Do they ever "get theirs" and why snoop if not going to contact?

[Tim300]

In some ways I want my ex to "get hers".  However, I think I already gave that two her a couple times when I either broke up with her or she perceived that I was breaking up with, which put her through a world of trauma (according to her).  Who knows -- she seemed totally fine about discarding me in the end. 

Ultimately I'm not really sure what "getting hers" would entail.  I think "getting hers" will simply come in the form of getting older and losing her power over decent men.  My hope is that some of these BPD/NPD women will have their power largely eviscerated as they age out of the prime marriage market.     

[SSJ0603]

It's all about control and keeping options available.  You proved to be a person that could meet their needs so they need to keep you around in case things go sour elsewhere.  And you have to see this from their perspective, keeping tabs on you is their way of making you seem available or accessible should they need you, it doesn't matter if you are actually available.  Or that's my take, #notadoctor.

Geeze, that makes perfect sense. The way I view her right now, though, I have a hard time believing it, even though I know you're right. I've been told that she hasn't taken anything down on Facebook that has to do with us or me individually (I deactivated my acct). All the pictures, posts, etc. I thought that was bizarre, but I guess I don't now. I thought she would've hated me and been so angry at me for leaving her that she would have deleted everything! She hasn't tried to contact me in over a month, though, thankfully. I wonder if she's stalking me or keeping tabs on me somehow, otherwise?

[Xidion]

Speaking from experience first hand, researching BPD and recently dealing with an intense 1 week recycle. They ALWAYS "get theirs" and I will tell you why. \

Like many people here, wonder if their BPD ex is happy and wondering how they can post FB pics looking so happy etc.

well, my ex did the same in the 2 months we were apart. Posting pics with the replacement etc.

After 2 months, when she came over to my place, it was confirmed that this is all smoke and mirrors.

The first night she stayed at my apt, she was jolting in her sleep due to anxiety. She had started drinking a lot. Her life turned into a mess. I gave her stability.

She wasn't and isn't happy at all. Even right now, she is miserable. Their entire life is torment, anxiety, and drama. Trust me. I have just witnessed it. It's not much different from BPD to BPD, either. While they are different people, their disorder is the same and carries the same symptoms.

[Tim300]

Speaking from experience first hand, researching BPD and recently dealing with an intense 1 week recycle. They ALWAYS "get theirs" and I will tell you why. \

Like many people here, wonder if their BPD ex is happy and wondering how they can post FB pics looking so happy etc.

well, my ex did the same in the 2 months we were apart. Posting pics with the replacement etc.

After 2 months, when she came over to my place, it was confirmed that this is all smoke and mirrors.

The first night she stayed at my apt, she was jolting in her sleep due to anxiety. She had started drinking a lot. Her life turned into a mess. I gave her stability.

She wasn't and isn't happy at all. Even right now, she is miserable. Their entire life is torment, anxiety, and drama. Trust me. I have just witnessed it. It's not much different from BPD to BPD, either. While they are different people, their disorder is the same and carries the same symptoms.

I imagine that for some of them the anger and trauma from past relationships just builds and builds with each broken relationship, so their ability to maintain healthy relationships and trust just gets worse and worse.  Also, over time, for BPD women, I think their marks will get less and less desirable over time.  It's difficult to generalize, but perhaps each BPD really gives a serious go at engagement or marriage at least once, but then might be so traumatized by that experience that future relationships will be taken with a foot even further out the door. 

[JRT]

Mine BPD marriage/engagement scorecard was as follows:

-her sons father: never married or engaged. She split him before the child was born

-her marriage lasted 8 months to her 'best friend' of 10 years... .more victimology

-engaged to a 1 year relationship, long distance... .vicimized again, too controlling... .lasted less than a year

-engaged to me for a year... .disappearing act 3 months ago... .painting me black I am sure that she is again a victim at my hands

Mine might be unique but they definitely WANT to be engaged and then married but clearly cannot handle it.

[Tim300]

too controlling

Wow.  If I hear a date say an ex-fiance was "too controlling" I might immediately ask for the check.  It's like pwBPD want to live without compromises, rules, boundaries, etc. -- if any of this is encountered, it's "controlling."

 

[Xidion]

too controlling

Wow.  If I hear a date say an ex-fiance was "too controlling" I might immediately ask for the check.  It's like pwBPD want to live without compromises, rules, boundaries, etc. -- if any of this is encountered, it's "controlling."

 

Yeah... .this. Same story.  They want to do whatever they want.

[JRT]

well said!

[drummerboy]

This is a really good question because my ex had an entirely unhealthy relationship with her mom. Basically the mom still treated her like a needy little girl and my ex was in contact with her constantly wanting advice on every aspect of her life. Anything her mum said my ex would take as gospel. The mum has some serious issues herself IMO. I can't imagine how my ex will cope when her mom dies. My ex once said that "no one loves their mum like I do" of course she doesn't love her mum, she "needs" her mum. I once wrote about them that "they are entwined in a grotesque dance of neediness and addiction"

Something else I've been wondering about lately. What happens when the BPD ex begins to lose his enablers due to illness / old age / death?  I've heard thru friends that my ex has been basically "living in the past" lately. He's been posting really old photos of himself as a child with long-dead relatives. Gushing on and on about them.

