Have you ever asked why they hate you?

[clydegriffith]

So in some of my ill-fated attempts to try to steer the BPDx into a logical thinking, during one of our many arguments, she said "i hate you and you hate me". Then i asked her why she hated me, and pointed out that it was she who was physically abusive, she who had me falsely arrested 4 times, and she who cheated on me with about a dozen guys (some of which were my friends). Her annymosity towards me seems to stem from the fact that i still hold all this against her. She expects me to be like her and just go about my businesses like nothing ever happened.

She went as far as accusing me of having BPD myself and being depressed, sending me some stupid quote about how depressed people "hold on to the past and don't forgive". This was no minor transgression that you just put in your rearview mirror and move on, the things that woman did to me will be with me forever.

[fromheeltoheal]

the things that woman did to me will be with me forever.

The memories will always be there, but the emotional energy will dissipate, especially as you shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  Plus, there's what happens and what you make it mean, two different things, and you can't change what happened but you can absolutely change what you make it mean, and you will as you detach, process and shift your perspective, much of which will happen automatically. 

As you start taking steps in the direction of the life of your dreams momentum will build, and one day you'll look back and notice how far you've come, and how far into the past she's faded.  Name one thing you're looking forward to in the future.

[schwing]

... .She expects me to be like her and just go about my businesses like nothing ever happened.

I believe this comment reveals a bit of insight into what goes on in the mind of someone with BPD.  My understanding of this disorder is that people with BPD (pwBPD) have actually suffered a significant abandonment/betrayal trauma in early development (sort of the cause of BPD) from which they have spent most of their lives in denial of, which is what impacts their everyday intimate and familial relationships.

In once sense, what pwBPD want to do is to "go about [their] business like nothing ever happened" or more specifically as if they never had their abandonment trauma.  But as we have daily proof, all their disordered behaviors stem from their inability or unwillingness to work through (and get pass) this abandonment/betrayal trauma. 

She went as far as accusing me of having BPD myself and being depressed, sending me some stupid quote about how depressed people "hold on to the past and don't forgive".

The "perfect" way to never get past your own issues is to live in the constant delusion that it is "always" everyone else's problem.

This was no minor transgression that you just put in your rearview mirror and move on, the things that woman did to me will be with me forever.

The things this woman has done to you will indeed be with you forever.  But you have the opportunity to work through this pain, this grief, this betrayal and eventually get past it.  You are far more aware of your pain and the cause of your pain, than she is of her own.  You will heal from this pain, while her life will continue to be unconsciously shaped by it (unless she endeavors to recover).

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Schwing.  Thank you for summarizing the issues so succinctly.  I appreciate!  LuckyJim

[Targeted]

My ex had many reasons, she said I never put her first, she said I was a habitual liar, she said I was a cheater, she said because she knows I will sleep with anybody, if you see the progression here in my case she was totally projecting! She had to hate me for her own actions in order to cope. I pointed out her cheating and lying and backed it all up with facts, concrete facts,  I then asked her who did I cheat on you with? At least give me a name, give me a series of text messages, show me my dating site profile, show me some pictures of me with this person?  Give me concrete evidence that I cheated!  She obviously could not do that because it never happened, same thing with the lying, so instead of giving me evidence of my wrong doings that she could not do she just went back to saying I am a cheater and she hates me because she knows I did.  Projection, projection, projection,   I think if you listen closely enough to their reasons for hating you you may find out something about them you did not know yet.

[mrclear]

Hi targeted,

They hate you because you have forced them to face what they hate most: themselves... .

strength and light, marclear

[Targeted]

Hi targeted,

They hate you because you have forced them to face what they hate most: themselves... .

strength and light, marclear

Yes, exactly!  She went through my phone and email accounts and had my passwords for everything including my online cell phone bill where she could go on at any point and time and see who I have been in contact with, I did not care because I never had anything to hide, she know I was giving her exactly what she wanted! A real relationship with somebody who truly loves her!  It is obvious to me that she hates herself for her own actions that destroyed having what she actually wanted,

[clydegriffith]

Hi targeted,

They hate you because you have forced them to face what they hate most: themselves... .

strength and light, marclear

Yes, exactly!  She went through my phone and email accounts and had my passwords for everything including my online cell phone bill where she could go on at any point and time and see who I have been in contact with, I did not care because I never had anything to hide, she know I was giving her exactly what she wanted! A real relationship with somebody who truly loves her!  It is obvious to me that she hates herself for her own actions that destroyed having what she actually wanted,

Same thing happened to me only she took things a bit too far (surprise surprise). She sent herself nasty emails from my account so it would seem like i was threatening her, etc, and used that to get me arrested (i don't recall which of the 4 arrests that was). She also went into my Sprint online account, changed my password and blocked me from sending and receiving text messages from anyone. It took me two days to figure out what she did as i was just thinking something was wrong with my phone.

[Targeted]

Clyde, sorry you went through that with the emails and I hope it was eventually proven that it was her, mine even had my debit card information, she could have bought things online or at stores that we regularly shopped at that knew us, my card information was stored into her Amazon account, A month before I left I went to the bank and got a new card with all new numbers, in the week before I left and I don't even know why I was thinking it at the time because I was in so much fog, I changed all of my passwords!  I guess I got lucky there!

[Trog]

Don't need to ask, her utter disregard for me was blatant and she didn't hold back on listing my shortcomings, no need to ask for more.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I asked my ex what did I do to make you hate me so much, to which she replied that she did'nt hate me... .When I went through the list of all the evil things she did and said to her you obviously don't like me very much, she just kept quiet and gave me the coldest stare ever.

An unforgettable moment... .

[clydegriffith]

I asked my ex what did I do to make you hate me so much, to which she replied that she did'nt hate me... .When I went through the list of all the evil things she did and said to her you obviously don't like me very much, she just kept quiet and gave me the coldest stare ever.

An unforgettable moment... .

Ha! Those rare moments when all the horrible things they've done are crystal clear to them, even for a brief second, are golden.

I once did the BPDx a favor and booked a hotel room under her name because she had no where else to go. I get my credit card statement a few days later and there's close to an extra $200 that was charged to my card which she most likely used for dinner and drinks with one of her guys. When i bought this to her attention she said "i would never do that to you" i laughed out loud and told her oh yes you would and that wouldn't even make the top 10 list of horrible things you've done to me. She just stopped and had this look on her face. I think for that brief second she understood.

[blissful_camper]

I once told my ex that I couldn't be the face for his hate anymore.  He said that he understood.  Not long ago, he got in touch and during the conversation he said "when we were enemies."  I was floored.  I said that I wasn't aware that we had been "enemies" and that I didn't view him or anyone as an "enemy."   That comment revealed how he viewed me.  Pretty extreme. 

[myself]

I asked her why she hated me when she said she loved me most of all.

In the end she knew I loved her but wanted/needed to know if I hated her.

I wish it would have just been one thing, but it was everything, and nothing.

[SlyQQ]

No they were quite forthcoming