Split behavior and self awareness encounter

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

    Today I wanted to share an experience with everyone here that's been posting about behaviors and such. I wanted to share something that happened to me last night. Feel free to chime in. Before I start I just wanted to say I'm fine and don't feel set back. I guess I'm used to it.

I have a child with my expwBPD. I don't know if anyone remembers but I was with get for 4 years before she jumped. We still have LC, as it is I possible to NC. She is in total idealization phase with new guy, but r/s isnt "official" and is long distance.

I go to drop my son off last night, I received a sexual text before I arrived. I saw this coming as she had been contacting me more and more about random things. I decided "what the hell, why not?" Long story short, we tried... .It was strange. Afterwards we laid there talking about it, and she decides to start talking about replacement (in a good way, still in idealization mode). She tells me all about him (his likes and hobbies are same as mine... Go figure), and asks me a out my dating life, our past, etc. I think she may have been shocked at the level of my detatchment.

THEN... .We got into a convo about our "feelings". I just told her that part of me will always love her, and that when she isn't dyregulating or manic, she's very fun and pleasant to be around (which is true). She told me she KNEW that if she asked me back, I would. This is where is gets off the tracks. I asked her if she was honest with herself, what did she think I would honestly say in that situation. She replied,"you wouldn't unless I was in therapy". Yup. She said she knew she is messed up, and that she needed help. I agreed.

Im not sure what triggered her at this point, but this is where she started hardcore devaluing me. She said things like "I don't love you anymore" "we have no connection" "if I wrote you off and never talked to you again or never saw you I would be fine" "I was done way before our rationship ended" etc.  It stung a bit. But my own level of self awareness kept me in check. I simply stated to her, "These things you are saying are hurtful, I'm glad you are happy with replacement, but I don't understand why you feel the need to stab me with pins and needles. These statements are untrue, and we will always have a connection... .I think you just don't like it and/or are scared of it. I'm not mad, but you also are with someone who feels like they are the world to you, but that doesn't mean I have to be the bad guy."

This is the shocking part to me. She said "it's my black and white thinking". She got up to use the bathroom at that point. I replied with "I won't come here and be beaten I to the ground, i never did anything to you". She came back in like a complete different person. She gave me a hug and said "I'm pushing you away. I don't mean these things, but I feel them. I know that I could wake up a month from now and be totally in love with you again, and completely believe it like none of this "bad" ever happened, I'm sorry for being rude I won't be". At this point i thanked her for trying to be aware and left.

So in retrospect guys, at least in my experience, it seems like the one they hold dearest are the ones who get the blackest split. The only thing I can gather from that is that the ones who have the potential to hurt them most, or if you were close... .They will fight tooth and nail to keep you at arms length, even if they don't want to. I was shocked that she finally displayed some awareness, but at the same time I was happy. I don't really wanna see her continue down a dark path. Makes me nervous a little bit, as her pendulum seems to be rapidly swinging back and forth. I've never seen such idealization and devaluation in such a short period. But I'm okay. I'm not messed up over it. I'm not hurt or pining. Yes I care about her. But my life has greatly improved. I do miss her at times, but the world spins. You can spin with it or waste your time standing still scratching your head. I dunno. The up and down behavior intrigues me I guess. I know every situation/person is unique, but I just wanted to share.

[mrshambles]

Hello everyone,

    Today I wanted to share an experience with everyone here that's been posting about behaviors and such. I wanted to share something that happened to me last night. Feel free to chime in. Before I start I just wanted to say I'm fine and don't feel set back. I guess I'm used to it.

I have a child with my expwBPD. I don't know if anyone remembers but I was with get for 4 years before she jumped. We still have LC, as it is I possible to NC. She is in total idealization phase with new guy, but r/s isnt "official" and is long distance.

I go to drop my son off last night, I received a sexual text before I arrived. I saw this coming as she had been contacting me more and more about random things. I decided "what the hell, why not?" Long story short, we tried... .It was strange. Afterwards we laid there talking about it, and she decides to start talking about replacement (in a good way, still in idealization mode). She tells me all about him (his likes and hobbies are same as mine... Go figure), and asks me a out my dating life, our past, etc. I think she may have been shocked at the level of my detatchment.

