Ex BPFgf aborting and filed order of protection (sorry if it posted twice)

[John55434]

I was recycled at the end of September. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237686.msg12532373#msg12532373

Since that post a lot has transpired. I tried follow advice and tips on here and similar sites. I have kept myself in therapy. I have set appropriate and clear boundaries... .and then on Tuesday I lost it. She is 14 weeks pregnant and I have been supporting her with doctors appointments and just emotional support. I still dont know if the child was even mine but I took the risk and said I would rather be there and it not be mine then the latter. During the last 3 months she has continued her lying and has crossed most boundaries.

My birthday was last tuesday. On Monday I received news that a man that had been like a father to me passed away. She came over and was just cold. That night I received a text from an old mutual friend of ours (this was the first one) saying that she had been sleeping with somebody else recently. I already suspected it but didnt have a name or pictures so of course "it was all in my head". Tuesday morning I confronted her with it and a few other lies she had told. I went to do some dishes and she took off out the door. Calling me everything she could think of.

I called her (i hate text) and she just kept hanging up on me saying I would never see the child etc... .Starting calling everyone to defame me. I knew she still had not told her parents so I told her I could not be with her and that we needed to find a way to work things out cordially or through a mediator (i already tried to get her to couples counsling). After a few hours of text battling and email battling (i shut my phone off so she emailed) I told her I was going to tell her dad, that she couldnt treat a baby as leverage and I figured why not get a reasonable person involved... .I was wrong. I texted her dad "your daughter is pregnant and doesnt know how to tell you can you call me" She flipped out (rightfully so i shouldnt have done it and it didnt help me at all) told me she was done. An hour later I get a text back from her dad saying "I have not respect for someone who wont leave my daughter alone when she asks".

I was set back by the text and responded telling him I understood his position and he didnt have to respect me, but just understand the situation and how it affected me as well and the unreasonable stands she took. I called him later that night and he hung up on me. I went to my moms and then the next day to the funeral. I then got a text from her saying that she had talked to a cop already and she was going to file an order of protection and that I had nothing left there and "not to worry about it" and that I caused her to do this.

At this point I lost it. I posted the ultrasound pics on my FB and said that she was going to kill the baby just to hurt me which is true. I also emailed her mom asking her for help (she is a devote catholic) but got no response. Instantly I started receiving text from everyone who saw the fb post (I took it down after just a couple minutes because it was wrong to do) and they started explaining how they thought it wasnt mine because around that time, you guessed it, she wasing other people. So I forwarded those texted to her father because it seemed coincidental that at the time we could finally get a paternity test (nobody responded since i talked to her last)

Yesterday, I was headed to work. I sent her an email the night before saying sorry I lost my head but to please not kill the baby. No response so I also sent her dad an apology and said how I felt and that it was killing me and to just let me know what happened in the end. No response.

At around 6pm an police officer showed up to my place of work to serve me with an order of protection. The things she wrote about me were crazy. Now I am not saying I am perfect ever, I have screamed and lost my head. I was never above apologizing for it though. I also have become a lot better after learning what I was dealing with.

There is a lot more to the story and I could probably write a book about our 3 years together as I am sure most of you can relate. This is really killing me though. I tried to work things out with her, despite knowing how hard it was when she left or pulled stunts not involving a baby, and now I am so attached and excited to meet the child, except that will never happen. Even though evidence supports it is possibly not mine, I truly believe it was and that has kept me awake at night and I havent been eating right. I know all the ways this is probably the only way things will work out for the better in the end but I committed to learning techniques and tips on dealing with her and to not get caught up in the roller coaster like I did at first.

She did start going to therapy and then all of a sudden now nothing is wrong with her except the anxiety and depression I caused her. She wrote in the order how I was a Marine and was diagnoised with PTSD which is absolutely true and it is something I struggle with daily, but it never caused angry outburst, just constant hypervigilance and nightmares. The inability to be in crowded place, nightmares, isolating myself, and guilt. I met her when I first moved back to Chicago from Kentucky where I moved to get away from everyone when I got out. I made a commitment to better myself and I have. She was studying to get her MSW when we met and out of the gate I felt she could understand me and after awhile I began to trust her, bad mistake. When I finally got diagnoised and tried a new medication for the depression, she took off, and cheated multiple times along with rubbing my face in about guys, real or not.

