Do they ever "get theirs" and why snoop if not going to contact?

[lipstick]

Hi family,

Two questions have been on my mind lately and I would love to have everyone's input / opinions / experiences.

1. Do our exes ever "get theirs"? Several wonderful members on this site have convinced me that my ex is putting on a good front via Facebook and pretending that he is the happiest guy on the planet. I'm fine with that. I understand. But do they ever "get theirs" from treating folks so poorly? I admit - a part of me wants to see my ex crash and burn. But he seems to skate along unscathed by any of his rotten deeds.

2.  Why do our exes continue to keep tabs on us if they have zero intention of contacting us? Mine does this on a regular basis - yet never reaches out for contact. What do they get out of snooping?

Please share your thoughts with me! 

[JRT]

I suspect that mine does as well... .I'd like to know the answer to this as well.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

They are never very happy.  I think many suffer badly.  It is a serious condition and it can end in suicide or death via self harm (alcoholism/substance abuse).

I am not sure why they snoop but suspect it has something to do with never fully detaching.  How can they fully detach if they jump to new supply so quickly?  They seem too scared to process proper grief.

[EaglesJuju]

I understand how you would want your ex to have some type of repercussions from the things he has done.  Ultimately, pwBPD do have repercussions.  They have a disorder that causes them a great deal of intense emotions.  My pwBPD has extreme self-loathing, shame, and depression.  He told me, "When I am in the pit of darkness and depression, I can't see or believe anything else besides the pain.  I feel like I deserve the pain so I bask in it and almost enjoy it because, I feel like that is what I deserve."  Essentially, my pwBPD lives in an inner hell.

[billypilgrim]

1.) They do say what goes around comes around but I'd like to get to a place that I just don't care if she's happy as a lark or still stuck repeating the BPD cycles.  I don't want to waste anymore time or energy on someone that can't appreciate me for who I am.  But to be honest, I think having a lifetime of BPD would be enough of a "what for."

2.)  It has to do with control and their issues with attachment.  Knowing where you are and what you are doing.  I've dated two cluster B's.  The first was my first real relationship.  She has yet to ever reach out but she continually friend requested me on facebook and she e-mails my parents once or twice a year.  My parents do not respond yet she continues to write.  She is married and has a child.  We broke up 9 years ago.  

The second was my 6 year r/s to the person I married.  She left 2.5 months ago so it's too early to tell what she'll do - she kept communicating with me early but after a week or so, I told her to leave me alone.  I've been NC ever since, aside from divorce communications.  If she does reach out, I will not be re-engaging.  From what I know about her, she kept tabs on all of her ex's.  Even well wishing them when they found new relationships, checking in on them (I know all of this because when she left, she left a lot of personal stuff, e.g. letters, her facebook up on my computer, etc.  She also got back with and ex when she left me.  

It's all about control and keeping options available.  You proved to be a person that could meet their needs so they need to keep you around in case things go sour elsewhere.  And you have to see this from their perspective, keeping tabs on you is their way of making you seem available or accessible should they need you, it doesn't matter if you are actually available.  Or that's my take, #notadoctor.

[Deeno02]

1.) They do say what goes around comes around but I'd like to get to a place that I just don't care if she's happy as a lark or still stuck repeating the BPD cycles.  I don't want to waste anymore time or energy on someone that can't appreciate me for who I am.  But to be honest, I think having a lifetime of BPD would be enough of a "what for."

2.)  It has to do with control and their issues with attachment.  Knowing where you are and what you are doing .  I've dated two cluster B's.  The first was my first real relationship.  She has yet to ever reach out but she continually friend requested me on facebook and she e-mails my parents once or twice a year.  My parents do not respond yet she continues to write.  She is married and has a child.  We broke up 9 years ago.  

The second was my 6 year r/s to the person I married.  She left 2.5 months ago so it's too early to tell what she'll do - she kept communicating with me early but after a week or so, I told her to leave me alone.  I've been NC ever since, aside from divorce communications.  If she does reach out, I will not be re-engaging.  From what I know about her, she kept tabs on all of her ex's.  Even well wishing them when they found new relationships, checking in on them (I know all of this because when she left, she left a lot of personal stuff, e.g. letters, her facebook up on my computer, etc.  She also got back with and ex when she left me.  

It's all about control and keeping options available.  You proved to be a person that could meet their needs so they need to keep you around in case things go sour elsewhere.  And you have to see this from their perspective, keeping tabs on you is their way of making you seem available or accessible should they need you, it doesn't matter if you are actually available.  Or that's my take, #notadoctor.

Mine sure as hell aint keeping me around... .thats a good thing.

