Partner With BPD (Threats of Physical Violence? Lying? Resentment? Help)

[unwanted]

Hey everyone. I wish I didn't have to write this, but here I am.

I have PTSD and my (former?) significant other has BPD (and PSTD? Who knows). We've living apart but have been in an online relationship with frequent real life visits for almost 8 years.

At the beginning of our relationship, she was untreated, and did a lot of horrible things. She lied to me and cheated on me. I, in turn, said (and did) a lot of abusive things that I'm not proud of. My PTSD was untreated and I eventually went to therapy and got it (mostly) under control. I'm not perfect, but I'm no longer who I used to be. In fact, we simultaneously attended therapy together (separate therapists), and slowly learned to move beyond the worst of our issues and put the past behind us. We'd been doing well since early 2012, as she had been doing DBT, and I was very, very proud of her.

Or so I thought.

For the past 3+ years, she's lied to me constantly. Unable to let things go, she's been resentful of every little thing that I've said (even from 2010!) and has held it against me. I've encouraged her to talk about her feelings, to keep a diary, and to tell me whenever she had any kind of intrusive thoughts so that we can work on them together. I wanted so badly to help her.

Last night, however, I discovered something horrific. She had written down her fantasies in detail, wherein she caused me irreparable physical harm. As someone who is a survivor of immense childhood abuse, I was paralyzed. Despite the things I said at the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't fathom hurting her physically.

She wrote about how I made her afraid. She couldn't tell me anything. She said she wanted to rescued. Her sexuality and feelings for me were all a lie. Nothing was true.

When I confronted her about this, of course, I found the opposite. "I didn't mean it! I just wrote that when I was feeling afraid and sick! I just want you! I love you and want to be with you forever!" She loves me even though she wants to torture me physically? Even though I make her afraid? Something isn't adding up. Is she just saying this so that I won't leave her? Does she ACTUALLY want to kill me, but her fear of abandonment makes her compelled to keep me around?

I am no longer speaking to her, but I don't know what to believe. I know none of you are mind readers, but... .Could this really be caused by BPD? How do I even begin to realize what was real and what was fake? Should I even talk to someone again who fantasizes about torturing me? And if I did talk to her again, how could I even begin to sort through the truth from lies to make sure this doesn't happen again?

Thank you for any help and support you can give. This has been an awful way to start the year.

[Mutt]

 

Hi unwanted,

I would like to welcome you   I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. It's scary when you find someone's notes and it triggers memories .

I'll ask a simple question.

Does it align with your values? What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line?

[Samuel S.]

Unwanted, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this with your SO. I suggest you look at this from another perspective. Have you done journaling? Have you written anything when you have had a fit of anger? Have you written something that could be written as being very aggressive like what your SO had written? You suggested that she journal. You discovered and read through her private writing. I am not saying that she is right, because she definitely has done things that are inappropriate, but one's private thoughts are private and belong to that individual. We all have fantasies of doing bad things, but we usually don't follow through with them. It is good that if you wish to continue with this relationship, that you continue having an open dialog.

[unwanted]

Have you written anything when you have had a fit of anger? Have you written something that could be written as being very aggressive like what your SO had written?

I can honestly say that I haven't written anything like that in graphic detail due to the nature of my therapy post-trauma. It's a very sensitive subject for me as I was subjected to a great deal of physical violence growing up. The thought of me harming anyone physically or being harmed triggers me to disassociate. She knew this.

The thing is is that she was writing in two different journals. One was intended for her to document her feelings, and she always (voluntarily) shared her writing with me and her therapist. She has often felt like she lacked a sense of self, so she started a journal, and she wanted me to be able to read about how she was progressing and feeling. Ironically, it was so she could be honest with herself.

The second journal was full of her TRUE feelings, which to me, defeated the purpose of the first. How could we even begin to have an open discourse if she lies at every turn? Finding her writing forced her to be honest to me for the first time in years, which then uncovered a lot of issues that we could deal with. I'm not happy that I read it, I would have rather not, but why allow her harbor all of this hatred for another 3+ years? It doesn't make sense. It was all barely there, under the surface, and I could feel it every time we talked, but of course she would lie about it. I would never have wanted to read her private thoughts if I didn't suspect that she hated me immensely. It just seemed to defeat the point of me trying.

Does it align with your values? What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line?

Thank you for the warm welcome!

I have admittedly poor boundaries. I've been out of therapy for a year so I'd like to go back so that I can learn to establish more again.

I would draw the line at more lying. If we were to try and patch things up, I couldn't stand it if she continued to lead this double life of absolutely hating me and wanting to be away from me, but being unable to tell me so. It just seems like a lot of deception and wasted time. I always feel so happy to be with her, but I don't think those feelings are reciprocated.

[Tim300]

Could this really be caused by BPD? How do I even begin to realize what was real and what was fake? Should I even talk to someone again who fantasizes about torturing me? And if I did talk to her again, how could I even begin to sort through the truth from lies to make sure this doesn't happen again?

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I think this could be caused by BPD (and perhaps co-morbidity with Antisocial Personality Disorder).  Since you are asking for advice, I will suggest that you reduce your emotional investment in this relationship and perhaps consider maintaining your physical distance.  I would take her thoughts seriously.  Also, consider that if she's will to go this far with you, what's to stop her from inflicting severe psychology damage on you (which wouldn't present legal ramifications for her).     

[Mutt]

I always feel so happy to be with her, but I don't think those feelings are reciprocated.

Have you explored this in T? Do you make yourself happy when not with her? Or is she the source of happiness?

What worries me are the notes. It raises alarm bells  

[Samuel S.]

Your BPD having two journals, one that she shares and one that she hides, is majorly significant. She is a cunning, deceptive woman whose anger is extremely profound, and she could easily release the dark side of her any time that she would be in a bad mood. Like one of the posters stated, keeping your distance is the best thing for you.

[unwanted]

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies.

Have you explored this in T? Do you make yourself happy when not with her? Or is she the source of happiness?

I will be exploring this in T, yes. I'm in the process of finding a new therapist now.

She isn't the source of my happiness. I do enjoy being around her, and I'd like to work things out, but I'm not as dependent on her as I once was. I'm not completely better at setting boundaries either, but I have improved since we first met.

I'm tentatively talking to her and seeing where it goes from here. However, we are living apart and I'm being extremely cautious. I honestly don't think it'll work, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm going to back to therapy and trying to come to terms with everything.