Is it me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry, 10 steps forward, 8 back. Ever since I saw her pic with the new guy all happy on their night out(I said I was happy for her), I'm thinking that maybe it was me? She's apparently happy with the new guy of 4 and some change months. Maybe I'm jacked up. Maybe she is happy. Nothing I can do about it as I don't want her back, but I guess I would just like to truthfully know what the hell I did wrong. I'm still sad.

[Deeno02]

Sorry, 10 steps forward, 8 back. Ever since I saw her pic with the new guy all happy on their night out(I said I was happy for her), I'm thinking that maybe it was me? She's apparently happy with the new guy of 4 and some change months. Maybe I'm jacked up. Maybe she is happy. Nothing I can do about it as I don't want her back, but I guess I would just like to truthfully know what the hell I did wrong. I'm still sad.

[jhkbuzz]

Sorry, 10 steps forward, 8 back. Ever since I saw her pic with the new guy all happy on their night out(I said I was happy for her), I'm thinking that maybe it was me? She's apparently happy with the new guy of 4 and some change months. Maybe I'm jacked up. Maybe she is happy. Nothing I can do about it as I don't want her back, but I guess I would just like to truthfully know what the hell I did wrong. I'm still sad.

If she has BPD then nothing has changed - you're engaging in magical thinking (that someone else besides you could "heal her" and you're beating yourself up (that you didn't do a "better job".

Stop torturing yourself... .BPD is a disorder of repeat performances.

And a single smiling picture says nothing about the state of their relationship.  Trust me, I know.  My gf and I had lots of smiling pics - in the middle of the worst chaos you can imagine.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I can see where you are coming from.  We hate failure and keep asking ourselves what we could have done differently.  If you were a fully qualified psychiatrist then perhaps you could have succeeded.  Otherwise - no chance and neither will the replacement unless he is completely schizoid and happy to accept all the manipulations and cheating that goes with the territory.  Ease up on yourself.  Enjoy the new you.  What you have become after this trauma.

[CloseToFreedom]

I recognise the pain. While my ex doesn't seem to have a new replacement (not a steady one, at least), she seems to be dating again. It's hard. I wonder constantly if it was me and not her. Mind you it has been 5 weeks since the break up for me.

I recon it will take a while before you and i are totally convinced it was not us. Perhaps we'll know it when we're in a happy, new relationship, with someone that appreciate us for who we are. Could I have done things differently in the relationship? Sure, but after years I was worn down and I couldn't give any more love. I was used up.

[Infern0]

Deeno no it wasn't you.

Mine had smiling pictures up 4 hours after her boyfriend overdosed.

Be greatful you are rid of her world of lies.

Time to start living in the real world again.

[Deeno02]

Funny part is, I know your all spot on. She never cheated, but the rest of the stuff from BPD land really jacked me up. The new guy is an old college buddy, guess theyve known each other off and on for over 20 something years. I know she's jacked up and I know Im not perfect. She still managed to be snarky even when I told her I was glad she was happy. She called me passive agressive... .What the heck. I know that just confirms that Im totally black and non existent in her world when she cant even accept that her ex is happy that shes happy. Im not sure why I even care anymore, but its slowly going away. Guess I just miss being a couple, and thats the wrong reason to be in a relationship.

I tried the best I could, I really did, but I was worn the hell out, felt like a loser around her friends(when I met them, that is) and just couldnt do anything right. Seems horrible that this person who treated me, and as she was slowly getting rid of me, my kids, has such a rent free environment in my head. Uncool.

[Tibbles]

Deeno02

It's not you and you did nothing wrong. Those are the questions us non's constantly ask ourselves and constantly doubt ourselves with. Like jhkbuzz I too have pictures of the "happy family" right in the middle of chaos. Pictures tell lies a lot more than they tell the truth. She has an illness that has nothing to do with you.

If I got my maths right "10 steps forward and 8 back" still puts you going 2 steps in the right direction. Keep going that way, to the positive bright future that you deserve.

[enlighten me]

Deeno youve come a long way from when you first posted.

Its normal to have these doubts. You may not want to hear this but yes it was you. It will also be him and the next guy and the next guy.

we all play a part in the downfall of the relationship. Some last longer as the partner is more guilable, laid back, strict whatever it is that slows the eventual demise.

