Fighting the urge,

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

32 days NC, I have been doing okay with it but I have my moments and this is one of them,  even after how rotten she has bent towards me I do still care about her, she was a part of my life for just shy of 10 years total, The majority of that was just as friends, everything changed during the relationship, The last communication I had with her she said she believes she found someone who will love her, and what's funny about that is she is still on her dating site, so much for her finding that love? I actually kind of feel bad for her! She has been trying to get to me in various ways The last two were emailing me on Christmas to wish me merry Christmas and add a snide comment and the other is through a application called Google plus, it was in both of our phones when we were together but nobody ever used it and now she is trying to add friends there and posting love quotes but I do not have anything there at all, not even a picture of myself, I know her love quotes are directed towards me because when she posted them I was the only one on her list and I have not responded to any of it in any way or posted anything there at all,  that would only prove that I am paying attention and still emotionally involved,  what really sucks is I am still emotionally involved!  By all rights I should not be but I am, part of me feels like throwing a dig at her right now about being on her dating site when she said she found someone and obviously has already failed, another part of me wants to post some things about BPD on Google plus so that she could see it, along with listing all the horrible things she has done to me, another part of me wants to post some things about BPD on Google plus and Tell her I care and beg her to get help, another part of me wants to remain quiet and stay NC.  I'm just posting this because it helps me,  thank god I am not Impulsive lIke she is, whatever happens I still wish her the best and happiness.

[Targeted]

32 days NC, I have been doing okay with it but I have my moments and this is one of them,  even after how rotten she has bent towards me I do still care about her, she was a part of my life for just shy of 10 years total, The majority of that was just as friends, everything changed during the relationship, The last communication I had with her she said she believes she found someone who will love her, and what's funny about that is she is still on her dating site, so much for her finding that love? I actually kind of feel bad for her! She has been trying to get to me in various ways The last two were emailing me on Christmas to wish me merry Christmas and add a snide comment and the other is through a application called Google plus, it was in both of our phones when we were together but nobody ever used it and now she is trying to add friends there and posting love quotes but I do not have anything there at all, not even a picture of myself, I know her love quotes are directed towards me because when she posted them I was the only one on her list and I have not responded to any of it in any way or posted anything there at all,  that would only prove that I am paying attention and still emotionally involved,  what really sucks is I am still emotionally involved!  By all rights I should not be but I am, part of me feels like throwing a dig at her right now about being on her dating site when she said she found someone and obviously has already failed, another part of me wants to post some things about BPD on Google plus so that she could see it, along with listing all the horrible things she has done to me, another part of me wants to post some things about BPD on Google plus and Tell her I care and beg her to get help, another part of me wants to remain quiet and stay NC.  I'm just posting this because it helps me,  thank god I am not Impulsive lIke she is, whatever happens I still wish her the best and happiness.

[jhkbuzz]

Funny, I just finished posting about the hellish emotional dysregulation that I often feel... .it mirrors what you just posted almost exactly!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239891.msg12551738#msg12551738

I am nearly 5 months past the b/u and 3 months n/c and my best advice to you is to stay strong... .no contact, no revenge, just focus on getting through TODAY. It does get easier, even with days like today thrown into the mix.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Some days are really bad.  I am now 5 months NC and Christmas was very difficult.  But things got easier after Christmas day.  I think NC is really the most certain way to escape the FOG.  It doesn't seem right to ignore the one that you loved but too often the only alternative is more of the typical BPD abuse we all know too well.  Keep strong - and keep complete radio silence.  This is the only control we have and we do appreciate it.

[Targeted]

I'm staying NC, it's just really difficult when I actually do care so much and would love to go get the proper help for her and make things right for the first time in her life, it is also really difficult to grasp the reality that that's not what she wants, if she did that's where we would be.  She always told me how much she really loved me but her actions showed me I never really mattered,  that sucks too.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I'm staying NC, it's just really difficult when I actually do care so much and would love to go get the proper help for her and make things right for the first time in her life, it is also really difficult to grasp the reality that that's not what she wants, if she did that's where we would be.  She always told me how much she really loved me but her actions showed me I never really mattered,  that sucks too.

She would have loved you but their emotions are fleeting.  The problem is their love is different and always has an expiry date on it. Getting her the help she needs is a fine and noble desire but it is now time to concentrate on helping you.  Many of us played the rescuer role and this got us into such a relationship.  As I like to say - turn around, look within and move on.

[Targeted]

Buzz, I went and read that and it is quite similar isn't it, I guess I am just thankful I have full control over my impulses, and Mr confused, thank you for the post, I am trying the best I can to move on, it is just hard for me to let go of somebody who is drowning, that is who I am, I do not want this relationship to change that about me.

[jhkbuzz]

Buzz, I went and read that and it is quite similar isn't it, I guess I am just thankful I have full control over my impulses, and Mr confused, thank you for the post, I am trying the best I can to move on, it is just hard for me to let go of somebody who is drowning, that is who I am, I do not want this relationship to change that about me.