[JRT]

1.) They do say what goes around comes around but I'd like to get to a place that I just don't care if she's happy as a lark or still stuck repeating the BPD cycles.  I don't want to waste anymore time or energy on someone that can't appreciate me for who I am.  But to be honest, I think having a lifetime of BPD would be enough of a "what for."

2.)  It has to do with control and their issues with attachment.  Knowing where you are and what you are doing.  I've dated two cluster B's.  The first was my first real relationship.  She has yet to ever reach out but she continually friend requested me on facebook and she e-mails my parents once or twice a year.  My parents do not respond yet she continues to write.  She is married and has a child.  We broke up 9 years ago.  

The second was my 6 year r/s to the person I married.  She left 2.5 months ago so it's too early to tell what she'll do - she kept communicating with me early but after a week or so, I told her to leave me alone.  I've been NC ever since, aside from divorce communications.  If she does reach out, I will not be re-engaging.  From what I know about her, she kept tabs on all of her ex's.  Even well wishing them when they found new relationships, checking in on them (I know all of this because when she left, she left a lot of personal stuff, e.g. letters, her facebook up on my computer, etc.  She also got back with and ex when she left me.  

It's all about control and keeping options available.  You proved to be a person that could meet their needs so they need to keep you around in case things go sour elsewhere.  And you have to see this from their perspective, keeping tabs on you is their way of making you seem available or accessible should they need you, it doesn't matter if you are actually available.  Or that's my take, #notadoctor.

Mine left a LOT of personal stuff as well. Among everything, a large trunk of personal keepsake type items that you go into a burning house to retrieve. Inside are her kids baby items, photos, letters from friends, her HS cap and gown, newspaper clippings, family jewlery, etc. I have made her family aware of these items but she will not make arrangements to pick them up (she did a 'disappearing act' and I have not spoken to her at all as I am blocked from contacting her... .don't even know where she lives)... .why do they do that?

[hurting300]

Mind games. That's all it is. Don't trust them.

[fromheeltoheal]

The disorder creates a lifetime of misery, my ex had only fleeting moments of happiness and contentment between bouts of extreme anguish and discontent; she "gets hers" every day, regardless of the facade that is painted for the purpose of forming new attachments.

Think attachments with borderlines; if one was formed with someone a borderline never wants to let that go, although may not follow through and make contact because of shame.  My ex has been contacting me on and off for over 27 years and will probably never stop, although it's pretty random and I never return anything; there's still an attachment there to her and she's testing it.

[JRT]

The disorder creates a lifetime of misery, my ex had only fleeting moments of happiness and contentment between bouts of extreme anguish and discontent; she "gets hers" every day, regardless of the facade that is painted for the purpose of forming new attachments.

Think attachments with borderlines; if one was formed with someone a borderline never wants to let that go, although may not follow through and make contact because of shame.  My ex has been contacting me on and off for over 27 years and will probably never stop, although it's pretty random and I never return anything; there's still an attachment there to her and she's testing it.

So what about, say , in my case. Where my BPD did a 'disappearing act' and went through significant efforts to block me from contacting her - she broke up via text and blocked me from every conceivable way of contacting her. Do you suggest that this is a temporary thing since she remains attached?

[hurting300]

Mine didn't even tell me it's over, she just simply disappeared. Changed her number, deactivated her Facebook... .Yet, drives MILES out of the way to pass my house. So yes, in my opinion everything with a borderline is temporary.

[fromheeltoheal]

The disorder creates a lifetime of misery, my ex had only fleeting moments of happiness and contentment between bouts of extreme anguish and discontent; she "gets hers" every day, regardless of the facade that is painted for the purpose of forming new attachments.

Think attachments with borderlines; if one was formed with someone a borderline never wants to let that go, although may not follow through and make contact because of shame.  My ex has been contacting me on and off for over 27 years and will probably never stop, although it's pretty random and I never return anything; there's still an attachment there to her and she's testing it.

So what about, say , in my case. Where my BPD did a 'disappearing act' and went through significant efforts to block me from contacting her - she broke up via text and blocked me from every conceivable way of contacting her. Do you suggest that this is a temporary thing since she remains attached?

The other force in a borderline mind is engulfment, where a borderline gets too close to someone and feels like they will lose themselves into that other person so they push them away, only to feel abandoned, which sets up the push/pull we've all experienced.  It's a cycle so everything is temporary, but if she's feeling ashamed by her actions she may not initiate contact because of it, and if she found a new attachment that can quell the feelings of abandonment.  But in my experience the attachment is still there, and if things are not good in her current situation you may pop up on her radar as someone who can make her feel better, and you might get a call as if nothing is wrong and nothing ever happened; such is the case with someone who has an unstable sense of self, a need to attach to soothe her emotions and is impulsive.  Never say never and I'm sorry she disappeared like that, but do you really want that phone call?

