I knew that I had to take charge of the conversations and to do so in a way that he was comfortable.
Interesting... .can you talk more about this.
Who was in charge before? What does "taking charge" look like now. What way helps him be comfortable?
Before, no one was in charge. Sometimes it was really awkward even having a normal conversation. He would look to me to start communicating. Honestly, I would do the same thing. We were both scared of having a conversation, especially one involving feelings or expectations. He was scared that he might lash out or get upset. I was scared that I would say the wrong thing or get him upset. Both of us were dancing around all of the issues and not saying anything, because we were worried about how he was going to react.
Now I direct the conversations. Eventually, I would like to get to a point where we both can do it. He told me that he has a hard time talking to anyone at the current time. I understand that he still wants to communicate, but he is looking for me to guide the conversations. If there is something "difficult" that needs to be discussed, I see what type of mood he is in to either push forward or wait for another time. Talking about difficult things when he is dysregulating is a disaster and typically ends up with him projecting, getting extremely defensive, or him stopping the entire conversation.
If he is in more of a stable mood, I say something on the lines of, "I was thinking about X and would like to discuss that." I found being unequivocal and direct really helps with him. I use SET while discussing the difficult topic. If he starts diverting the topic, he tends to say I love you while we discuss difficult things as a way for me to change the subject, I direct it back; I say I love you too but, this is something that is very important to discuss.
He feels really comfortable when I can "relate" to him. He often has told me that no one understands him or the way he feels. It is tricky though because, sometimes "understanding" may come across as invalidating. Also, he feels comfortable if I reassure him that I love him and just because we disagree or have concerns it does not mean I love him any less or he is a bad person. Self-loathing is something that he struggles with and he equals disagreeing or concerns as him being a terrible person.
I have set boundaries with who contacts who first. I told him that along with the importance of communication, it takes two people to communicate and I cannot be the one that always contacts him. I contacted him first and then he would have to contact me the next day. If he did not contact me the next day, I did not call him and gave him the chance to step up. I found that doing it this way, neither of us would be slighted.