Why people DONT say thank you

[goingtostopthis]

            I need some help here.  Ive been helping my sister out by taking care of all these animals on my Aunts farm. She is sick with demensia.  And Ive had no problems doing it. Ive never complained about it. It can be a lot of work but I love animals. Im doing it on a voluntary basis.  She has really needed this help and because Im doing it now for her, she now has a lot of extra time to take care of other things in her life.  

                       Well,  What I dont get is that she has never once said thank you to me nor has she shown any kind of real graditude. All I know is ,if I were in her shoes I would be all over my self in graditude for her or anyone coming here to help,  because help here has really! been needed.


                         I looked on google and youtube and couldnt find anything under the psychological reasons WHY a person would reframe from saying thank you to someone going out of their way to help out, may I add because they want to.   Im sure in many cases there are more then one reason depending on the circumstance and such.  But generally I want to know what is going on in a person's head when they with hold like this to another person. Or  is it with holding?  I dont know.  Im really bothered by this.  I think it's wierd!   Thanks  

P.S.  I confronted her and told her I wasnt happy because she never has thanked me and or shown any graditude for what I was doing for her. I wasnt happy when I said it.   This may be a clue to my answer, but this triggered her to the point of grabbing me and pushing me backwards into a door.  Ya!  serious hostility.  :)o you think this whole time she thought I was helping out because I thought  I was obligated too? Like being her servant?

If So,  Big awakening for her!

[Kwamina]

Hi again GTST

                        I looked on google and youtube and couldnt find anything under the psychological reasons WHY a person would reframe from saying thank you to someone going out of their way to help out, may I add because they want to.   Im sure in many cases there are more then one reason depending on the circumstance and such.  But generally I want to know what is going on in a person's head when they with hold like this to another person. Or  is it with holding?  I dont know.  Im really bothered by this.  I think it's wierd!   Thanks  

There are several underlying reasons that could 'explain' your sister's behavior. Feeling entitled to always being taken care of and getting what you want, is one of them. Would you say that your sister has entitlement issues?

Another possible explanation is that she resents needing your help because 'needing help' might conflict with her sense of being superior to you. Same question here, would you say that your sister feels that she's superior to you? Or would like to be superior to you?

Obligation could definitely also be a factor here. Perhaps your sister does feel that you're obliged to help out because you're her sister. Question is also, do you yourself feel obliged to help her? You say help was needed but do you feel like this then automatically means that you're supposed to be the one to help out? Did she ask you to help out or did you offer it yourself?

[Edgewood]

Hiya GTS,

You better go get that drink, if you're waiting for a "Thank You" from your sis.   

[Turkish]

Your sister assaulted you. I think a clear boundary is, "if you ever touch me in anger again, I will call the cops."

I know you want some validation from her for your hard work, but it doesn't sound like you'll get it, you'll only get more conflict, dysregulation, and possibly violence.

[goingtostopthis]

Hi again GTST

                        I looked on google and youtube and couldnt find anything under the psychological reasons WHY a person would reframe from saying thank you to someone going out of their way to help out, may I add because they want to.   Im sure in many cases there are more then one reason depending on the circumstance and such.  But generally I want to know what is going on in a person's head when they with hold like this to another person. Or  is it with holding?  I dont know.  Im really bothered by this.  I think it's wierd!   Thanks  

There are several underlying reasons that could 'explain' your sister's behavior. Feeling entitled to always being taken care of and getting what you want, is one of them. Would you say that your sister has entitlement issues?

Another possible explanation is that she resents needing your help because 'needing help' might conflict with her sense of being superior to you. Same question here, would you say that your sister feels that she's superior to you? Or would like to be superior to you?

Obligation could definitely also be a factor here. Perhaps your sister does feel that you're obliged to help out because you're her sister. Question is also, do you yourself feel obliged to help her? You say help was needed but do you feel like this then automatically means that you're supposed to be the one to help out? Did she ask you to help out or did you offer it yourself?

                   I offered.  I think my helping is a threat to this supposive dominion she thinks she has over this place and this unnatural attachment she has with all the animals here. She's neurotic.  This is important to mention. At her home where she lives with my mother, they have 7 dogs that all live in the house,plus 7 cats that all live inside and never go out. The dogs go out but all ways come right back in. They have a problem of picking up stray dogs and cats.

