Working things out

[Depression = 72% of members]

           Well,  Im seeing a therapist now and my last appointment went really well.  I have more or less acted as my own leader to stepping up to finding positive ways to cope with my mother and sister. It's so easy to allow people who have the tendency to be toxic drag you down into their state of mind. It's way too easy.

            We had an unfortunite occurrence this morning where an old horse of ours that was 31 years old died. I noticed she wasnt feeling well in the field so I thought I'd watch her and see if how she was in the morning. Well, my sister noticed her too and got all hyper until I took the initiative to bring her in the barn, and that was all right. It was a night of walking her in the freezing cold, after watching her, she acted like she had colic. So you get the picture.

           Sometimes I get soo tired because it looks like everything I say to my sister she comes back with some kind of comment to one up me.  Is this a  BPD trait?  I cant seem to have a conversation with her where I feel Im being validated for anything I know or have to offer. Plus the contradictions keep coming. At one point while being here she would go on and on about how it was a common thing to lose a horse here and how she more or less took part in the grueling process of burying the poor thing, like it was just old hat. There are rescue horses here and many are old and have problems. etc.  I think to my knowledge there have only been 2 in the last 10 too 15 years that have died.  Oh well.  Anyways,

    This sweet old dear was 31. Bless her heart! That's all I can say.  She died last night.  Ok. I found her. I was ready to deal with it, but my sister wasnt!  She all ready had it visualized that the whole stall would have to be torn down to get her out and on and on she went.  She didnt know what to do! who to call! Man!  when it comes down to it you really find out the truth.

                        "I" was the one who made some phone calls and got busy. I found the sweetest man who owns a septic tank business with the equipment and low and behold he had done this sort horse burying thing before. I did all the social work if you know what I mean, I mean being a good talker to make this happen. A local person who wasnt going to over charge us, a good man.  It wasnt easy. I surprised myself.   Do you think she thanked me or showed any kind of graditude for what I did?  As soon as this man got here she honed in on him as if she were the one who called him, and she was the one who had this instant repertoire  with him.   I was just left standing in the background as usual like I wasnt even there.  I hate to say this right now, but I am so sick of her presence. She can be so verbally over bearing,  I dont mean in tone, but what comes out of her mouth. She all ways has to one up me about what she thinks she knows, trying to show me what I dont know just so she can have some sort dominance over every situation that occurs here.   Its like shes competing with me when all I want is for her to get out my face. Its like she's trying to suck energy out of me. Its like pulling the rug out from someone and stealing  their power,  she wont give it! No,  she wont give it.          

So instead of remaining pissed off about this, which I am, do you think I need to work more on my own personal self esteem, to find ways to validate myself more to the point where what ever she says wont matter? Any suggestions?

[goingtostopthis]

           Well,  Im seeing a therapist now and my last appointment went really well.  I have more or less acted as my own leader to stepping up to finding positive ways to cope with my mother and sister. It's so easy to allow people who have the tendency to be toxic drag you down into their state of mind. It's way too easy.

            We had an unfortunite occurrence this morning where an old horse of ours that was 31 years old died. I noticed she wasnt feeling well in the field so I thought I'd watch her and see if how she was in the morning. Well, my sister noticed her too and got all hyper until I took the initiative to bring her in the barn, and that was all right. It was a night of walking her in the freezing cold, after watching her, she acted like she had colic. So you get the picture.

           Sometimes I get soo tired because it looks like everything I say to my sister she comes back with some kind of comment to one up me.  Is this a  BPD trait?  I cant seem to have a conversation with her where I feel Im being validated for anything I know or have to offer. Plus the contradictions keep coming. At one point while being here she would go on and on about how it was a common thing to lose a horse here and how she more or less took part in the grueling process of burying the poor thing, like it was just old hat. There are rescue horses here and many are old and have problems. etc.  I think to my knowledge there have only been 2 in the last 10 too 15 years that have died.  Oh well.  Anyways,

    This sweet old dear was 31. Bless her heart! That's all I can say.  She died last night.  Ok. I found her. I was ready to deal with it, but my sister wasnt!  She all ready had it visualized that the whole stall would have to be torn down to get her out and on and on she went.  She didnt know what to do! who to call! Man!  when it comes down to it you really find out the truth.

                        "I" was the one who made some phone calls and got busy. I found the sweetest man who owns a septic tank business with the equipment and low and behold he had done this sort horse burying thing before. I did all the social work if you know what I mean, I mean being a good talker to make this happen. A local person who wasnt going to over charge us, a good man.  It wasnt easy. I surprised myself.   Do you think she thanked me or showed any kind of graditude for what I did?  As soon as this man got here she honed in on him as if she were the one who called him, and she was the one who had this instant repertoire  with him.   I was just left standing in the background as usual like I wasnt even there.  I hate to say this right now, but I am so sick of her presence. She can be so verbally over bearing,  I dont mean in tone, but what comes out of her mouth. She all ways has to one up me about what she thinks she knows, trying to show me what I dont know just so she can have some sort dominance over every situation that occurs here.   Its like shes competing with me when all I want is for her to get out my face. Its like she's trying to suck energy out of me. Its like pulling the rug out from someone and stealing  their power,  she wont give it! No,  she wont give it.          

