she had not communicated with me that she was upset. The last month she had stonewalled me and did not want to communicate. That was the only red flag I had came across.

LIFE CHANGE

We were supposed to move in together the following week. She got a transfer within the company close to me. We had been doing a long distance relationship as she lived in Northern Virginia and I live in New York. She ended up moving to an apartment by herself close to me as she commuted to her new job location close by.

CHEATING

I had come to find out that she had left me for her "friend" who she knew for 13 years. Mind you she was living in NY at this point by herself and her new man was living in Florida. I had found her a month earlier texting this "friend" complaints about me that were absolutely nonsense. She stated she was just venting and he was nothing more than just a friend. I find out that in less than two months after our breakup, her and her new boyfriend were already engaged, and that she had quit her job (we work for a very large computer company) and moved down to Florida with him.

It's amazing to see that alot of the options in this poll were related to my relationship with my ex.

[momtara]

He had a weekend he was raging, we had a newborn and a toddler and I decided to point out some of his cruelties and ask him to stop - this made him worse, and by the end of the weekend he had a) Called the police and claimed I abused our child, b) made a false claim about one of my relatives, and c) raged for five hours all night threatening to do all kinds of things.  It was a shock to my system as I never expected him to go that far.  So I got a restraining order and it broke my heart, because I knew he had a good side.  Those first few days were scary and confusing, but also strangely peaceful.

[Deeno02]

I had nothing left to give and she realized it. After the final your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me come to jesus meeting, I cracked and went NC for a few days to sort it out. When I came back, she had moved on. Dumped via text. Classy. When I tried one last time, I took her flowers to her volleyball practice, told her I loved her and wanted to work it out, she grabbed the flowers from me, said it was inappropriate, called me a bunch of names and went through her grievance list, told her I was going to counseling and please come with, she said save it for your next girlfriend or your wife Molly(my daughter). Walked off and left me standing there. In front of some high school girls. I will never forget that as long as I live.

[iluminati]

It wasn't any one thing that pushed me to file.  The cheating was definitely a big deal, but if it were just the cheating, there's a possibility of somehow reconciling.  What did it for me were two different things that happened within roughly the same time frame.  One was that my exBPDw started staying out late at night to be with her various paramours.  That led my now D5 to be inconsolable with grief because she missed the presence of her mom.  The other was that a business came with a small windfall that allowed me to fund a divorce and money to move.  Once I had those resources, that was it.  I was done.

I likely would have pulled the plug anyway, as I was getting sick of the cheating, the various addictions and the lack of care of herself, her child and our household.  Still, her abandonment of my daughter likely pushed up the timetable.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it was clear that she was rejecting help.  She had been kicked out of DBT for the second time about a year before I filed for divorce.  One can only give out so many extra chances before one runs out.

In terms of something getting through to me, well, her actions got through to me.  The first exploratory steps towards divorce were steps that I couldn't afford at the time.  Then, I laid it out to her that if she didn't come through the second go-round with DBT and make an effort, I was going to leave.  The thing is that I'm not sure she even remembered that when I hit her with the papers.  She somehow thought we could stay together, if only for our daughter's sake.  By the point, I was done.  Like Maya Angelou said, if someone tells you what they are, believe them... .the first time.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My very short 15-week relationship revealed a growing pattern of selfish decisions on the part of my ex -- a blatant disregard for my needs, wants, and feelings.  I could not figure out why a man who seemed so desperate to be loved by someone, anyone would then treat that person so badly.

After being left behind or left out repeatedly, the final showdown was over a vacation he went on.  We had gone on trips together to places he had never been before, and I thought it was a lot of fun.  I have a goal to make it to all 50 states, and one of the last few states I have left to visit is Minnesota.  So he booked a trip to MN with a mysterious group of male and female friends he met at a music festival, and told me that he "deserved" to go without me.

When he called me and told me how much fun he was having with the other girls there, and he mentioned that he could have brought me along but just didn't ask, I cried on the phone with him.  His response was, "Well, I won't come here without you again until next summer, at least."

Yeah.  The end.

[Herodias]

I had no choice but to divorce my husband after 9 years together due to extreme violence (holding a gun to me after holding me on the floor with his hand over my mouth, then putting a pillow over my face) and affairs... .I caught a woman in my bed on Xmas and then he got another woman pregnant during our separation. He told me he wanted a divorce after I had him arrested for the violence. He said he no longer trusted me. After years of all the other chaos, this is what it came down to... .I could not risk my life as he told me he "had a plan for me".

