Logic for the pwBPD

[Cole]

I mentioned on another thread how I was using SPIN to help my BPDw make decisions based on logic rather than emotion. Formflier asked me to start a new thread on this, so here it goes... .

SPIN is a tool used in sales and purchasing processes and stands for Situation, Problem, Implication, Needs pay-off. I use it in all kinds of business applications, sales or not and decided to see if I can use it to help my wife. Mind you, this is not about manipulation, but a process used in the corporate world to help people make important decisions.

This needs to be done while the pwBPD is calm, not while they are wound up in an emotional state. I usually give it a little time for her to calm down and even ask her, "Are you in a place where we can talk about this logically?" If she is not yet able to separate fact from feelings, then I wait until she is. Depending on circumstances, it could be a few hours or a month.

Situation. I listen to what my wife says the situation is. I ask questions to help her clarify in her own mind what is fact and what is feeling, I don't tell her. It is important to let the pwBPD come to the determination themselves.

Problem. I ask her what problem(s) the situation is creating. Again, it is important to help them determine what the actual problem is on their own, in their own words.

Implication. What is the implication of not solving this problem? "If you don't fix this, what will happen next?" Again, let them come to their own conclusions.

Needs Payoff. Ask them what they think the solution is. Give them the chance to find it on their own. If they need help, ask questions that lead them toward finding a solution, but never tell them what the solution is, they must find it on their own so they can take ownership of it.    

They key is to ask them questions along each step, not to tell them how it is and not to fix the problem for them. If you cannot do this, then it will not work.

Now, formflyer asked me how it has worked so far. Good where I have tried it! But I have only used it on small issues where I know she can get her emotions under control and think about the situation with more logic than emotion.

Some of our bigger relationship problems are still very much in the feeling=fact stage, so SPIN would only be an exercise in futility there.    

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[maxsterling]

I see where this can be effective.  As you stated, the pwBPD needs to be calm and in a state where not completely emotionally driven.  We need to pay attention to the clues as to when using techniques like this may be effective.  Thinking about my wife, I think appropriate times are when she comes to me with a problem, better if the problem does not involve the r/s, and probably should never try something like this when she thinks her problem has to do with me.  I see our MC use similar techniques with her, as her questions to help her come to her own solutions.   I've found that method works well, too - rather than directly respond to what she is asking, ask background questions, and help her thing about choices and scenarios.

[notdownyet]

I'm a UK qualified careers adviser, and I use a very similar model when delivering careers counselling sessions.

The model we follow is DOTS or SODT - Self-awareness, Opportunity awareness, Decision making and Transition.

Similarly, I take a person centred approach, asking lots of probing and challenging questions in the initial stages of the interaction, to get below the individuals initial presenting needs and to raise self-awareness.

The focus is one of being facilitative and impartial, in order to support individuals in finding their own solutions and making their own decisions, by acting as a skilled guide.  Being impartial/neutral, also helps in putting some distance between myself and emotive issues which can potentially bring about conflict – by acting as “the devils advocate”.

I've tried some of these techniques too with my wife; in a very informal sense, to help her in becoming more self-aware, and it does work.  Whether this brings about any significant change or not, is another story.

Getting the timing right is not easy, as you're essentially trying to get them to do something that they’ve spent a good portion of their life trying to avoid – self-reflection, and that reflection isn’t pretty.

My thinking, is that if I can help her see the reasoning behind why she does/thinks the things she does; then this at least is some step towards being able to make a change.

[Cole]

I think appropriate times are when she comes to me with a problem, better if the problem does not involve the r/s, and probably should never try something like this when she thinks her problem has to do with me. 

Good advise. We have some major r/s problems and this method would be futile for those. It only works if the pwBPD can think rationally, rather than emotionally, about the particular issue.