Contact from ex 3 days after recycle.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, as a lot of you know, I recently recycled with my ex. It lasted for about 5 days. She contacted me today. This is how our conversation went.

She told me that she was released from the hospital because she promised not to hurt herself. She said she ended up doing it anyway. She cut her wrist so bad that clear was coming out. She said She was supposed to go to her counselor today, but she doesn't have enough money for it and that's another reason why she is sick of everything. She said she has to reschedule when she gets paid. Her next text was this: I do want to tell you that the feelings I had for you were real, I am just not strong enough to deal with everything. I cracked after one day. I'm sorry for coming back into your life and ruining everything for you, again. I just have to love myself and I wish I could have known or seen that before I rekindled things with you.

There was a little more exchange in texts, but nothing profound. Just her telling me she is trying to get a better paying job. Could this really be her trying to get herself some help? It seems like she has come to terms with the fact that she needs to work on herself before she has a shot at happiness. I told her I would be here to support her as a friend. I am okay with that. I generally want to see her happy with or without me.

What do you all think about this? It would be wonderful if somehow I helped her find out that she needed to actually get help.

[Xidion]

So, as a lot of you know, I recently recycled with my ex. It lasted for about 5 days. She contacted me today. This is how our conversation went.

She told me that she was released from the hospital because she promised not to hurt herself. She said she ended up doing it anyway. She cut her wrist so bad that clear was coming out. She said She was supposed to go to her counselor today, but she doesn't have enough money for it and that's another reason why she is sick of everything. She said she has to reschedule when she gets paid. Her next text was this: I do want to tell you that the feelings I had for you were real, I am just not strong enough to deal with everything. I cracked after one day. I'm sorry for coming back into your life and ruining everything for you, again. I just have to love myself and I wish I could have known or seen that before I rekindled things with you.

There was a little more exchange in texts, but nothing profound. Just her telling me she is trying to get a better paying job. Could this really be her trying to get herself some help? It seems like she has come to terms with the fact that she needs to work on herself before she has a shot at happiness. I told her I would be here to support her as a friend. I am okay with that. I generally want to see her happy with or without me.

What do you all think about this? It would be wonderful if somehow I helped her find out that she needed to actually get help.

[jhkbuzz]

So, as a lot of you know, I recently recycled with my ex. It lasted for about 5 days. She contacted me today. This is how our conversation went.

She told me that she was released from the hospital because she promised not to hurt herself. She said she ended up doing it anyway. She cut her wrist so bad that clear was coming out. She said She was supposed to go to her counselor today, but she doesn't have enough money for it and that's another reason why she is sick of everything. She said she has to reschedule when she gets paid. Her next text was this: I do want to tell you that the feelings I had for you were real, I am just not strong enough to deal with everything. I cracked after one day. I'm sorry for coming back into your life and ruining everything for you, again. I just have to love myself and I wish I could have known or seen that before I rekindled things with you.

There was a little more exchange in texts, but nothing profound. Just her telling me she is trying to get a better paying job. Could this really be her trying to get herself some help? It seems like she has come to terms with the fact that she needs to work on herself before she has a shot at happiness. I told her I would be here to support her as a friend. I am okay with that. I generally want to see her happy with or without me.

What do you all think about this? It would be wonderful if somehow I helped her find out that she needed to actually get help.

It doesn't sound as if you need to "help her find out" that she needs help - it sounds like she already knows.

The real issue here - and it's one you need to think long and hard about - is whether or not you can truly be just a friend to her.  Will your emotions allow you to offer friendship alone without crossing boundary lines (physical, emotional or otherwise) yourself?  IMHO, if you are really hoping for something more (as opposed to simply being a supportive friend), you should consider stepping away, since you both need very different things right now.

Consider this: BPD is a disorder of arrested emotional development.  In many ways, she needs to "grow up" emotionally - and I'm not being sarcastic or cruel in saying that.  Her healing will come when and if she learns how to function as a completely independent adult. If part of what still "hooks" you is her vulnerable child persona, then what you want from her and what she actually needs for her healing are diametrically opposed.   

[Xidion]

Right now,  i could be a friend via text. I couldn't be a friend in person,  though. 

I do need to keep my distance and make sure contact is low contact. 

I still have emotional detaching to do. I know that for sure.

