My 1 year BPD Anniversary. I'm surviving, not yet thriving

[Moselle]

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary of discovering BPD. It coincides with my 15th wedding anniversary and the day I walked out. I said "That is the last time you ever hit me", and I have stuck to that. I also said, "I will only come back after massive change".

What I didn't know is that the massive changes would be in me, not her. but I am not yet thriving like I want to be

I am much wiser and very different. I have discovered much about me which was hidden from my view, in particular my role in the mess, and my childhood wounds. What I will and won't accept and the truth about this toxic relationship.

I have decided I want a healthy relationship for me and my children, and I invite my wife to be a part of that, fully aware that she might opt out, and that is her choice. But I get more and more determined over time to have a healthy home life, and the shared dynamic/disorder must be managed or go away.

My children are first they drive alot of my motivation to change!

I just rated my self on the victim, survivor, thriver matrix however, and I see how much I still have to do in order to thrive.

I'm still very much in the victim, survivor modes

Victim   Survivor   Thriver

Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the "good life."   Struggling for reasons & chance to heal   Gratitude for everything in life.

Low self esteem/shame/unworthy   Sees self as wounded & healing   Sees self as an overflowing miracle

Hyper vigilant   Using tools to learn to relax   Gratitude for new life

Alone   Seeking help   Oneness

Feels Selfish   Deserves to seek help   Proud of Healthy Self caring

Damaged   Naming what happened   Was wounded & now healing

Confusion & numbness   Learning to grieve, grieving past ungrieved trauma   Grieving at current losses

Overwhelmed by past   Naming & grieving what happened   Living in the present

Hopeless   Hopeful   Faith in self & life

Uses outer world to hide from self   Stays with emotional pain   Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights

Hides their story   Not afraid to tell their story to safe people.   Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP

Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged   Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self   Lives with an open heart for self & others

Often wounded by unsafe others   Learning how to protect self by share, check, share   Protects self from unsafe others

Places own needs last   Learning healthy needs (See Healing the Child Within & Gift to Myself)   Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others

Creates one drama after another   See patterns   Creates peace

Believes suffering is the human condition   Feeling some relief, knows they need to continue in recovery   Finds joy in peace

Serious all the time   Beginning to laugh   Seeing the humor in life

Uses inappropriate humor, including teasing   Feels associated painful feelings instead   Uses healthy humor

Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people   Increasing awareness of pain & dynamics   Healthy boundaries around toxic people, incl. relatives

Lives in the past   Aware of patterns   Lives in the Now

Angry at religion   Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality   Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding

Suspicious of therapists-- projects   Sees therapist as guide during projections   Sees reality as their projection & owns it.

Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right   Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others   Feels authentic & connected, Whole

":)epression"   Movement of feelings   Aliveness

[Crumbling]

Congrats, Moselle!  Pat on the back for you!  You've come a long way in a short time, and have really proven that there are gains in the struggle, no matter how much still lays ahead.

You've just taken a snapshot of where you are right now, one year in.  In time, you can look back and see where you were, compared to where you have come. 

Great idea!

 

[Moselle]

Thanks Crumbling.

Yes it is a snapshot.  I thought I was closer to thriving in general, but when it came down to the details the only one in the thriving column for me was the one understanding emotional pain.

I recognise how much I went through in 2014 including my Christmas finale and I've just put a cap on it. I'm not willing to sacrifice my life for this relationship. I want her to come on a journey to health, but if she wants to continue with the destruction she must move on.

How is yours going Crumbling? I saw your new year's resolutions on a different post. Well done! I'm in your corner.

[Crumbling]

It's a real grounder to know what your limit is, isn't it?  And so validating to know what you have control over.

It certainly is a process, that's for sure.  I've been all three and back again.  I was feeling very much a victim a month ago.  I had to do something to get myself started on recovery.  The goal setting was a good first step for me. I don't really feel any different yet, but I do have a plan as I plant my feet on the floor in the mornings.  I have something else to focus on.  That helps.

My previous boundaries, like yours, were very much a survival strategy, which helped at the time. But now, it's getting more complicated. 

You ever see the movie "Leaving Las Vegas"?  Nicolas Cage is on a quest to drink himself to death and meets a woman willing to be at his side through it all.  I sort of feel like that woman.  I have no right to dictate what he does, but yet have to watch him hurt his health day after day... .my mindset is shifting because of all this... .I just don't know to where. 

Although he is really trying to communicate better and control his hurtful impulses, he's also cycling back around to guilt and shame a lot, which is where the self destructive behaviours become more prominent.  And it doesn't make sense for me to threaten to leave while he has made such progress, when I never left when things were at their worse. 

