My exBPDw is introducing strange men to my daughter? What do I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Since my exBPDw and I have split up, we've both resumed dating.  There's no one serious in the picture for me right now, and while I do have an, ahem, active "social life", I go through great pains to keep this from my D5's presence.  I spend a lot of time texting people and keeping my social correspondence quiet, go out primarily on visitation weekends and making sure anyone I deal with doesn't know where I live.  So far, I've been successful with that stance.  There was just one slip up where I had briefly displayed a picture of a woman I was dating on my laptop (and the photo was G-rated, thankfully), but that was easily explained off as a friend. 

My exBPDw has been a bit more cavalier in her stance, and that's raising issues.  She immediately got a boyfriend after we split and spent large amounts of time with him.  She pressured me to let her meet with our D5, but I resisted until they had been together around 9 months.  They split shortly after they met up, and she has since dated a number of men.  The dating part isn't the issue.  After all, I did initiate the break-up.  The problem is that she regularly mentions these men around our D5.  It's gotten to the point where my D5 will mention these men in conversation, and then ask me if I have a girlfriend.  I mention to her in turn that I do have friends, and I leave it at that.  I am concerned about the men my exBPDw is mentioning around our D5.  What should I do?

[iluminati]

Since my exBPDw and I have split up, we've both resumed dating.  There's no one serious in the picture for me right now, and while I do have an, ahem, active "social life", I go through great pains to keep this from my D5's presence.  I spend a lot of time texting people and keeping my social correspondence quiet, go out primarily on visitation weekends and making sure anyone I deal with doesn't know where I live.  So far, I've been successful with that stance.  There was just one slip up where I had briefly displayed a picture of a woman I was dating on my laptop (and the photo was G-rated, thankfully), but that was easily explained off as a friend. 

My exBPDw has been a bit more cavalier in her stance, and that's raising issues.  She immediately got a boyfriend after we split and spent large amounts of time with him.  She pressured me to let her meet with our D5, but I resisted until they had been together around 9 months.  They split shortly after they met up, and she has since dated a number of men.  The dating part isn't the issue.  After all, I did initiate the break-up.  The problem is that she regularly mentions these men around our D5.  It's gotten to the point where my D5 will mention these men in conversation, and then ask me if I have a girlfriend.  I mention to her in turn that I do have friends, and I leave it at that.  I am concerned about the men my exBPDw is mentioning around our D5.  What should I do?

[JayReader27]

As crazy as it may sound, it seems that your ex is looking for a source of love and validation in these men, and purposely bringing it to your daughters attention. She knows that your daughter is going to mention something to you about the men she dates. This is a tactic that my fathers used after my mother and him split. It was all about seeing where they stand with you. They want to know what your reaction will be. If you do react to it then it proves they are still worthy of your attention and love. Because, she has a child with you are seen as is a door in her life that can not be closed. So she will often do things like this to see if she can get a positive or negative rise out of you.

If the men are not harming your daughter then, I would just listen. Trying to reason with her will probably cause more of a problem. But, if your daughter is in danger then I would talk to her about it, or go to court. But it seems like this is an attention tactic. The fact that you daughter asked if you had a girlfriend makes me wonder if that can from your ex and not her. My BPD father often would try to pump me for information about my mother after separation.

[clydegriffith]

I know how you feel. When things ended for the relationship i was in, my daughter was 1 year old. Three years later and she's seen her mom "date" two guys, then be engaged to another, then have another baby with another guy after that. And it's not just the guys, the BPDx gets these guys' entire families involved; she actually had her calling the guy who she was engaged to's mom "grandma". She's probably had some of the guys she just sees casually around her too. It really angers me since the general stance of most single mothers that i know is that they never introduce anyone to their children unless they've been seeing that person for a while and there is potential for something long term. Of course, most single mothers i know are decent people which the BPDx is not.

[iluminati]

As crazy as it may sound, it seems that your ex is looking for a source of love and validation in these men, and purposely bringing it to your daughters attention. She knows that your daughter is going to mention something to you about the men she dates. This is a tactic that my fathers used after my mother and him split. It was all about seeing where they stand with you. They want to know what your reaction will be. If you do react to it then it proves they are still worthy of your attention and love. Because, she has a child with you are seen as is a door in her life that can not be closed. So she will often do things like this to see if she can get a positive or negative rise out of you.

Excellent point.  Originally, she called daily to speak to our daughter, but our daughter refuses to speak to her on the phone.  (Our daughter is OK with visits to her house though... .go figure.)  Now, after being rejected enough, she just calls to ask how our daughter is doing and what happened at school.  Now there are times where conversation is needed for coordination, but the everyday stuff is a bit much.  She also seems to be hoping for a reaction out of me for whatever reason.  Oh well.

[JayReader27]

I agree. In my experience with a BPD father I had to ignore a few of his calls and visits because, I too felt his everyday contact was to much.  But, I wish you the best! 

[livednlearned]

Do you think your D5 is trying to make sense of it? Meaning, she is not just asking you about your dating life, but trying to figure out where she will feel comfortable? Do you notice whether it makes her feel anxious when she talks about these men?

Maybe she is young enough that it seems normal to her to have a parade of men coming in and out of her moms life. In some ways, that is good because she accepts it and does not experience high levels of stress. But it's also bad because she may think it's normal to constantly cycle men, and may notice that her mom doesn't focus on her when the men are in the picture.

Are there other behaviors that your D is trying to understand, that maybe she brings up and doesn't know how to process? A lot of us  "nons" tend to be conflict-avoidant, and have a tendency to think that ignoring or avoiding emotional responses is healthy, or at least normal. But that tendency can also be what makes us choose emotionally unavailable people. We don't recognize the emotional incongruity in ourselves, so then we don't notice it in others. Then we pass that conditioning on to our kids.

Your ex is not going to change her behavior, and you can't stop her from behaving the way she does. The only thing you can do is validate your D's feelings and help guide her in understanding her own values in this, and know that there is someone in her life who acknowledges her feelings. There's more about raising resilient kids under Lesson 5 to the right ---------> including books written for young kids about BPD (at least the behaviors).

[iluminati]

Do you think your D5 is trying to make sense of it? Meaning, she is not just asking you about your dating life, but trying to figure out where she will feel comfortable? Do you notice whether it makes her feel anxious when she talks about these men?

No, she seems matter-of-fact about it.  She will mention the one guy from before on occasion, but there are no obvious signs of stress, thank goodness.

Are there other behaviors that your D is trying to understand, that maybe she brings up and doesn't know how to process? A lot of us  "nons" tend to be conflict-avoidant, and have a tendency to think that ignoring or avoiding emotional responses is healthy, or at least normal. But that tendency can also be what makes us choose emotionally unavailable people. We don't recognize the emotional incongruity in ourselves, so then we don't notice it in others. Then we pass that conditioning on to our kids.

She doesn't really like being around her mom.  She'll mention how her mom will sleep most of the day while she'll just play or watch cartoons.  Now, when her mom is up and ambulatory, they seem to have an otherwise normal time.  But between the sleep and the lack of cleanliness in the room she lives in (my ex lives in a small attic room that she rents out), it's not the greatest of situations.  Simply put, as bad as it is, there's nothing immediately actionable that puts my daughter in clear and present danger.  Plus I don't want to keep her from her mother in and of itself.

I've sat down and explained to my daughter what's going on, and I've had her in counseling to deal with the same.  She seems to have a good idea of what's going on, even though her mom was offended about my daughter learning that she was "sick" and "had trouble doing certain things".  We'll see how it goes as time marches on.