[jhkbuzz]

Right now,  i could be a friend via text. I couldn't be a friend in person,  though.  

I do need to keep my distance and make sure contact is low contact.  

I still have emotional detaching to do. I know that for sure.

Sounds like you've been thinking about your boundaries, which is good.    I'm just wondering if you are considering all the kinds of texts you might receive, and how they might test your boundaries.

Sounds like you're thinking your boundary is something along the lines of, "I can handle texting with her, but I know I can't handle spending time with her without getting "foggy."  If that's the case, texts about how she's doing, etc. might be okay... .but what happens during a crisis if she texts and she says she really needs to see you?  Would you actually be able to stand firm and say no?  Or would you cave and potentially begin another recycling episode?

It seems that the one thing that most of us would agree about is that pwBPD test boundaries again and again and again.

[FoolishMan]

So, as a lot of you know, I recently recycled with my ex. It lasted for about 5 days. She contacted me today. This is how our conversation went.

She told me that she was released from the hospital because she promised not to hurt herself. She said she ended up doing it anyway. She cut her wrist so bad that clear was coming out. She said She was supposed to go to her counselor today, but she doesn't have enough money for it and that's another reason why she is sick of everything. She said she has to reschedule when she gets paid. Her next text was this: I do want to tell you that the feelings I had for you were real, I am just not strong enough to deal with everything. I cracked after one day. I'm sorry for coming back into your life and ruining everything for you, again. I just have to love myself and I wish I could have known or seen that before I rekindled things with you.

There was a little more exchange in texts, but nothing profound. Just her telling me she is trying to get a better paying job. Could this really be her trying to get herself some help? It seems like she has come to terms with the fact that she needs to work on herself before she has a shot at happiness. I told her I would be here to support her as a friend. I am okay with that. I generally want to see her happy with or without me.

What do you all think about this? It would be wonderful if somehow I helped her find out that she needed to actually get help.

Is she asking you for financial help? I honestly think for your own sanity you've got to let her work through her stuff alone and move on somewhat untill she does her work. I think it may prove to be hell being around when she is like this. Remember she just dumped your replacement there may be dialogue between them as well.

Look after yourself first but I wish you all the best whatever happens. We all know how tough this stuff is.

[Xidion]

She expressed that she can't exactly afford it, but she has not asked for financial help in any way. In fact, she never did. I always offered the help.  I didn't this time.  She can figure it out on her own.

[Infern0]

She expressed that she can't exactly afford it, but she has not asked for financial help in any way. In fact, she never did. I always offered the help.  I didn't this time.  She can figure it out on her own.

Remember our talk about how they don't ask for things, they bait you into suggesting it. Well done for not falling for it.

[myself]

Hopefully she's hit bottom and will bounce back in a better direction.

[Xidion]

I'm not sure why she is even in contact with me. She is all about telling me how she needs to love herself and find her self worth. Why is she tell ME these things?

She then said, I hope you find someone. Eventually you will.

[Blimblam]

I'm not sure why she is even in contact with me. She is all about telling me how she needs to love herself and find her self worth. Why is she tell ME these things?

She then said, I hope you find someone. Eventually you will.

Xideon count your blessings. I wish my ex provided closure like that.

She tells you these things because you as an attachment is how she is able to see herself.  Hopefully she is able to and not fall back into her pattern. 

[Xidion]

I'm not sure why she is even in contact with me. She is all about telling me how she needs to love herself and find her self worth. Why is she tell ME these things?

She then said, I hope you find someone. Eventually you will.

Xideon count your blessings. I wish my ex provided closure like that.

She tells you these things because you as an attachment is how she is able to see herself.  Hopefully she is able to and not fall back into her pattern. 

I hope so too, I wish her all the best. I know she has always admired me and my self worth, my goals, and how I live my life. Maybe she just wants some sort of attachment to me to be able to get through this for her own good. Idk.

[Ripped Heart]

Xidion, I follow your posts with great interest because your ex is in a very similar place to mine and I'm seeing some of the difficulties you are too.

I'm not sure which is easier, where people have talked about their exes just disappearing or running off with replacements, or stuck in the limbo we appear to be where they need to be on their own but when you give them that, they need you to be close. It takes a lot emotionally to try and keep focus while all of this is happening.

