Thoughts please on BPD mother

[hfb17]

Hello

My mother's been refusing to talk to me for a month. I managed to talk to her a fortnight ago but she was clearly angry with me and just wanted to blame others for her violent behaviour. In the time since we spoke properly both my partner and daughter have been in hospital overnight, and obviously it was Christmas. My mother knew about the hospitalisations, but has said nothing.

Yesterday was my birthday. I received a text saying happy birthday, have a wonderful day, love mum. I ignored it, even though I really felt like replying very angrily. Far too little too late as far as I'm concerned. I've just received another text saying she hopes I had a lovely day. Does she honestly think she can just ignore the last four weeks? She always does this, has an episode and then acts as though nothing's happened. I've written her quite a long letter telling her how her behaviour has affected me my whole life, and how I won't let it continue. Basically if she wants a good relationship with me and her baby granddaughter she needs to seek help.

I don't know whether to respond to her text, send the letter or ignore her! Like many on here I expect, I fear sending her a letter which sends her over the edge and causes her to do something stupid. But I've had a really bad time this last few weeks, all the low feelings I've ever had seem to have been brought to the fore again, and although I'm working on sorting myself out, I just don't know what to do about her! Thanks for any thoughts 

[hfb17]

Just to add, during this episode, I've gone from really wanting her to call to talk it through, to not really wanting her to. Partly because I've had enough, and partly because I don't know if I'm strong enough to say what needs saying. I know if I talk honestly about how I've been damaged, and how I don't want her behaviour to affect my daughter, she'll burst in to tears and make the conversation all about her and how she feels. I've tried so hard in the past to be firm but supportive, but she seems to just say and do what she thinks I want, without it really meaning anything to her. Like apologising but still continuing to put me through intense periods of worry/stress/sadness at my childhood/struggling with the after effects etc. I just really feel like I'm at a crossroads with her. Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi Hfb.  Happy belated birthday!    I hope your daughter and partner are healing well and quickly.  Being sick is not easy and sometimes I think when those we care for are sick is even more difficult.  It is such a helpless feeling.

Does she honestly think she can just ignore the last four weeks? She always does this, has an episode and then acts as though nothing's happened.

It sounds like she really does believe she can get away with doing that.  It also sounds like this does not work for you any more and you want things to change for you and your daughter.  I think that is excellent and we here can help you as you sort through your feelings and decide on a way to change things, at least at your end of things.  Your mother has been behaving the way she does for a long long time and as such her behaviors are pretty much set unless she chooses to change.  We can't force them to get help and even if we could force them to, it won't work unless they want to get help.  So lets see what we can do to help you limit the damage to you.     SET can be a great tool to improve communication.  Also check out JADE and the articles on boundaries (If you already have or this suggestion has been made already, I apologize)

I fear sending her a letter which sends her over the edge and causes her to do something stupid.

Well, what are some of the things you fear the most?  If she does do anything stupid you are not in any way responsible but I have a feeling  you already know that.  It is an incredibly difficult thing to consider as the fear of what she may do is ever present.  So the mind can rationalize but the heart says different.  I am not sure how to get to a place of peace and acceptance with that.  I wonder though if rather than confronting her for all the past behavior, if you just focus on her present behaviors (and future as well) if that might work better for the both of you and reduce some of the fear of her doing something stupid or maybe even take it away entirely.  A poster named Ziggiddy (and a board advisor) recently did a thread on confronting the person with BPD (pwBPD).  You may find it helpful as there are a lot of good responses there, so here is a link to it---> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239981.0;all

Take good care, and please keep posting so we can help you work things through.   

[GeekyGirl]

Hi hfb17,

Happy belated birthday!

I agree with Harri that your mother does probably believe that it's ok to give you the silent treatment. It's very hurtful, and I don't blame you for being a little conflicted after receiving the texts from her.

I don't know whether to respond to her text, send the letter or ignore her! Like many on here I expect, I fear sending her a letter which sends her over the edge and causes her to do something stupid.

What will happen when she reads the letter, and how will sending it benefit you? Harri is right--you are not responsible for her actions. At the same time, it's important to decide whether or not sending the letter will help your situation. It's healthy to work out your feelings, so I'll bet that just writing the letter has helped you feel better.

You might be at a crossroads with her, and I know how difficult that is--been there, done that. Is anyone (particularly a counselor) helping you through this? Sometimes just talking things through with someone helps.

-GG