Hi there, I have mum with BPD

[Alfie the dog]

I'm 42 years old female, and I have a mother 70 with BPD. Mum is not well at the moment. we live in different countries (three girls, two in overseas, one lives in Japan near mum ... .She suffers from chronic dippression) I would love my mum to be happy... .I would love her to have a real connection/relationship with another human. I Want her to experience how wonderful to trust a person.

All my life, I have had difficulty connecting, trustingand understand another human,but I overcame the now. I'm thinking, it is just really sad, if mum dies without knowing how wonderful her life can be if she can trust her family, daughters, neighbours and friends ( not really real friends, but if mum could genuinely trust them they can be good friends to her).

All the manipulation, distrust, must be so exhausting. And we are exhausted. How can I ( we - with my sisters) help her? Hoping to find some wisdom here.

[Kwamina]

Hi Alfie

Welcome to bpdfamily  BPD is a difficult disorder to deal with and having a mother with BPD isn't easy. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself so I can relate to you. Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD? You also mention you suffers from chronic depression, is she being treated for this and/or has she been in the past?

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives. I am happy that you've been able to overcome some of the difficulties you were experiencing.

What would you say are the most problematic or troubling behaviors of your mother? Therapy has been proven to be effective for certain people with BPD, but for that to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges her/his issues and is committed to working on them. Do you feel like your mother has in anyway ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? Has she ever indicated any willingness to seek help?

You (unfortunately) can't make people change if they don't want to but what you can do is work on yourself. By changing your own behavior, you can change the dynamics of the relationship with your mother regardless of whether she changes or not. I suggest you start by taking a look at the resources we have to the right of this message board.

[Alfie the dog]

Thank you Keating  

My mum is not officially diagnosed. She has been seeing Dr for dippression and she is taking medications. She has no idea about BPD. But my sisters and I are pretty confident she has BPD for long long time.

I no longer have dippression, but my sister who lives close to mum in Japan has chronic depression. There is no effective help available for BPD sufferers and their families in Japan.

I also believe I cant change others,but to change my own behaviour will help mum. Hopefully I'll learn and educate myself here how to change myself, so we can have better relationship.

I'm so glad to find this site

[Turkish]

I also believe I cant change others,but to change my own behaviour will help mum. Hopefully I'll learn and educate myself here how to change myself, so we can have better relationship.

Hello Alfie,

This is key. My therapist told me a year ago that even with therapy, personalities typically don't change. Therefore, it's up to us to change how we interact with our pwBPD, though we are under NO obligation to change our personalities. They are who they are, and we are who we are. Altering how we interact, however, doesn't change who we are. If anything, it makes us better. Better to be able to establish boundaries and respect ourselves, I think...

[Kwamina]

Altering how we interact, however, doesn't change who we are. If anything, it makes us better. Better to be able to establish boundaries and respect ourselves, I think...

I think you're right! I do feel better

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Alfie the dog

It sure sounds like you are sad for the things your mum has missed out on. That's good and kind to think that way. We want what's best for our parents and can feel as though they have missed out when maybe they don't seem to get positive value from their life experiences.

You mentioned something about distrust and manipulation - are those some things you or your sister has experienced with your mum?

you also said you and your sister are fairly confident she has BPD - were there some particular symptoms that led you to this conclusion?

And yes, as you and the other posters say, we can't change people but we can always hope for the best and try to be as happy as we can even if they are struggling. Unfortunately even we can't cure our parents of their pains but it still hurts sometimes doesn't it?

I hope you will tell us a bit more detail so we can help you find some of that wisdom you seek and support you through your journey!

Ziggiddy