Were you happy prior to the BPD relationship?

[maxsterling]

Question - would you have considered yourself a happy, well adjusted person prior to entering the relationship with your BPD partner?  Or would you have considered yourself lonely, depressed, or with self-esteem issues?  I've been thinking about that often, as a possible reason to how some of us got involved and wound up staying rather than leaving. 

As for myself - I remember being quite happy and self-confident for the year or two leading up to meeting my wife.  And it was that happiness and self confidence that led me to want to share that with someone - I felt I was healthy and happy enough for the challenges of a r/s.  My earlier life was a different story.  While I was mostly happy, I was lonely at times, anxious, and depressed on occasion.

I wonder how that all plays in.  Perhaps my positive attitude at the time helped hide some red flags, and my confidence led me down a path of denial.  Interesting is that I now feel myself slipping into old patterns of anxiety and depression.  I don't have as much self confidence I had going in.  Yet I know if the r/s were to end, I would find a way to be happy and self-confident.   So many ways these r/s can play out.  But it seems whether we stay or go, us as partners of pwBPD face significant internal challenges.

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[ColdEthyl]

I was not happy. I was in the process of divorce, working a job I hated, and scraping by. I was in a marriage that I felt anger and hate towards my ex for a long time, so I was ready/wanting to meet someone to make a connection with.

I have low self esteem issues. I was raised by a dad who was just "there" not abusive... .but not an hands-on parent. My step-mother told me and my brother how stupid we were everyday, how much she hated us and couldn't wait for us to turn 18 so she could "have her life back." She had bizarre ways of punishing and bizarre things TO punish, like if we didn't wear socks in the living room, she would cut off the heater to our rooms because "she pays the bills and if we don't listen to her rules we don't get the benefits she provides." My mother popped in and out or our lives, and when she was around for me about age 12, I quickly discovered she married a pedophile. He would write stories about things he wanted to do to me. My mother told me if I told my dad she would never come see me again. At the time... .her house was an escape for the other house I lived in. It was lose-lose for me growing up.

I also have a caretaker personality, so I'm sure I was ripe for this sort of relationship. I think I developed this because I never want anyone to feel the way I did, so I overdo it.

[Grey Kitty]

I've been fairly content, even happy most of my life.

When I met my wife I was still in college; I'd been err... .socially awkward and not very successful (socially) in grade school/high school, 'tho not terribly bullied or anything. By the time I'd spent a couple years in college I was starting to find a social group, come out of my shell, and was starting to think about something like dating (which I'd never done before my wife kinda pounced on me!)

I'd say that I was happy. And I'd say that I was happy for most of our marriage too. The last few years have been tougher.

[Mie]

I was happy. I was confident and independent.

He wants to make it look the opposite: that I was miserable before meeting him, and he has helped me to get to 'different level'. Also he is saying that he was happy before meeting me. I know he has 'good life', but I don't have the impression that he was happy.

Am I happy now? That's more complicated. Is rollercoaster a happy place?

[MissyM]

Max, I was talking with my sponsor today about the fact that I am usually really good on my own.  However, when I get into a long term relationship then my issues begin to surface.  I am not codependent in friendships, only in relationships.  It takes some time in a relationship before I get kind of worn down and kind of "give in" to what the other person is wanting.  I start to believe sone of their view and perspective on life, instead of my own.  I haven't ever fully "bought into" what my dBPDh has said but I definitely sold myself out for years and didn't live up to what I wanted and needed.  I gave up having a social life outside of my family, the kids, my husband and only a couple of close friends.  That is not how I am naturally and now that I am back to having a wider circle of friends I feel much happier.  For me, the unhappiness came from giving up on my own needs and focusing on my partners.

[sweetheart]

Hi max, it's a good question.

My early years teenage and twenties I was socially awkward and self conscious which led to a serious episode of clinical depression in my late twenties. Much of this rooted in FOO stuff. Therapy changed my life completely. I felt happier, freer more confident and I was able to live a more fulfilling life, good career, couple of very normal long term relationships with men and women.( by normal I mean no significant issues in partners )

I spent much of my free time travelling to places in the world I loved to be. I had no yearning for a family, up until I met my husband I had been single by choice for three years and was enjoying how life was for me.

I was also very happy for the first six years of my marriage to my dBPDh, yes there were some difficulties but they were surmountable at the time. It has only been the last two years that things have been really difficult, but I  am ever optimistic as our life together is starting to show some small improvements.

