To everyone who has gone through the trauma of a BPD breakup

[Jack2727]

Hang in there!

I know a lot of you are still dealing with it. I am! I find myself drifting from complete optimism to despair. Do you guys feel like you can never trust again? I mean, someday when the dust settles and my life comes back together, I think about how will I ever trust a woman again. I think I will definitely be more cynical. I have found solace from movies. Of course, the weather here has been horrendous but movies like Silver Linings Playbook and Swingers have helped. Maybe its my way of coping but it seems the little things help.

I also feel like even though I want to give up and crawl in a ball that it would be just letting her and her BPD win. Just thoughts.

[Tim300]

I'm with you.  It's such a rollercoaster of emotions. 

I do worry about trusting again.  I am definitely going to do intense due diligence on the next girl.  I want to meet long-term friends of hers.  I want to meet the entirely family and vet them fully.  I want to get a complete history of her educational and job background, and a convincing explanation for why she is still single if she's over a certain age.   Rest assured that not everyone is Cluster B.  Now hopefully we'll be better able to sort out who is trustworthy.     

[jhkbuzz]

Hang in there!

I know a lot of you are still dealing with it. I am! I find myself drifting from complete optimism to despair. Do you guys feel like you can never trust again?

Can definitely relate to the 'optimism to despair' pendulum... .

I've worried a LOT about the 'trust' issue, but I've started to realize that that fear is lessening as I get more and more in touch with what I feel, what I need, what I want.

My T has described my emotional fluctuating over the past 6 months as a "thawing out."  When I first started seeing her I was in 'crisis and chaos control' mode - what I thought, felt, and needed took the back burner as I tried to manage the the imploding and exploding chaos that my exBPDgf caused with her behavior.  But now that she's gone and my life is calmer I am getting more and more in touch with MYSELF.  I'm willing to look at my part in staying (my choice), and, more importantly the qualities I want in a life partner.  As my mind gets clearer and clearer I feel as though I can increasingly trust MYSELF - and that includes making better relationship decisions.

[Jack2727]

I liken it being it by a tornado. I think I am still dealing with the fallout and will for some time. It has been a little over a week since I last talked with her. I guess if I had a job at the moment it would be even better. I think the uncertainity of my future is what is kinda hindering me.

Its funny you talk about a vetting process when meeting a future potential date. I saw somewhere online that some guy asks girls if they ever saw the movie Good Will Hunting and what they thought of it. The movie is a highly empathetic movie. He said that he would disqualify women who didnt get the empathetic part.

I think the thing I am learning now is how to be happy with myself. I always wanted to find a girl, fall in love, get married, have an awesome life. I could never stand being alone. When relationships broke down I wouldnt take time and I would jump right back out there.

The thing is at times when I dated her I wanted out. Now that I am out im finding it tough. I guess I need to look at it as a good learning experience. Easier said than done.

I think you guys are right about doing your research. I think it will take a lot more for me to get involved. I will focus on getting to know. Not diving in haphazardly.

I don't know if you guys are religious or not. But I need prayers or at least good thoughts about finding a job.

[CloseToFreedom]

I have the same problem. Its a whirlwind of emotions, but most of all I feel sick of feeling sick, of missing her, even though I know she's bad for me. I always thought it would help to be painted black, but it doesn't help. Well, it keeps me away from her at least.

Keep going on, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

[sirensong65]

I, too, started therapy in crisis mode.  I was suicidal actually.  Drinking escape and I have NEVER been one to abuse alcohol or drugs.  I was a mess.

I am a depressed state now as I have been for quite a while.  But the constant crying at the drop of a hat is gone.  Come to think of it, I can't think of the last time I cried.  I have more anger rising to the top from time to time than anything.

I too, DO NOT trust.  But more than that, I don't care. I have ZERO desire, romantically, sexually.  I have not dated, I don't see it happening in the near future.  And frankly, I don't feel I am missing a thing.  I am 49 and my single girlfriends of the same age are out there and the results they are getting are DISMAL.  So, I feel satisfied that focusing on me and mine only right now is a good one.

[Deeno02]

Ditto. Worst feeling in my life. Worse than my divorce. Just taking time out now for myself.

[Jack2727]

It's just really crazy how they can suck so much of your lifeforce out of you and leave you an empty shell. When I met E back in June, I wouldn't say my life was perfect but I was so optimistic. I often fantasize now about stopping myself on the way to meet her for the first time and saying, dude, don't do it! She is going to take all your money, love, compassion and dump you right before Christmas.

