Facebook and BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I have spoken before about my BPD sister and how she uses Facebook to say a lot of bad things about people.  Myself and my family are not friends with her on FAcebook as during one of her tyrades/rages she cut us all off.  Of course few months later she attempted to add back my children and why not try to add my x husband and his new wife.    Well,  no one accepted the friendship.    Facebook is a nightmare for anyone having to deal with BPD relative.  I got a text from one person and an e-mail from another that my sister yet again is bashing me on facebook (along with my dad this time).     Thanking her XINLAWS  - that she of course calls her "inlaws" even though she cheated on her husband and left him for another man.  Of course her latest 4 yrs later is that she HAD to divorce him becuz he is gay and having relations with men.  Clearly - she would have put that out there if it was even true and NO he is not gay and he is a poor soul that got stuck with a nightmare mother of his kids.   His only error is in being too patient and allowing his children to live with a complete alcoholic BPD.   He admitted to me he is afraid of her & afraid she will turn on him and it will affect the kids.  He continues the eggshell walk to stay involved in their lives.

Latest is accusing the family of hiring attorneys to screw her over in some way when actually she threatened to call an attorney becuz my dad wanted to assign a neutral person/lawyer to manage his trust and not his two daughters.  I don't blame the guy and support his decision to cut myself and her off the trust management.   Complete public nutty on facebook and sob story and people are e-mailing both my dad and I asking what is wrong with her.

I am venting but eventually enough people will defriend HER and she will get it.  I just don't know how much more this goes on before she hits rock bottom with the disease and the drinking.      This is sad but also makes me angry when she spotlights my dad and me on facebook when there is nothing happening on our end.   IS PARANOIA part of BPD?

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I have spoken before about my BPD sister and how she uses Facebook to say a lot of bad things about people.  Myself and my family are not friends with her on FAcebook as during one of her tyrades/rages she cut us all off.  Of course few months later she attempted to add back my children and why not try to add my x husband and his new wife.    Well,  no one accepted the friendship.    Facebook is a nightmare for anyone having to deal with BPD relative.  I got a text from one person and an e-mail from another that my sister yet again is bashing me on facebook (along with my dad this time).     Thanking her XINLAWS  - that she of course calls her "inlaws" even though she cheated on her husband and left him for another man.  Of course her latest 4 yrs later is that she HAD to divorce him becuz he is gay and having relations with men.  Clearly - she would have put that out there if it was even true and NO he is not gay and he is a poor soul that got stuck with a nightmare mother of his kids.   His only error is in being too patient and allowing his children to live with a complete alcoholic BPD.   He admitted to me he is afraid of her & afraid she will turn on him and it will affect the kids.  He continues the eggshell walk to stay involved in their lives.

Latest is accusing the family of hiring attorneys to screw her over in some way when actually she threatened to call an attorney becuz my dad wanted to assign a neutral person/lawyer to manage his trust and not his two daughters.  I don't blame the guy and support his decision to cut myself and her off the trust management.   Complete public nutty on facebook and sob story and people are e-mailing both my dad and I asking what is wrong with her.

I am venting but eventually enough people will defriend HER and she will get it.  I just don't know how much more this goes on before she hits rock bottom with the disease and the drinking.      This is sad but also makes me angry when she spotlights my dad and me on facebook when there is nothing happening on our end.   IS PARANOIA part of BPD?

[Deb]

  This is sad but also makes me angry when she spotlights my dad and me on facebook when there is nothing happening on our end.   IS PARANOIA part of BPD?

I don't know if it is, but this is classic BPD "Feelings equal Facts." She feels it's true, so therefore it is. You can't reason with that. And good for your dad having a neutral person to manage his trust! That will make your life so much easier.

[funfunctional]

Thanks Deb.  A very clear way to put it:  feeling are facts! So true.

I don't want to have to work with her to manage his trust.    She is a nightmare.  He is hugely saving my butt.

[Trollvaaken]

I've noticed a few patterns when it comes to my uBPD mother's way of using facebook.

1) Befriending people in your social group that she doesn't really have any direct relationship with (like funfunctional's ex-husband and new wife).

2) Liking, commenting or sharing anything you 'like' on facebook in excess. For example, sharing your an album of pictures from your vacation on her wall or if you 'liked' something on a public page, then it might come into her feed and then she is aware of something that, isn't necessarily secret, but that you wouldn't necessarily choose to share with your mother. Even with good privacy settings, it can be difficult to maintain boundaries on Facebook.

3) Sharing and participating in more discussions on your friends' walls than you do.

4) Publically congratulating you, but on their own wall. My mum won't write me a birthday greeting on my wall, but will post something along the lines of: "To my gorgeous and charming daughter (Name), I wish you all the best on your birthday... ." on her wall.

I'm not saying that non-BPD don't do this, but they seem to do it more than others.

[HadleyatHome]

We have this problem as well. No one in the family is close in proximity so they get a very skewed picture of what is going on here.  We cut ties with BPD SIL, and have her blocked on FB. But this doesn't stop things, because FB will show me, for example, 1 comment on a picture FIL had posted of our kids. But we can't see any comments, so we know it's a blocked person and the only blocked friend of his is SIL. So based on this and things family says to us, we know she presents the situation as she is the victim of our cruel decision to cut her out of our life. Based on the replies we can see to her comments it's clear she is being overly complimentary of our family when in actuality we felt as if she was out to destroy us.

