Handling BPD's comments about other people

[matilda17]

Hi -- really finding these boards to be valuable. Thanks to any and all for reading/replying.

I recently put two and two together that my mom is most likely BPD. I had thought NPD for a little while but gradually saw other characteristics (e.g., shallow affect, waifish manipulations, queen-like tendencies, etc., to make a long story short) that better fit the BPD bill.   

I am still in fairly consistent contact with her and my dad, and for now that will likely continue as I work toward understanding what all this is going to mean for me going forward.

While I was home for the holidays, though, there were a couple incidents during which she and I were alone (which was typically the battleground setting for us when I was a teenager in particular) and she said something upsetting -- usually a cutting statement about someone else.

For example, when talking about my brother's absent-minded tendencies, she said, "he has a good mind to focus on work, but the rest of his brain is $#*^!" And he's generally the Golden Child in our family system (I'm generally the scapegoat).

My point here isn't to criticize her but to give a snapshot of pretty frequent situations with her in which she's searingly critical of others -- friends, family members, you name it. I was silent in this case because I was in observation mode, getting a clearer picture of her general m.o., but in the future I'd like to not be a part of tearing down others in their absence when I can help it.

Any suggestions about good go-to strategies for dealing with unwanted communication situations like this would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.

[Turkish]

That depends on how much you like your brother 

Seriously, though, while it's good that you are in a place to observe and analyze, it's obvious that this upsets you. So The Golden Child isn't immune from BPD Splitting either. In a multi-family member dynamic with a BPD parent, the pwBPD often engages in:

Triangulation

You could use validation in combination with clear boundaries: "BPD Mother? I understand that you feel like Golden Child brother may be a mush-brain, but you know what? I don't feel that way, and if you keep referring to him that way, then I'm ending whatever conversation we're having and walking away from the table." If she gets triggered, which may be likely, then you've walked away. If you're consistent, then she might finally get it after a few times. You don't need to engage in an argument explaining why you don't feel that way. She won't get it. Validate (however minorly), state your boundary, and then follow through.

Have you read Lawson's Understanding The Borderline Mother? The author gives some tips on how to deal with situations like this:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

[matilda17]

Thanks again, Turkish -- very helpful -- thanks for the link and the suggestions.

I think one thing I've been missing in my early attempts at setting boundaries with unBPD mom is the notion of validation. Once I started really getting that she has been the primary source of the problem between us (I do take responsibility for my part, though, and am learning more about that too), I think I jumped pretty quickly into the anger stage.

While that's necessary to a degree, I think it hasn't always been helpful in terms of my viewing her compassionately in moments when I see her acting out. I haven't done much except be silent and observe so far (since I've come to understand better what I'm dealing with), but I see how the approaches you mentioned can be helpful and humane.

Thanks a bunch.

[Turkish]

Here is where it can become tricky. Validation can serve to reduce conflict, but we can also fall into the triangulation trap, even two people. pwBPD can be good at suddenly playing the Victim, while we're painted as The Persecutor. This often guilts us into switching our role to The Rescuer, in order to soothe their feelings and reduce conflict. Story of our childhoods, no? It's like when I was joking about me not liking the peanut butter and mayo sandwiches my mom used to feed me. She became the Victim, and was ready to drive 2.5 hours at night back home, "I id the best I could!" I switched from imaginary Persecutor to Rescuer in order to calm her down. I just wanted to go to bed and was tired of the drama. I engaged in the triangulation. The next day, things were fine.

It's so hard to remove ourselves from these dysfunctional cycles, but with effort, it's possible. At the end of the day, however, they're still our parents. I don't feel required to love my mother... .but I do, from a little distance. I havent experienced Witch since I moved out the day I turned 18, thankfully. The last time my mom smacked me was shortly before that. I instinctively raised my hand and she said, "what, are you going to hit your own mother?" *sigh* of course I didn't.

25 years out of the house, I'm still working on it, and I'm glad you're here on the same journey 

[matilda17]

Wow, Turkish -- I have a lot to learn.

Well, maybe I've "learned" it already on some level, in that I can relate 100% to the scenario you sketched out from your own family, but rather I have a lot to bring into full awareness. Then, the trick will be to navigate these kinds of situations more mindfully.

I recently had just the kind of interaction in my own FOO that you described. I suppose that's the kind of thing that happens in every family, even healthier ones, and I'd previously been aware of the notion of triangulation and roughly how it works, but I see in your description how people can move around the triangle, so to speak, pretty quickly -- even within the frame of a short interaction.

One factor that really helps me now is that my brother (the aforementioned GC) and to a lesser extent my father are both aware of my unBPD mom's patterns -- my brother in particular is more interested in exploring what they mean than my father is at this point, after 40+ years of marriage. Dad (who incidentally has codependent and NPD traits) does enable, but he also can draw boundaries with her.

My point here is that I'm not the only one in my family anymore who experiences/understands these situations with the BPD, and thus I am no longer on my own while the rest of them go along (as they did for a while) with BPD mom's version that I was "difficult" and "depressed," and that's why there was any conflict in the family.

And lastly, it did actually make a lot of things clearer to me, on this last vacation visit, to see uBPDmom "split" my GC brother. Interestingly, that's what it took with my ex-uBPD bf -- I saw him go after one of his family members in the same off-the-rails way he did with me, and everything snapped into focus. I suppose I'd been conditioned to believe on some level that I was "difficult" and thus others' reactions to me had to do with me -- seeing them work their magic on others did away with that one. (It's not like I'm never difficult as such, but if anything I've tended to be too accommodating with others, which is something I've been working on as well.)

Anyhow, thanks so much for your input and feedback -- this board is already very enlightening and helpful for me, and I look forward to lurking and posting some more.