THEN... .We got into a convo about our "feelings". I just told her that part of me will always love her, and that when she isn't dyregulating or manic, she's very fun and pleasant to be around (which is true). She told me she KNEW that if she asked me back, I would. This is where is gets off the tracks. I asked her if she was honest with herself, what did she think I would honestly say in that situation. She replied,"you wouldn't unless I was in therapy". Yup. She said she knew she is messed up, and that she needed help. I agreed.

Im not sure what triggered her at this point, but this is where she started hardcore devaluing me. She said things like "I don't love you anymore" "we have no connection" "if I wrote you off and never talked to you again or never saw you I would be fine" "I was done way before our rationship ended" etc.  It stung a bit. But my own level of self awareness kept me in check. I simply stated to her, "These things you are saying are hurtful, I'm glad you are happy with replacement, but I don't understand why you feel the need to stab me with pins and needles. These statements are untrue, and we will always have a connection... .I think you just don't like it and/or are scared of it. I'm not mad, but you also are with someone who feels like they are the world to you, but that doesn't mean I have to be the bad guy."

This is the shocking part to me. She said "it's my black and white thinking". She got up to use the bathroom at that point. I replied with "I won't come here and be beaten I to the ground, i never did anything to you". She came back in like a complete different person. She gave me a hug and said "I'm pushing you away. I don't mean these things, but I feel them. I know that I could wake up a month from now and be totally in love with you again, and completely believe it like none of this "bad" ever happened, I'm sorry for being rude I won't be". At this point i thanked her for trying to be aware and left.

So in retrospect guys, at least in my experience, it seems like the one they hold dearest are the ones who get the blackest split. The only thing I can gather from that is that the ones who have the potential to hurt them most, or if you were close... .They will fight tooth and nail to keep you at arms length, even if they don't want to. I was shocked that she finally displayed some awareness, but at the same time I was happy. I don't really wanna see her continue down a dark path. Makes me nervous a little bit, as her pendulum seems to be rapidly swinging back and forth. I've never seen such idealization and devaluation in such a short period. But I'm okay. I'm not messed up over it. I'm not hurt or pining. Yes I care about her. But my life has greatly improved. I do miss her at times, but the world spins. You can spin with it or waste your time standing still scratching your head. I dunno. The up and down behavior intrigues me I guess. I know every situation/person is unique, but I just wanted to share.

[enlighten me]

My ex must really have loved me then as she treat me like crap .

Thanks for sharing this as it is something I have pondered. How much did I mean to her only she can answer.

[mrshambles]

Haha I dunno man. Everyone is different. But I've NEVER seen her own up to her behavior. It was weird watching her. I could see her physically battling in her mind as the words were flowing out of her mouth.

[mrshambles]

If you read this Mutt. Your insight would be nice. You always seem so wise.

[enlighten me]

I have to admit at the time I didnt have a clue what was going on. Now I can see how her guilt and shame played a part in her push pull behaviour. My exgf told me she would like to be able to look at me and not hate me. As I had done nothing to be hated I was confused. I now see that she hated me as I reminded her of all the bad things she did to me. How my presence wss a constant reminder of who she really was. A liar, a cheat, someone who she didnt want to be but was. I have never had anything from either of my exs that showed self awareness and gave answers like what yours did. It seems you meant a lot to her and for them to even try and open up is huge.

[mrshambles]

Maybe. I dunno. I'm taking to some women now. Nothing serious. But it's so nice to be taking to people who are normal. Don't get me wrong, I love my ex, she is the mother of my child. But I knew before the R/s ended that she had BPD. And it's a scary thing to wake up in the morning wondering is the they are going to love you that day or not. I know if this r/s of hers fails... .She will be on it like white on rice. She's shown that. But do I want that? I think as nons that is that most detrimental part. She seems so awesome. I realize I was drawn to her for a reason. But to me, and this may be crap, there are parts of herself buried that come out once in a while. And that person is so awesome. I wish she wasn't shattered. I feel so much pity for her that she went through hell and became fragmented. I'm not FOG. I just feel for her I guess cause no one should have to live/love like that.

