I married a BPD/NPD... After knowing her for 6 years I am done.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well I have never posted before.  Not sure what to say but I guess I will just tell the story.  I could probably write pages and pages of detail but I will try to be short.

I met her 6 years ago.  She worked at a pub I used to visit.  She was stunning and I mean stunning.  I didn't pay her much attention unlike the rest of the patrons... .guess I had a feeling not to plus I was separated from my first wife for almost a year and was just getting back to living.  After 6 months or so she started to flirt and chase me.  I avoided and kept it at a friendship level.  I finally gave in and we went on a date.  Our first date she opened up and told me about her entire life... .divorced three times, two children with two different men.  She was so attentive, beautiful, smart, funny and loving.  Never met anyone like this.  Guess the knight in shining armour kicked in and I though "she has just had some bad luck, I am a good guy and better than her past... .she just needs love".  Three months in she wanted to move in.  I was reluctant but finally agreed.  Everything was great for a few months and then the love stopped.  She explained it was because my divorce was not final and we were not married.  She is very religious... .well when it serves her that is.  After four months she left.  We remained friends and I even chased her until I learned she was having sex with a few different guys which was devastating for me.  I dated a few different people and when ever she heard this she would inevitably show up at my door cry about missing me... .we would have sex and be close for a month maybe and then she would be gone again.  After a couple years of this I knew she was just toxic for me.  I got over it, I healed and I was back to a great life.

Then she started contacting me again... she started texting me over and over claiming that she just wasn't ready for me before and she wanted to try again.  I kept saying NO for 6 months.  She came back to town and we hung out a few times... .boy was that a mistake.  She charmed me right back in to the trap again.  6 months later we were married... .trying to blend two families, each of us with two kids.  She was amazing at the start but life through us some curve balls and we had to move several times in the first year, as well as her daughter was prying the family apart.  She detached from me and we were just roommates.  She refused sex for the last year of our marriage, saying she just didn't feel close to me.  I am not perfect by any means but I am loving, attentive, athletic, handsome, successful man who gets no shortage of attention.  She wouldn't touch me.  It was a two year marriage from hell.  No intimacy, she hid me on her social media and portrayed herself as single for most of our marriage, told me she didn't love me anymore.  She left me twice during the marriage the last time six months ago.  I felt relieved, like I was finally free.  However part of me didn't want a second divorce and I had only just stumbled over BPD online, and a part of me did not want to believe it even though it absolutely fit!  Especially the splitting.  I decided to do the Love Dare for my wife... .I really wanted this to work.  I did 80 days of showing her unconditional love and it was working.  The distance was closing, we were dating and spending time together and she even asked me for the book because she wanted to do it as well.  I thought we were going to make it.  I left for a few weeks on a solo vacation after a very tough year of work.  When I got back I stopped by her place to give her a birthday present to find her shacked up with some guy (not an upgrade)  I was truly gutted on the spot.  That hurt, it was a week before Christmas.  She said she met him while I was gone.  So the religious zealot who had to get married to me and couldn't handle not being married was now in an adulterous relationship while still married... .really?  Her FB was covered in pics of her and her BF and she even took him home to her parents for Christmas.  I am still a little in shock although I don't know why I am surprised.

Anyways that is it... .I am done.  She has hurt me over and over and although I think I am an emotionally healthy person ( or at least I was! haha... .I will come back from this)  and intelligent the feeling of shame I have for letting her do it to me so many times.  I feel like such an idiot.  All our friends know and are very supportive but I do get the odd rib "we kinda tried to warn you"  She has lost a lot of friends over this last escapade.

Well three weeks later with a lot of prayer my pain has become less the anger has become less and I keep letting go a little more everyday.  I work on forgiving her and I do a bit more everyday.  I can't hold bitterness inside on this and must forgive her fully so I can heal.  The shock has become acceptance and I move forward.

