Moving past grieving

[micat]

I haven't been active on this board for many years, but am returning because I find myself more preoccupied with my issues with my parents than I have been in a long time.  My mother is undiagnosed, but suspected BPD, and my father is completely enmeshed.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for with this post, but I think what might be most helpful is ideas about how to move past or get through grieving the family I wish I had.  I thought I had done that about 5 or 6 years ago, when I went no contact with my parents for about 2 years. Since then, we have had a distant and superficial relationship that has remained fairly civil, but is not without subtle attacks from my parents (which bother me a little, but which I have largely been able to just ignore). 

I now have a 2 year old son and another baby on the way.  Now that I'm a parent, I have so much less sympathy for the way my parents treated me as a child.  I had also hoped that despite our issues, my parents would be able to be decent grandparents to my children.  Instead, I feel like they are taking out their issues with me on my son by being intentionally distant with him (they don't call us, we have to call them; they didn't send a Hanukkah gift for him this year, which is a very pointed message since gift-giving is extremely important to my mother; when they come visit, they always make a lot of competing plans rather than spending their limited time with him, etc.).  My son loves to talk to them on the phone and loves them when they come visit, and I have always told them I want them to have a relationship with him.  They seem to be oblivious to the fact that they have another grandchild on the way.  More importantly, I want my children to have and love their grandparents, since I didn't really have that opportunity as a kid.  My son is their only grandchild, and they have always wanted grandchildren.  So I feel that they are cutting themselves off from him intentionally, and while I can think of several theories about their motives, I really don't care that much about what they actually are. 

This has all left me feeling very sad both for myself and for my children that my parents can't be the parents or grandparents that I wish they were.  We've had some other recent losses on top of it, and I'm sure pregnancy hormones are contributing.  I have tried to focus on all the good people I and my children have in our lives, but it's not actually helping that much.  Does this constant grieving ever end?  What ways have you found that were helpful in dealing with it?  I know there is so much wisdom in this group - thank you in advance for sharing.

[Kwamina]

Hi micat

Wow! You've been gone a long time  Welcome back after all these years

Accepting the reality of who your BPD parent and in this case also an enmeshed parent really are, isn't easy. I think many of us have struggled with this. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother too and what helps me is drastically lowering my expectations of her. Instead of expecting and hoping she'll behave better, I fully expect her to misbehave and mentally and emotionally prepare myself for that. What I also do is keep telling myself that no matter what she says or does, I shouldn't take her behavior personally. Her behavior is only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity and not a reflection of who I truly am.

Letting go of the fantasy parent can be very hard because it means accepting the reality of who your parents really are and that they most likely aren't going to change. Since you have kids now I understand why you would want their grandparents to be in their lives. But if your parents are unwilling/unable to treat your kids right, you might need to consider setting and enforcing certain boundaries with your parents. That doesn't necessarily have to mean going no contact like you've been in the past, but it isn't fair that your son would be hurt by grandparents acting distant.

Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality of who your parents are and have been able to let go of the fantasy parents that you never had but might still have longed for so long? And how do you feel about setting and enforcing boundaries with your parents to protect your son from being hurt by them?

[Turkish]

Yes, being a parent changes everything, micat, and congratulations on the new bambino!

What I find interesting is that they don't call; you call them. Though it is very difficult to give up your "fantasy parent" as Kwamina says, in calling them, you're performing a rescue and enabling their poor behavior as grandparents. Not sending a present seems like punishing you and your son anyway, so is it really working? What are you getting out of this same dynamic?

If your son loves spending time with them or talking on the phone, that's great, but it's not really up to you to set it up. They adults   and it's not your job to parent them. You probably got more than enough of that as a child.

Let your children figure things out and validate however they feel. At some point, you will likely get the opportunity to tell them the truth. They will likely become targets, too, if their GPs get more involved in their lives. Being respectful and honoring your parents is one thing, even ones with PDs (short of outright dangerous abuse). But we enact boundaries to protect ourselves from abuse and manipulation. There's nothing wrong with that.

[micat]

Thank you for the replies.  I think I have intellectually accepted who my parents really are and that they won't change.  I've set some boundaries and try hard to have very few expectations of them.  This has resulted in very little outward drama over the past several years, which is good.  Their attempts to punish and attack don't really affect me like they used to, which is also good. It's more like an annoyance now, and not a gaping wound or crazy-making like it once was.  I've come to the point where I accept that I have to balance my guilt that won't really allow me to go no contact forever with seeing the ridiculous things they do.  It's a balance I am fairly comfortable with right now.  I do think though, that even though I had no expectations of them as parents, I probably had unrealistic expectations for them as grandparents, and am now getting my reality check.  Thank you for pointing that out.

