Thought I'd be ok once the divorce was final...

[SpringInMyStep]

Hi. I haven't been on this board much lately. My divorce was recently final and I really thought that once that happened, I'd be fine. Apparently not.

I'm still holding so much anger towards her. I'm not sure what to do. My therapist is good but then she doesn't really 100% understand what I'm going through. She constantly asks how I'm going to avoid getting involved with someone like this again and I keep telling her I'm not. That's not my concern. My concern is how to recover from the relationship that I was already in! And sometimes she seems to be trying hard to stay awake during my appointments and I feel like I'm boring her or something. Or she's overworked. But that's not my problem!

Also I have friends who listened to me through this whole thing but I think they're all tired of hearing about it. Or they really don't understand what i'm going through. I really don't talk about it all the time anymore now that there's no immediate crisis but I'm having a hard time and I don't think they realize how much.

Then I feel bad about coming here to ramble on about my stupid problems when I'm already out of the relationship and there are so many people here who are deep in the middle of it and need more help than I do. I feel bad taking up space here.

Just this week, my ex has succeeded in alienating our mutual friend. This person is her ex and I've stayed friends with her. So my ex tried to put that friend in the middle during our divorce and the friend tried to set boundaries, saying she was not able to be in the middle of it. The friend is autistic and she has her own family history of emotional abuse and therefore has very valid reasons for not wanting to get in the middle of our situation. I've been very good about respecting my friend's boundaries, but my ex has not. She has really upset the friend to the point that I don't think they're friends anymore. I'm so angry at my ex for doing this to my friend. How can she make everything about her?

I'm mad at myself for being involved with my ex in the first place. She will not to this day admit that she has BPD and gets mad if anyone criticizes her "lifestyle choices" as she puts it. I'm so disgusted that I was involved with her. We live somewhat in the same neighborhood and I'm afraid to go out because I might run into her and I honestly don't know what I'd do if I saw her. So I stay home a lot and sit around and I've gained weight and become a total homebody and I don't know how to get out of this. I mean I'm sort of a homebody anyway, but I feel like I'm going to lose all of my friends if I don't start accepting invitations. They're going to stop asking me if I never say yes.

I just sit here and don't know what to do. I'm sorry this was so long and rambling.

[power thru]

The way you feel is natural. Everyone heals at different rates. I was emotionally checked out of my marriage long before I filed for divorce so the anger phase for me was short. I more or less just feel sorry for her at this point but other than that, I really don't think about her all that much.

My advice to you is that you are going to have to get over the fear of running into her in public. It will happen eventually and when it does, you can choose to ignore her and go the other way or just leave and go someplace else. I used to be afraid of that as well and like you, chose to stay home. The problem with staying home is that now you have nothing but time to think about how horrible she is/was to you and it never seems to end. If you keep yourself active and stay on the go, you will no longer have time to think about her. Time heals all and eventually you will stop being mad.

Keep busy, join a gym, take college classes, go to the movies, take a trip out of town. There are tons of things you can do to redirect your attention... .you just have to take that hard step and do it.

Best of luck to you.

[willtimeheal]

From what you have said it, I would look for a new therapist. Your therapist should be focused on your healing and rebuilding who you are. Sometimes you need to shop around for a therapist before You find a match. I went  through three until I found one that I liked and was comfortable with.

It is tough to break through the "rut." I agree with power thru you need to start getting out and doing things.  Start slow and continue to build on it. Force yourself if you have to but you have to reengage in life. Anger is natural and it is good use it as a driving force to push you forward. Hang in there.

[SpringInMyStep]

thanks you guys. I feel like do need to push myself to do something, I'm just not sure what I wanna do. it's like i'm figuring out who I am all over again. It's so easy to just stay home on the weekends.

I think you're right about finding a new therapist. I'm going to work on that.