Understanding what's mine to deal with

[matilda17]

Hi everyone --

First time posting here.

Like some others here whose posts I've read, I've also perused the OOTF boards and other sites before finding my way to this one.

It fairly recently became clear to me, after many, many years of personal struggles and mystifying feelings that something wasn't quite adding up for me, that my mom is almost certainly a BPD sufferer -- or at least has convincingly strong tendencies in that direction. A fairly lengthy stay at home over the holidays brought even more to light after I had followed a series of memories, intuitions and other clues down the proverbial rabbit hole for a good while before they took on a more intelligible form within the BPD-parent framework.

Correspondingly, my own difficulties, which have mostly taken the form of eating and achievement issues (as well as one important romantic relationship with someone who is undiagnosed but absolutely textbook BPD), also took on a new significant for me.

While this was a very important revelation/series of revelations and did grant me a good deal of comfort in some ways (i.e., a lot of puzzling aspects of my experience *finally* made more sense), it has also left me with a lot of questions and concerns. That's why I'm here tonight.

I'll make sure to read others' threads as well, and I am seeing a therapist, but I suppose what's sitting on me most heavily since I made these connections is getting a handle on how best to help myself. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think I have a PD myself, although I am a bit scared reading about how exposure to PD parents can pass certain qualities down to subsequent generations.

That said, I've been evaluated by several psychiatrists, and while I have had eating and depression, etc., struggles, I've never come way from those therapeutic relationships with anything (that I was aware of, anyway) like a PD diagnosis. I also get how living with PDs can give a non-PD "fleas," so to speak -- tendencies that are similar to those displayed by full-on PDs but in perhaps smaller doses and less indicative of core impairments and so on.

But still I wonder because I know I have been wounded by my mother to some extent, however unintentionally she may have done it, and I'm worried about my future for that reason. Particularly after my relationship with a BPD ex broke down (I ended it) two years ago, I was able to really understand how there are people out there with perception problems who can completely believe (or appear to) that they are the victim while causing serious distress to those close to them, and this led to my finally grasping what was up with mom during my adolescence especially.

I don't believe I have that kind of built-in blindness about how I am affecting others -- if anything, I tend to be overly responsible for others' feelings (codependent at times, yes) and prone to excessive guilt and self-criticism -- and I'm also not chronically entitled or arrogant or unable to empathize. I'd been puzzled, as had my father, for years about my mom's seemingly shallow level of feeling and what I'd call (without intending to be cruel, just descriptive) her "fortune cookie responses" to complex emotional discussions I'd attempt to have with her -- e.g., "life is hard" or "guess it wasn't meant to be," etc.

I suppose I'd tend more toward the neurotic side of things in that I am all too aware of myself acting (particularly while triggered) in ways I would prefer not to (overeating, etc.) and am able to reel myself in somewhat and be conscious of the other person in the situation when that applies. I've mostly been my own worst enemy, and when I've hurt others, it's typically been a side effect of that tendency, not out of a wish to negatively impact them in any way. I don't think I engage in "splitting" others, either, although I am sometimes brutally perfectionistic/black-vs.-white in how I treat myself.

Anyway, I know this isn't about getting cut-and-dry answers, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring and perhaps work my way into asking and figuring out more specific things I'd like to learn as I work on my healing. I'm grateful to everyone posting here and will take some time to read up on these boards!

[Turkish]

Hello.matilda17,

It sounds like if you had come here two years ago, you would have started on the Leaving Board. It took me many months after starting there to make my way here... .and then my mom told me that about 20 years ago, her T suggested that she might be BPD. Mind. Blown. The puzzle pieces fit on how I ended up with (chose to be with) my uBPDx.

Growing up with a BPD parent isn't a gurantee that we'll turn out BPD. We can, however, pick up unhealthy traits, certainly  

Despite my mom forcing me into therapy when I was 13, and my uBPDx "forcing" me into T as well, I don't have a PD. I have unhealthy rescuer traits, and I picked up some fleas from my mom (shutting down in the face of anger, e.g.), but I'm not mentally ill.

