Broke NC tonight after what was a very painful night before

[Ripped Heart]

Was awake most of Saturday night in so much emotional pain. It was crippling and as much as I wanted to cry, I couldn't.

For those who have read my previous posts, my T and I discovered last week that I have issues around anger in that I repress it because I was never given the opportunity to express it. Anger for me growing up was a dirty word, and any expression was usually projected back at me as guilt or invalidate my feelings. So I've spent most of my adult life being passive, pleasing others, tending to everybody elses needs and just getting on with things. The assignment my T set me last week was to write a letter to my mother and let all of that hurt and anger out. The letter wouldn't be sent to my mother but my T would read it and we would work through it. A kind of release of all that emotional pain held for so many years.

Given the pain I've had all through last night, I set to my task this morning and wrote. There is so much I have kept inside and it all came out on paper. When I read through it once I finished, it started with me being quite apologetic for being angry, as if I was still sorry for being angry. As it progressed, the guilt subsided and I didn't hold back. It felt very theraputic to get it all down on paper.

Once that was released, I turned my attentions to what is going on with BPDgf and I felt I had to write her an email. I had to express my feelings, that I deserve to be treated like a human, that I have wants, needs and desires and put together a list of them. I said that I'm worth more than putting on a shelf and being used as an emotional tampon when she is down or upset but ignored when she feels good about herself. I asked if there was ever any consideration to how I felt and that maybe I'm in pain too. My wants and needs are based around love, communication, trust and respect.

I finished it off by saying that my boundaries are firmly set, that I won't back down or compromise on my wants as most of them are mutual in terms of giving and receiving and that most important of all is communication. I also stated that I'm not going to put my life on hold in case something better doesn't come up and that if she feels she doesn't want to be a part of this then the door is closed. I reminded her that nobody has abandoned her and I've done my very best to support her and cater for her needs without any consideration of my own needs, she is the one who has abandoned herself and those around her, I'm just the person closing the door.

At the very end I said I will always care and that I hope one day she finds the happiness she is searching for.

Do I want her to be on board? of course I do. Do I think she is capable? No, I don't. And that is the most heart breaking thing of all because deep down I do believe she wants to but she knows too that she isn't capable.

I'm still very much in the undecided camp right now for reasons I've explained before but remembering what my old T taught me after the split from exN/BPDw, every time you feel like you want to go back, remember the emotional pain you are feeling right now and ask yourself whether it's worth going through that again.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry you are going through so much pain.   It is heartbreaking to realize that some of the simple things we want may not be possible from our pwBPD. This is especially devastating for a person who has been a people pleaser most of their life. 

Did you send the email to her?  Did writing the email for her help you in the same way writing the letter to your mother did?

[Ripped Heart]

Thank you eagles 

However, I'm learning that I need to embrace this pain and work through it. Things are so difficult right now and my heart truly does go out for her. She isn't a nasty person but she has done some hurtful things. I'm equally as bad because I've sheltered that responsibility from her instead of holding her accountable.

As I'm working through releasing the anger, and also with the help of some amazing people on here, things are starting to shift into focus. I did send the email to her because I don't think I've been clear on my wants and needs (something patientandclear has pulled me up on many times   ) so I felt I had to be direct and that there was no misunderstanding as to what I want and what I need. I just need to be strong in myself to keep that conviction and accept that what I truly want might never be possible.

Had she been abusive, constantly nasty and such throughout the relationship, I would be asking very different questions about myself now. My exN/BPDw was such a person and I kept going back for more abuse. BPDgf is completely different, she just has her moments but she is such a loving and wonderful person when she wants to be and it's those parts I shall miss.

It did help to write that email because after I was able to cry and release that sadness. There was so much I wanted to say but I've been fearful of accepting the truth that she knows she isn't capable and that by expressing what I truly want is effectively killing the relationship. I was afraid to let go so instead, put my focus on her needs and ignoring my own. I felt tonight I was at a stage where I needed to express my wants and needs and should this relationship be over, then it's for the best. Should she decide that it is what she wants, then there is a lot of work needed and I will support her but what I will no longer do is suppress any anger or my own feelings in order to keep things peaceful and avoid conflict even if that does mean the end.

I think a lot of the pain is down to my emotions catching up with the logic and seeing everything for what it is and what needs to be done. 7 blocked calls since I sent the email and then a response, "Sent home early from work, got a chest infection. Very ill right now xx"

And that is exactly what I mean, no acknowledgement of how I feel or anything I have to say. It's moments like that where I understand my relationship with her because it is most certainly my mother.

[EaglesJuju]

I can relate to what you are going through.  I sent a similar email to my bf awhile ago, that directly expressed my wants, needs, and expectations. I felt a huge release after sending it. 