It was also you because you cannot be everything they want as what they want changes from minute to minute.

You tried the impossible and failed and there is no shame in that. The thing that helped me was to think the worst. By painting them black it is much easier to let go. You say she never cheated. You have mentioned this in a number of your posts. This to me seems to anchor you to her and a hope that things could be different. Without letting go off the positives you will never detatch fully.

I hope this hasnt come across as harsh. I feel for you as I know what your going through.

[Deeno02]

Deeno youve come a long way from when you first posted.

Its normal to have these doubts. You may not want to hear this but yes it was you. It will also be him and the next guy and the next guy.

we all play a part in the downfall of the relationship. Some last longer as the partner is more guilable, laid back, strict whatever it is that slows the eventual demise.

It was also you because you cannot be everything they want as what they want changes from minute to minute.

You tried the impossible and failed and there is no shame in that. The thing that helped me was to think the worst. By painting them black it is much easier to let go. You say she never cheated. You have mentioned this in a number of your posts. This to me seems to anchor you to her and a hope that things could be different. Without letting go off the positives you will never detatch fully.

I hope this hasnt come across as harsh. I feel for you as I know what your going through.

No, not at all. Guess Im hung up on the cheating part because thats what ended my marriage of 18 years, at least my gf never did that. Hell, with 5 kids she barely had time for me, which, of course was my fault. I dont want her back as her conduct towards my kids was a deal breaker of epic proportions. I guess Im trying to figure out how not to repeat a failed relationship again, but I know deep down that this is like peeing on an electric fence. Good idea at the time, until it shocks you. Guess Im still in shock a bit over my non existence. Its rough knowing you meant nothing. Hard to get over that issue.

[enlighten me]

It may seem like we meant nothing and to our way of thinking we didnt. Everything to a pwBPD is an object like a toy to a five year old. It is fun at first then get broken and battered as isnt as shiny so gets thrown in tge toy cupboard. We only the other hand have deeper feelings.

[Popcorn71]

Deeno - I totally understand how you feel.  Before logging on here tonight I was feeling down and wondering the same.  My ex looks happy with the replacement, including her family and his (who he would have nothing to do with when he was me).  How can he have totally changed?  Then I think logically and remember that 18 months in to our relationship, he was still pretending.  There were happy photos of us at that point.  The reality was that I was starting to dislike his grown up kids and they were doing their best to cause trouble as I think they wanted my ex and their mother back together.  Obviously none of this showed in the pictures!

The truth is probably not as it seems.  You know exactly what the replacement has got involved with.  My ex went to the replacement with 3 failed marriages (2 totally his own fault and the other probably so), nearing the end of his working life with only the prospect of a poor retirement, when the replacement is being led to believe that he is wealthy, and failing health that he refuses to acknowledge and he will soon become a burden to her.  Is this what she thinks she has 'won'?  I doubt it, but by the time she realises she will probably feel as crappy as I did at the end of my marriage to him.

So what I am trying to explain, is that when you look at everything, you can see that it wasn't you.  It is definately something wrong with them.  You know that though really.  Please, just keep reminding yourself of it.

Thanks for this thread.  It made me think and writing this has made me feel more positive tonight 

[Deeno02]

I do popcorn. I just feel so not wanted and non existent. I was just tossed like a Kleenex. Literally one week I'm with her, next week her old college buddy. It's hard because I'm 51 now and don't feel very datable anymore. Just alone and I don't know why.

[Mr Hollande]

I'm still sad.

You are absolutely right there Deeno. No manner of insight and understanding will change that fact. The experience we've all had is sad. It is diminishingly sad.

[Popcorn71]

I just feel so not wanted and non existent. I was just tossed like a Kleenex.

It's what they do.  I feel that way too but I am coming to see that it says alot about him and very little about me.  How sad that they live a shallow life where everything and everyone can be thrown away.


It's hard because I'm 51 now and don't feel very datable anymore.

Believe me, there are many women out there that would love to date a nice 51 year old man (me included and I'm 44).  There is hope for all of us.  I work with elderly people and have known dating couples in their 80's!

Just alone and I don't know why.

We are never alone when we can log on here.  I have found great support from many people who have similar experiences and they understand.  Maybe being physically alone is just something to get used to, not necessarily something bad.

