I think my mother is into toxic shame

[Our abuse recovery guide]

        Im living in a farm house right now that belongs to my Aunt, some of you may know this story. My Aunt has dementia and is staying with my mom and sister next door, down the hill a ways. I wish it were further.

                                  Anyways,   There's been a problem with the heating situation in this house Im living in. Its an older house with cold air coming from corners and off the windows etc.  It has one of these Payne out side heaters that run off a fan pump. Ive been up set because she showed me one of the latest bills from this power company and I all most passed out.  It was 537.00 dollars for one billing period.  I remember my sister telling me when I first moved in to turn down the thermastat because they have had bills up to 500 dollars a month there. I didnt believe her because at this time she just said heating bill, like it was alone.  Now it turns out it find its electric and heating combined.  :)o you think she told me this? So I was just agast by it and didnt quite believe her.  

                         Well, Oct. Nov. has gone by and my mother shows me the most current bill and it was in the 500's.  Right away she starts implying that its this high because it's by fault. I open this one window in my room because I have 6 cats in here and when its nice out side, Ill leave it open for them for about 5 mnutes. Not usually any longer.  And when its cold out side I close it right away and just wait to see their pretty faces pushed up against the glass. I also have a small double fan in my window because I smoke and it doesnt allow cold air in when its on. I keep my bedroom door shut at all times and cover the fan with plastic at night to keep the cold air out.

Anyways, Im so tired of this.  My mother very strongely implied that the heating bill went up 200 dollars in the month of Dec.  never mind its colder now, to 500, and it was all because of me and my window thing with my cats. I agreed that yes,  this would have an effect but also asked when the filter had been changed on this old heater unit? Several vents were closed in this house, who know for how long,  but when that is done it cause air pressure and makes the fan on the heater work harder and can cause cracks in the venting tubes with heat escaping. PLus,  no storm windows on any of the window here. There are some new ones she claims dont need storm windows,  but why do I feel drafts coming from them?   This is a realitively big house.  

Ill try to keep this short. I had a conversation with her on the phone and I was telling her these things about the heating system,  I good points, but she kept trying to disregard them. Like when was the last time the filter was changed?  and why should it take 3 hours for the temp.  to make up to 68 degrees when I started at 55.?  3 hours!is this normal?   Her response was, Well, this is a big house,  Well, there is a part of my origonal point right there, that she was disregrading earlier over wanting to blame all of this on me.  I finally said,  why did you wait until the bill was all ready in this next recent billing period before you told me about this bill?  I said its too late to correct anything that I have been doing now because this billing period is more then half way over! It's going ot be high again. My point was how can you make it seem like this is some huge negligence done by me that needs to change when you didnt even tell me about it when I could have done something about it then? Now its to late.   All of this, the bill went up that HIGH because I was leaving the window open for my cats. .during the day when it was really nice outside for 5 minutes , no longer at a time.  

                      NO,  it seemed to me through this conversation that anything I said in regards to the house itself and the condition of the heating unit, all of this was brushed aside until I insisted that this is just as valid a reason for this problem as me opening a window. She didnt want to hear it.  It was like a running debate over how in her mind this was just all about me,  and me feeling shamed.  Like she had , to have it this way like a compulsion.  It was sickning!

Anyone else been through stuff like this? It was like she wanted me to feel guilty soo bad and in complete fault,  I finally said,  I understand the window being apart of the problem and I'll change this but you are responsible too because you didnt bring the bill to me or have you realized that there seems to be a problem with the heater as well. Well, she all most reject that on me and then the last second, she grunted an approval or something like, oh ok, I guess your right.      She likes to do this blame,shame on you stuff with my sister, and so here we were once again another oppurtunity for me to become assertive, yet nice, polite, yet assertive. Because deep down I knew exactly what she was trying to do.  Toxically Shame me because this is her thing with my sister when it comes to picking on me and putting me down.   I stood ground.   yes, I did.   ( :    

[goingtostopthis]

        Im living in a farm house right now that belongs to my Aunt, some of you may know this story. My Aunt has dementia and is staying with my mom and sister next door, down the hill a ways. I wish it were further.

                                  Anyways,   There's been a problem with the heating situation in this house Im living in. Its an older house with cold air coming from corners and off the windows etc.  It has one of these Payne out side heaters that run off a fan pump. Ive been up set because she showed me one of the latest bills from this power company and I all most passed out.  It was 537.00 dollars for one billing period.  I remember my sister telling me when I first moved in to turn down the thermastat because they have had bills up to 500 dollars a month there. I didnt believe her because at this time she just said heating bill, like it was alone.  Now it turns out it find its electric and heating combined.  :)o you think she told me this? So I was just agast by it and didnt quite believe her.  

