Interpreting?

[FigureIt]

Last evening while home I had some wine while watching tv.  I don't do this regularly.  I was not rude, nasty, etc.  My uBPDbf chose to go to bed at 10:00 and I stayed up and then fell asleep on the sofa.  In which he woke me around 12:30 and I then went up to bed.

Now, this morning he is upset and irritated with me.  Won't tell me why?

Not sure what I did?

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[SlyQQ]

Because a you didnt go to bed when he did and b you fell asleep

[FigureIt]

Do I apologize for "not" doing anything wrong?  Or just let him be... .

There have been times he stays up and I go to bed.  Or he falls asleep, etc.

[SlyQQ]

Personally I would make a point of doing the same thing the next night if he tells you why he is upset adress it otherwise pretend it is something else an offer to fix it this might let you know what the actual problem is if it was not you going to bed late ( but ask yourself first if you really want to do this? )

[FigureIt]

Actually I will probably go to bed before him tonight.  Drank a bit too much wine.

Also, he does this kind of thing ALL the time.  Many times he goes out for 10-12hrs. drinking.  I have no idea where he is, who he's with... .and the comes home completely drunk.  Sometimes, even is nasty.

[Allmessedup]

Personally I would guess you triggered some abandonment issue by not going up to bed with him.  I would let it be if it were me unless he asked me directly.  I don't know your story as I am not on the boards that much, but my partner will usually settle herself down if I don't add to the mess by making it a big deal.  

It's hard when they are irritated and won't tell you why, and often it has nothing to do with what I think she is irritated about in the first place so I prefer not to add anything else if I can help it.

I would work on validating and be careful not to JADE.

There is nothing wrong with falling asleep on the couch, as you said your partner has done it a number of times himself, but the abandonment fears are very real and validation can go a long way in soothing that.  

Amu

[SlyQQ]

Sounds like you are a bit fed up with it all?

[FigureIt]

Sounds like you are a bit fed up with it all?

Yes, it is very exhausting... .  Emotionally draining!

I mean seriously he wants to criticize me about "drinking a bottle of wine" in my own home.  Not being nasty and/or obnoxious, not driving, etc.  When he does this to an extreme on a regular basis. 

For example a week ago he left home at noon and returned at 1am completely intoxicated.  I had no idea where he was.  Then on 2 days later has a gathering with his guy friends, drank for 11hrs. with shots, etc. 

[SlyQQ]

They are extreme hypocrits as illustrated by the going to bed you have to learn to live with it , or not!

[FigureIt]

I know!  I just don't have the means to leave now and or the energy to fight.  I have a D9 and my uBPDbf and I own our house together.  He has told me if we end it he "WILL NOT" leave the home.  He wants it and I will have to move. 

Wish I could win the lottery or had a wealthy relative!

[Crumbling]

My guy typically responses when I validate what he's feeling, even when he wont admit to the feelings himself:

"I get a sense that you're angry at me for something, or hurt in some way, and I'm left confused, because I didn't do anything out of the ordinary that would warrant it.  Was it just a knee-jerk reaction?  It's okay if it was, it would certainly make sense, if it was."  Just opening the scene for him to participate.  It seems to help keep emotions aired and out in the open.  We are all different tho, so, it's whatever language works for you.

Why is he upset?  Likely because you did something for yourself, that didn't involve him, that he had no say over, that made you happy.  He won't be able to tell you this, likely, but with pwBPD, it is all about them, remember!  Doing something for yourself, that doesn't involve them, that they have no say over, that makes us happy is NOT wrong!

I agree with not making things worse, for sure, and sometimes just saying nothing is the only thing to do.  But I wonder if it's the 'just let it go' mentality that adds to us feeling invalidated?  If so, how do we get around it?

[SlyQQ]

He has trapped you that is a bad place to be ( good for him though) you need to have a serious think 

[FigureIt]

I do feel invalidated by him A LOT!  Most of the time I just move on, but sometimes it hurts.  I have others in my life that validate me, but he says "he loves me!"  And again that love is only on "his terms... ."

Last week we were both off of work.  On that day he left at noon, I found out he met his kids for lunch.  Me and my D9 weren't invited, I found out inadvertently from his S17.  When I asked why I wasn't invited, his response was "No Reason."  Now if I had done that, wow would my BF be pissed off, hurt, etc. with me.

I guess I just need to say "Whatever" and move forward.

[maxsterling]

If i remember, my wife was once mad at me for not waking her up after she fell asleep on the sofa!   Its an abandonment fear thing.  It triggers an intese emotion and no amount of logic will solve it.   Id just let him be until he either calms on his own or tells you why he is mad.