Regardless of defense mechanisms, the lack of acknowledgement of your feelings really hurts.

Keep focusing on yourself.  I know it is hard to finally put yourself first, remember you are important too.

[hope2727]

Hi guys. I have debating a similar email to my ex-fiance. Did it make you feel better? Did your pwBPD respond? Did you feel less angry? Did you feel less hurt?

[123Phoebe]

Ripped Heart, that pain you're feeling is excruciating, I've been there.  Coming to terms with my relationship with my mom while trying to come to terms with my relationship with my partner, sorting out my relationship with my exh, my dad, my sister, various friendships... . all of it.  It's a mind field of our own emotions.  I've laid them on my partner (early on), when I was feeling at my lowest, wanting some kind of acknowledgment from him.

7 blocked calls since I sent the email and then a response, "Sent home early from work, got a chest infection. Very ill right now xx"

Something I learned was to not send him emails when he's at work.  It wasn't fair to him to lay my heavy emotions on him while he's working.  I wouldn't like getting emotional emails while I'm at work, either.  He also tried to call me and I wouldn't answer his calls.  How could I then tell myself that he doesn't care IF I wouldn't let him have his say?  Hear him out?

Big discussions are better left for in-person communication, at least for us.  That way there's eye contact, tone of voice, various ways we communicate other than written words.  A lot can be lost in translation/interpretation, and unfortunately for the worst.

This stuff is hard hard hard and of course your wants and needs matter   There's a time and place for all of it to be expressed, it's just sometimes better or easier (for everyone involved), to do so lightly, incrementally, with a true desire for positive change with strength backing it up.

If you sent the email to simply get your feelings out on the table with a sense of closure behind them, fine.

And that is exactly what I mean, no acknowledgement of how I feel or anything I have to say. It's moments like that where I understand my relationship with her because it is most certainly my mother.

If you sent the email for her to acknowledge your feelings, I'm going to be honest... .they're too heavy for her.  Especially when she doesn't have a way to communicate them back other than email, I'm presuming.

If you're looking for healthy communication, it needs to be offered.  It takes two.

[Ripped Heart]

123phoebe,

What you have written makes a lot of sense. However, it wasn't my intention to send it whilst she was at work, usually she works either in the morning or in the afternoon, very rarely on a night shift and the conversations I had with her earlier in the week, there was no mention of her working any nights, it was all morning shifts. Had I known, I might have delayed it, though here is part of the problem, trying to get any form of communication with her right now is like getting blood out of a stone.

Big discussions in person is definitely the way to go but every opportunity I've had lately has been blocked, making this really difficult and limiting me down to either email or text message. When I've expressed about doing something in person, something usually comes up for her as to why she can't. I feel I'm limited to how I can communicate and that makes it extremely difficult to lay cards out on the table.

[123Phoebe]

123phoebe,

What you have written makes a lot of sense. However, it wasn't my intention to send it whilst she was at work, usually she works either in the morning or in the afternoon, very rarely on a night shift and the conversations I had with her earlier in the week, there was no mention of her working any nights, it was all morning shifts. Had I known, I might have delayed it, though here is part of the problem, trying to get any form of communication with her right now is like getting blood out of a stone.

Big discussions in person is definitely the way to go but every opportunity I've had lately has been blocked, making this really difficult and limiting me down to either email or text message. When I've expressed about doing something in person, something usually comes up for her as to why she can't. I feel I'm limited to how I can communicate and that makes it extremely difficult to lay cards out on the table.

If big discussions are being blocked, then does that in itself tell you something?

I know it feels as though all of these emotions need somewhere to go. Sitting with those feelings, all of them, not doing anything with them other than feeling them is where they need to be; with you, through you.  

^^That^^ is where we find our strength.  It takes time and sometimes lots of it, that and patience with ourselves

[patientandclear]

You keep reporting remarkable insights and growth, Ripped.  You are on the personal growth expressway!

In keeping with one of my themes, let me say that I think you are still being confusing toward her.  You told her some important, deep things.  Not sure I agree with Phoebe that it was too much for her, or if it is, not sure that is a problem.  Sometimes you need to say what you need to say.

But to me, saying it while keeping her blocked as an asymmetrical control-driven arrangement.  You can talk but she cannot?  Or you decide the channels through which talking can occur?  That doesn't seem right to me.

I get it that you needed time and space, and per your earlier post here, you explained that to her.  But presumably NC goes both ways.  You reached out & told her important things.  If you're going to do that, to me, it's incumbent on you not to have her blocked on whatever channels she might feel would work best to communicate back.

That would be different if you had reached final conclusions or were trying to conclusively end an abusive dynamic.  But that isn't your frame of mind, per your posts on this thread.  You are still undecided and not planning to cut off all involvement or contact at this point.