Of course she came back begging and swearing she changed and was working on herself. I never told anybody that she had BPD because I knew how it felt to have something stigmatized badly and how debilitating a mental disorder could be. Before she left the second to last time I held her and told her that I would support her and stand by her as long as she took the effort as well. She made it through two therapy sessions with the new therapist (shes gone to one or two visits with different doctors over the years but never stuck to it). I also know how that goes and spent 2 years of my life hiding in the woods from the world and myself. She completely abused the knowledge of my disorder and started building this image of me to people while isolating me from them. It wasn't until a few people confronted me about things I supposedly said about them or did to her that were completely false for the most part. The things that were true I openly admitted to. I finally realized that she was a victim to everyone. I was "abusive" when she was around her friends, yet "the only person she felt safe with and could sleep soundly next to". I guess I really didn't think she would file the order especially not a week later. It seems its just another thing to keep me wondering and waiting. The messed up part was I went and read our text and emails since October 1st when I got my new phone. I hate how hindsight is 20/20 and I can see that I thought I was finally over her manipulation and could just help her as a friend. For the most part the things she said I said about her she actually said about herself saying it is was I thought of her and I have never hit a woman in my life and dont plan too. The one incident anywhere close is when she tried to barge in my apartment and I told her no and went to close the door on her and she smashed her finger, of course I was super sorry and took her to the doctor and in the end she got her way, but the way she describes it is appalling. On the other hand she has actually hit me. Shes punched my while I was driving, she slapped me with my keys, and a few other occasions. And people know it. Now I am not saying it hurt badly or that a 110 lb girl could do much damage, but also I doubt if I was so "abusive" that wouldve just happened with no retaliation. She has tried to pit me against many men in a fight, most recently her father. I got along great with him until one day out of the blue (after she left me and moved out). I completely understand that though. I have sisters and I am sure I have backed up even their bad behaviors.

Looking back though of course she did the same to all her past BF's including the one before me, who was actually a close childhood friend. She convinced me how emotionally abusive he was and that he held her down and raped her and begged me to kick his ass. Of course in the end that is who she cheated on me with the first time because she knew it could hurt me the worst.

I did read some text I sent that were mean, but I was really just stating events that happened with no exaggeration. The problem is a do talk like a sailor. It is a bad habit but it is true. I use cuss words far too often and I am loud. Another thing I have been working on but that will be a hard one to break. I do feel defeated and shunned. I supported her emotionally and financially for

Sorry for being long winded and disorganize in the above story but I just needed to vent and ask for advice on anything I can do to stop the abortion (i know there isn't but I am still hopeful). Also outside of not being able to contact her, which is fine, how else will the order effect me? I have to go to court on the 29th and I don't know what to expect.

[ForeverDad]

First and of utmost urgency... .Take this seriously, she has moved this to a new level of conflict, into the legal arena.  That is a a huge ramp-up and if you're not very, very, very careful and listen to legal advice you could make it even worse by making common missteps and blunders that are taken seriously by the courts.

Keep your mouth shut.  Makes sense, you could raise the level of conflict and besides you are facing an order telling you a long list of things not to do.  So keep quiet about what?  About your "guilt".  That's right, any admissions you make could be used against you.  (Save that for confidential counseling sessions and maybe your lawyer and in prayers.)  Saying "I did wrong" (ethically) could be twisted by her and court into "I was an abuser, stalker or harasser" (legally).  So think 3 times before you say anything, literally.  I recall my lawyer telling me his first duty to his new clients was to sit on them so they didn't talk and get themselves into deeper trouble.  Ponder that.

In today's world and most countries she has been given the legal right to do a wide range of things with her baby before it is born.  She can't put it up for adoption without father's signature.  She can't deny a father his parenting rights.  But before birth is another matter legally.  Sorry, courts don't deal with the ethics or if father disagrees.  You'll just have to accept it.  You don't have to like it but that's the reality.  And now with a pending OOP you have to even be careful with whom, how and to what extent you share your thoughts.