[Mutt]

I don't think that there was a single incident that had me thinking about leaving my exuBPDw. Her negativity with everything was really getting to me and I started to think about how things may not get better than it was in the future and I didn't want to live like that. I told her a few times that we go through bad patches in life and the bad patches seem longer than the good patches but you work through the bad patches.

I'm sure that other members here can relate with this but I started walking on eggshells when it was quitting time at work, weekends and vacation days. I didn't know how my weekend would turn out, is she going to get upset with something that she thinks that I did? I didn't know about BPD at the time and she's not diagnosed, so it was very confusing because anything that I did made her unhappy. It was also confusing when she was nice to me because we may of fought for a week and the issues were not resolved, she never apologized, I apologized so we would stop fighting and sometimes that didn't work.  That said, these dreadful feelings was the catalyst for me, what are things going to be like 18 years from now?

What really did it for me was her cheating, a relationship can be repaired with counseling and a lot of work. I just couldn't trust her at that point and it was reason enough for me to get a divorce. I didn't anticipate how hard divorce was going to be or the emotional barrage and smear campaign that was waiting for me but it's the best decision for all of our family members. It didn't help the kids to see mom and dad fight. It's more relaxed, I can do what I want without having to worry about how my exuBPDw is going to react, I get to spend a lot of time with the kids. The future is much brighter and hopeful.

I don't think that a family member or friend would have been able to convince me that we we're going down the wrong road. Someone else's relationship or marriage is not my business and I would expect the same courtesy, it's an experience that I had to go through. I'm sure that some family members may of been hurt to see me go through what I did but everything turned out OK.

[Hopeful83]

Hmmm not sure how to answer this.

I was told a bunch of lies, but I pieced the puzzle together over the last year and came to the following conclusions:

He told his family he wanted to marry me, they flipped at him (I know this bit for sure) and began to emotionally manipulate him. They brought another woman into the picture (a woman from his past, and a woman from their community/culture whom they deemed acceptable) and attempted to arrange their marriage. A 'friend' who was in on the whole thing informed me he was 'talking' with this Z list ex of his. I talk with him, he tells me he's torn between the two of us and it was like talking to a 12 year old, so I break up with him. Six weeks later they're engaged, eight months later married.

That's the gist of it.

[puck]

Signs of potential, severe family violence; an increasing trend toward threats of suicide and emotional blackmail; and a long pattern of deceit. I couldn't recognise the person I thought I had married.

[Meili]

The short answer is that the pain of the relationship got to be too much for me to handle and I didn't see any reasonable expectation of change.

[enlighten me]

Mine was a mixture of things. I was sick of the way she was treating me. I didnt trust her even though I had no evidence just a gut feeling she was cheating. I hated how flirty she was. I just got to the end of my tether and decided enough was enough.

Nothing anyone could say or have done would have made me wise up. It was something I had to do for myself.

[kc sunshine]

Rock bottom for me was when we we tried an open relationship and she was devaluing me and idealizing her other partner. She'd split me black before but not in the context of being in another relationship. That is not something I'd like to experience ever again.

[LilMe]

Within a month or two span I read Lundy Bancroft, uBPDx physically disciplined my 7 year old for a childish mistake and left bruises and welts, and my 14 year old attempted suicide because uBPDx would only allow me to see her for 2 hours every other Monday. It was like the fog cleared and I saw the reality of the situation for my children.

Counseling failed for us as well.  We tried it twice.  It also failed in uBPDx's 2 previous marriages.

[Freakedout66]

I left because I was emotionally drained. It became all too often about what I was doing, saying, thinking... .all of it filtered through the abandonment lense.

[earlyL]

After I found a letter from another lover, I waited out six weeks while she told me she loved me but showed the exact opposite. I couldn't take anymore and ended it when she said she wanted to get her own place, and would need to think about if she wanted to see other people. Four weeks later she was at an event with me and the new partner, obviously together. I am glad I followed my gut instinct but I have questioned it ever since if I did the right thing and if something could have made me wait longer.

Interestingly she feels that the six weeks were a short time to go through and I should have held on longer, she couldn't see that her actions were very clear to me that it was over.