In which case, I'd work to align your actions with your actions, if that makes sense.  If you're talking, let her talk.  If you need space, let her know that, but try not to asymmetrically engage her while you're taking that space, and then shut her down if she tries to engage also.

[Ripped Heart]

You both make some compelling arguments which I can definitely see.

Turns out, it wasn't too much for her, because I got a response to my email, it just said "ok" It's this which drives me up the wall because I don;t know what "ok" means. "Ok, I understand" or "ok, I take your feelings onboard" or "ok, I accept what you have to say"

As for blocking off all communication, I only blocked off texts and phone calls, she was still able to respond to emails but I do get your point. However, that backfired a little because I unblocked the number again and did get a phone call from her this morning to let me know what she has been up to today. Not a single mention of anything from yesterday and it was just like carry on as normal.

I think this is why I get so confused and tie myself up in knots because if I open up, what I get back is like nothing has happened or been said.

[123Phoebe]

Turns out, it wasn't too much for her, because I got a response to my email, it just said "ok"

because I unblocked the number again and did get a phone call from her this morning to let me know what she has been up to today. Not a single mention of anything from yesterday and it was just like carry on as normal.

I think this is why I get so confused and tie myself up in knots because if I open up, what I get back is like nothing has happened or been said.

I'll say it again... .  Your emotions are too heavy for her.  Shoot, they sound pretty heavy for you to handle right now! 

[Ripped Heart]

Phoebe, I think you are right. They are very difficult to handle for both of us and I think my email out to her yesterday was more for my benefit than hers so I shouldn't have expectations of a normal response to them.

Instead, I try and interpret the signs given what I've learned along the way. The fact that she reaches out at all speaks words too. It isn't what I want or need right now but it's her way of reaching out. I need to work on being more accepting of that and as for myself, those emotions are very heavy to handle because I've allowed them to build up and store over time in order not to upset the balance and to avoid any conflict. I put myself through pain so others don't suffer so last night was more of a release for me. I had to get those feelings off my chest.

It was also an opportunity to start to lay the foundations for boundaries and identify my own limitations as I do feel I'm being unfair on her by not being clear. As PatientandClear says, it can be confusing for her, it has to be because I know it's confusing for me too. I'm at a point where I'm struggling because I'm reaching my limitations but at the same time, I don't want to give up on her so I'm in a state of being torn, hence the name. My heart is breaking but it still belongs to her.

[patientandclear]

With pwBPD, often, I've found that information not immediately responded to IS taken on board and far down the line you will see it surface -- for better or for worse.

If after sending that email you got an "OK" and a normalizing response that isn't blasting you or leaving you before you can leave her, etc., I'd call that a huge success. Seriously.

[Jo-Marie]

I feel for you, Ripped Heart   .   I'm on this board too, as I am hoping that my BPDexbf will change, which he has promised he is working on, though we are now separated and NC for a week.

What I would say is that your heart belongs to you  . 

My BPDexbf said to me, that his heart belongs to me and he meant it.  But with that came the idea that he had "entrusted" his heart to me and that therefore I had a duty to look after it, which, not being a miraculous ideal mind-reading person, I "failed" to do. 

I love him, but my heart belongs to me, and all the feelings it generates, and I am responsible for its well-being.

[123Phoebe]

What I would say is that your heart belongs to you  . 

Wouldn't it be neat to easily accept that the way we're used to doing things in a relationship, simply don't work in this one?  If we can accept this, then the rest will become clearer.  There are tools available right here on this website to help guide us along... .

Until the relationship gets on more solid ground, it is essential that we stick to our words, no wishy-washiness. 

Since you told her you were going NC for a few days, blocked her, the whole 9 yards, then sticking to your word would actually help to build trust in the relationship.  3 days NC means 3 days NC.  It's hard sticking to our own boundaries!  All the while expecting our SO's to understand them, acknowledge them, while validating our feelings in the process.

If I don't understand my own boundaries, acknowledge to myself why I'm making them in the first place and validate myself for having good reason to do so... .  Well, I can't expect SO to understand them either.

Turns out, it wasn't too much for her, because I got a response to my email, it just said "ok" It's this which drives me up the wall because I don;t know what "ok" means. "Ok, I understand" or "ok, I take your feelings onboard" or "ok, I accept what you have to say"

Maybe "ok" means all of it.  Maybe "ok" doesn't mean any of it.  Maybe she meant some of it.  Maybe her actions will tell you what she meant and if it's something you can live with and accept, then great! 

I just know that I cannot expect my partner to do things the way I want them done, when I want them done or how I want them done.  He does things his way and so far his way is WAY better than I could have ever imagined... .

I hope you can say the same about yours some day

It starts with taking care of you!  Sit with those intense feelings, they're talking to you, listen to them.  They're separate from your gf's, they are your feelings.