                         Well, Oct. Nov. has gone by and my mother shows me the most current bill and it was in the 500's.  Right away she starts implying that its this high because it's by fault. I open this one window in my room because I have 6 cats in here and when its nice out side, Ill leave it open for them for about 5 mnutes. Not usually any longer.  And when its cold out side I close it right away and just wait to see their pretty faces pushed up against the glass. I also have a small double fan in my window because I smoke and it doesnt allow cold air in when its on. I keep my bedroom door shut at all times and cover the fan with plastic at night to keep the cold air out.

Anyways, Im so tired of this.  My mother very strongely implied that the heating bill went up 200 dollars in the month of Dec.  never mind its colder now, to 500, and it was all because of me and my window thing with my cats. I agreed that yes,  this would have an effect but also asked when the filter had been changed on this old heater unit? Several vents were closed in this house, who know for how long,  but when that is done it cause air pressure and makes the fan on the heater work harder and can cause cracks in the venting tubes with heat escaping. PLus,  no storm windows on any of the window here. There are some new ones she claims dont need storm windows,  but why do I feel drafts coming from them?   This is a realitively big house.  

Ill try to keep this short. I had a conversation with her on the phone and I was telling her these things about the heating system,  I good points, but she kept trying to disregard them. Like when was the last time the filter was changed?  and why should it take 3 hours for the temp.  to make up to 68 degrees when I started at 55.?  3 hours!is this normal?   Her response was, Well, this is a big house,  Well, there is a part of my origonal point right there, that she was disregrading earlier over wanting to blame all of this on me.  I finally said,  why did you wait until the bill was all ready in this next recent billing period before you told me about this bill?  I said its too late to correct anything that I have been doing now because this billing period is more then half way over! It's going ot be high again. My point was how can you make it seem like this is some huge negligence done by me that needs to change when you didnt even tell me about it when I could have done something about it then? Now its to late.   All of this, the bill went up that HIGH because I was leaving the window open for my cats. .during the day when it was really nice outside for 5 minutes , no longer at a time.  

                      NO,  it seemed to me through this conversation that anything I said in regards to the house itself and the condition of the heating unit, all of this was brushed aside until I insisted that this is just as valid a reason for this problem as me opening a window. She didnt want to hear it.  It was like a running debate over how in her mind this was just all about me,  and me feeling shamed.  Like she had , to have it this way like a compulsion.  It was sickning!

Anyone else been through stuff like this? It was like she wanted me to feel guilty soo bad and in complete fault,  I finally said,  I understand the window being apart of the problem and I'll change this but you are responsible too because you didnt bring the bill to me or have you realized that there seems to be a problem with the heater as well. Well, she all most reject that on me and then the last second, she grunted an approval or something like, oh ok, I guess your right.      She likes to do this blame,shame on you stuff with my sister, and so here we were once again another oppurtunity for me to become assertive, yet nice, polite, yet assertive. Because deep down I knew exactly what she was trying to do.  Toxically Shame me because this is her thing with my sister when it comes to picking on me and putting me down.   I stood ground.   yes, I did.   ( :    

[Harri]

Hi goingtostopthis!  Happy New year to you.  I haven't posted to you lately but I did when you first started here.  I have, however, been following your story and I have to say that I think you have an awful lot to deal with between the big move, a big change in your life and having such a difficult family to deal with.  On top of all the animals!  yikes!

Anyone else been through stuff like this? It was like she wanted me to feel guilty soo bad and in complete fault,  I finally said,  I understand the window being apart of the problem and I'll change this but you are responsible too because you didnt bring the bill to me or have you realized that there seems to be a problem with the heater as well. Well, she all most reject that on me and then the last second, she grunted an approval or something like, oh ok, I guess your right.      She likes to do this blame,shame on you stuff with my sister, and so here we were once again another oppurtunity for me to become assertive, yet nice, polite, yet assertive. Because deep down I knew exactly what she was trying to do.  Toxically Shame me because this is her thing with my sister when it comes to picking on me and putting me down.   I stood ground.   yes, I did.

Yes, I used to have to deal with the impossible conversations, the double talk and the blaming and shaming.  I understand the hurt and the frustration... .I remember feeling bewildered too and I was convinced I was the crazy one.  The FOG and confusion, the emotional numbing I had done for decades all made it hard to see what was going on.  It is difficult and can be quite crazy making to say the least.  I am glad you stood your ground.  Well done GTST!  That too is a big change from when you first came here and I think it is wonderful.  I say that only to let you know that I do see a change in your posts and have been cheering you on as I read your them.  It is good to see you taking charge and making strides as you come to terms with things and it seems like a lot of the FOG and confusion is going away.

