When enablers put pressure on you

[sisterofbpd]

So I believe that my BPD/Schizoaffective sis is on the verge of another nervous breakdown.  She has been refusing to accept that she has more than anxiety and agoraphobia and has had at least 4 mental hygiene arrests that I know of.  She cut off me and my entire FOO when we urged her to accept the professional help she desperately needs (that was about 5 years ago) and still adamantly denies to get treatment (follow doctors orders by taking the meds she needs to take, etc.) and anyone who suggest that she needs to do this is automatically evil.  My stance is, the only help I will offer her is to help her find intense treatment she needs, that is all, nothing else.  

My Aunt and Uncle, whom for some reason BPDsis continues to contact because she refuses to speak to our FOO because we want her to get the help she needs.  She calls my Aunt to complain about us, to talk with her about her intense paranoia about her life being in danger, more smearing of us and now for rides.  Last week my Dad called me all upset because my Uncle yelled at him, apparently BPDsis made soup for one of my cousin's that is sick but wanted my Aunt to pick it up and deliver it for her.  He said that BPDsis is on the verge of a nervous breakdown (which I don't doubt) and insinuated that we are not doing enough for her.  Is it wrong that I have this stance that the only help I will give her is to get her treatment?  I don't think it is, but what if she dies because she refuses to do so?  I also found out that my Aunt and my Mother (whom she told to take a dirt nap a month ago) both sent her $100 at Christmas.  Is it wrong that I see this as enabling?  I've heard that in order for someone to seek help they have to hit rock bottom, and sometimes that includes losing everything (which I don't really wish on her, but I do want her to get help, like in-patient long-term help).

Another part of me is like, can't my Aunt & Uncle just say no?  It's like they want all of us to enable her so they don't have to be bothered with her.  Which to a point I also understand, but I'm not going to enable her.  I think the fewer people she has telling her that everything is ok and you don't need to make any changes at all, the less likely she is going to be to get help.  I hate dealing with this.  

[Kwamina]

Hi sisterofBPD,

My stance is, the only help I will offer her is to help her find intense treatment she needs, that is all, nothing else.  

I understand your stance considering all the other posts of you I've read. It's her life and she needs to take responsibility for it. If she doesn't want to acknowledge her issues and isn't willing to seek help, there's probably not very much else you can do.

Another part of me is like, can't my Aunt & Uncle just say no?  It's like they want all of us to enable her so they don't have to be bothered with her.  Which to a point I also understand, but I'm not going to enable her.  I think the fewer people she has telling her that everything is ok and you don't need to make any changes at all, the less likely she is going to be to get help.  I hate dealing with this.  

It could be that your aunt and uncle are getting overwhelmed because they aren't used to dealing with someone with BPD. How was the relationship between them and your sister before she refused to speak to her FOO? Were they close?

Part of the problem might also be that your aunt and uncle don't know the entire story and/or only know your sister's side of the story. People with BPD are often very good at putting on a 'mask' with other people to prevent them from seeing how abusive they've been to in this case their FOO. Another thing that comes to mind is that some people with BPD can be quite manipulative at times. Do you think that a 'mask' and/or manipulative behavior could be part of the reason why your aunt and uncle act the way they do?

[sisterofbpd]

Hi Kwamina,

It could be that your aunt and uncle are getting overwhelmed because they aren't used to dealing with someone with BPD. How was the relationship between them and your sister before she refused to speak to her FOO? Were they close?

I'm sure they are getting overwhelmed and I can totally see that! BPDsis always idolized their family.  My parents were kind of hands off with us growing up, almost neglectful.  My Aunt & Uncle were kind of seen as "the cool parents" as she grew into a teenager, she would get high with them at family picnics and they would act as though this was the coolest thing ever.  Not blaming them for everything, but I certainly think this is were she got her "drugs are ok" mentality. I'm sure that some people can get high on an occasional basis and be able to leave it there, my sister cannot, and she looks up to them.  I know even within the past 2 years my Aunts were calling BPDsis to get weed from her friend.