[Dragon72]

What brought me to this stage is the glacially slow realisation that doing all I can to try to please her will never have the desired result - her being pleased.  She'll never be truly happy. She'll never validate me. She'll never give me true emotional intimacy.  She will never be someone I will feel comfortable with.  She will never be a friend with whom I can laugh, disagree, trust, comfort, open up.  Ever since she chose to be with me (marry me), she has gone out of her way to be distant - both physically and emotionally.
That's not a marriage.
That's not two happy people.

I haven't got to the stage where I have even mentioned divorce (anything more emotionally sensitive than "pass the salt" results in a rage), but I think I know it's inevitable.

[Aesir]

I ended it after she attempted to start another argument. She used a dumb issue (which she had brought up before) to shift blame for a larger issue that was going on with her. She couldn't let go of small things due to her low self esteem. She had been getting worse for months and I was walking on eggshells around her. In the end I was drained and couldn't fight or think of a reason to stay.

[Sadly]

I ended it. The pain of being with him was too much to bear.
He made rubbish out of all the love and care I gave him, constantly reprimanded and belittled me. Controlled, ignored, used and cheated me without remorse.  He took my heart, he took my trust and ripped them up, I gave them to him happily and he broke them all up like they were nothing.

[Huh?]

I was doing all the work in the relationship.  After she ended our engagement and threw me out, I had to move in with my family 60 miles north... .which led to 150 mile a day commute for work.  I did this for three years while we "worked on us" and then We could get married and I could come home.

She seemed to only want me around for a few hours on the weekends... .so I was doing th driving 6/7 days a week.  

I expressed my fatigue, how I couldn't keep up with the driving/effort; it made every day a 16 hour work day.  She didn't care.

She eventually told me during those three years, she started dating during our short breaks; breaks that came as a result of me asking for effort on her part... .which resulted in silent treatment on her part until I would cave a few weeks later.

Once I heard there were other guys who were "just friends that only wanted sex" involved, I finally dug up some respect for myself and ended it.

Haven't heard from her since; a woman who emphatically insisted she'd never be able to remarry if something ever happened to me after our marriage... .was dating "friends who wanted sex" within a few weeks.  I know now, that they say what they feel at the time... .at the time.

Most pathetic part is I miss her have zero desire to date anybody else.  I can't even image being with anybody else... .as toxic as that one sided relationship was.  

[AustenJ]

In retrospect I was very very lucky that her ex-boyfriend/BFF got laid off from his engineering job and left the state... .

At the time I was totally emeshed with diagnosed exBPDgf and was separated from my wife of 16 years. At the time I was angry at her ex for manipulating her during the time he was leaving... .she was spending the night at his house "on the couch", of course, drinking, and was an emotional mess... .after he left, I got her back to "normal" somewhat... .then the other shoe dropped as she told me she was going to spend 10 days with this guy over holiday break, totally leaving me in the lurch... .she then discarded me after she got back as she had a local replacement for me in the wings that she had been working on while she was with her exbf/bff... .what a peach! Now I just get to work with her every day! Gah

[whitebackatcha]

She ended things more times than I can count, and I finally told her I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. She unfriended me on a social media site in reaction to being annoyed by a post, and it pushed me over the edge. I told her it hurt me, and that I didn't want to hear her excuses. I ended up completely telling her off, saying all the things I had wanted to say for so long. She said she guessed we were done. I didn't respond, because I didn't have the energy. She's reached out a couple times, and I've stopped responding to that as well. I just don't see the point anymore. I gave up.

[vortex of confusion]

I ended things.

I was tired of being quiet and living a lie. I felt like I was living in a prison.

We managed to work through his porn use at the beginning of the marriage. Work through meant that I forgave him and kept my mouth shut about it. That pain festered for a lot of years because it was swept under the rug. Any time I tried to bring it up, he would focus on how difficult it was for him. I was made to look like a jerk because I kept bringing up the past. The past was never really addressed. It was swept under the rug and forgotten.

There was some other stuff that happened along the way. When my youngest was under 2, he shoved me down while I was holding her. I fell backwards. Luckily, I tucked my arms around her and she was safe. The backs of my arms were all bruised up. That was the moment that I knew that I wanted out. I had no idea how to get out though. I kept hoping that him pushing me was a one off kind of thing. He denied that he pushed me and said it was an accident. I wanted to believe him. After he left, the older kids said they saw what happened and that there was no question that he pushed me. They had been afraid to say anything about it while he still lived there.