[SlyQQ]

I was fine I laughed of the ideation an stuff but fell victim to my curiosity an trust an unplanned ( by me ) pregnency closed the trap 

[formflier]

 

Max,

Yeah... .I was an am happy.  There was probably a good year... .or two while the BPD traits were in full swing... .and I had no clue... .that I was not "happy".  There were good times... .but more bad than good.

Anyway... .it was good 15 years before I really started seeing stuff in my r/s.  After a natural disaster had us out of our home for a  good 6 months.  Now that I know what to look for... .I saw hints before this. 

If I had know more about healthy r/s issues... .I think there was opportunity for lots of improvement very early on in our r/s.   

That opportunity is there now... .and we are doing it... .there are just a lot more landmines scattered about... .

I also am an pretty strong leader... .this results in me seeing agreement where there is not agreement... .and when I "lead off" into the sunset... .many times I wouldn't look back.  I would assume others are following me.

Lots of assumptions like that helped keep me happy.

I'm a glass half full guy.  Firmly in that camp.  My wife is half empty... .firmly in that camp.

Our MC said the other day that she can really see how when our r/s works well... .we really compliment each other well.  And that is true.  The downside is that for years it was easy to stick with our views and get pretty far offtrack.

[notdownyet]

A straight forward question, though a complex one to answer.

Before I met my BPDw, I was in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship, and always felt that there was something missing.  That thing being love.

I cheated on my then gf with my BPDw, so not the best way to start a relationship, but I'm sure that I'm not alone in this scenario.

If I focus on now and the previous 2 years, then I can quite easily say that I was happier before this relationship.  However for the first 6 and half years of my relationship with my BPDw, I've never felt happier.  :)uring that time we’ve had 2 gorgeous children, and created a proper home.  This is until my BPDw decided to tip our world up-side-down.

In my previous relationship I was emotionally immature, and felt that not only that there was something missing not only from the relationship, but from me as a person.  I’m not sure if that missing part has been filled with my personality and inner-strength or just external chaos, but I certainly had less to worry about.

[notdownyet]

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[Cloudy Days]

I always thought that I grew up in a completely normal household until I actually grew up and started realizing that my family was more dysfunctional than my own BPD husbands family. I had a good friend I lived with when I met my husband. I say she was a good friend but she was actually a very selfish person and looking back caused me a lot of trauma just being her friend from age 11. She ignored me, at times would make fun of me and would exclude me from things if she could find someone better to hang out with. I was very shy and my parents both drank and fought a lot when I was growing up. I did witness abuse, but I was never abused myself. However through therapy I learned that because my parents were fighting they were not available to me as a growing little human needing guidance. So I was emotionally neglected, which made me emotionally immature. I thought I was happy when I met my husband but looking back I was very stressed out and lonely and had zero confidence. At 20 years old I actually had shingles, which is something you get when you are run down and stressed out. I met my husband at 21 and I quickly traded one toxic relationship (my best friend) for another (my now husband). If me and my husband don't work out for one reason or another I am going to take a lot of time to find me. I don't think I have ever really been happy, but I think if given the chance to get away from toxic people I could be. 

[ColdEthyl]

A straight forward question, though a complex one to answer.

Before I met my BPDw, I was in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship, and always felt that there was something missing.  That thing being love.

I cheated on my then gf with my BPDw, so not the best way to start a relationship, but I'm sure that I'm not alone in this scenario.

If I focus on now and the previous 2 years, then I can quite easily say that I was happier before this relationship.  However for the first 6 and half years of my relationship with my BPDw, I've never felt happier.  :)uring that time we’ve had 2 gorgeous children, and created a proper home.  This is until my BPDw decided to tip our world up-side-down.

In my previous relationship I was emotionally immature, and felt that not only that there was something missing not only from the relationship, but from me as a person.  I’m not sure if that missing part has been filled with my personality and inner-strength or just external chaos, but I certainly had less to worry about.

Your story is quite similar to mine. I didn't cheat with my dBPDh, but I was going through a divorce, and he was with someone else. He broke up with her and we started this back and forth dance with the ex for about a year.

I feel like an idiot because I was so infatuated with him in the beginning... .he was perfect for me in my eyes. I was socially awkward, (still am) I have had a handful of boyfriends, and only was intimate with my ex husband and my current. The first year we were together he brought this up as a reason we shouldn't be together... .like I hadn't sowed my wild oats enough or something.

Overall, I AM happy now. I love my kids, my brother, and my husband. I would say things are great 80% of the time. I'm not overly fond of BPD, though rofl