So instead of remaining pissed off about this, which I am, do you think I need to work more on my own personal self esteem, to find ways to validate myself more to the point where what ever she says wont matter? Any suggestions?

[Rapt Reader]

So instead of remaining pissed off about this, which I am, do you think I need to work more on my own personal self esteem, to find ways to validate myself more to the point where what ever she says wont matter? Any suggestions?

I do think that might be the key to finding some peace, goingtostopthis 

[Linda Maria]

Hi goingtostopthis!  Sorry to hear about the horse, and your sister's awful behaviour - again!  Of course, any work you do on personal self-esteem is likely to be helpful, but I do feel for you, - it must be so difficult when you have to have so much contact with your sister.  It's much easier to be stronger, and not let all the madness get to you when you're at more of a distance.  I imagine you're not in a situation yet where you can keep away from her more, from reading your previous posts.  So anything that takes you out of the situation, or proximity with her, distracts you from it, anything really that stops you ruminating on the situation would help.  Do you have anyone you can talk to in your community about things, or any kind of support network?  Or any longer term plans that you can think about and work towards to motivate you through this time when you're living so close to her?  You clearly did a very good and difficult job sorting out the situation with the horse, and you should be proud of that.  Don't let your sister's antics rob you of your pride in your own achievements.  Hang in there!

[Harri]

Hi GTS.  I am sorry to hear about your horse.  I think, as seems to be your norm, that you handled the crisis very capably.  It makes sense that you would be frustrated that your sister can not see that and does not really validate and thank you.

GTS, I think you are already on the path to building your own self-esteem and being able to self-validate so I would say keep doing what you have been doing.  One suggestion I do have is to try to take on an outsiders role when interacting with your mother and sister.  Watch and listen and then, like you have been, respond.  I know you have made a big effort in speaking up for yourself and it shows.  I am just wondering if rather than focusing on how your sister in particular is trying to steal your power and getting upset (in this example) with her for doing something she always does and getting upset because it is not fair, that telling yourself she is who she is and then continuing to respond in ways that make you feel good about you might help.  We can make ourselves crazy and inflict a lot of pain on our self by focusing on how unfair, or hurtful or whatever their behaviors are.  Changing our expectations when stuck, even temporarily, will help us focus on what is rather than what is right or fair. 

[goingtostopthis]

   Yes, GTS!   Thank you

           Im sorry to say that I might have to change my title here to:" Not making it work out".   Something happened today which has thrown me back several steps.  My sister started scolding me this morning because I turned the heater down low over night to save money and it just happened that last night was one of the coldest nights here during this time of the year.  I didnt realize it, I got the impression that he climate was much milder here then where I used to live, actually it is, but last night I was taken by surprise and so this morning the pipes froze. I was confronted by my sister and she was so mean to me.  I was able to walk away for a moment but I got so angry over the way she was talking to me that I turned back and went back into the room she was in and told her how I felt about how hard I was trying and how it was never enough and then I went on about her not thanking me about anything I do for her,never validating me, and then I included the horse episode as a big example.  I wasnt happy. I didnt yell at her, but I raised my voice and made it clear I was tired of being interupted by her and my mother and that she needed to hear me out. I know, it sounds like I was finally able to assert myself, but what came next really shook me up, literally.    

            Right after I brought up the horse thing with her not thanking me, something triggered her and she stood up and started walking towards me as she was yelling in my face pushing me to have to walk backwards until she grabbed my coats on two sides up close by my neck,  and started shaking me and she wouldnt let go. She pushed me into the door still hanging on looking like she wanted to kill me all the while telling me that "I was the problem there" She wouldnt let go and I panicked and said let go, let go, until I ended up saying Im calling the police.  It just came out of my mouth. I didnt mean to say it but she was scaring me. It ended with me telling her several times that she needed to get help.   I told my mother about it because I was in such shock! I went right over there and by the time I got in the door she was all ready on the phone talking to my sister. I guess she had to get to her before me to tell her story her way.  A way in which I all ways lose.  I told my mother what she did to me and my mom brushed it off saying something to the effect,  yes, I know she lost it,  and then went on scolding me about the frozen pipes as if it didnt matter at all that I was just assaulted by her! We have never had any violence at all in our family. What she did was cross the line. And my mother did nothing about it. Now Im really afraid of her, can you blame me?

