What do we do about the relatives of our BPD partner after a divorce?

[Melted52]

Hi everyone... .I've run into a situation whereby I'd like some thoughts from others.

I left my BPD husband about 5-1/2 weeks ago. Within that time, his sister had been supportive and kind towards me. She and I never discussed my relationship with her brother. She only knew that we were having some difficulties. Tonight however, I received a message from her.  She said that she could tell that I am sad, because of some quoted texts I posted in facebook. She told me that this made her feel awkward, and she hopes that I will understand if she doesn't communicate with me anymore. I have never discussed in any way, her brother or our marriage. 

This is what I would like some input, please.  First, why do you think that she has changed her mind now? Second, is it really necessary to lose our spouses family because of a divorce?

Thanks for whatever advice anyone may have to offer. I am quite sad tonight because of this.

[Infern0]

You don't know what your spouse has told her. Most likely they haven't painted you in a good light. They need you to be the bad guy.

Blood is thicker than water.

In my opinion you should respect the relatives boundaries. It's ultimately their decision and to be honest keeping in contact at this stage will only make your detachment more difficult.

Breaking up with a BPD is like coming off Heroin, think of their friends and relatives as the drug paraphernalia. If you are going to heal, it's best to get rid of everything.

That's not to say that you can't reconnect down the line, but for right now i'd leave them and concentrate on your friends and your family.

[neverloveagain]

Its another hard thing about a BPD break up my waif lived at her grand parents most of her life as her parents split when she was young and abandoned her. They were genuine kind caring people treated me like family. So when our end came i lost her, her family, the dogs and a life i knew, nc is the only way to heal in my eyes and that means with all the exs family and friends it sucks but its like they all died in a crash in my mind even though they are only 5 miles down the road.  Take care of yourself and try to stay nc it limits damaging experiences in the future.

[Trog]

My exes relatives take her side completely, my ex is a master manipulator, she'll outright lie to make sure everyone is in her court. I have them up a long time ago. They are also invested in her story and seem to believe regardless of all the abuse and pain I go thru I should still be there for the ex. Truth is, I have them a few years to draw breath from dealing with their unwell sibling and they're annoyed she is now their 'burden' again.

Let them go, lots of people in the world, these are false friends

[jhkbuzz]

You don't know what your spouse has told her. Most likely they haven't painted you in a good light. They need you to be the bad guy.

Blood is thicker than water.

In my opinion you should respect the relatives boundaries. It's ultimately their decision and to be honest keeping in contact at this stage will only make your detachment more difficult.

Breaking up with a BPD is like coming off Heroin, think of their friends and relatives as the drug paraphernalia. If you are going to heal, it's best to get rid of everything.

That's not to say that you can't reconnect down the line, but for right now i'd leave them and concentrate on your friends and your family.

Wow... .now THERE'S a thought... .

[enlighten me]

I get on well with my ex wifes mum and brother. Exw and bil didnt get on and I tried to mend briges between them. Mil asks my advice on dealing with exw and agrees she most likely has BPD. As I have sons with exw I try and keep all lines of information open to me. It has proved very useful.

[hergestridge]

I did not expect ex-wife's parents to maintain contact with me after we broke up, but they really wanted to. It's been 20 years and there are grandchildren after all. They have both been painted black and been "victims" themselves, years before I was, so I guess they understand completely what is going on although they don't know about BPD from a clinical perspective.

They are not disrespectful towards their daughter in any way, but they are clearly too wise to take her side or believe any crap she tells them.

I always thought that (especially my wife's mother) was a bit cruel and selfish when she did not give the least consideration of who her daughter had fell out with or not, just being chatty and making friends with whoever she found friendly. Now I understand completely. Of course she could not let her daughter's jealous whims run her life and she did just the right thing.

I am actually mildly uncomfortable with keeping in touch with them (my wife's parents), because I think I wouldn't like it my wife was chatty with my parents. But she is not fortunately... .

[Melted52]

Thank you for the advice. It actually ended up unfolding on it's own, as things have a way of doing. I simply wrote back to her. I told her that I understand, and that I wished things could be different. I also told her that I had grown quite fond of herself, her husband and grandkids, etc. Last, I thanked her for her honesty.  I'm guessing that my ex and she had a conversation, and that I am painted black. I still feel as if I have closure with his sister, and it helped.