I have cut off contact and am just waiting until a divorce can be filed.  The problem now is that even though I told her never to contact me again after a few weeks the texts have started.  Damsel in distress... .car is broken... .I need help with this.  You know.  I have ignored it all but it so hard to turn my back on someone and not help.  I know the only way through this is to stay away.  The most messed up part is I still love her!  What the heck  I don't want to feel that anymore!  I want to be free, I want to heal, I want to get back to being around healthy people and maybe one day find a lady who is truly good for me.  My anger towards her has become pity... .I feel sorry for her and that scares me a bit.  I don't want to do anymore knight in shining armour stuff!  Trying to stay strong and move on.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[wavelife]

Well I have never posted before.  Not sure what to say but I guess I will just tell the story.  I could probably write pages and pages of detail but I will try to be short.

I met her 6 years ago.  She worked at a pub I used to visit.  She was stunning and I mean stunning.  I didn't pay her much attention unlike the rest of the patrons... .guess I had a feeling not to plus I was separated from my first wife for almost a year and was just getting back to living.  After 6 months or so she started to flirt and chase me.  I avoided and kept it at a friendship level.  I finally gave in and we went on a date.  Our first date she opened up and told me about her entire life... .divorced three times, two children with two different men.  She was so attentive, beautiful, smart, funny and loving.  Never met anyone like this.  Guess the knight in shining armour kicked in and I though "she has just had some bad luck, I am a good guy and better than her past... .she just needs love".  Three months in she wanted to move in.  I was reluctant but finally agreed.  Everything was great for a few months and then the love stopped.  She explained it was because my divorce was not final and we were not married.  She is very religious... .well when it serves her that is.  After four months she left.  We remained friends and I even chased her until I learned she was having sex with a few different guys which was devastating for me.  I dated a few different people and when ever she heard this she would inevitably show up at my door cry about missing me... .we would have sex and be close for a month maybe and then she would be gone again.  After a couple years of this I knew she was just toxic for me.  I got over it, I healed and I was back to a great life.

Then she started contacting me again... she started texting me over and over claiming that she just wasn't ready for me before and she wanted to try again.  I kept saying NO for 6 months.  She came back to town and we hung out a few times... .boy was that a mistake.  She charmed me right back in to the trap again.  6 months later we were married... .trying to blend two families, each of us with two kids.  She was amazing at the start but life through us some curve balls and we had to move several times in the first year, as well as her daughter was prying the family apart.  She detached from me and we were just roommates.  She refused sex for the last year of our marriage, saying she just didn't feel close to me.  I am not perfect by any means but I am loving, attentive, athletic, handsome, successful man who gets no shortage of attention.  She wouldn't touch me.  It was a two year marriage from hell.  No intimacy, she hid me on her social media and portrayed herself as single for most of our marriage, told me she didn't love me anymore.  She left me twice during the marriage the last time six months ago.  I felt relieved, like I was finally free.  However part of me didn't want a second divorce and I had only just stumbled over BPD online, and a part of me did not want to believe it even though it absolutely fit!  Especially the splitting.  I decided to do the Love Dare for my wife... .I really wanted this to work.  I did 80 days of showing her unconditional love and it was working.  The distance was closing, we were dating and spending time together and she even asked me for the book because she wanted to do it as well.  I thought we were going to make it.  I left for a few weeks on a solo vacation after a very tough year of work.  When I got back I stopped by her place to give her a birthday present to find her shacked up with some guy (not an upgrade)  I was truly gutted on the spot.  That hurt, it was a week before Christmas.  She said she met him while I was gone.  So the religious zealot who had to get married to me and couldn't handle not being married was now in an adulterous relationship while still married... .really?  Her FB was covered in pics of her and her BF and she even took him home to her parents for Christmas.  I am still a little in shock although I don't know why I am surprised.