And then, I went to him and asked him for help when I was feeling overwhelmed by caring for 4 kids. I told him I was tired and needed a break. I was honest with him and said that I was scared because I was having some dark thoughts. I just needed him to help me get some sleep and maybe get out of the house every once in a while. Basically, I wanted him to be a dad. At that point, I didn't work outside the house and I was home pretty much 24/7. I wasn't even getting to go to the grocery store. If I needed to go to the store, he would go instead. The one time I did go to the store back then, he got into it with the neighbor. I could only go places with him. The kids and I were discouraged from doing things without him. He would get upset and feel left out if I (or the kids) did anything without him.

The only other place he would encourage me to go was to go see other men. He couldn't watch the kids so I could go to the store or do healthy things but he could watch them so I could go have "lunch" with a "friend" and then come home and tell him about it so we could be intimate. I was feeling so trapped and alone that I did it. When I saw that complete strangers seemed to be more concerned about my health and well being than he was, it made me sick and strengthened my resolve to get out. 

Then, there was the kids. At one point, the oldest asked me, "Mom, when is dad going to leave." The last thing keeping me there was this notion that the kids wanted him around. Once the kids opened up to me and told me that they didn't like dad and didn't want him around, my decision was pretty set in stone. I just had to figure out how to make it happen.

[Sluggo]

What was the final straw... .

1. My father was in hospice just 5 minutes from my house.   My wife said I could not go and see him by myself and I had to go with her.  I agreed to that demand to prove I loved her.  He died and I only saw him twice.  One time I said I was going to stop by before work, and she said you never stay for me to talk you should 'lose work time' by talking with him.  I acquiesced and did not see him.   

2.  At the funeral, my wife was mad about how she perceived my family treating her.  I was ca retaking for her the day of my father's funeral, and not the other way around. 

3.My wife said I could not talk to my family which I had 'given up' doing over the previous 2 years because wife said that would help our marriage.  It made it worse and I felt horrible. 

4. The last fight, I realized that I did not parent my 17 year old son the way I wanted to when he was little.  My wife would disrupt opportunities to spend time with him,,, if that was watching a football game (only saw one entire TV game with him growing up even though we both liked football a lot), not play with him outside as my wife would call him inside or me inside to do chores, agree with my wife not to go to his football games because she wanted me at home, etc).

So another son I had had his 7th year birthday on our last fight, I realized I did not want to lose this opportunity with him as I allowed myself to do with my older son. 

5. Fights became more and more frequent from every 6 months over time to several times a day.  We were married 18yrs.

[FSTL]

Like a lot of people, I gave up.

She ended it so many times and I always came back to her. Not long after one break up, I saw her instant messages after she showed up drunk one night at 2am demanding that I "make her feel special".

It was like looking into the mind of a crazy person - I could see her messages to my replacement and the standby replacement of my replacement. And the messages to her friends in which she was expressing what she really felt about things.

I then had a calm discussion with her in the am about what she was doing on the following Friday. She said she was going out with her friends, but I knew she was going out with my replacement. To see her lie like that was chilling.

My head was spinning, but I confronted her about it after a few days and told her we were over. She knew she was caught and didn't fight it, but then tried to reel me back in a week or two later. We've been LC ever since, altough we spent a little bit of time together after she had two deaths in the family. At the end of it we agreed it was over and now I only see her in passing at work and for some life admin issues that are winding down.

[Suki64]

I ended things, I was pushed beyond my limit and although I still want to be with him, I can't mentally or emotionally handle it.
Within the span of 12 months, I caught my partner cheating with the same woman over 6 times, the woman he left in order to be with me in the first place. Why was 6 the magic number? Every time I caught him, I demanded more and more from him. The first time, I was asked him to try and be truthful and to try counseling. As the discoveries escalated, it led to hospital visits, couples therapy alongside individual therapy, letting me follow the location services on his phone, even removing him from our home until he could prove he was faithful.
By the most recent time I caught him, which was the 6th, there was nothing I could have asked of him that would make me feel better about the relationship continuing. He had done everything I had asked, but he had lied throughout. I left because I had no other way to turn. I miss him everyday.