[Perdita]

I remember reading on here a long time ago about how some of them seem delighted when they hear you've had some bad luck in life and want to know more about your misfortune rather than offer real support.  

Perhaps that is why they keep tabs on some of us?  That and not wanting to detach completely.  I am convinced that my ex will never detach from his ex and she has no clue about it.  As for me, I believe 100% that he doesn't care.  I was just an instrument he used to get his fantasy girl to think he's a hero or something.  That's the hardest part of it all to accept.  I gave so much love to someone that couldn't care less.

[JRT]

Mine didn't even tell me it's over, she just simply disappeared. Changed her number, deactivated her Facebook... .Yet, drives MILES out of the way to pass my house. So yes, in my opinion everything with a borderline is temporary.

How long were you together? How long have you been apart?

[paperlung]

From what my ex has told me, she had "gotten her's" in all three relationships that followed ours. The first guy, who she left me for and moved to the States to be with, canceled their wedding (she was only 21 and had only known the guy for a few months). Her second relationship I don't know too much about, but apparently he raped her 4 months in and they broke up at least once but got back together; she ended it after a year, I don't know why. But when he found out she went on Tinder and had a random hook up with some guy after their official breakup, he went nuts on her apparently and absurd her physically and verbally. The third relationship she entered which only lasted a month was the worst of them all she said. He abused her, cheated on her, manipulated her; she said it was hell, and even told me maybe it was karma for what she did to me in the past.

As for snooping, I know for a fact she checks my posts on this message board I post at (she remembers my username).

[FoolishMan]

Hi family,

Two questions have been on my mind lately and I would love to have everyone's input / opinions / experiences.

1. Do our exes ever "get theirs"? Several wonderful members on this site have convinced me that my ex is putting on a good front via Facebook and pretending that he is the happiest guy on the planet. I'm fine with that. I understand. But do they ever "get theirs" from treating folks so poorly? I admit - a part of me wants to see my ex crash and burn. But he seems to skate along unscathed by any of his rotten deeds.

2.  Why do our exes continue to keep tabs on us if they have zero intention of contacting us? Mine does this on a regular basis - yet never reaches out for contact. What do they get out of snooping?

Please share your thoughts with me!  

Yes they do!

Today, on FB, my ex has posted up text message screen shots between 'mr perfect'  replacement and two other girls, clearly showing he is cheating. I got shown by a member of my staff who sheepishly asked 'if I was up to hearing about exgf'. Honestly, you'd think from what she says and also FB they were Perfect but this thread today shows there has been cracks, lies and cheating from day one. Both their families are bickering and threatening each other where just at Christmas they were in group photos on FB (I looked back today not looked since May)

I confess I burst out laughing. I did not and do not feel bad about this. She is going on like she has never lied or cheated on anyone in her life


Validation anyone?  

[hurting300]

Mine didn't even tell me it's over, she just simply disappeared. Changed her number, deactivated her Facebook... .Yet, drives MILES out of the way to pass my house. So yes, in my opinion everything with a borderline is temporary.

How long were you together? How long have you been apart?

together 18 months. Apart 9 months

[JRT]

Mine didn't even tell me it's over, she just simply disappeared. Changed her number, deactivated her Facebook... .Yet, drives MILES out of the way to pass my house. So yes, in my opinion everything with a borderline is temporary.

How long were you together? How long have you been apart?

together 18 months. Apart 9 months

She has not contacted you at all? have you tired to contact her?

[enlighten me]

Do they get theres well my exw is married to a guy who is either BPD NPD or pscopath. She is miserable. Our eldest son said he wanted to live with me and refused to go bsck. She guilted him into doing so but it scared her a lot. She is constantly walking on eggshells and I even got a few I told you so's in for good measure. Not out of spite but to try and get her to stick up for our sons with her husband.

As for stalking they may want to see us fail to justify not being with us or it might be just to see if their old toy is still in he toy cupboard in case they want to play with them again. Or maybe its regret and longing.

[lipstick]

Great responses! Thank you all for your thoughts. My ex is back with his partner of 26 years. When he dumped me - he immediately went back to her. No new supply in the mix. It is a dysfunctional relationship to say the least. Alcohol abuse is a big factor.

I think he's also becoming religious. Perhaps at age 52 he's wanting to get into heaven and thinks it's time to clean up his act !  

Either way - he's putting on quite a show for all to see on Facebook. He seems very happy and quite content. Quite the jovial fellow with ! after every sentence. He wants you to FEEL how happy he is these days! There are zero signs of the disorder. Perhaps it's now in remission due to his age? Just seriously makes me wonder... .

And I don't think he'll ever pay any type of price for his actions towards me. But I hope one day I truly won't care.