Anyways that is it... .I am done.  She has hurt me over and over and although I think I am an emotionally healthy person ( or at least I was! haha... .I will come back from this)  and intelligent the feeling of shame I have for letting her do it to me so many times.  I feel like such an idiot.  All our friends know and are very supportive but I do get the odd rib "we kinda tried to warn you"  She has lost a lot of friends over this last escapade.

Well three weeks later with a lot of prayer my pain has become less the anger has become less and I keep letting go a little more everyday.  I work on forgiving her and I do a bit more everyday.  I can't hold bitterness inside on this and must forgive her fully so I can heal.  The shock has become acceptance and I move forward.

I have cut off contact and am just waiting until a divorce can be filed.  The problem now is that even though I told her never to contact me again after a few weeks the texts have started.  Damsel in distress... .car is broken... .I need help with this.  You know.  I have ignored it all but it so hard to turn my back on someone and not help.  I know the only way through this is to stay away.  The most messed up part is I still love her!  What the heck  I don't want to feel that anymore!  I want to be free, I want to heal, I want to get back to being around healthy people and maybe one day find a lady who is truly good for me.  My anger towards her has become pity... .I feel sorry for her and that scares me a bit.  I don't want to do anymore knight in shining armour stuff!  Trying to stay strong and move on.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[livednlearned]

Hi wavelife,



Wow, what a roller coaster. It has to be excruciating to feel played like that and the scene around Christmas with the other guy had to be gut wrenching painful. That you were able to go from anger to pity so quickly is remarkable. How are your kids doing? They must be watching you go through this feeling like their dad is being hurt so badly.

I can relate to your comment about wanting to rescue someone who had just had a bit of bad luck, and figuring you could be better than the last person. My ex was married 2x and it was moth to flame -- I got so much out of being a woman who could love him better than he ever had been.

If you have any trouble getting the divorce finalized, there's a whole board here with people dealing with the same issues. Even if she wants to be divorced, she may obstruct and delay the whole process and drag it out because she wants to be negatively engaged with you. Makes no sense, but it happens.

Glad you found the site. You're not alone!

LnL

[borderdude]

When did you get a feeling of the first red lights? ! I have encountered two of these BPD women, but they always had a negativ mental impact on me early on, enough to engage my self love and abort the attempt before it has gone to far.

[wavelife]

Roller coaster is the word... .just can't figure out why I stayed on it so long.  I guess I have been hurt so many times by this woman that I have learned that the faster I can let go of anger and pain the faster I get back on my feet.   Her life is horrible and the effect it has on her daughter is so sad.  I just pray that she will come to a place where she can see something is wrong and seek help.  I feel great sadness for them.  My kids are good and very caring little people.  As this unfolded I found my daughter writing a letter to my wife telling her that she hurt her dad and is not a nice person.  I told her it would all be ok and to let go of her anger.  She is very protective and can be a little ferocious... in a loving way

[livednlearned]

Roller coaster is the word... .just can't figure out why I stayed on it so long. 

That's the million dollar question! I wish I asked that question when I was younger and figured it out so I could apply what I learned to healthy relationships.

Do you have any thoughts about why you kept going back to her?

[wavelife]

when we were not married I ran the other way after break ups but while married I fought like hell for our marriage.  It became so important to not fail.  My first marriage was great, 16 years together and she is an emotionally healthy woman who I am so thankful is the mother of my kids.  A few life tragedies split that marriage apart.  I love my current wife and did not want to be the guy with two ex wives.  Dumb I guess but our issues seemed so small and trivial that I couldn't understand why we couldn't just fix it. 

That is the scary part is how charming, loving, and alluring she can be.  Must keep zero contact and I keep blocking any attempts to get closer to me.  I found out about BPD and NPD, after we separated 6 months ago.  It fit so well and it was hard to argue but I didn't want to believe it.  I didn't want to accept that this couldn't be fixed and healed.  I have read so much and with the education comes acceptance and also helps me with some of the "I am such an idiot for taking her back". Thoughts in my head.  I am not the only one who has fallen victim... .feel sorry for the guy she is with, a month from now he is going to wish he never met her.

