The sadness of wanting the impossible

[terranova79]

One of the saddest aspects of being in a relationship with a BPD is the sadness that comes with wanting a normal relationship with someone that can be so cruel and confused.

I've been with my uBPDw for 11 years, married for 6.  There were always difficult times, but the last year has been horrible, with her being emotionally abusive and manipulative on an almost daily basis.  I reached the end of my rope in September and told her that I wanted a divorce.  I backed down a few days later and committed to working on improving things, but that has been made nearly impossible because a friend who I confided in told his wife what I had told him in confidence (that my parents thought I should get a divorce and seek custody of our two kids).  My friend's wife then told my wife everything, and since then my wife has been obsessed with hating my parents (calling them evil, saying they should burn in hell, and saying she will never speak to them again).

I wish I could just put the genie back in the bottle.  I wish my wife could accept that her actions contributed to our situation and could forgive my parents for looking after their son's interests.  I wish my wife could just be NICE to me for a change.

My T thinks my uBPDw has pretty bad BPD and will likely not get any better.  No matter how hard I try to repair things, they just get worse.  My wife wants me to "come clean" about all my dealings with my parents regarding our marriage.  She insists she "needs" this, but I know telling her anything will just fuel the fires and make our marriage even worse.

In short, I feel like I want the impossible--a normal relationship with my wife and the mother of my two kids--and that is the most depressing thing of all.

Sigh. :'(  :'(

[neverloveagain]

Say nothing to fuel any fires with ex, it is sad we all wanted something we could never have such is the beast. You can only look forward and help yourself, focus on you the other bridges behind you are burning.

[lockedout]

She's not going to get any better. A healthy person who truly cares and loves you would not care one bit about what your parents thought. They would either want to work things out with you or they wouldn't. You also need to question this friendship. Confidence is supposed to be confidence. Your friend may be your friend, but his wife sure isn't.

She will never admit to any wrongdoing: it would make her "bad". She has to paint your parents as the villains simply because someone has to be in the warped borderline view of the world.

Sad to say, but trying to work things out will only make things worse. Any concession on your part in trying to work things out paints you as "bad", even if you're admitting to it and willing to change.

[drummerboy]

I know exactly how you feel. All you need to concentrate on is the well being of your kids and yourself.

[Trog]

For those feeling sad you may want to look at youtube video from ilyanla vanzant, how to handle when you love someone who doesn't love you back. I'd wager that all of us wanted to be loved in a different way than we were - she talks about why they may do that and what power we do have, the power to choose.

[Tibbles]

I think that is what we all want - a normal relationship with some one who is incapable of having a normal relationship. I so get that telling her anything will just add fuel to the fire. That is what it was like with my ex. I read here some where that for BPD's feeling = facts and if the facts don't fit the feelings then the facts will get altered to fit and the new facts become their reality.

Life in a relationship with a BPD is very hard. Good luck with the journey you are on.