                  Over here, my Aunts farm, when she got sick there were 23 cats here. Now about 15 plus my cats I brought with me. In the kitchen are two dogs they naturally found along side the road and have been here for some time. There are two retired horses my aunt picked up and 2 that belong to me.

                  My sister's behavior is very strange to me. Its almost as if she wants me fail at doing a good job here and resents me for doing just fine or even better then just fine. I confronted her about never thanking me or showing any appreciation, she flipped as  mentioned,  and later decided that from now on she would feed the dogs. I asked her why? She said to make things easier on me.  Well, I never said anything about care taking the animals as being too hard.  I said she never thanked me. And now that I have made it clear that I need some distance from her after what she did.  Instead of respecting this,  she now comes over here twice a day rather then once before to walk the dogs.

                And to make it worse, it should take her 5 minutes to feed the dogs, but no,  she's been staying here for up to an hour and sometimes longer.  I stay in my room.  I cant bring myself to move until she leaves. And instead of parking her car in the drive way, she's parking it over by the barn by these bushes.  It's just bizarre. She texts me each time now before she comes over, but I figure, why bother. And more confusing, what has prompted her to start doing this? She never did before.

                     Finally today, this was our text:    Her: coming to feed the dogs    Me:Stop telling me you are driving me crazy. (I didnt mean to sound so gruf,but it really has been driving me crazy)  Her: I thought I was trying to be considerate.  Me: Allowing me to go back to feeding the dogs and giving me a little space would be considerate.

Her: I figured you dont like them.   <This is in reference to the dogs. I dont care for dogs but I dont hate them, I have made in plain in the past that is wasnt fair that I should have to share half the house with two dogs, especially since this information was with held from me before I agreed to move here. But this wasnt even the issue of our argument! Is she twisting this issue around on purpose?    Me: My feelings about them being here has nothing to do with my taking care of them. My feeding the dogs has not been the issue at all!  Her: OK.   

            So Im learning to communicate more clearly as to what my needs are. How she could confuse assaulting me against a door and me wanting some space and distance with that of me not wanting to feed the dogs or her thinking she's making things easier for me by showing up here more,  I'll never know.

                                      Interesting,  Her and my mother are very dysfunctional. Im just going to have to accept this. They both gang up on me and they are doing it because Im alone and they think they can but I think things are going to change very well in my favor now. I called my mother up and asked why my sister was over her for so long. I told her it was an hour and how I needed some distance right now. I told her this very same thing yesterday and she  started shaming me and told me scoldingly to get over it and to grow up and stop acting so childish!  Im thinking: childish? my sister pushed me up against a door, grabbed me and shook me and Im just suppose to pretend it never happened?   oh and blame myself for it to boot?   

           So anyways, to end this, today I called her again and very calming told her that my sister had been here for over an hour and that I didnt understand why because I need to be alone for awhile.  Here's the good part. I have kept the fact that Im seeing a therapist from her until now. I told I was seeing a therapist and that HE TOLD ME that I needed have some distance from my sister for awhile until things calm down. Immediately she snapped out, who are you seeing, she was ready to discredit this person if it was from some source she didnt know about. Turns out its the same place she refered me to along time ago that she has afilliations with. Very reputable. Boy!  That shut her up mighty quick!   So now its no longer two against one. It's two and two.  (  :                                       

[Kwamina]

So now its no longer two against one. It's two and two.  (  :                                       

So the balance of power has finally shifted in your favor

[goingtostopthis]

So now its no longer two against one. It's two and two.  (  :                                      

So the balance of power has finally shifted in your favor

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    Yes, the balance of power has shifted but I wouldnt say it is equal, at least in her head.  

Sometimes I'm not sure what's in her head. I find myself torn between two opposing thoughts as to what is going on with her. Trying to be more understanding as to what things have been like for her has helped me not to take things so personally.  I have to admit I was really angry that she--did--not! respect my request to have some distance and space from her after she grabbed me. Actually what she did as a result is infridge herself upon my space even more.