Trying to figure out why I was attracted to her in the first place.  I had a very healthy childhood and was never mistreated.  I have an appointment booked with a therapist to understand what has been going on inside me.  I don't want to be attracted to another person with more issues than me!  Haha

[Pingo]

Hi Wavelife, and welcome!

I'm so sorry for what you've been through!  Coming back from your trip to find her living with someone else?  Wow, that must have been terrible.  I can relate to the feeling like an idiot.  I think in my first post here I called myself a 'fool'.  I indeed felt foolish for marrying a man with whom I had already seen all the red flags. 

Something that helped me tremendously is learning about the 'trauma bond'.  There are some articles on this site about this and also a good book I've read about the subject is 'The betrayal bond' by Patrick Carnes (There's a review on this site).  It helped me understand how an abusive r/s becomes addictive and this helped me find a lot of compassion for myself. 

Good for you for setting up an appointment with a T.  This is crucial in my opinion after leaving such a toxic r/s.  Good luck to you!

[Tim300]

Wavelife,

It's good to be self critical, but it sounds like you might be being too harsh on yourself.  How could you know that the person closest to you would be such a monster, that her family would enable this, etc.?  You didn't know about BPD/NPD.  You did the honorable thing by fighting for your marriage.  Now, you can still love her and pity her in some way, but just do so from an NC distance.  There is definitely no helping this person.  And there's nothing you could have done differently to result in a different outcome here.  Hopefully there are some silver linings here -- like your appreciation for your healthy children and their mother, and your new-found knowledge of mental illness.  Hang in there.  Trust me, with detachment and time you will get healthier (that's what's been happening for me).

[wavelife]

Thank you everyone for your warm words of encouragement 

Pingo, I will look at the articles on trauma bond for sure.

I probably am being a little hard on myself and I may have a tendency to do so.  Easy to do after a ride like that, also easy to get into the "what if I had done this or not done that?" thought pattern.  I know nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome and I do not regret fighting so hard for my marriage.  I learned a lot about love and about strength that I will carry forward with me.  I have also learned that leaning on God has helped me so much and I dread to think where I would be emotionally without that strength.

I look at my two wonderful children and it makes me think hard about what do I need to teach them about mental illness.  Our society, although just starting to let go of the stigmatisms surrounding mental illness we talk about it very little.  We teach our children about their physical health so much... .but mental health?  What if I had the tools to see the train wreck I was on?  I worry about my son.  A bit of a people pleaser and puts everyone else before himself, a bit like dad.  Will he be susceptible to this kind of toxic relationship?  I will take what I have learned from this and do something positive with it... .this I know.

I am a blessed man and tomorrow is a new day and I get a new beginning 

[Tim300]

I look at my two wonderful children and it makes me think hard about what do I need to teach them about mental illness.  Our society, although just starting to let go of the stigmatisms surrounding mental illness we talk about it very little.  We teach our children about their physical health so much... .but mental health?  What if I had the tools to see the train wreck I was on?  I worry about my son.  A bit of a people pleaser and puts everyone else before himself, a bit like dad.  Will he be susceptible to this kind of toxic relationship?  I will take what I have learned from this and do something positive with it... .this I know.

I am with you.  It's amazing that there's not more awareness of BPD in particular (among the mental illnesses out there).  I try to explain it to people, but I think 9/10 simply cannot wrap their heads around the concept or assume that it would be easy to immediately spot a pwBPD, which is certainly not always the case.  If I have kids one day, I will definitely try to explain it to them.  And if I ever, ever have a friend, relative, or even acquaintance who starts telling me about a difficult relationship he/she is in, I am definitely going to probe for BPD.  I had been complaining for some time about my relationship, but even my mother would say things like, "Well, women can be very difficult once a month, just try to hang in there."  People had no idea.  I am so glad to now be a casual expert on PDs, so I can anticipate what I'm up against.