Cruelty

[Trog]

From all that I have learnt in the last 7 months while moving on and healing from my ex the one thing I don't understand was her cruelty. I gave as good as I got once we broke up (not hat I'm proud of that) but she was cruel to me throughout the relationship and this would often be around shame issue for me.

For example she would embarrass me infront of her friends or family often by shouting sexually shaming things that were very audible in terms of previous abuse I'd suffered or pretending that I wasn't helping her because I was master bating and shouting it around the house! Infront of a 90 y/o woman. Or buying me on purpose very cheap gifts for Xmas, like you can get for free while I gave her good presents infront of her family. There was a lot of trying to shame me in front of family. I never understood this as I wanted my family to like her. She seemed to want her family to dislike me!

The cruelty would also involve twisting the knife when I was already vulnerable, making me feel bad if something out of my control happened, at our own wedding she spent no time with me at all, and the day after told me she only married me to have a party for her friends. That hurt.

At that time I would do anything to make that woman happy. Not only didn't she reciprocate, she was incredibly cruel and struck when I was weak. Is this BpD?

It's the worse aspect of the whole relationship for me, I never felt safe.

[Alberto]

Function of Rage

The earliest function of rage is the effort to eliminate a source of irritation or pain. Rage is thus always secondary to frustration or pain, although the intensity of the rage response may depend upon temperamental features.

At a still more advanced developmental level, the wish is no longer to destroy the bad object, but to make it suffer: here, we are definitely in the complex developmental area in which pleasure and pain combine, sadism expresses a condensation of aggression with pleasure

www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/BPD-kernberg.htm

[Trog]

Sorry I don't understand. You mean BPD partners want you to suffer?

[Alberto]

Sorry I don't understand. You mean BPD partners want you to suffer?

Not allways, and sometimes not consciously, but yes, it's part of the disorder.

[bunnyrabit]

During our latest recycle she invited me over for an evening at girl friend of hers and there was also going to be a male friend of the friend who I had seen once or twice before, very briefly. After arriving me and my ex went out for some beers. On our way to store she casually tells me that she recently had sex with the male friend. I didn't really respond but I felt kinda shocked and had a really bad feeling for the evening at that point.

As the night went on this guy came off as a complete psycho, he constantly making innuendo's to her, talking sh!t about me like I wasn't even there, coming on to her,... .And she was just sitting and laughing like nothing was going on and really giving me no attention at all. I felt utterly humiliated and as the night progressed she even starts to flirt with him. At one point I had to pry them apart or they were kissing right there in front of me.

So idk, did she want me to suffer? It seemed like she didn't even know who I was, she seemed annoyed with my presence even. Anyway that evening was just surreal, my head was spinning for days after that