I hope you stay around, because you're in good company of people who understand and will support you  



Turkish

[matilda17]

Hi Turkish --

Thanks so much for your kind response. That's incredible about the parallels with your ex-relationship (I gather) and your mom -- my mother became a therapist and said at one point she thought her mom was BPD.

I got forced into therapy at 13-14, too, because I wasn't being "friendly" to her -- that was well into the time when she had begun criticizing me and calling names, etc. as I was becoming less of a dependent/enmeshed child and trying to assert my own independence and personality.

I know I have rescuer traits, compulsive ones, codependent ones, and I can shut down as well, usually in situations in which I fear success/failure (sometimes it's unclear which one!). I will continue to read the boards here and will do a follow-up with my therapist soon in which I can ask him more specific questions about BPD and his assessment of me after working together for 2 years now.

Again, thanks very much for your time and for the kind welcome -- it means a great deal! 

[Harri]

Hi Matilda and welcome!  I'm glad you found this place as it is a nice soft place to land.     I like the title of your post.  Such a great way to look at things and so applicable for a lot of us here.

I can relate to much of what you wrote about, specifically an undiagnosed BPDex (or at least one with many traits he could not see in himself) and to questioning your own behaviors and possible diagnosis.  I go back and forth between thinking I am BPD or that I 'just have' traits.  Either way, I was diagnosed with cPTSD so it is all sort of the same ball of stuff that needs to be addressed.  Oh and the eating... .yeah, the eating.   

I have read that there are a lot of therapists, who like your mother, are BPD, though i do not know how accurate that is.  Having a uBPD mother who is a therapist is a situation i assume was quite challenging.  I'm curious... .did you find that her position had an impact on how she interacted with you? 

Anyway, again, I am glad you are here and I look forward to interacting with you on the board.

[matilda17]

Hi Harri --

Thanks for your response!

I can relate to the cPTSD-vs.-BPD debate for sure. I think I identify more strongly with cPTSD for a couple reasons: first, I don't think I lose touch with reality when stressed in the ways I've seen happen with my mom and my ex. I also don't think I tend to project onto others -- with the exception of sometimes assuming they don't like me (which could have PTSD roots, I suppose, in that I did have the realistic expectation that my mom didn't "like" me in that she projected onto/scapegoated/micromanaged me).

Finally, I am not super-worried about abandonment as a general theme (I had been more so as a teen and 20-something, but I also didn't have very good relationship skills and have them now, which has lessened those fears considerably) and I don't tend to make frantic attempts to block people from leaving (I have played the rescuer, though, in semi-recent history). I have a pretty good radar for people -- I don't tend to see them as all-bad, all-good, etc. I tend to be quite empathetic.

Anyway, I'm listing those things because I'm still processing the whole "where does this leave me?" question after realizing what's been up with my mom, by all indications.

And yes, it was challenging to have a mom be a therapist, although she took that on as a midlife career, so I was mostly out of the house by the time she assumed that role. My dad and I used to privately wonder to each other how she could serve as a therapist when she had this tendency I've couched as a "fortune-cookie" style of responding to even in-depth and detailed discussions (from the other person) about emotions and relationships. There's something a bit ... .wooden about her response style in those situations, and she doesn't seem to get that more -- in the way of expressiveness, feedback, empathy, etc. -- is called for from her at those times.

In terms of her position having an impact on interactions with me -- no, not really. I would ask her from time to time about psychology-related questions, and she would give me pretty textbook responses, but those were mostly surface-level inquiries in the first place. She didn't go near the whole eating-issues thing in her practice, because it was "too hard" for her.

All in all, I know very little about her inner world, and attempts to draw her out aren't typically very fruitful. I don't impose that on her, but for a while, especially before I had more of an understanding of what (I think) is up with her, I would try to have adult conversations with her about these and many other subjects. Now I mostly stick with talking to my dad.

Thanks again for your warm welcome, and I look forward to learning more here from you and all the others!