I think the thing that hurts the most is the feeling of being used. I love how her final copout was that she didnt feel a connection or spark. After seven months! She should of told me this over the summer, or when I was going back and forth looking for a job. I don't she ever wanted to be alone and I played a part. She didn't want to be alone for her summer break. Once the summer break was over and she was back at school teaching I was expendable. And I read in one of the threads about the shiny toy anology. I was played and it was time to find a new toy.

I guess somewhere on this journey I'm going to have to learn to trust again. And I know someday, whether it is today, next week, month or year, she is going to contact me. I think its that shadow that bothers me the most. She has done her damage, will do it to someone else, and then revaluate me and come back when I am back together.

I don't cry and that girl made me. When I dropped her off at the airport I sobbed on the phone with my parents. I may have broken other girls hearts in my life but never in the manner I was disposed.

Well, today is a new day! Thankful for your support guys!

[downwhim]

I too feel like I am in the thawing out stage. At first, I was like a caged animal. Moving around and not going anywhere. I was filled with anxiety and had no clue what to do with myself. The gut wrenching pain, the shock, the unbelievable truth that it was over was all too much.

Now, 3 months out I am depressed wondering what is out there for me now? How do I trust again? How do I get healthy to a point of being able to reclaim my life before him? Each day I know I am getting stronger but this is way harder than my divorce of 22 years. Abandoned and abused. Not to sound like the victim as I know I played a part in this but mental illness is so damaging to the recipient.

[nowwhatz]

Ditto here too.

Worst for me than divorce number one when my wife who I adored cheated and abandoned our family and 3 small children. Believe me that was horrible... .but that marriage was good with mutual love and respect for many years until it wasn't. No BPD rollercoaster.

Worst than divorce number two... .but I was very happy after divorce number two. Losing the remote would be worse

Trust is not an issue for me if I meet another person. The problem is I feel damaged, worthless and stupid for being in such a r/s.  I am now 52, in good shape, have great young adult kids, a good job (even though I am deeply in debt... .much of it because of my entanglement with the exgf) am a reasonably good looking guy and have never had a problem meeting women.

I have a certain "type" of women that I am attracted too but it is harder to date over 50. It seems with all that has happened I have very little hope of being in a positive healthy r/s ever.

[Deeno02]

Ditto here too.

Worst for me than divorce number one when my wife who I adored cheated and abandoned our family and 3 small children. Believe me that was horrible... .but that marriage was good with mutual love and respect for many years until it wasn't. No BPD rollercoaster.

Worst than divorce number two... .but I was very happy after divorce number two. Losing the remote would be worse

Trust is not an issue for me if I meet another person. The problem is I feel damaged, worthless and stupid for being in such a r/s.  I am now 52, in good shape, have great young adult kids, a good job (even though I am deeply in debt... .much of it because of my entanglement with the exgf) am a reasonably good looking guy and have never had a problem meeting women.

I have a certain "type" of women that I am attracted too but it is harder to date over 50. It seems with all that has happened I have very little hope of being in a positive healthy r/s ever.

Yep, I'm 51 and don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell of finding anyone. Although I'm not really looking, at our age, it's just not the same...

[LeftSidePain]

Yes I am flip flopping back and forth between acceptance, anger, and sadness.

I no longer feel lost like I did and I no longer have gut retching uncontrollable crying. There have been times I actually feel the awakening. Then it fades in about 30 seconds. So I hope its coming to stay soon.

Since knowing she is with him now for a couple days and living in her eternal sunshine and I am here an emotional wreck and my children are emotional and confused as well I come back here for help.

Just coming here and typing out my past with my left half heals me. In two days I've felt better than I have for the last week.

I was doing pretty good until our last court appearance and then finding out she went to stay a couple days with him. Also I see her starting to level out a bit, back to what she was a couple months before she left. Thankfully I don't find her as attractive as I used to. She talks about a heart condition and I have a feeling in years to come she is going to have serious medical problems. I would have stood by her through them all. 

By the way... .The woman that is in the upper left hand corner of this site with the sly smile with the title "How a Boarderline Relationship Evolves" is what my ex looked like when I met her and now that picture triggers me every dang time.

[LeftSidePain]

Yep, I'm 51 and don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell of finding anyone. Although I'm not really looking, at our age, it's just not the same...

Not sure where you are located at Deeno02, but I can tell you right now Florida has some of the most beautiful women I've seen. Many, many, many of them over 50 and looking. Family friends live there and it's a running joke that their is a wedding almost right after a funeral.

If you can get there... .Go.

[nowwhatz]

Ditto here too.