Notice I wrote "pending".  Likely this is an ex parte case, at this point no "finding of guilt", having been filed only on her say so and there's a scheduled date in a week or two for both of you to appear in court and state your cases so the court hears both sides.  As I said above, be extremely careful not to 'admit' guilt or doing anything wrong.  Your lawyer (or a consultation with a lawyer if you don't hire one) will clue you in on the things to say and more importantly the things not to say.  Yes, it was emotional, the relationship was ending and she was contemplating abortion - evidently to control, spite or punish you - but you were only deeply concerned, you were NOT abusive, you were NOT threatening, you were NOT harassing or stalking.  Stress those may have been her perceptions but that wasn't the reality.

Is it possible she's filed OOPs before?  After all, for people with BPD (pwBPD) all ended relationships are typically characterized as abusive ones to others and to the next relationships.  If she has filed OOPs before then part of your defense could be that she has a history of painting her ended relationships as abusive since she cannot shoulder her portion of responsibility for their end.

Looking back, I think you'll wonder if you had a hand in triggering her overreaction.  How so.  You contacted her family multiple times.  Yes, with sincere motives, but she felt compelled to blame and blame-shift, throwing you under the bus, after all, a pwBPD can't be at fault so it has to be you.  She drove up with a metaphorical cement truck and has buried you with everything she can think of.

Meanwhile, save all her texts and emails to you.  Some of that may be part of your defense in court.  Documentation has far more weight than vague claims like "he said... ." or "he always... ." which could be discounted as hearsay if you have specific documentation or incidents to back you up.

Another factor is that this was a long relationship, some 3 years.  It's not like she all of a sudden after all these years realized you were an ogre, right?  However, you have to show the court that you are ready and willing to walk away from the relationship.  Why?  Court doesn't want you back again and again, show you're not a revolving door perp, they hate the thought that you two won't learn to stay away from each other and will be back again all too soon.

Also, do NOT even think about contacting her.  Beware of sudden impulses and yearnings.  If you can't contact her (severe legal consequences) then logically she shouldn't contact you (though probably no legal consequences).  Yes, doesn't make sense, if you can't contact her then why can she contact you with virtual impunity?  Still, if she does contact you then you can use that as part of your defense that she reaches out to you so restrictions on you aren't appropriate.

So if she contacts you in any way, document it, even record it, for all you know she might admit she did wrong or went too far in filing the OOP.  So if it is texts or emails, don't respond, just save them.   Don't prolong her call (since you're not to talk to her) but be alert to record anything that might favor your case.  If a call also best not to answer but if you do don't contribute to the conversation.  Extremely simple might be okay, not sure since I'm not a lawyer, "I'm not allowed to talk to you, maybe I can listen but for me to talk you have to dismiss the case."

If you thought you were walking on eggshells before, you're doing so exponentially now, once things move into the legal arena, the consequences can be immense.

Right now, get Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It's even available as a download.  And get legal advice now from an attorney qualified to handle your case if necessary.

And no more "coming clean" accepting responsibility for whatever.  That's great for normal people in normal relationships and normal circumstances.  That's not the case now.  Right now you can't risk saying anything that indicates even the slightest hint of guiltiness.

[livednlearned]

Really good advice from FD, John55434.

These are some intense, extreme conditions and emotions, and court could care less how you feel. It's a machine and it rolls forward (and over you) very slowly while following a specific logic that is not about being fair or just. It most certainly does not care how you feel. Your job is to not walk into trip wire that you can't see. Like FD said, there should be no admission of guilt. Even just defending a few minor things, you are helping her make her case, when in fact the opposite is true. Let her try to figure out how your actions support her statement, and you focus on how her statement is false.

Court is about rules and laws and technicalities, not justice.

And you don't want an OOP because she will be the one to follow you to a store, and talk to you, and then tell the cops you broke the OOP, a more serious offense.

Until you have had a paternity test, there is no way to know if the child is yours. Do not treat your ex as the mother of your child until you know for sure that she is. That's a whole other legal problem to deal with.