In his particular situation - the spouse is quite a bit older than him (now in her mid-sixties). She has the beginnings of a ":)owagers Hump" on her back (osteoporosis) and abuses alcohol daily. Had a tough bout with cancer when she was much younger. It left her neck rather deformed. His mother is in her mid-seventies and is a heavy drinker / smoker.

These two women are his "rocks", if you will. His biggest enablers. There really is no one else that he'll be able to turn to once his mom is gone, and if the spouse passes before he does.

I wonder how he'll handle those losses. He seems to be clinging very tightly to worn-out traditions, places, and relationships (his marriage) these days. Fear of being alone, perhaps?  Seeing his spouse aging faster than him?

Anyone have thoughts on this?

[Tim300]

This is a really good question because my ex had an entirely unhealthy relationship with her mom. Basically the mom still treated her like a needy little girl and my ex was in contact with her constantly wanting advice on every aspect of her life. Anything her mum said my ex would take as gospel. The mum has some serious issues herself IMO. I can't imagine how my ex will cope when her mom dies. My ex once said that "no one loves their mum like I do" of course she doesn't love her mum, she "needs" her mum. I once wrote about them that "they are entwined in a grotesque dance of neediness and addiction"

Same exact situation with my ex and her mom.  I'm almost certain her mom has BPD too.  Ultimately the mom will drive you out b/c she wants her daughter all to herself (b/c nobody else will tolerate the mom).

[ShadowIntheNight]

This is a really good question because my ex had an entirely unhealthy relationship with her mom. Basically the mom still treated her like a needy little girl and my ex was in contact with her constantly wanting advice on every aspect of her life. Anything her mum said my ex would take as gospel. The mum has some serious issues herself IMO. I can't imagine how my ex will cope when her mom dies. My ex once said that "no one loves their mum like I do" of course she doesn't love her mum, she "needs" her mum. I once wrote about them that "they are entwined in a grotesque dance of neediness and addiction"

Same exact situation with my ex and her mom.  I'm almost certain her mom has BPD too.  Ultimately the mom will drive you out b/c she wants her daughter all to herself (b/c nobody else will tolerate the mom).

I don't know if it's exact, but certainly my exBPDgf's mother rendered some control over her. My ex is 46. We were together 9.5 yrs. I feel sure the reason we aren't together today (it's been 5 months now) was that her mother asked her if she & I were in a lesbian relationship. And I'm pretty sure my ex sold me down the river and said I was "chasing" her. I'm just guessing because when I asked her what she told her mom, she mumbled something and walked away. The devaluing started after that. Unfortunately since I had no idea what was happening, I thought it was stress from a court battle.

Interestingly, the first 6 yrs we were together, we had no serious issues. Even her behavior was extremely normal. My ex is of Hispanic descent, but only culturally lives that way around her mother and her siblings. She has a masters degree and is the first in her family to have a college education. But she started saying late in our relat that she couldn't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay. Her mother buys my uBPDexgf clothes that her mother wants her to wear, and they are always tight dresses or too short shorts. My ex never dressed like that until her mom started sending her them. And what daughter lets their mother buy their wardrobe for them at 46 anyway? Same thing with shoes, uncomfortable high heels, etc.

Her mom is in her late 60s, has been married and divorced 3 times and tells her daughter after a 2.5 yr custody battle with her exH that she needs to find a man to take care of her. My ex has known (or rather was afraid considering the environment she was in) she was gay since she was a teen. And she also has a professional career. Her mom just flung her back in the closet because of her own fears. And shamed (or ignored) my ex when she told her about childhood abuse at the hand of one of her mother's siblings.

Her mom and I knew one another. I feel sure it bothered her that I had "too much" influence over her daughter. I suspect that my ex will grow tired of her mom's interference at some point. Afterall, there is only so much criticism on can take from their parent until you have to lash out or leave them.

[Ripped Heart]

I've been to see mine tonight and I can tell just by the look on her face, she is in living hell right now and has been since the r/s ended last week. She made a rash judgement based on how she was feeling at that time (in an effort to punish me for something I hadn't done) and realises the impact of her judgement. For her now it's a living torment and I've had 3 nights of phone calls where I've heard her cry like I've never her her cry before. She has talked about the intense pain in her chest that is so bad she really wishes she was dead.

Regardless of whether she jumps to a new r/s that pain will remain and follow her everywhere she goes. She can't control it because she doesn't have the capacity to deal or understand what is causing that pain, it's too painful for her to even look inwards. Yes, she could mask it for a month maybe 3 months but then it will be there again.

As for letting go, they can't do that. To them it's death so they need to make sure you are still around to feel that attachment.