My bigger problem is letting go of the sadness I feel that I don't have good parents, and that my kids won't have good grandparents (at least on my side - thank goodness for my mother in law!).  It's hard to explain, but my emotional reaction is not so much to the specific things they are doing, but to the fact that they are like that and that I'll never have the family I want.  Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation of myself to think that I should be able to grieve that family-I'll-never-have just once and get over it?  I would like to be over it so I can focus on the positives in my life, which are many, but I don't quite know how to go about getting there. 

[Kwamina]

Perhaps it might help to think of acceptance more of like a process or activity that you have to repeat:

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

[GeekyGirl]

I don't think that you just get past it... .just like any loss, you don't just mourn for a few days and then move on. For a while it's tough, but as time goes on, you immerse yourself in other things, and eventually the loss isn't as unbearable. I agree with Kwamina that this something that will take some time and practice.

My bigger problem is letting go of the sadness I feel that I don't have good parents, and that my kids won't have good grandparents (at least on my side - thank goodness for my mother in law!).  It's hard to explain, but my emotional reaction is not so much to the specific things they are doing, but to the fact that they are like that and that I'll never have the family I want. 

I know what you mean--I struggle with that too sometimes, especially when I see/hear about my friends' parents interacting so beautifully with their grandchildren. I wish that I could give you some sort of magic formula or remedy.   What helps me when I get into that mode is to focus on the positive things in my son's life (and mine!). Yes, he's missing out on strong grandparent relationships. At the same time, he's healthy, is developing very healthy relationship skills, and has two parents who adore him. What do you and your kids have that you can be thankful for?

My heart goes out to you. I know that this is painful and difficult. 

[Dutched]

IMO one never gets past it. We live under circumstances with great inner resistance, knowing the bond between parents and children are in fact unbreakable.

There is no closure either as the other is not dead, so the deep inner hope (even despite any harm done) of  ‘news’ will keep haunting the mind. Any news received (via 3rd party, relatives, etc) gives a kind of satisfaction to the mind.

Being estranged myself by D for a 3yrs. now, may I ask to see it from your parents perspective?

For both sides the underlying emotions are the same. The disappointment, the anger, the fear and the intense emotions that keep haunting us. Both sides suffer the same, just read about it when you google for estranged parents / children, devastating stories you will read.

As I read, now you’re experiencing healthy in law parents.

Your parents act ‘different’, but remember you (and we all) were raised with the love and upbringing capabilities parents were able to give. Like you and your husband will do.

Sadly it seems that a perception of love is given by rewarding and punishment, but it doesn’t imply less love (parents point of view) as for any parent (look to your bond with your kid) a kid is the most precious one will ever have.

As much as you long for and fear contact, your parents long for and have fear too.

Despite being grandparents and love your kid, at the moment they reach out to him (phone), they have to overcome a hill … that hill is you…

Being uncertain about your reaction, as you were the one that once initiated NC.

- if we call -> what would be your reaction, warm, cold or not time to talk?

- interval of calls -> to much / to less perceived by you, how will she react?

- uncertainty/uncomfortable when we visit our daughter -> you mentioned it already. Isn’t it a way to avoid emotional pain for both sides?

As harsh it may sound (but not meant!) you are now experiencing the effects of NC (and I really don’t judge you for any valid reasons!). As a consequence of that (LC or a kind of distance contact) it will affect more than one generation, it’s given for free to the next (younger) generation (do some research about it).

For the r/s of your kid(s) and their grandparents, try to open up a bit (ask a 3rd party for help?).

Have another look at the learning center how to validate and set boundaries.

Call your parents, ask them to call back as a surprise for your kid and let your kid pick up the phone… ‘play the game’…  Afterwards give them a call, thank them for doing so and above all now you have a safe and non emotional subject to talk about (avoid ‘you’ and ‘them’…).

Your kid is rewarded, even proud in receiving a call special for him(!), your parents feel more confident/saver/even loved and rewarded too… (BPD… like a 4yr old, as it is mentioned many times on the board).

And you? You made a step forward in your efforts to normalise (to a certain extend) contact special toward the future of your family and your kids.