Worst for me than divorce number one when my wife who I adored cheated and abandoned our family and 3 small children. Believe me that was horrible... .but that marriage was good with mutual love and respect for many years until it wasn't. No BPD rollercoaster.

Worst than divorce number two... .but I was very happy after divorce number two. Losing the remote would be worse

Trust is not an issue for me if I meet another person. The problem is I feel damaged, worthless and stupid for being in such a r/s.  I am now 52, in good shape, have great young adult kids, a good job (even though I am deeply in debt... .much of it because of my entanglement with the exgf) am a reasonably good looking guy and have never had a problem meeting women.

I have a certain "type" of women that I am attracted too but it is harder to date over 50. It seems with all that has happened I have very little hope of being in a positive healthy r/s ever.

Yep, I'm 51 and don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell of finding anyone. Although I'm not really looking, at our age, it's just not the same...

Trying to restore hope here... .from 2007 to Feb 2010 (when I met the BPDgf) I had a great time dating and meeting different women... .maybe best and most fun dating experience of my life.

Up until maybe 18 months ago I felt alive enough to consider dating and could also laugh and smile about some of the crazy good experiences I had/was having withe the BPDgf.

It is odd for me not to be hopeful and optimistic. Really strange... .my optimism, humor and generally fun outlook on life has always been there.  I don't know where it went?

Maybe reminding myself that I did have fun at our age will help. I hope this helps you too.

[nowwhatz]

Yep, I'm 51 and don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell of finding anyone. Although I'm not really looking, at our age, it's just not the same...

Not sure where you are located at Deeno02, but I can tell you right now Florida has some of the most beautiful women I've seen. Many, many, many of them over 50 and looking. Family friends live there and it's a running joke that their is a wedding almost right after a funeral.

If you can get there... .Go.

Well if you are speaking of Latinas I am a strong advocate of American men dating them... .for the reasons you mention... .even with my bad experience with the exgf. I know men over 50 have many options in that "market."

I wish I was in FL... .maybe I can move! 

I am in the southwest near the Mexican border and it is similar but not as diverse.

Something holding me back is that I have backslidden on my spanish skills.  ExBPDgf refused to help me learn!  I was really picking up the language at the end of 2012 then a recycle (with a Mexican gf!) quashed it.

I want to study again but it does remind me of the exgf so a little difficult to get started.

[RedDove]

Jack, thanks for your post. I'm in the same exact place as you right now. I have good days where I get up and go and just keep trying to keep busy, focus on me and move forward. Then there are bad days, like today, where it's freezing cold outside, i just have no energy and want to curl up under a blanket and watch a movie! I am out of work as well. Sorry you are in the same situation. It definitely makes it so much more difficult. Way too much down time! I loved my career and I got laid off just 1 month prior to ending it with my ex BPD bf.

It's been almost 7 months since I ended the encounter with my ex BPDbf. We were together off and on for 4 years and we knew each other 30 years ago back in high school. I tried online dating, what a nightmare! Some others commented in this thread that it's very challenging to find someone when you're in your late 40's/early 40's... .so true! My ex BPDbf found me on the dating site and broke no contact. I opted to delete my Profile.

Unfortunately my ex has continued to contact me throughout the holidays. It has definitely set me back in my recovery. I had blocked him, but he got a new cell phone and number. I know I have to block him again. He learned from a mutual friend that my Dad is having health issues and began reaching out to inquire about my Dad. I clearly see the old pattern, he's trying to idealize me and recycle. As far as I can tell, he's still with the OW, my replacement. I can not "ever" go through that emotional torture and abuse again.

[Tim300]

I have ZERO desire, romantically, sexually. 

I'm with you, especially romantically.  I just can't even imagine getting romantically excited no matter who walked in the door.  I guess the good aspect of this is that it opens up time and energy to focus on other things.       

[Jack2727]

Jack, thanks for your post. I'm in the same exact place as you right now. I have good days where I get up and go and just keep trying to keep busy, focus on me and move forward. Then there are bad days, like today, where it's freezing cold outside, i just have no energy and want to curl up under a blanket and watch a movie! I am out of work as well. Sorry you are in the same situation. It definitely makes it so much more difficult. Way too much down time! I loved my career and I got laid off just 1 month prior to ending it with my ex BPD bf.

It's been almost 7 months since I ended the encounter with my ex BPDbf. We were together off and on for 4 years and we knew each other 30 years ago back in high school. I tried online dating, what a nightmare! Some others commented in this thread that it's very challenging to find someone when you're in your late 40's/early 40's... .so true! My ex BPDbf found me on the dating site and broke no contact. I opted to delete my Profile.

