Where do fall on your BPD spouses priority list?

[bobcat2014]

I dont feel very high on my spouses priority list. Kids, extended family, co workers and especially FB cronies all rank higher. I am ok with the kids, dont get me wrong here, but when needing your own time and needs fulfilled, do you feel like you matter? At times, I do. When I am being showed off or contributing to her overall appeal.

If you were to place a numerical value on where your spouse puts you, where would it be? Me, a 4 behind the aforementioned list.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and replies to my questions.

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[new2pain]

bobcat,

In the last few months I felt like I ranked behind her job, her extened family(parents/sister) and her friends which she kept me compartmentalized from.  We have had discussions about her fealing like she could treat me this way since I would still be there, to the same discussion but that I was wrong and I was her #1 priority. I think it depended on her needs at the time.

[bobcat2014]

New2,

Thanks for the reply. At least you have made it a topic worth discussing, thats a great start.

[believer55]

My uBPDh prorities change all the time. He does tend to put me and the kids first - but I have to constantly acknowledge how unselfish and generous he is ! Of course when he dysregulates there is only 1 priority and that is him and then I am trash. I had escaped from a bad marriage years ago and told myself it was time that someone looked after me... .think I may have got that wrong as I am definitely the caretaker again. I don't think we can ever expect to be high on the list - we need to accept this is who they are.

[new2pain]

I think i have accepted where I am on the list and with the exception of the drinking drama friend im good with it

[Cole]

Bobcat, We touched on this before, I have to agree it is hard to be put at the bottom of their list when they expect to be at the top of ours.

I am currently on the top of hers, who knows how long that will last. All summer I- and the kids- were way down their below FB friends and people from high school she had reconnected with after 20+ years.

[bobcat2014]

Bobcat, We touched on this before, I have to agree it is hard to be put at the bottom of their list when they expect to be at the top of ours.

I am currently on the top of hers, who knows how long that will last. All summer I- and the kids- were way down their below FB friends and people from high school she had reconnected with after 20+ years.

Cole,

Our conversation prompted this question.

So many stories on here follow the same theme. I guess I want to believe my wife isnt BPD

[Cole]

I guess I want to believe my wife isnt BPD

I have to believe mine is. Otherwise, there is no excuse for the behavior.

[Cat Familiar]

He says I'm number one on the list, but I think alcohol is actually the most important priority.

[MaroonLiquid]

     I'm either first or non-existent.  The funny thing is, the last two months when she isn't dysregulated, she has me in a grey area, first and non-existent on Facebook.  She actually admitted to me that she can't friend me on Facebook and show us as married right now because she doesn't want to have to explain to them why they think she is going "one way" (lies and divorce talk) and she is actually going another (wanting to get counseling).  

     Keeping up the lies/charades to people that wouldn't pour water on her if she were on fire is WAY more important than her husband who is actually there for her.  Makes complete sense to me.  Lucy will have some 'splaining to do at some point and that is hers to deal with.  

[Mie]

He says I'm number one on the list, but I think alcohol is actually the most important priority.

Same here, I'm afraid.

For the rest, he seems to have difficulties setting priorities, for example what bills have to be paid first: bills sent by important people like guy who is also working for the ex president is more important than electricity bill. 

[vortex of confusion]

So many stories on here follow the same theme. I guess I want to believe my wife isnt BPD

I know that feeling. If my spouse isn't BPD, then maybe there is hope for change. Whether or not he has BPD has become irrelevant as he hasn't really changed much in 16.5 years. Well, he has changed but the change has been for him to become even more self centered and checked out.

As to the question about where I fit on his priority list, I would say that I am probably way down on the list even though he says that he is trying to make me more of a priority. I don't see it at all. His life revolves around his computer games and his recover/12 step program. I feel like a real jerk at times because I am starting to resent his recovery program because it is just one more thing that tells him everything is about him and that he has to focus on himself. Him, him, him! It feels like that is all I hear.

[Crumbling]

   Good question!

Honestly, I don't know if mine even has a priority list?  Oh, wait, I know, his list would read: me, myself, I, everything else.  

[Crumbling]

I have to believe mine is. Otherwise, there is no excuse for the behavior.

I'm with Cole here.  I have to believe it.  It works for us, because it gives us a common ground, or like maybe a template, to face issues together.  But it's hard.  And never ending.  That's probably why T helps so much.  But at least, this way, there's hope.

[Grey Kitty]

My friend and supporter asked me today what my wife has done for me or put into our marriage in the last year.

I was struggling to come up with a good answer. She actually said something like "You are the only one in your marriage."

Well... .she did decide to stop running from place to place and unpack, which I had pointed out was critical for her own mental health. (I was thinking that until she did it, she couldn't even pretend to make our marriage work). But that isn't really for me, is it?

She did pick a place 45 minutes from where I am, so we can do marriage counseling together.

And she's planning to fly to another state for a few days to be there for a friend who is having back surgery, and drive his vehicle back for him. Before she's been there a week. I sortaa blew up at her that she was making this more of a priority than saving our marriage.

I made the mistake of asking which of us should find a couples T; of course she said I should... .A couple days ago, I admitted that I just didn't have it in me to be calling them given how crappy and unmotivated I was feeling.

She did actually find one she wants to see. Might call and try to get an appointment.

I'm trying to keep myself from flipping my own switch and deciding that she's changed and dedicated herself to our marriage for the first little bit of effort she's making... .at which point I will start letting her run everything again.