What are the due diligence questions you wished you had asked?

[Depression = 72% of members]

What are the due diligence questions you wished you had asked near the beginning of your relationship with your pwBPD?

[Tim300]

What are the due diligence questions you wished you had asked near the beginning of your relationship with your pwBPD?

[SlyQQ]

I was very circumspect to start with it took many months despite her throwing herself at me eventually I asked a mutual friend what she was like he said she was "fun " I didnt take the hint

[HappyNihilist]

Honestly, there's nothing I can think of that I could have asked my exBPDbf... .he told me pretty much everything. I just didn't really listen.  

He told me his exes called him "Jekyll and Hyde," talked about a "honeymoon period," and said he had a "shelf life." I knew about his FOO and that he'd done over a decade of therapy. He told me about his black-and-white thinking, his push/pull behavior ("clinging then running," he called it), his jealousy and possessiveness, and his deep-seated anger, self-loathing, and emotional turmoil.

I'm an intelligent and strong-willed person, with a good amount of life experience. I've spent most of my adult life working in mental health and crisis/trauma intervention. And he told me all of these things, and I stayed. I fell in love with him and still love him.

I will say that, after seeing so many stories on these boards, I feel lucky in a lot of ways to have had an ex who is as self-aware as mine is. I know that most pwPD aren't so forthcoming with potential partners. In this aspect of my r/s, the onus is all mine.

[Turkish]

My Ex warned me about herself. She even said she wasn't over a past r/s (two bfs before me). She started the push-pull on the first date ( we had been hanging out as friends for over a month and were mentors in the same at-risk youth program). She told me several times that she hated marriage, but I got the sense she saw me as marriage material. 11 months out of the house, she's recently engaged to her affair partner. Lucky him. I wonder what kind of things she told him, especially since she said he noticed her anger issues right away, even when she was still living with me and the kids.

My problem is that I desired to prove her wrong and soothe her pain. And here I ended up, with two little kids to boot.

[Infern0]

I don't "wish" anything tbh.

I was blindsided with absolutely no defence. I didn't know what red flags were,  I didn't know what BPD was, I didn't know what codependency was,  I had no way of knowing.

I look at it as an experience that needed to happen. I'd wondered in the past why I had trouble finding a good girlfriend even though I'm not bad looking and a good guy,  now I know I wasn't LOOKING for a good girlfriend,  I was looking for a damn nightmare to "rescue" because of my role models for a relationship being my parents crappy abusive marriage.

They never taught me what a real relationship was,  now it's time to teach myself.

Every cloud... .

[vortex of confusion]

In all honesty, I can't think of any questions that I could have asked him that would have changed things. I felt like I was pretty thorough. I used to joke that he was kid tested and mother approved. The fact that my mother approved of him and seemed to love him to pieces in the beginning should have been a red flag.  

I could have asked him how often he looked at porn but that could have easily been explained away by the fact that he lived alone. Looking at porn is not a big deal to me. And even if I had thought to ask him more questions, I am pretty sure that I would have been fine with whatever answer he had given since I come from a pretty messed up family that has mental illness, people that have been in jail, and all sorts of other colorful things. That is problematic for me because I can't write people off for things like FOO or being flaky or any number of things that a lot of people see as red flags. If I did that, then I would have to write myself off too. Do I have a personality disorder? I have no idea. All I know is that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I tend to give other people lots and lots of leeway.

[Pingo]

I would have asked more questions relating to his values... .before I met him.  We messaged for a bit and spoke on the phone before we ever met in person (met online).  I had ample opportunity to ask some key questions to find out more of his value system and if it was a good match.  If I had done this I might have never met him.  livednlearned posted a good article over on the L6 board with some good questions you might ask to get some insight.

[neverloveagain]

I would ask my waif exBPDgf why she always draws herself as a wolf,  and pay more attention to that answer.

[raisins3142]

What I would have done differently is talked less, asked more questions, and listened more.

She was not as talkative as myself on deeper issues, so the early part of the relationship was me sharing my values and opinions and then asking her opinion.  This allowed her to craft a good answer by mirroring.