I can't say it doesn't bother me.  I just hope that family is smart enough to know there is likely much more to a story than it appears. We don't air dirty laundry so they don't know the actual details. I try to say that if they believe or buy into the crap SIL says then they probably are not worth our time and we'd rather know now. Easier said than done. When my husband's Grandma will try to encourage him to reconnect he just says that there is far more to this than she understands and that he's doing what is best for his family. I hope things get better!

[Harri]

Hi Fun!  Ugh, what a mess she is trying to make! 

When I read posts like the ones your sister is making my very first thought I have is that the poster is troublemaker.  I rarely if ever think the family members/friends/ex'es being talked about are troubled or anything like what the poster is making them out to be.  I think the same way about those "vaguebook" posts you see all the time.  You know, the ones that start with "I am not mentioning names but... ." and stuff like that.  Over time I have deleted or unfollowed the people who do that kind of thing.  My second though is how badly i feel for he people who have to deal with a person like that.  Seriously, I feel nothing but compassion for them and a bit of outrage on their behalf.  If I see that the family/friend/ex does not respond in kind, that just confirms that it is the poster I need to be wary of.   

I imagine it is difficult to not take things personally when things are so very personal, but people who post that kind of stuff are just making themselves look bad.  Most of the people I know feel the very same way I do. 

Would you ever tell the people reporting these posts to stop telling you?  Or do you want the info just to keep tabs on her?  I can see why you might want to but if you do, is it worth the hurt and frustration? 

PS, I think your father is a very wise man!

[funfunctional]

Hi Trollv,

Yes.  I agree with what you described.  I see that behavior too.   There is stuff whirring and whirring in their minds that we can't grasp.   Boundary crossing is big.    Most people respect that x husband/ x wives are off limits and also your friends she should leave alone.

My BPD sister friended people in my life too.    She also uses social media to maniuplate people and portray images of what she would like to show.     "I am a victim" image is big.  Poor me.   

Anything to cause drama in my opinion!  Anythign to end the message that "I have control over this".

sad

[funfunctional]

Thanks Harri,

I need to tell people not to tell me stuff she posts.   AGREE!

[Needless2say]

 

Haven't been here in ages.  But I have to respond because just today I blocked my uBPD sister and all her family from Facebook.  Her kids and husband are innocent casualties but I can't stand to see her comments on anyone's posts anymore.  She thinks she's being funny but she's sarcastic and nasty.  Even to people she doesn't know.  She asked one of my former classmates (from 30 years ago) how he knew me.  Of course he was like what the heck and hasn't talked to me since.  BPD's have absolutely no boundaries. 

About a year ago my 23 year old daughter handed me an article written by someone who was dating a BPD and it said run as fast as you can and don't look back.  That is what I am doing now.  I need to save myself. 

[Finding Courage]

My mom is a nightmare on Facebook too.  She will "like" everything I like, try and friend my friends, obsessively monitor everything I do on there.  She made a fake account for my dad to further stalk.  It seems to be the perfect breeding ground for all of her toxic relationship behaviors.  I had to mostly block her for my own sanity.

[funfunctional]

Good for you Needlesstosay!

I think sometimes you have to get to the point of "I have had enough".   I got there last spring.   

Sometimes I feel a loss for BPD sister and her kids too.   It has been a tremendous loss but I had to give up on the dream that she would be nicer and get better.

I just want her to stay away so I can function everyday in peace & just breathe.

Best to you.   Love that defriend thing.  And you can unfollow people so you don't have to see her BS too. 

[funfunctional]

HI finding courage,

The fake account think is really creepy.  I can't believe your dad went along with that.

ICKY!  Stay away from all that for sure.   

Facebook IS a breeding ground for people to act badly.   Too bad people misuse it that way.  I compare it to a tool   We invented the hammer to build with.   People can choose to use the hammer to destroy as well.    It is a choice but not about the hammer.

take care

[scarlettbegonia]

Interesting post. I too see my uBPD mom using FB in manipulative ways. She is constantly defriending people and blocking access to her wall one day and then we are back on her good side the next and we can see her stuff again. She gets in big fights with complete strangers from the games she plays too. Oh and Facebook is always threatening to kick her off or suspend her account - do they even do that?

I don't post mushy I love you messages and what a wonderful mother she is on her FB wall, but her sister's kids do that to their mom, so that means she must be a bad mom. Also, in her mind they are doing it to rub it in her face because her kids must not love and appreciate her. I'm a pretty private and not a mushy person at all so I would never post something like that to anyone on FB. I try to explain that to her but to no avail.

My mom is very lonely and FB is one of her only sources of friends, activity, etc. but it's kind of incredible how it can be used to twist things around.

[funfunctional]

Scarlett,

Yes. I find the more "BS" posted on Facebook the worse those people are.   I would not say my husband's x wife is BPD but she uses her daughters FAcebook account for HER.   She knows my husband and I are not on her facebook so she passive aggressively uses the daughters account.  We suspect she even knows the password and does the updating herself.  My Step daughters profile shot changes often to a pic or her and her mom and WHAT teen wants their MOM on their profile.  Another day this instagram went around saying "I have the best mom in the world" and I totally think it is the mom.  I unfollowed my step daughter so I don't have to look at the ridiculous post after post of her mom and new husband trying to show what a fantastic family they have when the kids come home and hate it there.    Something is not right here.

Facebook is a "doo doo show" for many.