[enlighten me]

I know exactly how you feel. I have children with both my uBPD exs. I could never get back with either of them but it doesnt stop part of me from still loving them and wishing they could be made whole. I would stand by them as a friend if they decided to get therapy and support them through it but it would never happen. Such a sad existence. To have been so loved. Not just by me but by their other partners and to have thrown it all away believing they werent loved or didnt deserve it.

[JRT]

Man! That story should be a case study for BPD! I hope that something good becomes of your situation.

[mrshambles]

Honestly? I hope she gets some help. I truly do not wanna watch her crash and burn. That's the thing. I KNOW im okay. But just watching that back and forth in the matter of a mere 2 hours. I couldn't imagine. Maybe I have some savior left in me. I dunno. It's hard to watch a child drowning no? Grasping for anything nearest to them to save their life... .When all they have to do is stop thrashing and float on their own... .

[JRT]

 I find it wild that she is able to oscillate between BPD and lucid thinking almost in the same sentence. I mean, many BPD's go through an entire life and are unable to even recognize a problem let alone call attention to their BPD behavior after the fact (JUST after the fact).

[downwhim]

This is amazing. It all played out in front of you. She owned up to her delusions. I wish mine could have done that. You stayed so cool. You asked the right questions without her going into a rage... .

[mrshambles]

Not so much rage. She tried to throw replacement in my face. But she knows I know better. My T thinks she is fixing to start an acute downward spiral. Aka the pendulum is going to speed up rather quickly. I think that when you stare into the true face, and they KNOW they can't fake anymore, and they know manipulation and etc can't phase you, maybe some

Of the truth comes out. I also know I have my own issues, and she knows that as well. So maybe she feels comfortable shedding her skin due to that fact. Her ex before me (6 month r/s) are best friends. He is bipolar. So maybe it's a birds of a feather flock together type thing. No clue. All I known is that she can say/do as she wishes. It's her life. But maybe she recognizes I can no longer be controlled. So she has given up trying. I'm an alpha male. And

Don't get me wrong. There was point she brought me to my knees. But she can't anymore. She needs me to grasp to maintain control. I no longer have the desire to grasp. She recognizes that. Maybe along the lines of how a narc controls them. Except I'm not a narc. Just someone who cares, but knows where the line is, and not to cross it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey shambles-

First, as you mention, she showed some very good awareness regarding black and white thinking, the comment

"I don't mean these things, but I feel them"

shows awareness that feelings are facts, and

"I know that I could wake up a month from now and be totally in love with you again, and completely believe it like none of this "bad" ever happened"

shows an unstable sense of self and the perceptions that come with it.  Good awareness overall, is she getting professional help already?  Also, very good of you to hold it together and keep your own feet on the ground as she dysregulated.

Im not sure what triggered her at this point, but this is where she started hardcore devaluing me.

By making getting back with her conditional, you would only do it if she was in therapy, makes her feel deficient, not good enough the way she is, followed by shame, and ultimately the message is if she doesn't get her sht together you will leave, the threat of abandonment, the kryptonite for a borderline.  That's what triggered her, black and white showed up, and off to the races she went, beating you up.

[Leaving]

She's projecting, projecting, projecting. 

Ugggh.  I know it's hard to listen to and not feel compelled to defend yourself but always keep in mind that you can't reason with an unreasonable person who is writing their own life script in the moment.  Took me a long time to realize that.

It's best not to remind them of their illness.  Referring to dysregulation or other labels like manic are interpreted as ' name calling' and threaten them which most likely led to her escalation and projection.  If you have a friend or loved one in a wheel chair, you wouldn't tell them that you could love them more if they were not disabled and crippled, right?  Dealing with a mentally ill person requires immense self control, maturity and you can't allow your ego to get involved.  Just keep things simple and to the point.