Unfortunately my ex has continued to contact me throughout the holidays. It has definitely set me back in my recovery. I had blocked him, but he got a new cell phone and number. I know I have to block him again. He learned from a mutual friend that my Dad is having health issues and began reaching out to inquire about my Dad. I clearly see the old pattern, he's trying to idealize me and recycle. As far as I can tell, he's still with the OW, my replacement. I can not "ever" go through that emotional torture and abuse again.

REDDOVE! I feel your pain! It will get better though. That evil woman may have almost bankrupted me but she didnt take my hope and optimism. I know the same will happen to me RD. When she is done with her new, shiny toy she will contact me. I know it is inevitable.

I guess ultimately I will be better off. Seven months, although it was damaging, could have been a lot longer. I know a lot of you have weathered BPDs for years. My hats off to you!

I met E on a Catholic dating site. The ironic thing is that I went on there in the first place to try to find someone more down to earth and empathic. I met my prior ex through match and that was quite a painful experience.

I wonder if online dating is a breeding ground for people with mental issues. Any thoughts?

50's is not old! I'm in my mid-30's and yes I don't feel like dating now. But someday, when I am healed and my life is in a better place I will try again. I do know now what to look for. I am going to set boundaries like crazy! I will probably be real cynical but I know the right person will show the right traits.

BPD awareness! Sometimes you need to get shattered in order to become whole again.

I think another thing to do everyday is focus on the good things. For those of you in warm weather states, heck, its nice out. You could be in Illinois where it is 17 degrees

[Dutched]

Ditto here too.

Worst for me than divorce number one when my wife who I adored cheated and abandoned our family and 3 small children. Believe me that was horrible... .but that marriage was good with mutual love and respect for many years until it wasn't. No BPD rollercoaster.

Worst than divorce number two... .but I was very happy after divorce number two. Losing the remote would be worse

Trust is not an issue for me if I meet another person. The problem is I feel damaged, worthless and stupid for being in such a r/s.  I am now 52, in good shape, have great young adult kids, a good job (even though I am deeply in debt... .much of it because of my entanglement with the exgf) am a reasonably good looking guy and have never had a problem meeting women.

I have a certain "type" of women that I am attracted too but it is harder to date over 50. It seems with all that has happened I have very little hope of being in a positive healthy r/s ever.

Yep, I'm 51 and don't think I have a snowballs chance in hell of finding anyone. Although I'm not really looking, at our age, it's just not the same...

Relate to all feelings as expressed. And yes being mid 50 the time to build up a new r/s is running out in a way. It take a few yrs. to know each other at our age. Both sides have a history (not to mention that 75% of divorces are initiated by women… and mostly emotional reasons as ‘we didn’t fit’ after even decades…). 

[RedDove]

Thanks Jack,   a lot of what you wrote in this post resonated with me. Especially the back and forth feelings of being okay amd then experiencing anger and resentment. Not to mention bewilderment at or ex's behavior. My ex BPDbf is also a teacher! My experience is similar to yours. In the summer months he was very attentive and idealizing me. Always making plans, only most of the time never following through on them. We spent that first summer in his trailer camping together every weekend. He'd cook me dinner or I'd bring take out. We would sit by the open fire together, talk about anythung and everything read books. thought it would be that way forever. But as you already know, the fairy tale turned into a nightmare.

Our first split was right after the 1st summer together. He began distancing himself just as I was getting excited to spend the holidays together. He claimed he was ill with a MRSA infection. I would not have believed him had we not been intimate in November and contracted it myself! Lots of other excuses... .sick family members, teenage son having a difficult time, BFF going through a break up, etc. 

By Valentines day we had talked and were back together. He bought me a stuffed animal which I thought was an odd and juvenile gift. I gave him an I.D. Bracelet with his initials engraved on top and the day we met and a loving saying engraved underneath. His actions didn't match the words "Love of my life", mine did, but his certainly did not!

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you! My 30's were both the best and worst times of my life. I filed for divorce after 10+ years of marriage at 33. In my late 30's I met some pretty amazing people. Dated a few guys, got serious with one. Unfortunately we had different goals and parted amicably.

We need to be kind to ourselves! Give ourselves the time we need to learn and accept why we were vulnerable to our BPD exes and time to heal. You'll get there! I was an absolute mess 3 months after, but at almost 7 months out its getting better. Even with my ex BPD bf contacting me via text. I'm not gonna lie, it pulls at my heart strings, but more of a feeling sorry he's the way he is vs. I have to help or rescue him. Not!