I need support, please. What is wrong with me?

[paperlung]

I'm just going to come out and say it! I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend.  

The same ex-girlfriend who had an online affair with a man twice her age across the world who she invited over and after spending one night with him, wanted me back. He ended up going home like a week later and then I came back into the picture but she started to miss him! I got fed up, didn't want to be part of the triangle, and told her goodbye again. So she makes him fly all the way back to her place AGAIN just to be with him. A few days later I get a text from her. Something like, "Am I never going to hear/see you again? I need help." She sends him back home again, maybe like a week later, and asks me to help her find treatment. Well, she never did follow through with the treatment and ended up finding some new guy on the internet who also lived in another country and fell in love with him almost immediately from just texting or whatever, saying they could be soul mates and that when he comes to visit and things go good, she could see herself moving down to the States to live with him.

After all this drama, which took place between December 2012-March 2013, I walked out on her. This time for good. I went full NC and didn't speak to her until I think March 2014 (right around the same time we split for good). At this point, she had already broken up with the guy from the States and was living with a new boyfriend on and island maybe about and hour and half away from where I live by boat.  The conversation happened through email, and little was said. Just the "Hey, how are you? What's up?" stuff... .

I don't hear from her again until June, she asked via email for my number so we could text. She was still with her boyfriend keep in mind. The conversation was quite lengthy, with her doing most of the talking, explaining all she'd been up to. I asked her why she contacted me again, and she wrote, "I guess I just missed you and wanted to talk to you. I probably shouldn't of contacted you. I don't know why I did... Or maybe don't want to admit why I did." I didn't bother to ask what she meant.

Next time she sends me a text is early October. At this point, she had broken up with her boyfriend she was living on the island with for a year. She was now living alone, but I guess met some new "guy friend" on Tinder in her area to keep her occupied. We caught up some more, she sent me some pictures of herself, and asked to see what I looked like. She began reminiscing on our relationship, since our birthdays were coming up soon (they're a day apart). Told me, "We had lots of good times together. That's what I focus on. I F'd up." I said, "Feeling nostalgic this evening, huh?" She says yes and apologizes for it. I then write this, "No need to be sorry. Despite how things went down between us, I still have lots of fond memories of our time together. You were my first real girlfriend after all." Moments later my phone rings, I don't have call display, and it was late, but I'm sure it was her. I didn't answer. That was the end of that text convo.

Beginning of November, she sends me a text saying that the Tinder guy she was seeing, her "boyfriend" cheated on her and pushed her against her fridge and knocked the wind out of her. She was panicking and wanted to leave the island and move back here (where I live) with her dad again. She eventually found an old guy friend she knew growing up to help move her back here by the never end of November.

So she's now living with her dad again, just 6 miles away from me, and is already on the prowl looking for new supply. She meets some guy off Tinder who lives very close by and they begin hanging out. She also starts seeing the guy who helped her move back here.

She asks if I would like to catch up, take my dog for a walk, and I am reluctant at first. But a week later a say yes and we hang out for maybe 30 minutes, walking my dog at this park we used to visit. I dropped her off at her dad's afterwards, there were no hugs, or see you laters.

After that, she begins texting me for frequently. Seemed like every day. It was always small talk, but it was consistent.

So it's December, on my break, and she sends me a text while I'm working out asking what I'm up to today. I tell her nothing, she tells me she's doing nothing either. So... .I ask if she wants to come over to my place to play video games. She suggests I go to her place instead, so I do around 7 PM. You can read how that went down here (she came onto me REALLY STRONG): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238196.msg12548380#msg12548380

She asked to hang out again for lunch a few days later, but I declined. Then asked if I wanted to go bowling later, I declined as well. I just wasn't feeling well.

Yesterday morning, I ask her if she wanted to accompany me to Chapters. I received a gift card for Christmas and wanted to get a book. She told me, "Alright, I'll see what I'm doing. I've been feeling kinda depressed lately." Anyway, I actually end up telling her an hour later that I can no longer go to Chapters because I had this dinner to go to that I wasn't even aware of.

So today, I message her around 11 AM asking how she's feeling. She says, "I'm feeling fine thanks." So now she's feeling better, huh? I ask her if she wanted to try Chapters again today and she tells me she's with a friend right now... .Who? I don't know.