I think the only way questioning would have worked is if I would've eased into the relationship more slowly and actually been a bit sneaky.  What I mean is I should've acted entirely non-judgmental and asked leading questions and pulled information out of her.  I don't think this is healthy though in a good relationship.  Perhaps a bit is though.  For instance, my impression that she had been excessively promiscuous bothered me.  In the future, if I want to be sure that a partner had not crossed some clear line into my no-go zone (for instance 50+ partners), then when something like this is discussed I should not preface or lead on that I would find it hard to commit to someone that had a sexual history that I would consider "excessive".

[Infared]

If you ask a question to a master manipulator and liar, of what value is the answer?

Most of what my ex "said" I now know held no value whatever.

Had I been self-loving enough and vigilant, and carefully watched her actions (       ), and then had enough self-esteem to acknowledge her actions and the internal strength to walk away... .that would have served me well.  

Of course, I would have had to know what healthy love looked like in the first place. Hmmmmmmmmm... .

[bunnyrabit]

I met her through a mutual friend and when I asked about her he told me: "Wellp, she's nuts and she ___s everybody... .". I didn't get the "hint" either   

[Pingo]

What I would have done differently is talked less, asked more questions, and listened more.

She was not as talkative as myself on deeper issues, so the early part of the relationship was me sharing my values and opinions and then asking her opinion.  This allowed her to craft a good answer by mirroring.

This is exactly what I did as well.  I offered up a lot of info about myself/my past without him really ever asking.  I think in the future I will wait until someone asks me something specifically before I divulge specific things about myself.  And even then I don't have to share really personal stuff until I get to trust them.  Also, waiting for them to ask about me shows they aren't just me me me... .I have rarely had someone truly curious about me and my values.  I think they are too busy trying to figure out how I'm going to fill their needs!

I think the only way questioning would have worked is if I would've eased into the relationship more slowly and actually been a bit sneaky.  What I mean is I should've acted entirely non-judgmental and asked leading questions and pulled information out of her.  I don't think this is healthy though in a good relationship.  Perhaps a bit is though. 

I think this IS healthy.  There is nothing wrong with being sure of your values and wanting to know if the other person shares them.  I wouldn't call it sneaky, I would call it curious. 

[rarsweet]

I completely agree they mirror you so they seem perfect like your other half.

[parisian]

1. Why did you break up with your last partner. Really. You never told me why. You just said that she said you were negative (that was the understatement of the year... .)

2. Why did you say you can't have a long-term relationship

3. Why did you say you don't really know who you are?

4. Why did you tell me you are friends with all your exes, but I can't see that you are friends with any of them.

5. Why did you get angry at me the night you put our r/s status on fb as 'in a relationship'?

6. Why do you say you are very emotional and it's not just a short-term thing?

why why why why.

I will never again just let statements like that slip through. In future I will listen very carefully to what people tell me, and ask questions when I don't understand their answer or why they've told me (or deflected) something. I will no longer dismiss answers that don't make sense. I will ask more questions. I will listen better. I will observe their actions much better.

[Deeno02]

Should'nt have asked anything. Should have just seen that she was in the middle of a divorce and I should not have gotten involved.

[Lion Fire]

To be honest, I wished I'd listened more than anything.

She told me everything... .

-all about her abusive childhood

-her insane family dynamics

-her endless list of failed relationships of which she was ALWAYS the victim

-she was a recovering Sex Addict, Alcoholic, Addict and Eating Disorder

-she was diagnosed with BPD

-she had several suicide attempts


The list goes on and I didn't even have to read between the lines... .more Red Flags than a Soviet May Day Parade :-D  and this was before she even started to Love Bomb me.

The fact that I let all of those huge warnings slide past me tells me that my own mental state was not sound. I was out of it.

Apart from the BPD diagnosis, any of these individually would not necessarily be a total deal breaker, but lumped into one monumental disclosure, I would certainly have to say NO WAY!

I believe I've learnt my lesson. It was a sore one.