Starting things off on the right foot... I hope.

[Crumbling]

He smiled.  This morning, as I was getting out of bed and he was snuggling in to finish 'sleeping in'  I turned and tucked him in like a child.  The biggest, most genuine smile came over his face.  For the first time in... .too long to remember... .he smiled, at me, with warmth.

I'm going to count that as a good start to a new year! 

He hates french toast.  I haven't had french toast for years because he doesn't like it.  Today, I'm making french toast for breakfast, and he can have whatever he wants when he gets up.  This is my symbolic action to say that this year, my needs are going to be treated as important as his, even if I need to be strong and do it for myself. 

To a healthy and relatively happy New Year, All!

c.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

Sounds like you are off to a healthy start! Enjoy your french toast. I might just do the same.

[sweetheart]

Hello crumbling,

I too started the New Year with a 'french toast moment,' I emailed a local T and asked if she would consider seeing me on a low cost basis. She replied with a yes! I am also seeing a lawyer next week just to ensure I know how to protect myself if necessary from false accusations ( great advice from cole ) in the future from h ( other than leaving which I am also prepared to do if necessary.) 

[formflier]

 

I too am going to have some french toast! (I actually like it)... .

In fact... .I'm going to eat a lot of it this year... .and I will think of you... .and the decisions that you have made.


I do think you did the right thing... .by tucking him in.  Next time... .maybe a kiss on the forehead.

What does he like for breakfast?  

Maybe you could make him some of that along with french toast.  

Acknowledging that you are making your choices... .and that you are supporting his choices... .

Wouldn't it be great if he supported your choices?  



I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of knowing about BPD.  Ohh... the changes that have taken place in a year.

I feel confident (not cocky)... .and my desire is to seek out... and make healthy choices for me and my r/s... .and my family.

My wife and I agree that we want our family to "speak nicer" to each other... .not  be as exasperated... ."pour out love" on  each other.

There is some disagreement about tactics to make this happen... .and some disagreements about whose "fault" it is that we need to make these changes... .but at least a large part of the conversation is pointing towards a healthy place.

[formflier]

Hello crumbling,

I too started the New Year with a 'french toast moment,' I emailed a local T and asked if she would consider seeing me on a low cost basis. She replied with a yes! I am also seeing a lawyer next week just to ensure I know how to protect myself if necessary from false accusations ( great advice from cole ) in the future from h ( other than leaving which I am also prepared to do if necessary.) 

Good move!  Is your h aware of these choices? 

[sweetheart]

Hi ff,

I did say to him that I would seek legal advice re the lies and false accusations that were actually believed this time by his mental health team! It didn't seem to register with him at the time but it's not something I am going to hide.

He knows I want a T so when I go I will be open about where I am going.

[formflier]

Hi ff,

I did say to him that I would seek legal advice re the lies and false accusations that were actually believed this time by his mental health team! It didn't seem to register with him at the time but it's not something I am going to hide.

He knows I want a T so when I go I will be open about where I am going.

OK... so... it's out there.  While I understand you don't want to "hide" it... .I also would not recommend reminding him of it either.

The point is to get you the legal information you need... .and let you form opinions... .THEN... .if there are legal things to discuss with hubby... .do it.

Having him involved in the PROCESS of gathering that information is likely to derail that process and could force you to use information before you are ready to use it... .or before you fully and properly understand that information.

Thoughts?

Another way of saying it... .

It sounds like you "threatened" him... or made a "veiled threat"... .even if that is not what you intended... .it is what he may have heard.

Making threats is not a good tactic with pwBPD... period.  Generally... .the respond better to new behaviors and boundaries on your part... .they will figure out the meaning without you having to give them the "or else... ."

[sweetheart]

I was able to mention it linked to the issues flagged by the mental health nurse in relation to what he said to them about me. He didn't react because he saw them as the antagonists not himself. I won't mention it again now. I reacted in anger at the time as I was so shocked, my bad for sure.

It absolutely would derail him leading to further dysregulation and more false accusations.

Now the knowledge I gather will be mine only and used to help strengthen my boundaries.

[Cole]

Hello crumbling,

I too started the New Year with a 'french toast moment,' I emailed a local T and asked if she would consider seeing me on a low cost basis. She replied with a yes! I am also seeing a lawyer next week just to ensure I know how to protect myself if necessary from false accusations ( great advice from cole ) in the future from h ( other than leaving which I am also prepared to do if necessary.) 

Glad you are taking that step! A good family law attorney should be able to not only help you protect yourself and your son, but might know a few ways to get you more help for your husband. And agree with formflier, don't tell H too much right now. He may see it more at a threat, especially with his history of paranoia.

Crumbling, you really started something here. From now on when I have a breakthrough on how to handle my BPDw, I am gonna call it a french toast moment!    

[Crumbling]

  You guys are great! 

Thanks for the encouragement. Good to hear your new steps to better days, too.

, c.