I understand the rescuing impulse... .but remind yourself that this person is an ADULT who is perfectly capable of changing the course of her life if she so chooses - just like you are.  It's her decision to make, you can't make it for her.

But it's hard... .I know. :'(

[Targeted]

I understand it's up to her to change the course of her life, it is classifying her as a ADULT that I question?   

[jhkbuzz]

I understand it's up to her to change the course of her life, it is classifying her as a ADULT that I question?  

There's a sad grain of truth mixed in there, though... .it's what triggers our rescuing tendencies.

Perhaps this will help:  it's a wonderfully insightful post from a member with the username of "2010":

"Borderlines choose people who take responsibility for their actions. Borderlines choose people who are overly-controlling. Borderlines choose people that are more apt to get hooked into their acting out behaviors rather than look at their own issues of compulsive feel good rescuing.  Alas, that rescuing turns them anxious and feeling bad when the Borderline is out of control. In the not so transparent outcome, controllers become controlling in their rescuing and self-sacrificial in self-esteem in order to make the Borderline act in accordance with their esteemed wishes - which is fantasy based and not realistic at all.  No one has that power of control over another human being (the idea of it is fantasy - and Borderlines use this to their advantage to keep you hooked.)

Realistically, controllers find it easier to jump into rescuing others rather than letting go of the outcome.  Controllers don't allow for someone else’s choices - and desperately try to work a solution. Control of the outcome not only denies the Borderline their own decisions to FAIL if they choose to do so - but also keeps the controller caught in the Borderline web where failure is just not an option and try, try again is the mantra. Letting go and allowing failure is not an option for a rescuer (this is projective identification and needs to be investigated) but it's the letting go that allows Borderlines to see themselves as responsible and not slaves to others.

The best thing to do for a better outcome is to let go, otherwise you'll also become the "master of cruelty" as you don't allow the Borderline to become separate and an individual- An ADULT- with personal choice (and no one else to blame for those choices) and that's the best hope you could ever give to a Borderline. As they say on the board:  "It is with greater kindness that you step away."   Let go of the outcome and let it happen... ."

[Targeted]

Buzz, thank you very much for finding that post from 2010! I will probably have to read it a few more times but I do understand it, it's letting it sink in that is the hard part. What makes it harder for me is she is 52 years old, I don't think she has much time left to be able to want to do the right thing and change her life and she totally had me at 43 years old Who had a lot more energy to take on the world that she lives in and want to change it.  Once again thank you very much for finding that posts from 2010 and I guess it all boils down to 2 words we have all heard here 1 million times--- radical acceptance

[downwhim]

"She would have loved you but their emotions are fleeting.  The problem is their love is different and always has an expiry date on it"

I love this. Their love has an expiration date. That is why I ALWAYS felt insecure even after we got engaged. I subconsciously thought when is he going to leave again? How is he going to screw this up for us?

I remember putting a picture of us back on my nightstand. I thought to myself. Is this bad luck? I have already removed pictures of us twice with the recycling. Sure enough... .their love expires. Thanks for putting it into words for me.

[eyvindr]

If I may -- radical acceptance is for staying. You've left -- you don't have to accept anything anymore. Though it's admirable of you.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to turn your back on someone who is drowning. Easily, the hardest thing about leaving my ex has been the guilt I feel over her accusations that I abandoned her. Because in our case, I did the leaving, not her. I left because I couldn't take the non-stop negative emotionally destructive roller coaster. I left because I feel like I deserve to be in a relationship with someone as consistent and stable as I am. I didn't leave because I stopped loving her, or because I met someone else or because she has serious health problems, as she continues to tell everyone. I left because I love myself, too, and at the end of the day, I can't leave me.

I understand why she feels abandoned -- but when someone refuses to accept that the relationship is over for you, what else can you do but just plain leave?

Stay strong, stay NC, and delete that G+ account, since you don't use it. At least block her. Good luck.

[jhkbuzz]

If I may -- radical acceptance is for staying. You've left -- you don't have to accept anything anymore.

I'm not sure about that... .I think radical acceptance is also necessary for those of us who are post breakup... .it helps in all sorts of ways, I think - in assuaging feelings of guilt and in resisting the lure of malignant hope, for example.

[Targeted]

If I may -- radical acceptance is for staying. You've left -- you don't have to accept anything anymore.

I'm not sure about that... .I think radical acceptance is also necessary for those of us who are post breakup... .it helps in all sorts of ways, I think - in assuaging feelings of guilt and in resisting the lure of malignant hope, for example.

Yes, radically accepting that I do love her but also radically accepting that nothing will ever work unless she radically accepts she has a problem and fixes it And makes some radical changes within herself.  I think it is still radical acceptance but from a different angle.