I'm not the best person to decipher what your ex is saying to you. However, I think others have given some really good advice. You do need to be careful when they talk about not having money, I've fallen into that trap so many times too where we jump forward and offer because in a roundabout way, that's what they are asking.

I can't speak for your ex but mine says similar things. For example, yours talks about being released on the grounds she doesn't hurt herself but that she couldn't help it and cut her wrists. She went into detail about what she had done and "needed" you to know. She then follows it up with wanting to get better but doesn't have the money to do that. I know for me, it plays on my own fears that if I don't jump in and save her, next time could be worse and that I would feel guilty for not jumping in because she has opened her heart to me and shared something very personal. If something were to happen to her, I would carry that guilt and before you know it, I end up paying. This is a trap I need to start identifying in advance so well done for not falling into it also.

As for why she is telling you things, it could be many reasons. I've found with mine that I seem to get the tears, the wishing she was dead, the description of the intense pain, the worry and the fears. It's like I get the real person, the one behind the mask and whilst she is able to offload that on to me, others get the person in the mask. I don't see anything wrong with that, because they are reaching out to you as a parent figure but you also have to be careful of your own health because I can find that very emotionally draining. She may also be telling you because nobody else knows what is going on and she needs to share that with you.

I've also noticed in the last couple of days that mine is starting to mirror me and my actions. I start eating healthier, she does the same, I start going to the gym more, she is now joining a gym.

[Xidion]

Xidion, I follow your posts with great interest because your ex is in a very similar place to mine and I'm seeing some of the difficulties you are too.

I'm not sure which is easier, where people have talked about their exes just disappearing or running off with replacements, or stuck in the limbo we appear to be where they need to be on their own but when you give them that, they need you to be close. It takes a lot emotionally to try and keep focus while all of this is happening.

I'm not the best person to decipher what your ex is saying to you. However, I think others have given some really good advice. You do need to be careful when they talk about not having money, I've fallen into that trap so many times too where we jump forward and offer because in a roundabout way, that's what they are asking.

I can't speak for your ex but mine says similar things. For example, yours talks about being released on the grounds she doesn't hurt herself but that she couldn't help it and cut her wrists. She went into detail about what she had done and "needed" you to know. She then follows it up with wanting to get better but doesn't have the money to do that. I know for me, it plays on my own fears that if I don't jump in and save her, next time could be worse and that I would feel guilty for not jumping in because she has opened her heart to me and shared something very personal. If something were to happen to her, I would carry that guilt and before you know it, I end up paying. This is a trap I need to start identifying in advance so well done for not falling into it also.

As for why she is telling you things, it could be many reasons. I've found with mine that I seem to get the tears, the wishing she was dead, the description of the intense pain, the worry and the fears. It's like I get the real person, the one behind the mask and whilst she is able to offload that on to me, others get the person in the mask. I don't see anything wrong with that, because they are reaching out to you as a parent figure but you also have to be careful of your own health because I can find that very emotionally draining. She may also be telling you because nobody else knows what is going on and she needs to share that with you.

I've also noticed in the last couple of days that mine is starting to mirror me and my actions. I start eating healthier, she does the same, I start going to the gym more, she is now joining a gym.

Mine ran off with a replacement for 2 months. Only to cheat on him with me, dump him, and have a 2 day relationship with me. Honestly, I think the last 2 months of her life has opened up her eyes. She started to fall apart. She said she became a ___, started drinking a lot, gained a lot of weight. She was jolting uncontrollably in her sleep (which I witnessed when she stayed here).

During our recycle this past week, I told her all about how I'm trying to become a better person every day, work on my flaws. I even told her that I believe that I'm co-dependent. Part of me thinks she is actually mirroring me in that I'm trying to better myself. If that's the case, then I've actually helped her help herself.

But what about when it's 2 months from now and she doesn't feel like it's working? The truth is, I'm not sure she could actually improve without real therapy. She is trying to do it on her own, but that may or may not result in her actually improving.

If she is mirroring me, and it doesn't work, chances are she will paint me black and hate me for the fact that she mirrored me with no results.

[Confused?]