          I kept on telling them that there is something wrong with the heater, its not blowing air through the vents like its suppose, several vents nothing comes out at all. It took all day for it to rise 10 degrees.  All day.  No,  this is just how the heater is, they say when you turn it down low IT HAS TO WORK HARDER and it all ways takes a long time to come up to the temp. you want.  Im think: perplexed  all day?,  1 temp. every 2 hours?  They have to be right no matter what I say because the frozen pipes have to be entirely my fault.   Am I wrong to come to this conclusion? Why wont they consider other factors going on as well?  I mean it. Can someone answer this for me?  

            It looks like what my sister did was a deal breaker for me. I cant deal this kind of behavior, no one could. Im going to try to set my sights towards possibly trying to find a place to rent with a little pasture and barn for my horses. I want to leave.  I want my own life again. Im not going to tell them. Im just going to start looking around I might get lucky. Staying here at this beautiful place just isnt worth all this misery.  Everytime I think it's over and going to get better, something happens and im right back in scorned drama ville again. She can go back to taking care of all the animals here like I was.   I dont care.  Ill never have her confidence or her friendship. Im waisting my time and knocking myself out for her.  Maybe Im still in shell shock. Ive been in shock over what she did all day. And my mother calls me up and wants to know if I want to come over for dinner like nothing happened at all. I had some words for her. I told her she doesnt care about my feelings or about me at all! She just wanted to brush it under rug and pretend.  I cant pretend.  I am so effected by this. It was a form of domestic violence was it not,  or does that not count if its in the family?        

                                                     

                   

[Linda Maria]

Hi goingtostopthis!  So so sorry about your sister's scary and threatening behaviour yesterday.  My sister once tried to attack me many years ago - fortunately I managed to close and lock a door between us before she could do real damage, but I was really scared so I completely understand.  Physical violence, or just the threat of it is a deal breaker for me, and would be for most people.  But you know - maybe this is your own personal "rock bottom" from which you can only go upwards.  I have always been very moved by your posts, because I so sympathise with the fact you are in such close proximity with your sis.  I know I could not cope if my sis was physically close - I only stopped getting really ill with worry when I started NC last year - but I was able to, to a large extent, due to not living close, and no longer having other FOO to drag me back in.  So I have to say I think you are absolutely right to now sort out about moving somewhere else.  It's only my opinion, but I just don't think things will suddenly get better, that your sis will suddenly stop this behaviour, or apologise, or anything at all, and I don't see how you can ever feel completely safe and have peace of mind if you don't get out of there.  It's a big thing I know - but when you do get away, and the dread of her turning up, being nasty, making a scene is gone from your life, you will feel so much better, more positive, you will find life much easier and nicer.  When you don't have to deal with this madness every day, you do stop focussing on it, and you do think about it less, and things just get easier.   I am getting near the end of the legal stuff with my uBPDsis now, and, unexpectedly, I feel quite different physically, I feel lighter, a lot of my stress aches and pains are going, I feel more like myself.  I hadn't realised just how much it had all affected me.  So awful as this experience was, if it's the one that forces you to make the change that gets you out of the current position, it may turn out to have been a good thing.  IMHO your sis won't change - and your Mum clearly isn't able to stand up for you, and is in a difficult position herself.  So - stay strong - start making enquiries and plans - this won't be for ever - I think you're taking the first step to a much happier life.  Look forward to reading more

[Edgewood]

Some years back, I was working under a misogynist jerk who was incensed that I held a position supervising men twice my age.  Frequently, I would vent to my husband, who was very insightful, about the behavior and statements of this man. Finally, my hubby said, "You think you can make him understand, don't you?"  I realized that, yes, I did believe that someday this man, who had played football under Woody Hayes and proudly proclaimed himself a chauvinist "product of the 50's," would see how capable women could be.  I truly thought that he would eventually realize that women employees were as valuable as men. 

My husband's statement help me see that I, not the chauvinist Personnel Director, was the source of my ongoing disappointment.  I needed to stop kidding myself into believing that I would ever change his perspective.

In that vein, I ask you, GTS:

You think they are going to appreciate and validate you someday, don't you?

[goingtostopthis]

Some years back, I was working under a misogynist jerk who was incensed that I held a position supervising men twice my age.  Frequently, I would vent to my husband, who was very insightful, about the behavior and statements of this man. Finally, my hubby said, "You think you can make him understand, don't you?"  I realized that, yes, I did believe that someday this man, who had played football under Woody Hayes and proudly proclaimed himself a chauvinist "product of the 50's," would see how capable women could be.  I truly thought that he would eventually realize that women employees were as valuable as men.  

My husband's statement help me see that I, not the chauvinist Personnel Director, was the source of my ongoing disappointment.  I needed to stop kidding myself into believing that I would ever change his perspective.

In that vein, I ask you, GTS:

You think they are going to appreciate and validate you someday, don't you?