When my marriage ended with exN/BPDw, I went NC immediately and blocked her from everything. She immediately befriended my exgf because she had to keep an attachment. I've got a great relationship with exgf as she is the mother of my eldest daughter and there is enough respect there that she doesn't tell exN/BPDw anything about me and I don't ask about her either. She does tell me that exN/BPDw asks from time to time about me but she gives nothing away. She refuses to be the middleman in anything which greatly annoys exN/BPDw.

[JRT]

I've been to see mine tonight and I can tell just by the look on her face, she is in living hell right now and has been since the r/s ended last week. She made a rash judgement based on how she was feeling at that time (in an effort to punish me for something I hadn't done) and realises the impact of her judgement. For her now it's a living torment and I've had 3 nights of phone calls where I've heard her cry like I've never her her cry before. She has talked about the intense pain in her chest that is so bad she really wishes she was dead.

Regardless of whether she jumps to a new r/s that pain will remain and follow her everywhere she goes. She can't control it because she doesn't have the capacity to deal or understand what is causing that pain, it's too painful for her to even look inwards. Yes, she could mask it for a month maybe 3 months but then it will be there again.

As for letting go, they can't do that. To them it's death so they need to make sure you are still around to feel that attachment.

When my marriage ended with exN/BPDw, I went NC immediately and blocked her from everything. She immediately befriended my exgf because she had to keep an attachment. I've got a great relationship with exgf as she is the mother of my eldest daughter and there is enough respect there that she doesn't tell exN/BPDw anything about me and I don't ask about her either. She does tell me that exN/BPDw asks from time to time about me but she gives nothing away. She refuses to be the middleman in anything which greatly annoys exN/BPDw.

RH

You really hit on something for me. Mine did a disappearing act a few months ago and I have not heard from her. Along the way, she blocked me from every imaginable way to contact her. Included in the scorched earth campaign was to unfriend all of my friends on FB and (successfully) compel her friends to do the same. However, she remained friends with the wife of my best buddy for some reason. His wife, is crazy in her own rite, ended up not talking to me and actually taking the side of my ex and will no longer speak to me (this is like frigging Peyton Place!). Did she do this as your ex befriended your acquaintance as a lifeline back to you? Do you know if this is a standard BPD thing?

[Ripped Heart]

RH

You really hit on something for me. Mine did a disappearing act a few months ago and I have not heard from her. Along the way, she blocked me from every imaginable way to contact her. Included in the scorched earth campaign was to unfriend all of my friends on FB and (successfully) compel her friends to do the same. However, she remained friends with the wife of my best buddy for some reason. His wife, is crazy in her own rite, ended up not talking to me and actually taking the side of my ex and will no longer speak to me (this is like frigging Peyton Place!). Did she do this as your ex befriended your acquaintance as a lifeline back to you? Do you know if this is a standard BPD thing?

I think she did, because I've mentioned on other posts about my exN/BPDw resurfacing now with another FB profile (now blocked too  ) New LinkedIn page (also blocked) as I had a strange feeling she was gearing up to re-engage. My exgf, has had a very difficult year, her mother had a stroke, lost her father in October, brother tired to commit suicide, lost her uncle a month after her father and was on the verge of a breakdown at work. Given all of that, she's had no time for exN/BPDw so that line was severed for a short time and suddenly she starts reappearing.

I know with exBPDgf, that I went NC after New Years Eve (lasted 3 days before I got the suicide threat emails) and I think what tipped her over the edge is that my d14 also blocked her on FB given what she did to me, so she lost that link to me and was desperate to get it back.

There are similar stories on the site about exes that still keep a connection going to the family so I'm not entirely sure if it's a standard BPD thing but there seems to be more of it than not so may very well be.

[JRT]

I have been curious about this very thing. The prevailing wisdom is that non's are nothing more than objects that are used and discarded with little if any emotional fanfare. Either thats not true or its just more complicated than that. Do they keep us around just as I keep around a second 3/4" socket wrench (that I never use) just to have it at their disposal and use? Or is these, in fact, real emotional attachment (or a murky mix of the two depending on the individual)?

[Tim300]

I have been curious about this very thing. The prevailing wisdom is that non's are nothing more than objects that are used and discarded with little if any emotional fanfare. Either thats not true or its just more complicated than that. Do they keep us around just as I keep around a second 3/4" socket wrench (that I never use) just to have it at their disposal and use? Or is these, in fact, real emotional attachment (or a murky mix of the two depending on the individual)?

I think it's more complicated than that.  Their opinions fluctuate so much.  At the very least I'm sure they still want to feel some power over you.  In any event, I don't care whether mine hates me, "loves" me, or is indifferent towards me -- I just want her to keep her distance and not hurt me in any way.

[borderdude]

You may think i am crazy... .but me and an older womeni know, we made a relationship in facebook just for the fun of it, the rs lasted less than a week. I after discovered my BPDex had almost mirrored her own rs with some poor dude, and the dates for initiating and ending was almost the same .


Yes it sounds out of the fog, but fits with the other strange behaviour of her... .

[Deeno02]

I'm not giving her  chance to follow me. She's blocked on every thing that can be blocked

[Perfidy]

Don't chase. Let go.