4 months of freedom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there.

Last August I learned about BPD, and my worldview was transformed.  I was in my 8th year of marriage to a woman with many strong BPD traits, and of course wherever the insanity went, I was blamed for it one way or the other.  No remorse or empathy.  Learning about BPD was revelatory.

I also discovered this wonderful forum, and I posted my situation at the time, here -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230870.msg12476805

The rest of August was a bit of a blur, but my focus was on educating myself, getting out, and getting out safe.  Long, painful conversations were had, and I arranged my time so that I was simply out the house as often as possible.  When she wasn't there, I made private inventories of my stuff, knowing where things were, and which things mattered most to me.  Lots of things were thrown out, lots more given to charity shops, as detachment (which was naturally occurring before I learned about BPD) took its course.

September 1st, I moved out.  I was able to take 1 large suitcase, 1 carry bag, and I mailed a large box of books to my new address.

Since then, given my personal situation, life has been really hectic, but I have made it through the busiest & most stressful time, and for the last couple weeks I have found myself able to rest, and gather strength and thoughts.  I have established a new life, step by step.

They say there is no right time for this kind of thing, and they are right.  However I find that I am now in a continual good mood, almost all the time.  It is amazing!  Every day is a good day.  While I hope not to be alone for the rest of my life, I am quite happy in my own company.

I do find myself at times deeply sad about what is now lost, but on reflection I realize that I am grieving the expectation I had for marriage.  Not what the reality was.  The reality was a horrible, unpredictable, painful experience of living with an emotionally complex and distant partner, who would be silent most of the time, behaving as they 'think you want them to', but inevitably exploding because you didn't satisfy what they actually wanted.  And then the ensuing madness, where nothing positive can be learned from the breakdown, no matter how long, or how many times, you talk about it.

And after 8 years, I know that while I'm certainly not perfect, I put in all I could to make it work.

Since leaving, I have briefly seen her on 2 occasions (I have moved a 5 hour drive away), and she has sent various letters and emails.  I have not responded, except to one text message asking if she is still covered by my health insurance, which she is.  As in previous breakups we went through, she is now claiming to see differently, and things will be different now.  She recently wrote that the new word for our relationship will be RESPECT!  She will now respect me!  Well, I kept that letter.  It is stunning in its admission of the lack of dignity and empathy to date, that this should be a new thing for her to consider.

So, I am quite content being apart, and just look forward to what will come next in my life.

I have also started to reconnect with family members, who have different levels of comfort on this subject.  I must admit this has surprised me.  But then again, they never saw her as she would be to me.  This was always an added pressure on me.  So, I am taking it as it comes, but at least there is some sense that they value my being in contact more than applying a specific judgement upon me (I have been also no-contact with most of my family the last year or so, as I've been figuring all this out).

I wanted to check back in here, and thank this community for their support.  While I have not posted much here, I found the existence, and support of this community, tremendously helpful.  To know that there are others who have lived through this very unique challenge.  This is such a hard thing to deal with, especially if you don't have a support network, or knowledge of BPD (which I suspect is the common case).  There is a real danger of losing your own health and sanity.  Plus, at least when dealing with quiet borderlines (as mine was), almost nobody around you expects or believes there is anything bad happening.

However, in my case there was only one answer, which was to leave.  The best advice I received from a close friend was 'Stay strong.'  A bad marriage destroys.

Having left, and established a new path, life has never been so good.

Thanks for reading!

-D

[no_more_guilt]

Hi there.

Last August I learned about BPD, and my worldview was transformed.  I was in my 8th year of marriage to a woman with many strong BPD traits, and of course wherever the insanity went, I was blamed for it one way or the other.  No remorse or empathy.  Learning about BPD was revelatory.

I also discovered this wonderful forum, and I posted my situation at the time, here -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230870.msg12476805

The rest of August was a bit of a blur, but my focus was on educating myself, getting out, and getting out safe.  Long, painful conversations were had, and I arranged my time so that I was simply out the house as often as possible.  When she wasn't there, I made private inventories of my stuff, knowing where things were, and which things mattered most to me.  Lots of things were thrown out, lots more given to charity shops, as detachment (which was naturally occurring before I learned about BPD) took its course.

September 1st, I moved out.  I was able to take 1 large suitcase, 1 carry bag, and I mailed a large box of books to my new address.

Since then, given my personal situation, life has been really hectic, but I have made it through the busiest & most stressful time, and for the last couple weeks I have found myself able to rest, and gather strength and thoughts.  I have established a new life, step by step.