             Now she's up here twise a day instead of once and I'm not handling it very well. I spoke to my therapist about this and he thought I need to make plans to find another place to live. I feel awful about this because it's too much for me to deal with right now. I dont have the money and I dont really feel willing to give up my dream to have a place to train horses.

               I did a good thing and made motions towards her to be forgiving and there was an emergency with one of the cats here and I saved a kitten that was hit by a car and I needed help with it. So I had an excuse to start talking to her again and my mother. The kitten was ok and my mother was all over it. I love animals too but sometimes I think my mother cares more about them, then me and my brother or anyone for that matter. She can show emphathy for them no problem,  but with me?  forget it.

               My sister is still doing weird things I have problems understanding. I feed the cats as usual with two huge trays filled up with cat food, they never finish it. And for some reason, now she has started adding a paper plate full of food to go along with it. I took it as a little sign of her marking her territory, kind of indicating somehow that I wasnt doing enough. She did the same thing in the garage. There was no practical reason for it. Same thing with the older horses. They have a huge trough full of fresh water which I all ways check,  yet she had to put two extra containers full of water in the barn for them as if theyre not getting enough water. She keeps doing it. I was pretty upset by this at first because I felt like she was indicating that it was my fault that the 31 year old mare died because of me and now she has no confidence in me what so ever. and so every time I go in that barn I have to be reminded of how guilty and callously incompetent I am and how this whole place will just fall down to the ground if she doesnt take it "ALL" upon herself to do what SHE thinks needs to be done.  

                 I think this is how she gets her sense of self importance. Her attachment to taking care of this place for my Aunt really has been way... .over board. I have to say that when my Aunt started to get sick all my sister did was complain about how the house stunk and how my Aunt stunk and how she HAD to do something about it. It was almost as if she enjoyed the complaining and the talking about her,(my Aunt) like gossip. They were mean things. hateful things, put downs, she's crazy... .on and on. Quite frankly Im afraid she has started  doing this to ME!  Oh she's this and Oh she's that, it was like her favorate past time to let me in on the new trash gossip about Aunt M, on and on she would go:How  she HAD>> > to do this and how she HAD>> >>   to do that. , She all ways  HAD TO. No one was making her ? and I cant believe she did that, and she wont let the cats out and wont clean the boxes., mean while my sister slowly began to take over her church, like if she doesnt do it, who will?  My sister was an Artist but gradually left all this behind to dedicate herself to my Aunt church. Its almost as if she took advantage of my Aunts weaknesses by a holy martyred self image  in order to give herself some kind of empowered identity.  To God?  I question that.

                                       Then she had a boyfriend she was seeing, mean while seeing another ex boyfriend as well on the side.  This new boyfriend died on Christmas Eve 3 years ago in a motorcycle accident. Sure it was shocking and devistating to her! I know, I spent hours upon hours with her on the phone. After this she started to see a therapist and this was the time my Aunt totally collasped with a heart attack and then a stroke. Id say a year later. Her over attachment to this place still goes on and she is still not able to move past the death of this boyfriend. I dont mean to sound cruel, but sometimes its like she uses loss as a kind of excuse just to have something to be drama filled about. Its like she enjoys her pain, or pretends to have it.  Im not sure. It's been 3 years.

Anyways ,it helps to  look at her history.  Any thoughts on this would be good.  Thanks              

[Harri]

Hi GTST.  I am sorry you are still dealing with so much.  I know it is hard to make sense of things, especially when everything seems to be against you.  The thing is though, I don't think you sister and mother are doing the things they do because of *you*.  The food on the paper plate, the water for the horses, invading your space, saying things that seem to be designed to put you down are in actuality all about them.  When I read your posts, I get the sense, rightly or wrongly, that you are taking the things they do very personally and as if they are a reflection of you, or at least their view of you.  Chances are, neither of them are actually seeing *you*.  They are too caught up in their own world. 

