During the fallout, determined to somehow survive because there was simply no choice, without a child, sibling, or parent who needed me or would miss me if I were gone... .I vowed to be a "Yes" woman, open to new experiences and the possibility of joy in all forms.
Last Night-I peeked into the banking app that let me see his large deposit and large liquor and other purchases, most obviously for a New Year's celebration. I envisioned him with the replacement, as well as a few of our once-"mutual" friends. I almost curled up in a corner and cried for the night, but I didn't.
New Year's Eve-I stepped outside of myself and had one of the most unusual, spiritual and peaceful experiences. I met with a large group of strangers to do yoga and meditate a few hours before and then ushering in 2015. It was amazing.
Morning Anxiety as Usual-Just when thought it was finally dissipating just a little bit, I woke up having a dream that an ex mutual-friend said of my ex's replacement, "She's really nice actually. I like her. She's calm and puts him in his place kinda just like you used to,
. They both seem really happy." I guess that was more of a NIGHTMARE. I have to remind myself that it's all smoke and mirrors. I remember him hemorrhaging money with us over the years, just like I still glimmers of as I peek. I know what he's like drunk and it's always disgusting. Nothing to miss there. I know I really don''t miss him, I just miss holding on to the illusion that someone would be lost without me.
Lullabye of a Read-Psychopath Free is my latest read (I've read upwards of 15 books just since the summer) and it's bulls-eye, hands-down, word-for-word speaking to my soul and lifting my spirit…written as if the author were a fly on the fall into the most intimate moments of my life with this dangerous disordered person.