I feel like there are new boundaries that need to be put in place, now that there's a different dynamic in the r/s.  I'm just not sure what they look like yet. 

Thanks for asking, and sorry to steal your thread. 

[Ziggiddy]

I dunno Moselle. i think you are being a bit hard on yourself. you have accomplished SO much in just one year!

Sure it's great to have a goal but you are undoing years of damage, growing a whole new perspective on life, reviewing and reframing memories, setting boundaries, healing, growing your kids, negotiating as much peace with your wife as she can agree to - phew. I'd say you have made monumental progress.

i would be wary of getting into a place where you are down on yourself for what you haven't achieved. like looking up the mountain instead of down. it can make the top seem unreachably high and undermine the confidence you deserve to have for what you HAVE achieved.

I think some hearty congratulations are in order

 

[Moselle]

Thanks Ziggiddy! that means so much. I'm not used to someone saying that kind of thing to me. I'm learning to be kind to myself

It's a bizarre journey. One I didn't ask for and a complete surprise.

I am grateful for:

- the knowledge I've gained

- the self awareness to know that I have played a co-dependent role in this

- The knowledge that it can, and will get better (one day )

- The wonderful people I've met here. Read Ziggiddy and co :-)

- The truth, and that I can teach my children that truth.

- Opportunities to grow personally from this.

[waverider]

Thanks for the victim/survivor/thriver comparison table.

Highlights to me how far I have come. Most of my responses now are either in the thriver column or not far from it.

I do look back and regret the years wasted in the victim & survivor mode.

[Moselle]

Here's the Web version for easy reference www.cbwhit.com/Victim-to-survivor.htm

Waverider,  that is an immense achievement whilst in a relationship with  pwBPD! What has been the key to it?

I have given her too much power over me in the past. Today as with many of my days, I chose to take that back.

[waverider]

Here's the Web version for easy reference www.cbwhit.com/Victim-to-survivor.htm

Waverider,  that is an immense achievement whilst in a relationship with  pwBPD! What has been the key to it?

I have given her too much power over me in the past. Today as with many of my days, I chose to take that back.

Prioritizing, and keeping me having a life near the top, even if all hell broke out as a consequence.

My partner is still low functioning BPD, with neediness and lack of personal effort being the main issue. I put a lot of the neediness issues on the back burner while I pushed hard for "my time and interest'. This was the give and take, that evened itself out and conflict just dissolved.

Now the conflict has been eliminated I can start working on her self belief in her ability to do things for herself. This is easier without conflict getting in the way. I call it the rehab part of recovery. The nasties have been removed now is time to rebuild, together.

In the meantime I refuse to waste anymore of my life hoping things will get better. I am making my life better and helping her to tag along on the journey

[Crumbling]

Thanks for the web connect on this table, Moselle.  I'm putting it in my bookmarks.  It's a template of what 'healthy' can feel/look like. 

It makes me feel like I'm on the right track, striving to thrive.

good intentions to you,

c.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm happy to say that I'm clearly out of the victim column. Reading the list, I can't remember feeling like I lived more than half-way there, even at my lowest point.

That I don't ever feel I got all the way down there is an incredible blessing. I can't say I deserved it, I earned it, or even identify how I avoided it.

Today I went through the list. About half of it I feel clearly in the Thriving column. The other half I feel like I'm somewhere between Surviving and Thriving.

[findingmyselfagain]

Today would nearly be 5 years from when we met for our first date. The relationship was short, ending abruptly just after our wedding shower. A lot like some of the stories on here. I struggled for a lot longer than I thought I would. Truthfully I wasn't really living life to the full, and I was very vulnerable to the feeling of falling in love and finding the One at the time. My view of romance is a lot more realistic now. I'm not as much into "romance" for the sake of romance as I used to be. I'm looking more for a mature relationship and someone who is reliable. Nobody's perfect, but I have my limits now. Moving forward is the first step and continuing to move forward at your pace is the best we can do. I'm in a much better place now. I don't know if you can ever just forget a relationship with a pwBPD, but it doesn't negatively impact my daily life. I'm mostly at peace.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm happy to say that I'm clearly out of the victim column. Reading the list, I can't remember feeling like I lived more than half-way there, even at my lowest point.

That I don't ever feel I got all the way down there is an incredible blessing. I can't say I deserved it, I earned it, or even identify how I avoided it.

About a week after writing this, I hit my moment of understanding.

I was thinking about my position in the Karpman drama triangle. I am soo a stating gate rescuer when I go there. Maybe that is why I could never go all the way down the path to being a victim!