How could a Non stay?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Agent - your story is my story. I did not even know there was an illness called BPD.

As much as we loved them and want to be there for them, we can't fix, rescue or help them. They have to want to do it for themselves, (and then actually do something), and sadly it takes someone way stronger than me to be around for that. Mine had been through some type of therapy I'm sure. She once said how much 'better' she was, but never articulated (and I never asked) exactly what that meant. I can't share my life with someone who is unable to give me the things I need from a relationship in a healthy way, and I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my life in continuing to make sure her needs were met. Because a relationship with a pwBPD is exactly that. We become a slave to their monster soul that has a never ending hunger.

At much as the illness is not their fault, as adults, they do have choices about what they do about it. For most, they do nothing. The burden of 'doing something' usually falls to the more aware non, who is trying desperately to learn new skills and tools so they don't have their soul ripped out. I still care very much for my ex, and have a great deal of compassion for her and the illness, but I can't be there as her partner, and I am struggling to be there as a 'friend' because true friendship is not even possible either.

Choices.  We all have choices and that is the very thing that led me away from the staying board.

I would have went through the darkest of days and the strongest of storms if she had made the choice to seek help.  After much consideration and weighing the pros and cons, I decided that I loved her enough to stand by her even though I knew our love would be on an uneven kilt.  The only contingency I had was that she seek help.  I never pitched this to her nor gave her an ultimatum.  I maintained a friendship with her but as the days went by I was sinking deeper in my despair while she went about her day.  Emotionally it just became too much.  I knew that although she stated she wanted to seek help she wasn't going to.

If she called me up today and said she was going to start counseling I would gladly stand by her side.  Not as a romantic partner at this point but at least someone in her corner.

Her having someone fight for her was so very important to me when in reality, she will always have someone in her corner.  She will always weasel her way into someone elses arms.  She will always seek refuge anywhere she can. Shell do whatever she needs to do to get by, she will always come first.

[Suzn]

A lot of nons, I can't say all, have plenty of issues of their own which in turn makes these relationships perfect storms. Nons, a lot of times, have low self esteem, poor boundaries, little confidence and though, as you say, available, are really emotionally UN-available.

This "syndrome" sometimes comes to mind when I think of the dynamics of these relationships playing out for a non.

Boiling frog syndrome

If you place a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out of the pot. However, if you place a frog in a pot of cold or room temperature water that you heat slowly until it comes to a boil, the frog won’t notice until it’s too late and he eventually boils to death.

From what I've read the frog's metabolism keeps adjusting, when the water reaches warm it's comfortable but it reaches a point when the frogs metabolism is too far gone and it can no longer just jump out.

[Trog]

Fog

Poor boundaries

Lack of self care

Putting others needs above own

care taking


Or to put it another way... .

Codependency

[Deeno02]

Fog

Poor boundaries

Lack of self care

Putting others needs above own

care taking


Or to put it another way... .

Codependency

Ding Ding Ding... .^^^^^^^^

[eyvindr]

Terrific fable, Suzn.

Boiling frog syndrome

If you place a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out of the pot. However, if you place a frog in a pot of cold or room temperature water that you heat slowly until it comes to a boil, the frog won’t notice until it’s too late and he eventually boils to death.

From what I've read the frog's metabolism keeps adjusting, when the water reaches warm it's comfortable but it reaches a point when the frogs metabolism is too far gone and it can no longer just jump out.

The longer I stayed, even though I was aware, the more I adapted to the varying levels of dysfunction. Of course it wasn't all bad -- if it had been, leaving (for me) would have been a no-brainer. It was the extremes of good that kept me in a state of hope that the extremes of bad could be overcome. In the end, after much time, I had to just learn the lessons of my experience being in a r-ship with her for 3 yrs -- which was pretty simple, because my ex's behavior was  nothing if not damned consistent -- consistently emotionally volatile. The good would never outweight the bad. At best, it would be 50/50. And she thought that was a reasonable ratio. I don't, so I left. It is a choice -- which my ex also used to argue with me about, insisting that there were no choices with "true love" -- the whole soulmate magical thinking trip. I lived with all of it until I couldn't anymore. That's the simple truth.

[Trog]

Whoever was first to find this fact about frogs... .I bet they had BPD.

[eyvindr]

Agent_of_Chaos and parisian --

Both of your descriptions here resonate with me:

As much as we loved them and want to be there for them, we can't fix, rescue or help them. They have to want to do it for themselves, (and then actually do something), and sadly it takes someone way stronger than me to be around for that. Mine had been through some type of therapy I'm sure. She once said how much 'better' she was, but never articulated (and I never asked) exactly what that meant. I can't share my life with someone who is unable to give me the things I need from a relationship in a healthy way, and I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my life in continuing to make sure her needs were met. Because a relationship with a pwBPD is exactly that. We become a slave to their monster soul that has a never ending hunger.

At much as the illness is not their fault, as adults, they do have choices about what they do about it. For most, they do nothing. The burden of 'doing something' usually falls to the more aware non, who is trying desperately to learn new skills and tools so they don't have their soul ripped out. I still care very much for my ex, and have a great deal of compassion for her and the illness, but I can't be there as her partner, and I am struggling to be there as a 'friend' because true friendship is not even possible either.

Choices.  We all have choices and that is the very thing that led me away from the staying board.

I would have went through the darkest of days and the strongest of storms if she had made the choice to seek help.  After much consideration and weighing the pros and cons, I decided that I loved her enough to stand by her even though I knew our love would be on an uneven kilt.  The only contingency I had was that she seek help... .

As sad as I am to have lost the romantic relationship with my ex, I think I'm more saddened by the loss of the friendship that we could have had. Though, I've realized that what I'm sad about is not being able to be that great friend to her that she really needs and doesn't have, because most people aren't as patient as I am, and she won't let most people get close to her. I know she really loved me, but the BPD made being in a relationship impossible for me, because of the continual emotional ups and downs. So I chose to leave.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.

[Conundrum]

We respond to these questions via lenses of trauma. Where we fall on the trauma scale influences our replies. Sinners and Saints, with relational expiry dates. Children corrupted through the malfeasance of adults--inheriting generational horrors as the cyclone twirls.

When the blue and red pill reflect the same underlying reality, it is both dream and nightmare.

We love the dream but hate the nightmare.

All within the same human-being.

[Deeno02]

I guess to answer the question, because I loved her. Thats why. I was a drone by then.