Introduction

[Timmi]

My boyfriend exhibits signs of BPD. no diagnosis.

I am 34 yo he is 43yo and we are in a new romantic relationship (5months) our time together has been punctuated by, approximately, monthly "storms" from him where he says hurtful things, verbally bully's me, threatens to end the relationship, packs his bags and leaves. This is then followed by apologies, long conversations, promises to work on changing things and a month of normal and loving behaviour. Ihesitate to call it idealisation as we have had two "rows" in these moments but in a more understandable way. I.e a "normal" row where we just disagreed, argued, resolved and made up. But generally the majority of the time he is kind, generous, loving, reasonable etc.

My boyfriend comes to the relationship with some baggage... .He is divorced and doesn't see his son very often, and as a child he was witness to a nasty relationship between his parents; some stories of quite terrible violence have been told to me in both his "calm" times and his "angry" times (violence perpetrated by his father against his mother and himself) his father has since died and his relationship with his mother is challenging as a result.

I love him very much and I would like to make our relationship work. However, I am scared of losing myself in a relationship where I am constantly treading on eggshells. Currently, he has left my apartment with a request for me not to contact him and "give him space" yet I know he will use my non-communication as evidence for himself that he is not worthwhile, no one will ever love him etc. etc.

my current state is that I feel I am in a relationship with a split personality... Some very clear Jekyll and Hyde moments in our relationship. I have very very strong feelings for my boyfriend and would hate to be another person in his life who has abandoned him, but I honestly have to ask if the pain is worth it? Any advice from members or words of support/encouragement very gratefully received... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tim300]

Timmi,

Based on my personal experience and the tens of hours of reading I've done on BPD, I would say that you are lucky to have caught on to this at the 5-month mark.  I would get out now.  At the least, whatever you do, don't invest yourself emotionally in this.  I mean, don't take this relationship seriously.  Even taking it casually, I would not be surprised if things get dangerous for you physically or psychologically.

Perhaps you are able to get a hand on public divorce papers?  Or have another way of understanding more of what happened that caused his divorce?

[Timmi]

Thank you for your advice and support. It seems like the easiest solution to walk away quite honestly

I know why his relationship with his wife broke down; he has always been very honest about the mistakes he has made in the past and I have always appreciated his frankness. They argued a lot, had a new baby, were extending their house etc and their relationship just broke down with both of them unwilling to work at it. I have met his ex-wife and he now has a acceptable relationship with her but as she lives in Germany his contact with his son is necessarily limited.

Psychologically, I see a therapist as I have suffered depression in the past, but am currently managing my depression very well indeed. I don't feel bullied or abused by him and he too is in regular therapy. So it's not all hopeless... .And,yes, it has only been 5months but I do have strong feelings for him and I would hate to think that continuing a relationship is hopeless... .For his sake as much as my own... .Maybe I m kidding myself and a quick, clean exit would be best... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Timmi &  

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you are having with your boyfriend... .Lots of members of the Staying Board here are in difficult relationships with their significant others, and though it can be hard to do, making these relationships work isn't impossible. We have many links to the right-hand side of this page, and they are helping to give us a better insight into how our loved ones' minds work, and how we can deal with them better.

On the Staying Board, we all work together--supporting each other and giving the benefit of our experiences in making our relationships better--and don't actually advise people to leave their relationships. Are you thinking of trying to make your relationship work, Timmi? Would you like advice on how to do that? We have The Lessons to the right-hand side of this page that will give you tips on how to do that, and we can help you learn what you need to, to try not to push every one of your boyfriend's buttons and to try to help things go more smoothly.

What do you think, Timmi? It sounds like you are you interested in trying to make things better, and we'd love to help you do that