ExuBPDh has just been diagnosed - this is a milestone

[Cmjo]

I left exuBPDh two years ago and moved out of our family home.

Two years living apart, just round the corner actually and trying to provide peace and stability for our kids, D13 and S11 who are about four days a week with me and three days with him.

Two years when he has been deregulated numerous times, and refused to accept I left, believing I will cave in and go back, veering from being a loving Dad to new levels of mood swings, berating our daughter, putting our son on a pedestal as the golden boy, making apologies then repeating the same old behaviour, the  claiming it didn't happen or claiming not to remember what happened. I've been soft on him, maybe too soft, his unpredictable behaviour has caused me and the kids lots of stress, but I have never followed through with my threats to go to court, we seem to have a reasonable routine worked out which works 90% of the time.

He had a breakdown after he stopped taking his meds last summer, and with the help of his sister I got him to commit to having regular therapy at a specialist centre for personality disorder. He has taken the tests and told me on Monday he was diagnosed as BPD.

It's a milestone that I am still adjusting to. I know he will be happy for me to go to speak to his doctors. I have so many questions about treatment, but I don't know if he will respond well to therapy. I have heard it takes two years of consistent rational behaviour to show that a person is really in recovery from BPD.

I never exclude the possibility that I could move back to the staying board, the ideal of having a United family... .but by the time he does recover, if he does, the kids could already be away at university... .And if you ask me if I want to go back for HIM, then in my heart I don't believe I really do, I don't believe he will change enough for me to forget the hurt and pain his behaviour has caused and trust him to change.

Perhaps some of you remember a bit of my story... .

I don't regret leaving and now I am certain it was the right thing to do... .who knows how the future will develop... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Cmjo,

I remember your story well! What a mix of emotions you must be feeling. And relief for your kids? Do you plan to (or have you already) talk to the kids and tell them about the diagnosis?

When I told my son his dad suffered from a mental illness, it was a rollercoaster of emotions but overall a breakthrough. He felt angry, relieved, sad, and all kinds of emotions as he tried to take it in. Even with what I know about BPD, I still find a baffling mental illness to understand.

Do you think that your ex will follow through on the therapy? He will always be the father of your kids, so even if you never get back together, you must feel some hope that the therapy will make it easier for you to coparent.

I feel for you so much. I'm trying to imagine what this would be like in my own situation and it's hard to fathom the emotions.

Hope you're doing ok 

LnL

[Cmjo]

Having an actual diagnosis is unexpected. Yes it is a rollercoaster of emotions. But it's only him that told me, and as he tends to muddle facts I can't be sure until I hear the doctors tell me.

Can anyone else advise how to deal with a diagnosis?

Is it a relief for the kids? Not sure it makes things easier for them, they are already so confused. I am thinking still about what to do and who to tell. The name BPD only means something to me as I have spent two years studying it. If I tell his family or my family it doesn't make much difference, they think something is wrong but prefer just to stay in denial, my family think I should just find a new partner, his family think one day I will cave in and go back.

How can you tell the kids about mental illness? I'm afraid in the past few years they've heard the term sick in the head so many times from him saying it to me the kids believe it. They say it to each other in the heat of the moment.  So if I say it about him they don't know who to believe. I think my daughter who is 13 understands, but my son is confused and gets defensive about his father. I just said this morning you have seen how Daddy gets very angry, it's not normal he is seeing a doctor about it

I think it should be my ex to explain to them, but I'm sure he will not be ready to do that. He is so emotionally immature. When he told me on the phone he sort of laughed and said "are you happy?" As if to say there you are, you were right! I said no of course I'm not happy as it ruined our relationship but I am glad that maybe there is hope, this is an illness which can be treated with therapy. I asked if he understood but he said no, he doesn't even want to read about it. I said that's the next step, to understand, to accept and to work out a plan for dealing with it. But not sure he took that in.

In the week following the diagnosis there have been more stressful incidents and a barrage of hurtful messages from him. Then the next day he comes to get the kids doe eyed asking if he needs any supermarket shopping done. It's hard to deal with. I know what's going on but can't explain it to him. I feel powerless, all I can do is keep strong for myself and hope he does continue with the therapy.

[livednlearned]

Can anyone else advise how to deal with a diagnosis?

Is it a relief for the kids? Not sure it makes things easier for them, they are already so confused.

There is a section on the Coparenting boards about raising resilient kids, and resources from past members on how they talked to their kids about BPD. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I never used a book, and didn't discuss the diagnosis, but there are books written for kids (also in the same link above). You don't have to rush in to tell the kids. Wait until you feel like you understand the best way to discuss it. Your ex will probably say something to the kids, expecting you to have mentioned it already. If the kids bring it up, that might be the best way to approach it.