[Rise]

1. Do our exes ever "get theirs"? Several wonderful members on this site have convinced me that my ex is putting on a good front via Facebook and pretending that he is the happiest guy on the planet. I'm fine with that. I understand. But do they ever "get theirs" from treating folks so poorly? I admit - a part of me wants to see my ex crash and burn. But he seems to skate along unscathed by any of his rotten deeds.

2.  Why do our exes continue to keep tabs on us if they have zero intention of contacting us? Mine does this on a regular basis - yet never reaches out for contact. What do they get out of snooping?

Please share your thoughts with me! 

1. Of course they do. One of the biggest things I've come to understand about my ex is that she is more or less always in survival mode. She's basically spends her life jumping from one personal crisis to the next. She can't ever settle down and feel safe. She never fixes her problems, she just juggles them, and every bad decision she makes is just another ball being thrown into the mix. It builds and builds until she drops them all, and her life falls apart. And then instead of things getting better, she just starts the cycle up again. Imagine how miserable that has to feel to live like that. Besides, how awesome can your life be when you're unable to maintain lasting, meaningful relationships with others?

2. I suspect that it's probably similar as to why many of us do the same thing.

[Perfidy]

They already have gotten their's many times over. Where do you suppose their lack of sensitivity comes from? They know the nature of change because they change from moment to moment and wonder why you don't. I think the pros call it instability.

[SlyQQ]

They have already " got theres " before they ever met you A lot of it is acting out for years or lifetimes afterwards my ex tried to commit suicide a couple of times within 3 to 4 months of leaving me ( she had linked up with another guy poor sod who she wanted to marry an have a kid with heaven forfend b4 she even left me ) it only caused more pain for everyone involved

[downwhim]

This is why I am not on FB. People post and pretend a lot. It is ridiculous. No one has a perfect life and pictures can lie. Also,  my ex fiance BPD is in his late 50's so the disorder does not go away... .he is very sick and honestly would love to see me fail. He is full of revenge even though he cheated.

I hope somehow someday he gets to feel what he caused.

[Perdita]

He is full of revenge even though he cheated.

Same thing going on with mine right now.  Got caught cheating and is now out for revenge as if he is the injured party.

I hope somehow someday he gets to feel what he caused.

I am wishing the same for mine.  Sorry, but I guess I am not a big enough person to wish him well in life after all the pain he caused me repeatedly.

[Infern0]

I think they "got theirs" already.

These people have AWFUL lives.  Seriously. We spent a period of time in their lives and how bad did it suck?

They spend their whole lives there.

[Perdita]

I think they "got theirs" already.

These people have AWFUL lives.  Seriously. We spent a period of time in their lives and how bad did it suck?

They spend their whole lives there.

I think it is because many of us want them to "get theirs" because we have been badly burnt by them and they didn't show any remorse.  So while their lives might be hell, we don't actually see them getting burned.  Only those of us that stroll into their hell seem to get burnt to a crisp.

[lipstick]

Something else I've been wondering about lately. What happens when the BPD ex begins to lose his enablers due to illness / old age / death?  I've heard thru friends that my ex has been basically "living in the past" lately. He's been posting really old photos of himself as a child with long-dead relatives. Gushing on and on about them.

In his particular situation - the spouse is quite a bit older than him (now in her mid-sixties). She has the beginnings of a ":)owagers Hump" on her back (osteoporosis) and abuses alcohol daily. Had a tough bout with cancer when she was much younger. It left her neck rather deformed. His mother is in her mid-seventies and is a heavy drinker / smoker.

These two women are his "rocks", if you will. His biggest enablers. There really is no one else that he'll be able to turn to once his mom is gone, and if the spouse passes before he does.

I wonder how he'll handle those losses. He seems to be clinging very tightly to worn-out traditions, places, and relationships (his marriage) these days. Fear of being alone, perhaps?  Seeing his spouse aging faster than him?

Anyone have thoughts on this?

[Popcorn71]

He is full of revenge even though he cheated.

Same thing going on with mine right now.  Got caught cheating and is now out for revenge as if he is the injured party.

I hope somehow someday he gets to feel what he caused.

I am wishing the same for mine.  Sorry, but I guess I am not a big enough person to wish him well in life after all the pain he caused me repeatedly.

Same here!  Why do they do this?  I can't wish my ex well either.  He doesn't deserve it.

[Perdita]

Something else I've been wondering about lately. What happens when the BPD ex begins to lose his enablers due to illness / old age / death?  I've heard thru friends that my ex has been basically "living in the past" lately. He's been posting really old photos of himself as a child with long-dead relatives. Gushing on and on about them.

Lipstick, this is very interesting.  I don't know what happens when they lose their enablers, but this is a good question.  I would think they slowly fall apart?  If he is posting very old pics a lot then he could be trying to hold onto what is slipping away from him.