[/quote

Wow!   Is that heavy Edgewood!  Shabang!    I dont know about GTS but I can say ya!  this has kind of been true with me. Now Im starting to wonder if our frozen pipes are happening in the well house and not in the actuall house.   Im mentioning this because if this were the case that would free me of thee initial blame in reference to the whole problem.  Then I would be exonerated and they would feel like fools for trying so hard at making ME the problem and then they would feel bad and have to apologize.  

                                         :)ream On!    I hear exactly what you are saying.  

I think my main attention should be on solving the problem with out them. I had a really good conversation with my brother who knows my mother and sister's ways all too well. He talked about the heating system here and things I can do ,which includes even calling a service man here with out them knowing. He agrees with me that something isnt right with it. It shouldnt be acting the way it is. Also they think its the pipes under the house with the problem, but its been warm enough for several hours outside, way above freezing and warm in the house with space heaters under the sinks going on for some time.  I think the water should be flowing by now, but its not.  

For me to dream on that someday they are both just going to magically start listening to me is stupid.  And you know its not so much that I demand their attention, no,  I would just like to have my opinion considered and given as much revalence as their own.  My mom pretended to call the heater man this morning. She said he was calling him to come by this morning, then ten minutes later she called back and said , "Oh I only had to describe the problem and he said , thats normal for an old house".  Oh  KAY!  that settles it!  I really think she made all that up and never called him at all.      So they dont have the money now. This must be it.  Why cant people just be honest!   Oh, Im dreaming again.      

I have to say Edgewood, that your question hit it on the mark. This is where all this unnecessary suffering comes from, and the grinding of the teeth.   Really what it says to me about my sister is that she is threatened by me. And she "is" competing with me over the dominionship of this farm. So she sets things up to make me look like Im not doing my share of chores here, by getting to them before I do when  it isnt even her job! .  What a race! Oh my God! Here she comes, clean out the cat boxes and mop the floor and then plop down in a recliner chair with a drink in my hand, right! when she walks through the door.  I ought to try that!    I think Im entitled to as many inside jokes as I can get here.      

  But seriously, realizing that someone isnt going to change can be one of the most liberating things to getting out of their snare and getting on with your own life.    Thanks for the insight. Im going to put a lot of thought to this now. ( :

[Edgewood]

It would be hysterical to sit and drink a vodka tonic while watching her scoop cat poop from the litterbox!  I am laughing so hard at the visual!     I want to see it!

By the way, it's YOU that I'm calling GTS (GoingToStop).  I think Harri did it first!

[goingtostopthis]

OK,  I understand now.   GTS, I like that much better.

                                     Well, my sister has got me so confused!  Honestly,  I dont think a good drink would do me any harm at all at this point. I think, yes,  I can stand there with one of those tropical glasses with an umbrella sticking out of it with teddy bear slippers on.   


                                    I dont know if I mentioned it, but I did some investigation around this house and I found the problem in the well house and the water pipes leading directly out of it. As soon as I lifted the lid and let some of the afternoon air in, the water pump started up on it's own and all of a sudden I heard this water spraying sound. Right next to it along side the house was this open space half covered allowing all the outside air in, and sure enough their was a pipe that had been badly fixed before with rotted tape all over it.  It was spraying out water so I turned the pump off.

I dont know, the plumber is coming on Monday,   but I dont think my turning down the thermastate had anything thing to do with the pipes freezing because these pipes were not under the house. They were under an un heated portion of a build on laundry room.  And the reason I turned down the heater at night was to save money from this un Godly bill they were blaming me completely for. Who cares!  if the heater is not acting right and not ventalating the house correctly and not at all in some places.  Would someone just kill me?   Filter?  Who needs a filter change?  Not Me? Leaky Ducts? anyones? Where? not happinin.,most likely is!       

              My point is I think we would have had a problem even if I had the heater up to 80 that night.

          They are two very stressed out broads. Excuse my terminology.  They are up to their ears taking care of my Aunt who has demensia who is a lot of trouble. They have recently gotten some extra care where these nurses are coming in now and bathing her etc.  My sister is living off her money and taking care of her with it and this place here and the accounts are getting low. If anyone has kept up with me.   My sister has referred to this money as "her" money.   She over reacts over everything!   Its important to me now to see this in perspective as much as I can so I dont take the way they act too personally.  They act just awful!

   I locked off my portion of the house so if she gets into a fit of rage she cant get in here anymore, unless I open the door and let her in,  not bloody likely for awhile.  My therapist said I need to distance myself from them and to NOT feel guilty about it.  My mom is soo good at this guilt trip thing, its a sickness! Her sickness.

                          I'm going to go out and buy myself a beer. Just one. That's all I need.  And then Im going to love myself and tell myself how cool I am.   And that I will ride those wild horses,  yes I will.  (  :  with a beer in my hand.