The relationship between your mother and sister formed a long time ago and chances are you will not be able to change that dynamic.  They function as a set and your moving in, even if they invited you, is upsetting their little dynamic.  They are going to do things, unconsciously, to get the dynamic (or system) to go back to its resting state.  They are, unconsciously, trying to get you to fit in.   So how do you stay away from that?  Stop letting their behaviors define you.  Your sister putting extra cat food on a paper plate, or putting out extra water for the horses does not mean she thinks you are incapable.  To you it seems that way, but again, chances are she is not really seeing you.  she is caught up in her projections and old scripts.  Don't take her behaviors seriously.  They say nothing about you.   

It is a hard thing to grasp especially as they seem to be directed at you and keeping you down.  I understand trying to make sense of things.  But sometimes you just have to accept that these things will never make sense and just tell yourself they say more about your sister and mother than anything about who you are.  Next time something happens and it feels like they are telling you you are incapable or whatever, allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, but tell yourself their words and actions have nothing to do with you and are nothing but a projection of their own stuff.  See if that helps you get out of this cycle of even thinking what they do says or implies anything about you. 

[goingtostopthis]

Thanks Harri,

             I hear what you are saying loud and clear. Its been difficult getting myself clear on all this. Rationally I know that these things they do have nothing to do with me personally but it's like I have two trains of thought battling each other.  One side thinks and feels that my sister is threatened by me and she really is doing things intentionally to under  mind me. To cause me to feel like I am more of a guest here and under her thumb to shame and humiliate me and getting my mother in on this, any time she can get away with it. And the truth is, she has gotten away with it. She has been bullying me.  They both have been real mean and then real nice and then real mean and then real nice. This is a pattern Ive noticed. And now when they are really nice, it just doesnt mean any thing to me anymore. Its just their guilt.

                My sister just doesnt want to get that "I" live here now and that she doesnt need to keep coming up here like she does, all the time, sometimes for hours, now its twise a day and I dont like this. Im not comfortable with this at all.  I made a stance about this earlier on when I first moved here. She was coming up 3 times a day taking care of the animals I all ready fed and took care of. I said something about this to my mother and her and I got railed!for it. I believe she is trying to make me feel incapable so she will have an excuse to still be coming up here and of course the better and more efficient I became at doing things around here(not needing) her help,  the more threatened she got and the more my good deeds were either ignored or disvalided.

                  How ever, as you said.  This is not about me.  It's about her. She appears to have some kind of emotional connection with this place pertaining to the animals she has cared for that she doesnt want to let go of. It doesnt matter that she and my mother have 8 dogs and 7 cats at their own place to deal with, all inside. Its all most as if she feels if she's not there for the animals at my place then no one is. Like Im not even here. So she has to come up here and wash all their blankets and turn the space heater on for the royal kitties. It really has gotten to be a bit pathedic. They get the slightest little scratch and they are off to the vet, right away!  oh my goodness. Id say she is in avoidance of her own life and has decided to focus on this cat situation like they are real people. Which says to me she doesnt have any real people relationships in her life.  Its good to see this in a clearer way to separate my feelings from her behavior as having really nothing to do with me per say. This out look, I know I need to work on and I will.       

            This leaves me with questions. Will it just take time for her to eventually start letting go of her emotional attachment to the animals here? I wonder maybe if she just comes up here any time she wants, eventually she'll get tired of it. Maybe its just been the adversity of me being here that has caused her to panic and feel compelled to show up more. She "is" lost in her own world. She needs to give this place over to me to take care of and go help my mother with our Aunt.    That was the plan before I even got here. I understand that she has grown an affection for these cats and 2 dogs here,  and the two horses, but there comes a time. I suppose only a therapist could tell her its time to start letting this go so she can grow and have a better life. So I guess in many ways this is not about putting me down per say.  It's about her trying to hang on to the way things have all ways been ,her sense of security, and her sense of security is all that matters to her. In her world, your right.  Shes fighting to hang onto this routine of hers and Im sorry to say has really been hurting "me" with her babyish bullying and intimidation. And like you said,  wisdom for thought,  most times shes not even aware she's doing it. Its all about her in many ways then one.

          She isnt needed here by what Ive demonstrated and I suppose this has really started to threaten her,so she makes up things to make it appear as if she "is" needed here. Its been at my expense but Im becoming wiser now enough to learn to really stand back from all this and see it for what it really is.  Not about me.  (  :