They say there is no right time for this kind of thing, and they are right.  However I find that I am now in a continual good mood, almost all the time.  It is amazing!  Every day is a good day.  While I hope not to be alone for the rest of my life, I am quite happy in my own company.

I do find myself at times deeply sad about what is now lost, but on reflection I realize that I am grieving the expectation I had for marriage.  Not what the reality was.  The reality was a horrible, unpredictable, painful experience of living with an emotionally complex and distant partner, who would be silent most of the time, behaving as they 'think you want them to', but inevitably exploding because you didn't satisfy what they actually wanted.  And then the ensuing madness, where nothing positive can be learned from the breakdown, no matter how long, or how many times, you talk about it.

And after 8 years, I know that while I'm certainly not perfect, I put in all I could to make it work.

Since leaving, I have briefly seen her on 2 occasions (I have moved a 5 hour drive away), and she has sent various letters and emails.  I have not responded, except to one text message asking if she is still covered by my health insurance, which she is.  As in previous breakups we went through, she is now claiming to see differently, and things will be different now.  She recently wrote that the new word for our relationship will be RESPECT!  She will now respect me!  Well, I kept that letter.  It is stunning in its admission of the lack of dignity and empathy to date, that this should be a new thing for her to consider.

So, I am quite content being apart, and just look forward to what will come next in my life.

I have also started to reconnect with family members, who have different levels of comfort on this subject.  I must admit this has surprised me.  But then again, they never saw her as she would be to me.  This was always an added pressure on me.  So, I am taking it as it comes, but at least there is some sense that they value my being in contact more than applying a specific judgement upon me (I have been also no-contact with most of my family the last year or so, as I've been figuring all this out).

I wanted to check back in here, and thank this community for their support.  While I have not posted much here, I found the existence, and support of this community, tremendously helpful.  To know that there are others who have lived through this very unique challenge.  This is such a hard thing to deal with, especially if you don't have a support network, or knowledge of BPD (which I suspect is the common case).  There is a real danger of losing your own health and sanity.  Plus, at least when dealing with quiet borderlines (as mine was), almost nobody around you expects or believes there is anything bad happening.

However, in my case there was only one answer, which was to leave.  The best advice I received from a close friend was 'Stay strong.'  A bad marriage destroys.

Having left, and established a new path, life has never been so good.

Thanks for reading!

-D

[H Hi]

Hey

You sound like such a positive and intelligent person and your post has given me some hope on a sad day. I too have only recently got in touch with my family. I think really only the great people on this site understand the effects of being in and ending a BPD relationship.

Stay strong.

[Trog]

Congratulations on your freedom!

[jhkbuzz]

I do find myself at times deeply sad about what is now lost, but on reflection I realize that I am grieving the expectation I had for marriage.  Not what the reality was.  The reality was a horrible, unpredictable, painful experience of living with an emotionally complex and distant partner, who would be silent most of the time, behaving as they 'think you want them to', but inevitably exploding because you didn't satisfy what they actually wanted.  And then the ensuing madness, where nothing positive can be learned from the breakdown, no matter how long, or how many times, you talk about it.

And after 8 years, I know that while I'm certainly not perfect, I put in all I could to make it work.

Strangely enough my 8 year relationship also ended in August.  I came to the above realization myself very recently; that I was actually grieving all of my hopes and expectations for a relationship - not the relationship itself.  The truth of the relationship was the rest of what your paragraph described.

I'm glad you are finding an increasing sense of peace.  For me, some days are better than others - and the post-Christmas blues were particularly rough - but more and more I am appreciating the peace I am experiencing in my life.

To 2015!

[PaintedBlack28]

Sir, I salute you and wish you (and the rest of the community) a happy new year.

What an uplifting and inspiring post. Very beautifuly put together.

As happened to you, my world crumbled down in October after 9 months of r/s. The devaluation phase took 4 months, with one abandonment prior the final event.

Having dealt with excruciating pain, I'm starting to see the first rays of sunshine. I came in and out of FOG, and cried my eyes out.

The user known as 2010 opened my eyes and provided me with the first aid kit; reading his posts has been revealing. Not to mention the support of this community.

We dealt with heavy wounding here. We fought the disorder. We are, and will prevail. Stay strong everybody.

[no_more_guilt]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies.  Let's make 2015 a great year!

[Hope0807]

I wish more would come back to post after they've found themselves in the wonderful space and place you have in life.  It's wonderful to see the light at the end of the tunnel from someone who has actually survived the dark and arrived in the light.

Thank you!