[Rise]

I do popcorn. I just feel so not wanted and non existent. I was just tossed like a Kleenex. Literally one week I'm with her, next week her old college buddy. It's hard because I'm 51 now and don't feel very datable anymore. Just alone and I don't know why.

I worked quite a bit with my therapist and found out a lot of what I was feeling wasn't about her. Yes, she treated me pretty badly, and I was rightfully upset with her. But things hit me so hard because I wasn't happy with myself. Our relationship and all the crap that went on afterwards was just a catalyst for those feeling to come to the forefront. I didn't really start feeling better about my ex until I started feeling better about myself.

[hurting300]

Funny part is, I know your all spot on. She never cheated, but the rest of the stuff from BPD land really jacked me up. The new guy is an old college buddy, guess theyve known each other off and on for over 20 something years. I know she's jacked up and I know Im not perfect. She still managed to be snarky even when I told her I was glad she was happy. She called me passive agressive... .What the heck. I know that just confirms that Im totally black and non existent in her world when she cant even accept that her ex is happy that shes happy. Im not sure why I even care anymore, but its slowly going away. Guess I just miss being a couple, and thats the wrong reason to be in a relationship.

I tried the best I could, I really did, but I was worn the hell out, felt like a loser around her friends(when I met them, that is) and just couldnt do anything right. Seems horrible that this person who treated me, and as she was slowly getting rid of me, my kids, has such a rent free environment in my head. Uncool.

not all people with BPD cheat. They do all act the the same

[enlighten me]

I do popcorn. I just feel so not wanted and non existent. I was just tossed like a Kleenex. Literally one week I'm with her, next week her old college buddy. It's hard because I'm 51 now and don't feel very datable anymore. Just alone and I don't know why.

when my exw left me I felt undateable that was nearly five years ago and I was 39. After I left my exgf I also felt that way. Im 44 and what I realise is that im not a bad catch. Im reasonably good looking, hard working, intelligent, a good earner, adventurous.

Im not ready to date and not sure when I will be but I wont meet anyone sat at home. I need to put myself out there. Join some clubs and go out. I need to rebuild my confidence and not let my exs rule my head. The way they treat us knocks our confidence and we believe them for some reason that we are at fault but why are we listening to someone with mental health issues. We wouldnt take medical advice from them as theyre not qualified so why do we let them influence our love life when love is something they are unqualified to advise on.

[Pingo]

I'm still sad.

You are absolutely right there Deeno. No manner of insight and understanding will change that fact. The experience we've all had is sad. It is diminishingly sad.

Deeno, in a lot of ways I have been able to relate to the different stages you've gone through, while you were going through them, bc I am out of my r/s not much longer than you.  I've been reading your posts since you came on here and we've both grown a lot, even if it sometimes feels like we do indeed take 10 steps forward, 8 back.  I think you, like me, are leaving that anger phase and entering a level of acceptance where you see things as they were and know you tried your best and all you can do is feel sad. The reality is truly sad.  The person we loved with all our heart is gone and we are left questioning what was real, what was fantasy.  My T told me that if you don't run from this sadness and allow yourself to feel it, cry, grieve, this is the point where huge growth can happen. This can be the catalyst to a much happier, healthier and balanced life. 

[Deeno02]

I'm still sad.

You are absolutely right there Deeno. No manner of insight and understanding will change that fact. The experience we've all had is sad. It is diminishingly sad.

Deeno, in a lot of ways I have been able to relate to the different stages you've gone through, while you were going through them, bc I am out of my r/s not much longer than you.  I've been reading your posts since you came on here and we've both grown a lot, even if it sometimes feels like we do indeed take 10 steps forward, 8 back.  I think you, like me, are leaving that anger phase and entering a level of acceptance where you see things as they were and know you tried your best and all you can do is feel sad. The reality is truly sad.  The person we loved with all our heart is gone and we are left questioning what was real, what was fantasy.  My T told me that if you don't run from this sadness and allow yourself to feel it, cry, grieve, this is the point where huge growth can happen. This can be the catalyst to a much happier, healthier and balanced life. 

Thanks Pingo. I think I'm all out of tears. I've always tried to be a decent man. 90% of the time it's been good. But, like most humans I'm not perfect by any means. Wasn't good enough for her. But I will be good enough for someone else. Hugs to you Pingo, my friend.