My ex did the same thing. Said she's going to help herself. Said this said that. Then says she doesn't have money for it even though she has medical insurance through a family plan. I think it is kind of like the mirroring part of the relationship. Saying what you want to hear. For me I have a very similar thing going on. Replaced. She still contacts me. No I haven't seen her. I talk to her very rarely and quite frankly I hope she never contacts me again. I played into the she needs to be alone and love herself thing before too. She even tells me about how horrible her boyfriend is (which I don't believe). The fact is that if they really want help they will take it any way possible. But the excuses seem to overcome the actions. I hope for her sake and yours also that she means it. After all that happened in my relationship I really don't believe anything that comes out of a pwBPDs mouth.

[Xidion]

My ex did the same thing. Said she's going to help herself. Said this said that. Then says she doesn't have money for it even though she has medical insurance through a family plan. I think it is kind of like the mirroring part of the relationship. Saying what you want to hear. For me I have a very similar thing going on. Replaced. She still contacts me. No I haven't seen her. I talk to her very rarely and quite frankly I hope she never contacts me again. I played into the she needs to be alone and love herself thing before too. She even tells me about how horrible her boyfriend is (which I don't believe). The fact is that if they really want help they will take it any way possible. But the excuses seem to overcome the actions. I hope for her sake and yours also that she means it. After all that happened in my relationship I really don't believe anything that comes out of a pwBPDs mouth.

I am struggling with believing her, too. Part of me thinks this is a charade to keep me on the hook so in a couple months from now she can try to win my heart again by telling me how much better she is. She is a master at saying she wants/is doing something but putting that tiny little excuse in there that keeps it from actually happening.

I hope, for her sake, and no one else's that she is really getting the help she needs. It's really sad to know that someone you cared for will ultimately lead a life if misery and die feeling alone. That isn't a fate I would wish on anyone.

[paperlung]

It doesn't sound as if you need to "help her find out" that she needs help - it sounds like she already knows.

The real issue here - and it's one you need to think long and hard about - is whether or not you can truly be just a friend to her.  Will your emotions allow you to offer friendship alone without crossing boundary lines (physical, emotional or otherwise) yourself?  IMHO, if you are really hoping for something more (as opposed to simply being a supportive friend), you should consider stepping away, since you both need very different things right now.

Consider this: BPD is a disorder of arrested emotional development.  In many ways, she needs to "grow up" emotionally - and I'm not being sarcastic or cruel in saying that.  Her healing will come when and if she learns how to function as a completely independent adult. If part of what still "hooks" you is her vulnerable child persona, then what you want from her and what she actually needs for her healing are diametrically opposed.  

Yup. I personally couldn't do it. The feelings were coming back, but I also didn't like what I saw or heard from her, so I ran (went NC). I love and care for her a lot, but I needed to put myself first, and realized that if I got in too deep I would end up hurt again.

She said she was going to get help before she moved back here, but now that she's back she told me she doesn't think she needs it anymore when she clearly does. I predict she'll find or has already found a new relationship to distract herself with like always. She's always running from her problems.

[NonAverageJoe]

Shift the focus inward fellas and move on. I'm twelve days NC again. and seeing a new Woman. Total upgrade. You can take what you've learned trying to deal with disordered people and a normal woman will think you walk on water.

Focus on you. Forget about them. You can only enable them, you can not help them or save them.

[Xidion]

Shift the focus inward fellas and move on. I'm twelve days NC again. and seeing a new Woman. Total upgrade. You can take what you've learned trying to deal with disordered people and a normal woman will think you walk on water.

Focus on you. Forget about them. You can only enable them, you can not help them or save them.

I have went on a date with the same girl 3 times and she likes me a lot. she has her own career, own place, nice car, completely self reliant. Not sure why I'm keeping myself wrapped up in the middle of the ex's drama.

[paperlung]

Shift the focus inward fellas and move on. I'm twelve days NC again. and seeing a new Woman. Total upgrade. You can take what you've learned trying to deal with disordered people and a normal woman will think you walk on water.

Focus on you. Forget about them. You can only enable them, you can not help them or save them.

I have went on a date with the same girl 3 times and she likes me a lot. she has her own career, own place, nice car, completely self reliant. Not sure why I'm keeping myself wrapped up in the middle of the ex's drama.

You probably miss the girl you first fell in love with. You know, the one during the idealization phase and wish for that same girl again if she were to get help.