And don't contact her family, otherwise they will file an OOP too. Work out your feelings with a T or here on the boards, and treat the legal process like it's business, not a place to sort through messy relationships.

[david]

My ex left in 2007. It was an extremely stressful time with lots of raw emotions. I didn't fight or argue with her because that is not who I am. I had three protection orders filed against me in the first three years.

I used to go in my backyard and split wood when I got stressed back then. I focused on splitting and the stress went away. I had a bunch of cords of wood back then that were all split and debarked. It also helped my cardio system. Find a way to channel the stresses in a positive way.

Trying to reason with an unreasonable person will not work.

I learned to detach emotionally from it all with the help of a therapist. I vented to the T and this site.

Save the emails and texts. They will be handy later. Minimize your own communication. If you get a text or email and you feel you need to respond... .STOP... .give it a day or two and once you calmed down you can figure out whether you should respond or not. More then likely there was no need to respond. If you write a response send it to yourself and look at it a day or two later. It does get easier with practice.

My ex filed three protection orders over the course of the first three years we separated. I was then falsely charged with assault and found guilty of disorderly conduct. I went to prison for two weeks. When I got out I purchased an audio recorder and a video recorder. I let ex know what I purchased. It's been four years now and I still get complaints from ex  (through emails, her complaining in court, complaining to co parent counselor ) but I haven't been charged or accused of anything since I purchased them. That is four years now and counting.

[John55434]

Thank you all for your quick responses. I don't plan to contact her at all. Can the order effect other parts of my life as well, such as employment?

[JohnLove]

I also separated in 2007.

My exBPD filed 4 AVO's (apprehended violence orders) in the first few months of 2007 before we separated after 20 years and 3 children. The first one was withdrawn by her and she signed a statement as such in the officers handbook. The second one she didn't appear and it was withdrawn. The third one, the police (at another station) refused to act on but was drawn up.

The fourth one was attached to a charge of Assault occasioning actual bodily harm. Only there wasn't, and a corrupt police officer allowed her to falsify evidence. It was not presented in court. AU$2500 and many hours later the AVO and Assault charge were dismissed by a female magistrate.

Partly because I showed text messages from her that contradicted her now statements. I also had telephone audio recordings that my solicitor played to the police prosecutor just before the hearing commenced before the magistrate entered the room. Yes. That's right. I don't believe that was even legal but that's what happened. The magistrate also found holes in the police officer own statements. Thank god.

I run a business. My reputation was severely impacted. I was never sure if I ever got it back 100% as reputation is about what others believe.

You have been warned.

[ForeverDad]

Each country, state or locality has it's own variations of rules, procedures and impacts.  Also, your work or type of work may require you to pass background checks, etc.  For those and other reasons - including we can't give legal advice - we here in anonymous and remote peer support can't evaluate or estimate your risks in detail.  An experienced local criminal attorney can, perhaps also a local family law attorney.  Best to get local legal advice versus winging it with assumptions and guesses.

We have one member who was a teacher.  I say 'was'.  His ex made unsubstantiated allegations, no proof, one of the children even testified father did nothing, but the judge found him guilty of some charges.  He lost his job and has to cool his heels for years until enough time has passed for his record to be expunged.  So yes, the impact can be immense depending on the laws, charges, your type of job, etc.

However, what we can do is be peer support and also share our experiences and what we found generally works, what generally doesn't work and what generally backfires.

[livednlearned]

What I've learned is that once you're in a system, you're in it. And if you're in that system with a negative mark on your reputation, it follows you.

The legal system is not a system you want something negative to follow you around. 

[ForeverDad]

Could just help her as a friend... .  Just as a person with BPD has extremes in perceptions, sort of "all or nothing", "all for me or nothing for you", relationships also can only be "all or nothing".  So if it is ended then quite often so must be the friendship.  I'm sure there must be exceptions or whatever, but generally we can't be "just friends".

It is best to consider this an extremely urgent matter until a professional such as an experienced lawyer can tell you how much or how little you need to worry and provide you with various scenarios how you can be sabotaged as well as how to have multiple strategies to overcome her retaliations.  Better safe (informed and proactive) than sorry (your butt parked in jail or with a record).