But it bothers me. Why do I care that she's hanging out with somebody else? I never gave a crap what she was doing when I was NC with her for a year. Even when I was LC and she was living on the island, I still didn't care about her relationship status. But since she's moved back, suddenly I do? It's actually making me depressed and giving me anxiety.

After I found out she was with someone else today, I decided enough is enough. And blocked her from everything. I blocked her from numerous sites she uses so I can't see what she is doing/who she is talking to/or how she is feeling.

I read Infern0's thread, and I was like, "Yes! Yes! So true!" but why must I care for her still? Why must it affect me knowing she is off doing something with some other guy? I didn't before!

I see a lot of people who are still suffering and just wanted to give some thoughts on the recovery process.

When all of this stuff happened to me I was hurting so badly.

Self esteem had gone through rock bottom and was in some sort of new low,  I was depressed to the point of welcoming death,  I was angry some times,  sad the next.  I was wishing she would come back.

My BPDEX came back,  cheated on my replacement with me,  tried to put me into triangulation/ line me up to replace HIM.

I was caught in the trap but this time I decided to walk away. I belive that ME walking helped me to recover at a quicker rate,  but that being said it's only a psychological thing not based in any reality.

The thing is I made the concious decision to stop being a "victim" and while there has been up and downs I'm on the mend.

It's so easy to get stuck in a rut but you need to do whatever you can to get out of the victim mindset.

My BPDEX has tried to break my NC many times in the last few weeks but it's got to the point where I just think she's pathetic now.

Do I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO.

If you break it down and come to realise that you start healing up.

I am much better than this women. She is not on my level at all. I have so much to give someone. She even told me on the phone I was the best boyfriend she's ever had (after we broke up and she was single and living here). I was basically perfect, and she screwed it up. I tried to help her, but she let me down every time.

What is the wrong with me... .I guess first loves die hard.

[Infern0]

You have the right frame of mind,  "what's wrong with me"

Well I don't really like that phrase but you do need to figure out what the reason you are having trouble detaching is.

The thing is,  when you go NC you are breaking an addiction,  but getting back into contact with them again they can stir up a hell of a lot of emotion in you.

Even if you have worked on your own issues and are in a much better place,  they have that history with you and can stir up all the unresolved feelings etc.  It's why so many people go strict no contact,  it might be the only way.

There's a ton of manipulation going on from her,  and it's easy for them to get under your skin.

It's like once you worked on yourself you can kind of plaster over your weaknesses and new people you meet won't see them but the ol BPD knows where they all are and start chipping away at the plaster.

If you want to be free of this crap,  HARD no contact.

[paperlung]

You have the right frame of mind,  "what's wrong with me"

Well I don't really like that phrase but you do need to figure out what the reason you are having trouble detaching is.

The thing is,  when you go NC you are breaking an addiction,  but getting back into contact with them again they can stir up a hell of a lot of emotion in you.

Even if you have worked on your own issues and are in a much better place,  they have that history with you and can stir up all the unresolved feelings etc.  It's why so many people go strict no contact,  it might be the only way.

There's a ton of manipulation going on from her,  and it's easy for them to get under your skin.

It's like once you worked on yourself you can kind of plaster over your weaknesses and new people you meet won't see them but the ol BPD knows where they all are and start chipping away at the plaster.

If you want to be free of this crap,  HARD no contact.

I guess you are right. I know she'll inevitably text me again at some point. Could be an hour from now, could be tomorrow, or later this week... .but she will.

I don't feel right just ignoring her next text. Seems a little rude. The least I can do is give her closure as to why I can no longer talk or see her. I'm sure it'll upset her for maybe a day, but she'll get over it quickly and fully turn her attention elsewhere until things go astray.

She says she wants to take this Veterinary Assistant course at this college in April. I doubt she'll do it. Her anxiety is pretty bad. I even suggested she go volenteer at Petsmart in the meantime but she said she doesn't think she could because of her anxiety... .so I'm thinking... .if you can't take care of some cats in a small room for maybe an hour a week because of your anxiety, doing a full-time program at a college surrounded by other students is going to make your anxiety reach new levels. I swear, she's full of crap. Sometimes she has moments of clarity, and she is aware of this, but they go away. I think she only brought this college thing up to me because I said to her originally when she moved back her, and before we met, that I would feel a lot better about meeting her if she was making good progress. Next day she is texting me about taking this program, go figure.