[mrshambles]

Yeah i know :s I've been researching this for the last 2 years of our r/s. Thing is... .She knows she has problems. She knows that I know that. The devaluing started before the statement was made. She openly talks about how she knows she has problems. And me saying that I would only date her again wasn't a stab, just a boundary. If she feels threatened by that, so be it. That's a boundary I won't give up just for the sake of her feeling "better about herself". I'm not looking to sneak in. Besides, she isnt going to feel abandoned by me, she has replacement to smooth. It's a cat and mouse game at this point ( to her ) but I think

Where is struggling is she tried viewing me as a mouse, and recognized me as a panther. That makes her grasp, if even a little. I honestly think there is more to her than just BPD. I read things on here and yes, some of it sounds spot on. Point is, I asked for feedback and I highky value it. I really do, and I thank you guys for it and hope more rolls in. But her and I are past the point of "hurt feelings and he said she said", she knows I know who she is. She knows she can't play the same game of battleship. I think she is trying to figure now to manage it while also playing battleship with another. She has one sucked in that she knows will always be her validater. I think she may be trying to figure out where to put me on her shelf. That's the problem. I've become too big for her shelf. I got my co dep issues worked out. The games... .they dont work.

[mrshambles]

No she isn't getting pro help. But spent the last 2 years

Of our r/s trying to help her sort stuff out. I think she may have gone off on her own and read up on it. She's a pretty intelligent woman. I'll give her that.

[mrshambles]

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound arrogant in my post, but where most people talk

About 2-3 recycles on here... .We've been through like 10. She is a

Clock and I recognize her ever tick. Hell, when I started heading that way she texted me "I'm in my room just walk in" I knew instantly what THAT meant.

[JRT]

How long were your recycles? What triggered her return?

[mrshambles]

It got down to the point where we broke up once ever 3-4

Months. But they never last long. I would do what I did if I were single. Lift, run, hang with friends, pickup my guitar etc. That's the worst about it all in think. I totally lost myself to the relationship. Im brash, confident, friendly, snarky, and fun. I know this about myself. I degraded down to meek, nervous, paranoid (bad), and insecure.

[JRT]

so what resulted in her retuurn?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound arrogant in my post, but where most people talk

About 2-3 recycles on here... .We've been through like 10. She is a

Clock and I recognize her ever tick. Hell, when I started heading that way she texted me "I'm in my room just walk in" I knew instantly what THAT meant.

No worries, we lay our stuff out here for everyone to see, express our vulnerability, and it's natural to get defensive when people comment.  All in the name of healing.  I like to think that for every member here, there are ten folks out there going insane, throwing things against the wall and kicking the cat on the way out the door, having no clue what the hell is going on.  It does take two to tango though; have you looked at your motivations for recycling 10 times?

I totally lost myself to the relationship. Im brash, confident, friendly, snarky, and fun. I know this about myself. I degraded down to meek, nervous, paranoid (bad), and insecure.

That's the real work after these relationships end, and the payoff too, the gift of the relationship.  As we shift the focus from the ex to ourselves and from the past to the future, dealing with the issues that came up during and after the relationship, it can create a growth spurt; I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left her, and a couple of years later I feel like I've grown about 10, and life seems entirely different now, for the better.  Guess we went to borderline school and left with the upgrade; it's a brand new world.  Take care of you!

[mrshambles]

Thanks heeltotoe, I feel so much better. It's like I'm me agajn. I missed me  . JRT im not sure what you are asking. We will always "dance" some, as we have a child together, not only

that, but I was always the only real source of a father

To Her girls. Always will be. I'll always be there for them. It's

Not their fault. As for if you are asking why she did what she did as far as last night? Who knows? Maybe she heard a song? Maybe she saw a commercial? They don't let go. Even if they don't speak to you... .They don't let go. I watched her creep every ex she had. They have their reasons I guess. We were close, even after the mask fell off. So I assume some

They put on a different shelf than others. Ones that made them feel like they truly were loved. Doesn't matter. End game is always the same.

[downwhim]

I like that line that we are all in borderline school. I want to get an A+ and graduate!