You are very capable and clever and I am sure you will be able to come up with a practical solution to the drafts in the house.  As frustrating as it may be that your mother waited so long to tell you about the bill, it is good that she did and that she eventually listened to you.  If she had not listened to you, would you still feel good about the fact that you were polite and assertive and spoke up for yourself?  I ask because sometimes it is easy to get caught up in thinking that we are successful *only* when we get the other person to see us and hear what we are trying to say.  My personal opinion is that we are successful any time we speak up on our own behalf regardless of what the other person says or thinks.  And if, like you did, we are able to speak up in a respectful and assertive manner, it is even better.   

So very well done GTST!  I don't care so much about the fact that your mother accepted what you said (though I am glad for you that she did).  I am far more interested and happy that you spoke up for yourself and have come to see even more clearly how she tries to manipulate (though i do not thing she is doing this with conscious intent) and control.

Good for you GTST!   

[goingtostopthis]

  Thank You Harri,

I really appreciate your support.  Youre right. I have gotten stronger and much better at dealing with this through time. Its just every now and then something happens as you just read and I get thrown for a loop. Im seeing a therapist now every week, twice all ready. It took most of the session for me to tell him what my situation is all about, and even then I couldnt tell it all to my satisfaction. He understands the dsyfunctional part of this though and caught on to why Ive been so upset. 

            He asked me to talk from my heart(I guess my feelings) and not my head and I couldnt do it. It confused me.

All I could say was that I was full of fear. I made some good decisions for myself though as to how I want to handle myself the next time something happens with my mom and sister that doesnt make any sense. This is the main thing that bothers me the most at this point. I am no longer going to share any of this information with my father. I dont care how upset I am.  It's become a triangle where more and more Im sensing that my father is siding with my sister and probably my mother too. They are distorting things so terribly.  I had a heavy duty talk with him today about this subject and he did not want to listen to a word I said. I was shamed again as if the problems we have had are my fault. The truth of the matter is that he doesnt want to deal with the truth so he'd much rather run me over and try to control me with his shame basing BS. It seems to me its much easier for him to resort to the old dysfunctional patterns I was brought up with, and now with my mom and sister involved, it's even easier. My 53 years old, not 10.

                 I was calm and controlled when I spoke to him and held my own I think better then I ever had in my life. I told him straight out that there was nothing wrong with me, and he had the gal to say, "are you sure" twice back at me.  So I said it again with more conviction then the first time. He got real quiet after that. And then this famous mysterious jab came out of his mouth, suggesting that I was trying to break up the family. I say mysterious jab because I dont know for the life of me why he would say that, why my mother would say that. It came out of no where last year over an issue that had nothing to do with anybody else.  What Im getting at is family gossiping. I got mad at my brother "one time" about two years ago that was between him and I only, and after that this tag came out on me out of no where. First my dad, and then I mother said it.  Its stupid because our family is all ready split up. My dad's on the east coast remarried, my brother is in Boston, I used to be in Oklahoma, and mom and sister in North Carolina.  My brother refuses to allow his grand kids to see my mom and sister. My brother told my mom he will never come to  her house again.  He thinks she's out there too. He came one Christmas and my mother was being disrespectful to him by refusing to keep her 8 loud obnoxious dogs locked behind the gate. Things got out of control and my brother freaked! He really let my mother have it verbally. He said he was never coming back here. He meant it.   

          So anyways,  Someone started this tag on me and it sounds to me like it went through the grape vine. I told my father he had it backwards. If anything Im trying to keep our family together.  I should have mentioned by the power of good communication for starters, but it wouldnt have made any differences. My mom and sister are like gossipers and what they say behind each family members backs is nasty. Its nasty ,ugly business. It is so destructive.

          I had my last stand with my father tonight and I decided I will not take part in talking about the problems going on here again. If he wants to believe their lies and pretend to be blind at my expense, fine, but I made it clear to him that they very often have the tendency to distort things and be irrational and I had proof., of course any time I said anything real significant like this he would talk over me as if I said nothing at all.  I was taking a shower tonight and it occurred to me even though I felt real good and proud of myself for being who I am and not some pretend daughter he wants to suit his ego, even though I said what I said with courage it took to say it,  in the long run it's not going to really make that much of a difference,  but like you said which is true,  it made a big difference to me.