Part of the problem might also be that your aunt and uncle don't know the entire story and/or only know your sister's side of the story. People with BPD are often very good at putting on a 'mask' with other people to prevent them from seeing how abusive they've been to in this case their FOO. Another thing that comes to mind is that some people with BPD can be quite manipulative at times. Do you think that a 'mask' and/or manipulative behavior could be part of the reason why your aunt and uncle act the way they do?

Oh, I am sure that this is a big part of it.  BPDsis always put a mask on for them.  She wanted to be included in their cool club, and always looked down on me because I feel getting stoned at family picnics is not normal/acceptable. I do think that for years now, it is impossible for her to hide the serious issues that she has from them, but it's like they still want to be the "cool parents" and can't handle offering an ultimatum, either you get help or we don't speak.  It's like they want to go back to the way it was, they would occasionally get stoned with her, while she talks trash about her FOO and then comes back to us to abuse.  She doesn't have that option anymore and they are having to deal with it, even though they could just tell her, no, you need help.

   

[clljhns]

Hi sisterofBPD,

, she would get high with them at family picnics and they would act as though this was the coolest thing ever. 

When  I read this, what struck me is that your aunt and uncle don't have healthy boundaries. Is it possible that because they felt it acceptable to engage a minor in an inappropriate behavior, that they do not have  a firm grasp on what is appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship?

If this is the case, then your sister won't receive the appropriate support and help she needs through them. I am curious as to why they would allow her to talk badly about her FOO. It sounds as if they may all be enmeshed with each other and don't have healthy boundaries.

The unfortunate fact here is that you can't make them learn new appropriate behaviors. They have to decide what is appropriate and what is not. Of course, my favorite teacher is natural consequences to our actions. They may just enable her into a situation in which they become the target.

Wishing you all the best! 

[sisterofbpd]

When  I read this, what struck me is that your aunt and uncle don't have healthy boundaries. Is it possible that because they felt it acceptable to engage a minor in an inappropriate behavior, that they do not have  a firm grasp on what is appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship?

I can certainly agree with this when it comes to "partying".  It's funny cause I'm sure the image in most people's mind when they read this are possibly toothless adults with meth face.  My Aunt and Uncle are actually pretty well off and going into their home is much like going into Martha Stewart's place .  They just both REALLY embraced the 70's to the point where they feel getting high on occasion is ok, I don't completely agree with this, but to each their own.  However, no, I don't think they have a firm grasp on appropriate relationships with their nieces and nephews.  I mean, I believe my sister was between 16-18 before they got stoned with her (and it's actually primarily my Aunts, my Uncle just backs them up). I know when my parents found out that they got high with her they were understandably upset.  My sister is 8 years older than me so I kinda watched all this go down from a distance, feeling as though it were wrong.  I pretty much distanced myself from them in my adult life, the last straw for me is when I went to a picnic at their house and had my DD who at the time was only a year old on my hip and my older cousin had a bowl in her hand and goes "You don't mind sisterofBPD, do you?" before I had a chance to answer she lit up right in front of me and my daughter.  I left the party immediately. 

If this is the case, then your sister won't receive the appropriate support and help she needs through them. I am curious as to why they would allow her to talk badly about her FOO. It sounds as if they may all be enmeshed with each other and don't have healthy boundaries.

That is a very good question.  Because my Aunts and Uncle feel they are the "cool" ones, they make themselves feel great by gossiping about people.  Their one daughter gets all into this as well.  The more they talk crap about people, the better they feel.  I'm sure BPDsis's smear campaign was highly entertaining to them until she started making them feel uncomfortable with her erratic behavior.

The unfortunate fact here is that you can't make them learn new appropriate behaviors. They have to decide what is appropriate and what is not. Of course, my favorite teacher is natural consequences to our actions. They may just enable her into a situation in which they become the target.

Is it bad that I hope they end up becoming the target?  Not that I wish any harm on anyone, only because I want them to finally experience first hand the reason why I am NC and to stop judging me, my parents and my brother.  I would also love for them to take things into their own hands and try to get her to get help since they think that is in easy task.  They'll never know unless they walk a mile in our shoes.

Wishing you all the best!  Empathy

Thank you!