I read something in the new york times today, and it hit home for me. The article is "To fall in love with anyone, do this." It also made me think about those of you who are looking for potential partners via online dating.
It's based on an experiment that a psychologist did 20 years ago to see if he could get total strangers to fall in love.
The author of the article then decides she is going to try the experiment with a friend she knows from school. So not total strangers, but they also aren't romantically involved. They meet in a bar and ask each other 36 questions that were used in the original study.
Here is the heart of the experiment: "The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue."
It made me think about how BPD relationships move so quickly. Having a poor sense of boundaries, people with BPD become very close very quickly, the tempo of these relationships is often very fast-moving. Things are disclosed quickly, feelings are made explicit quickly. In my new (healthy) relationship, we disclosed our vulnerabilities over a much steadier pace, but looking back, I see that we exchanged hints that we were both capable of vulnerability very early on, without disclosing too much. And following disclosure was respect. Vulnerability, respect, vulnerability, respect. That helped establish trust.
After a BPD relationship, it's difficult to be vulnerable. We get hurt, and then don't want to disclose our hurtness. We're afraid to go through those same painful feelings. But what I like about the study is this idea that there are many more opportunities for love than we like to believe -- what is hard is being able to reveal our intimate, vulnerable selves. Not that there is only one or two people out there for each of us. So it's an abundance model, not one of scarcity. We create the feeling that love is scarce. We wait for someone to come and see who we are, someone bold enough (BPD) so we do not have to come out of our inhibited guarded shell. Instead of having the confidence in our ability to be vulnerable, and recover from any pain that might evoke, we take what comes to us. Just in case! It might be the best we ever get. Turns out that's wrong.
Anyway, I thought about all of you, the whole dating board
and thought you might enjoy this.
Here are the questions below. There is also an exercise following the questions where you are supposed to look into the eyes of the other person for FOUR minutes. Imagine that... .windows of the soul and all that!
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... .“
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... .“
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
It's an interesting experiment. The author ended up dating the man she did the study with
Poll