[Infern0]

The story is the exact same with mine. She has unrealistic expectations of what she can achieve.  She is always enrolling on courses and then dropping out of it within a few weeks.

I try to explain that she needs to work on herself before taking this kind of thing on but it goes in one ear and out the other.

There's no point trying to talk common sense into someone who isn't sane.

[paperlung]

The story is the exact same with mine. She has unrealistic expectations of what she can achieve.  She is always enrolling on courses and then dropping out of it within a few weeks.

I try to explain that she needs to work on herself before taking this kind of thing on but it goes in one ear and out the other.

There's no point trying to talk common sense into someone who isn't sane.

Dude! Totally! Just before she moved back here, I asked her, "What's your plan now? What does 'get help' mean to you? You've been trying that since I've known you."

Her response: "My plan is completely different than any other. Thing I had in my past. My plan is to have ongoing support through a mental health system, and yes of course. In my past I never cared enough about myself to change. As independent as i am I'm still struggling that I don't have what I want. Like a secure stable life/family."

Since moving back, she has not looked into getting therapy. That night I went over to her place to play video games I brought the subject up and she said something like, "Oh, I'm fine now. I was just really stressed out in October/November." The only thing she's been doing since her return here is using OKCupid/Tinder to meet guys. Hell, she was even using it weeks before her move in hopes of I guess finding somebody to see immediately.  

The problem with my ex is that she hasn't been in school since Grade 8 (she dropped out). She's 23 now. There's no way she's going to be able to handle a full-time program that lasts 6 months. No way in hell. She'll probably just go back to being a cam girl and move in with some new OKCupid/Tinder guy.

[paperlung]

I sent her an email. I'm out.

Hey, Ex. This is really difficult for me to say, but here it goes. I don't want to see or hear from you anymore. Believe me, you've done nothing wrong. As the old cliche goes: It's not you, it's me. I've finally come to this realization today.

Ever since you moved back here, some old feelings I used to have for you gradually began to resurface. I thought I had rid myself of them for good, but as we started to text more, and of course see each other, things changed a bit.

I don't know what your intentions were that night I came over. I just thought we'd play some video games for a few hours. You really threw me for a loop when you came onto me. I didn't know what to make of it, which was why I appeared so inattentive. A part of me did like the affection, I'm not going to lie. And I'm sure if I was more reciprocal to your advancements, things could've happened. However, you had already mentioned that you were seeing others guys; I found that a little off-putting. I guess because I never pegged you as that type of girl.

You were my first real relationship. The first and only girl I've ever truly loved. To watch you so easily throw yourself at me like that after such a long time made me really question your current self-worth/self-esteem. You mean so much more to me than that.

Please understand, I am doing this in order to project myself. Nobody has ever hurt me as bad as you did two years ago in my entire life. I'm frightened that if we continue to text/see each other, my feelings for you will just grow stronger, and I don't want to get hurt again.

Ex, you made your first real step in turning your life around by moving back in with your father. I sincerely hope that you take full advantage of this opportunity. That Veterinary Assistant Program sounds terrific, and I completely believe you have it in you to do it.

I will not be changing my number like last time, but please do respect this very tough decision of mine by not contacting me. Thank you.

- paperlung

[peiper]

This is why you have to maintain NC. They can suck you right back in.

[paperlung]

This is why you have to maintain NC. They can suck you right back in.

I maintained it for one whole year after we split, and wasn't affected by LC because I knew she lived far away and was probably in a relationship. It wasn't until she moved back here that I started to become vulnerable again.

Here we go again.

[peiper]

This is why you have to maintain NC. They can suck you right back in.

I maintained it for one whole year after we split, and wasn't affected by LC because I knew she lived far away and was probably in a relationship. It wasn't until she moved back here that I started to become vulnerable again.

Here we go again.

All the more reason to keep strict NC