How can I leave?

[ASD]

This month has really been a bad start to the year.  My SO BPD is worse now I think, but her rage is quieter, it's odd.  I think I've given up, maybe that's it.  When she rails and complains and insults I don't react anymore.  What's the point?

Yesterday I picked up our son from school while she took our daughter to the doctor.  When she got home we had only been there about half an hour and the first thing she said when she walked in was "I see you haven't vacuumed."  I told her we had just got home and she started asking what had been done and got annoyed.  "So basically everything I asked for hasn't been done?" and my reply was "What did you ask for that hasn't been done?"  The answer was nothing, but no reply came.  In our relationship I work and she stays home with the kids.  I pitch in as much as possible (which is a lot I think) but it's never enough.  On top of it all she expects me to be a horn dog and want to jump her bones every five minutes.  I'm mentally and physically exhausted, living on egg shells waiting for the next explosion. 

When I met her she weighed about 100 lbs, and then as we had kids she put on weight to about 350 lbs.  About two years ago she decided to get lapband surgery and is now about 130 lbs (that odyssey is a whole other discussion).  When she was big she had zero interest in sex, and wouldn't let me near her.  Now, she wants it all the time and blows up if I don't.  She just told me on the phone that she was thinking of driving to my job in lingerie to do it in my office, but she knew that she'd be wasting her time and that I'd reject her.  She said that most people would be super excited that their wife wanted to do that.  I am odd for not wanting sex at every turn, like a 15 year old boy. 

I want to leave.  I do.  I am over it.  I want to be left alone with my kids and just get on with it.  I won't leave until I know I would keep the kids though; I'm not going to leave them with someone unstable who yells and screams curse words when she's upset that someone cut her off in traffic, or thinks the world is out to get her. 

Lately she's been talking about suicide and about needing/wanting to go to in-patient treatment.  She asked me to print off our insurance benefits for that, which I did.  She read over it last night before going to bed at 8.30 because she feels completely alone.  I'd like her to go away, I would. 

How do I move on from here?  What do I do? 

I am glad this forum exists.  Thanks for reading.,

[Lucky Jim]

I'm mentally and physically exhausted, living on egg shells waiting for the next explosion. 

Hey ASD, Well, it is exhausting to live like that.  In my case, I describe it as reaching a point when there was "nothing left in the tank."  I think of myself as generally a strong person, but I used up all my reserves while walking on eggshells in a long term marriage to a pwBPD (with kids).   I bottomed out, which was not fun, believe me.  Fortunately some kind friends and family members conducted an intervention, which was humiliating but necessary, as I had no inner resources left.  So I turned a corner . . .  separated from my Ex . . . went through a divorce . . . and now am back on my path.  I don't want to sugarcoat it because my journey has been incredibly hard at times, yet I find that its OK to struggle on my own terms, as long as I'm being authentic with myself.  That's what it's all about, in my view.

I can't tell you how you should move on from here, but maybe I can point you in the right direction.

LuckyJim

[ASD]

Good to hear from you LuckyJim. 

That's how I feel: nothing left in the tank.  Tonight I feel quite calm having come to terms with the fact that I need to move on.  My lingering concern is the kids.  They're 9 and 7.  I don't want to let her have them: it's not healthy for them. 

How old were your kids when you separated?  How did you discuss it with them?  Do you have custody?

I appreciate you reaching out.